My head is gonna burst

If there’s one thing Filipinos are good at, it’s poking fun of ourselves, even if the issues are of grave importance. This meme shows the incompetence of this administration that resorts to drama if they can’t even–ah well I no longer know what to say.

Meanwhile, our healthcare workers continue to bear the world on their shoulders. There were photos of exhausted nurses leaning on cars or walls outside hospitals, evidence of their exhaustion.

And as a person who cares too much about this society, this country, this is too much for me to bear. I got drained yesterday. As one of my journo friends said, not all journalists are like me, who goes out of her way to feed the hungry, who works round the clock to fundraise for disaster victims, jumps to drive straight into the disaster zone to report and at the same time volunteer to distribute relief goods. She told me I should stop caring for a while. “You care too much, that’s the problem. That’s why you’re always stressed. You cannot save the world,” she scolded me. That was a couple of years ago. I’m still the same. She still keeps on scolding me.

So today was a basura day and I couldn’t work well again. Save for a bureau chief call today, I was in util again. I just kept on messaging people on LinkedIn, emailing for requests for interviews, reading news to pick up leads. I have several articles pending but I had zero brain cells for that.

Plus I am battling something at work. I thought I found the solution but it seems like there is no relief in sight, not in the near-term. I already gave some kind of warning. I no longer know what I should do. I gave it a shot.

Again, thank God for cats.

Kimchi watching birds outside. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My little stress-reliever.

I have trouble sleeping again, my body clock is out of whack. I ordered online a new fragrance for my scented oil diffuser to help me fall asleep. Well, it does help, that’s why last night i fell asleep at around 10 pm. BUT then I woke up at 2 am and got back to sleep around quarter to 4 am. That’s so messed up. Brain activity was high, that’s why I have trouble going back to sleep.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I should stop caring about everything. I should stop caring about other people and focus on myself. Other people didn’t care about me anyway. *shrug*

Protect COA

Here we have a president who’s supposed to be a lawyer who doesn’t know the basic laws of this land. The Commission on Audit is a constitutional body that is just doing its job. The state auditor who did the DOH audit just died of a heart attack yesterday because of the stress he has to deal with because of an in util president who doesn’t know anything at all and just uses his gangsta attitude to run this government.

And now this demon of a health minister is using emotional manipulation (no one is buying it, you idiot!) to play victim. Damn you! If I could only slap you in the face right now, I would. Tell all these things to the doctors and nurses who died without receiving their allowances and hazard pays.

Meanwhile, I’m joking to friends that former colonies of Spain only need two years of residency to apply for citizenship. I said we can now all apply for asylum status in Spain if Bong Go or Sara Duterte wins next year. Learning Spanish for us is not hard because our language, Filipino, is a hybrid of Spanish, Malay and English. It’s not like learning Nihongo or Korean that the grammar and script are completely different.

I envy my kids in a way, they only had to worry about small things while I am thinking that the Philippines will become Afghanistan. The Nancy Drew I ordered finally arrived so at least they can be away from their computer screens for a while.


A childhood friend and I talked for two hours tonight as she related to me that she has a boyfriend now after a failed marriage. I told her I am the worst person to talk to right now if she’s seeking advice or assurance that everything will be all right. I said enjoy it while it lasts and think about it when we’re 65, are you going to regret it? If yes, don’t go into it. If no, then just enjoy it and be happy. I’m just a jaded old crone who cannot say anything nice right now about relationships post-divorce/separation because I’m still processing things.

She says I will meet somebody and I’m still young blah blah. I said, you know what? Just enjoy what you have right now. If you’re happy, it doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to make sure that everybody’s happy. I’m way past it. I don’t have any desire for romantic relationships anymore. Yes, there are those who are showing signs of interest but I don’t want it. I’m emotionally bankrupt and I don’t want to go through hell again.

So dear friend, don’t listen to me. Just be happy. Enjoy what you have right now. I’m a party pooper. Don’t be like me who gave it all and received so little. I ignored all the red flags and justified so many things. Stay away from judgmental people; they do not understand things. Do not ignore trivial matters that bother you because there’s a reason these “trivial” things nag at your brain, that they keep hanging around your amygdala. Do not be like me who has nothing left anymore to give another person.

Just be happy.

It’s the 14th of August

And we have 14,000 new infections today. Very apt.

To make myself feel better, I tried again the oven and grill feature of my new stove top. Less oily food for us today.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I received some packs of Quorn products from its parent company as part of their relaunch in the Philippines. So for today I baked the vegetarian nuggets while i cooked tamagoyaki on top of the oven.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

After this I removed the pan and replaced it with a wire mesh to grill okra.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I haven’t tried grilling steaks on this gas griller and I don’t want to ruin a perfectly seasoned steak. Not yet anyway. But I tried grilling burgers on it last week.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It has been quite a while since my meals have become irregular. Too much work. But it was last week when I realized that I had consistently been eating less in terms of serving and frequency. Only twice a day. I tried fasting yesterday with only milk as my source of nutrition (breakfast). By 4 pm I gave up. I couldn’t go without food. I needed to eat, especially after writing a 1,500-word article.

