I am sleeping better the last few nights compared to the previous weeks when I wake up almost every hour. The pain was just too much that it has completely wrecked my body clock. My body is now recuperating by sleeping every chance I get during my leave from work.

Lying on my bed before falling off to sleep, be it night or day, gave me a chance to ruminate over the things that happened recently. J’s recent behavior made me question everything about him and everything that went on between us. I probably put him too high on a pedestal that’s why I didn’t question things that I should have. Now, I am questioning whether there was some truth in the sexual harassment case against him in his last firm. When he told me about it after he was stripped off of his company phone and company laptop when he was forced to go on garden leave, I totally accepted that it was false accusation and that it was an injustice and that they just wanted him out of the company.

Now the way he pursued this kid from within my circle sounds so carnal. As one of my friends said, he is scary creepy.

It puts things in a new light that I haven’t viewed before.

Maybe his scary creepy behavior would be ok for some local woman/girl who wants to snag a foreigner boyfriend to milk or wants him as her ticket to going abroad and out of poverty.

Maybe I was too blind, gave him too much credit. Excused him too many times. I believed in him so much that I ignored everything else.

I don’t know what else to think. I wish he would leave the country soon so he could stop hurting me. This city is too small for the both of us.

I want my sleep back. I want my sanity back. I want peace. I want to stop hurting.

The world around me is collapsing; everything is on fire and yet this administration is doing nothing but politicking and ransacking the coffers. The healthcare workers are going on strike tomorrow. Our foreign debt has gone into trillions but we couldn’t see where the proceeds of those debt went to. No vaccines, no wide testing, no effective contact tracing. Those useless face shields are sources of corruption. Every corner of this administration was flagged by the state auditor.

We are a sinking ship.