So if I should attempt again to fast, I should do it on a weekend and not when I am pressured to write epics. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am distracting myself with cooking because right now I want to kill the DOH secretary. I don’t want to be stressed today with news about him and the COA report. And the mass resignation of healthcare workers.

Meanwhile, the lockdown may be extended given the steady rise in the number of new cases and hospitals operating at maximum capacity. A lot of people are going hungry again. I am in touch with one of the community pantry organizers here and they are now distributing food packs to jeep and tricycle drivers. I’ll see if I can give them a hand during my work leave.

How to be brave

I’ve talked to two HR managers today–two cousins of mine who works and worked in global companies–for career advice.

It has been weighing on my mind for months and months. Both of them gave me some kind of solution to my predicament, but each gave me a different approach. So I’ll sleep on it and if I still feel the same tomorrow, then I roll into action.

But right now I’m starting to get a bit… apprehensive. What if there’s really no room for me to maneuver? What if the solution is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire?

How to be brave?

I’ve taken so many risks in my life and I’ve been strong because I have no other choice because I’m a single parent. But I don’t know if I am brave or just foolish.

Lord, just catch me when I fall.

Most powerful song

This one song had a profound effect on me, especially the lines:

“Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?
Years go by, if I’m stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by, will I choke on my tears ’til, finally there is nothing left
One more casualty, you know we’re too easy, easy, easy
“

Because of this song, I promised myself I will not waste away my years and end up at 65 years old, asking myself where has my life gone? It was 2016. I told the the father of my kids about me filing an annulment case. Because of these most powerful lines:

…I said sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice, I hear my voice, and it’s been here
Silent all these years. I’ve been here silent all these years
Silent all these, silent all these years

After I got off that horrible situation, I thought I found “somebody else to understand” me. Nope. This need for some kind of understanding was exploited. And landed me in a situation where “I choked on my tears ’til finally there is nothing left.”

I’m still trying to recover. I’m still trying to find my voice because staying silent through the years, when I gave more energy than I received, is like being disembowelled. I died but I kept on living.

Tori Amos, you do not have any idea how much your song changed me.

The political economy of media

When I was still teaching in UP, I always introduce my students to the concept of political economy of media in real world settings. Not the kind that you read in textbooks or essays of academics. I tell them how the day-to-day decisions in the newsroom are affected by this. It’s about what story gets killed because the newspaper/TV network’s sacred cows would be offended. Or a real estate company would threaten the advertising department with an ad pullout if the article written by a supposedly independent-minded journalist is slanted differently. You have your ideals as a reporter and an editor but then the powers that be have a different view. As my ex-boss said before, it’s an everyday battle. You keep pushing the envelope; testing how far your sense of justice and fairness can get you.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer was the first newspaper I wrote for. I had been writing for them when I was still in college, which spilled over to my first few months as a fresh grad research assistant. It was born when the country was about to mount an uprising against dictator Ferdinand Marcos. It was founded by Eugenia “Eggie” Apostol, who led Mr and Ms, an innocent-looking magazine that contained anti-dictatorship articles, subversive stories that people like my parents were consuming like mad during the time all media outfits not under Marcos’ thumb are shut down (we had mountains of those magazines at the back of our house, together with Malaya).

It was a newspaper that defied the government when it was wrong. It fought for what was right. It was THE newspaper after Manila Times never recovered its footing after Chino Roces got imprisoned by Marcos and had to sell his newspaper. After some years, Eggie Apostol stepped down and Letty Jimenez-Magsanoc took the reins. She was an equally tough lady who faced a threat of closure by Joseph Estrada when his own presidency was threatened after scandal after scandal was uncovered (which led to another revolt against a sitting president). Manila Times under Lisa Gokongwei did not survive the economic pressures from Estrada after my friend wrote that famous “unwitting ninong” article about the insider trading involving BW Resources and the president. Gokongwei had to sell the Times to an Estrada crony.

Inquirer was the first newspaper that stumbled upon one of the biggest corruption stories of the decade, if not decades, which started with a simple kidnapping case filed with the National Bureau of Investigation around 2012-2013. (I also picked up this “pork barrel” scandal and was part of the investigative team for my own news organization that focused on this and our stories competed and complemented the stories produced by the Inquirer). That newspaper was instrumental for sending three senators ALMOST to prison (the courts have overturned whatever progress we had, after Duterte came into power because crooks gotta band together).

Now I feel that the Inquirer is already a puppet newspaper. It has folded under the pressure from some bit players in that pork barrel scam. The pressure though may not just be coming from one Melo del Prado but from some more sinister quarters of Duterte’s world. I don’t know; it normally wouldn’t succumb to such small fry. But then Duterte has already crippled the owners, the Prietos, when he came into power and there was a point that Ramon Ang, the president and CEO of San Miguel Corp, was about to take over the newspaper because financially they couldn’t cope anymore.

And here is Prof. La Vina’s take on the whole thing: