— Khandaker Muntasir Hossain (@KhandakerMunta) June 22, 2023
And that’s the reality, folks. Some rich adventurers who dived into their doom get so much attention and support from the world and yet those who get lost in the sea because conditions back home are so bad that they risk dying in open sea don’t get help. Both tragedies happened at the same time.
Anyway, at this point there are no survivors since in theory their oxygen has run out hours ago. Hopefully, they didn’t have to suffer and it was instantaneous. I don’t know if it’s better to have gone when it imploded due to pressure or I die slowly and choke because I no longer have oxygen.
When I go freediving, I could already feel the pressure in my ears and we’re not even talking about several hundred feet…at 15 ft you could already feel it. At 375 atmospheres…
I think because this thing is so macabre that’s why the world is fascinated with this story. It’s like a well-publicized assisted suicide.
I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing. But the whole media circus touches the raw part of me that is scared of dark depths so it kind of creeps me out. My freediving is my way of confronting this fear but then, what is happening/happened to Titan is raising my fears again.
This is also like the feeling I got when I read Edgar Allan Poe’s The Cask of Amontillado.
I was unproductive today. I wasn’t able to work because I just slept most of the day. I might have caught a nasty bug from Twin I, who in turn caught it from her younger cousin, L.
I will sleep for a few hours and let’s see what daylight brings later today. I was supposed to process yesterday at noon the conversation I had with L last Monday but I fell asleep as I was attempting to type it into an update of yesterday’s blog entry.
Hopefully, I would feel better later today.
No, I feel worse. It’s making editing today difficult because that job requires a lot of brain power. I’m brainless today. However, I need to go grocery shopping later tonight because my fridge is empty.
I’m too sick to do that either.
Since my fridge is empty and we’re too sick to go out for dinner or even collect FoodPanda or Grab at the gate, I resorted to making weird food out of stuff left in my house.
Heating up whole wheat tortilla that has been sleeping in my chiller. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Grilling hotdogs, the only thing left in my freezer. Photo by CallMeCreation.com This is a cross between a burrito and a hotdog sandwich. Photo by CallMeCreation.com And that’s dinner. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My body was full of knotted muscles so I had booked a two-hour Zennya massage last night. At the end of the session I was already snoring so I just went straight to bed and forgot about everything else.
Today, I was bombarded with edits (which was fine) and hiring chores/issues (which was not fine) that I had suffered through diarrhea the entire day due to too much stomach acids. I think I had been going to the bathroom 10x already. It seems like my proton pump inhibitor (esomeprazole) is not doing its job. If by next week I’ll still be like this (geez I’m in Singapore 🤦♀️), then it seems like I need to have that endoscopy to see whether I already have peptic ulcers.
I think I need to decompress for a bit.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Let’s see what I can come up with later.
This is why I bought a heat gun from Lazada last night. A small desk fan cannot dry washes in an instant. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Yes, I repeated an old image. Art and photo by CallMeCreation,com
I redid this Binangonan sunset that I drew last year. This time, I did not resort to using fine liners to define plants and I am now more light-handed when it comes to sky colors compared to the first drawing. This paper is still very wet so I will just revisit this tomorrow when it’s completely dry.
Why did I do this?
Nothing. Just to track my progress when it comes to technique i.e. showing the opacity and how to do reflections on water. The first time I did this, Laguna Lake didn’t look like a lake at all; it was just a muddy valley. Now at least there’s a semblance of water reflecting the sky. I also mixed cadmium yellow + cobalt violet and cadmium orange + cobalt violet to produce different browns for the lake shore that would go with sunset and the lake. For the other part of the lake, it was a mixture of imperial violet + blue gray deep of varying degrees. Using the pre-mixed browns and grays made my first drawing muddy and it lacked opacity that is needed when sunlight changes every second. Watching other artists on Instagram is helping me to rely less on pre-mixed colors and create my own.
This is still ugly in my eyes so I need to continue improving this. Probably next year.
It turns out nothing is wrong with me. My bad cholesterol, uric acid, and triglycerides are back to normal from their stratospheric heights in 2021 while my blood sugar (both FBS and hba1c) remains normal. My major organs are fine (unremarkable, the interpretations said). So what’s the deal with my stomach pain that knocked the wind out of me?
It’s stomach acids, not the pancreas, my attending physician said. If I respond to the drug he gave me, then it’s acids. If I don’t, then it’s likely ulcer and I need an endoscopy to ascertain it. But my GI specialist isn’t that perturbed because there is no bleeding or signs that I am at that point. He just gave me an order for the pancreas scan if I wanted to but he says it’s not needed unless I get another similar attack. I will have that scan because stomach acids cannot explain the pain that radiated to my back.
Shit! It’s really stress. It’s eating me alive.
I am really, really done for.
And you know what’s the tragic thing here? They don’t f*cking care if you die. You’re just another tool. Another cog. You are replaceable.
Just like our in-house legal counsel. He had cancer and he worked himself to death. He loved his job because he was a journalist first and then a lawyer second. He bit the bullet for us whenever we had lawsuits. And now, he is forgotten. The new management didn’t even get to know him.
I checked my house first before going to the hospital this afternoon.
This staircase will be torn down soon. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Digging deep for the expanded basefor my new industrial strength staircase.Photo by CallMeCreation.com The outside night light. Photo by CallMeCreation.com I can finally close my bathroom door as my granite countertop has been trimmed. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Finally, a proper window. Photo by CallMeCreation.com The shelves on the tapered side of the counter.For toiletries maybe? Photo by CallMeCreation.com Cabinet for toilet paper and cleaning supplies. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Bookshelves/lookout platform for my cats. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I strolled a bit to go to the jeepney stop because it’s better to take public transport than bring my car. I don’t want to fight for parking space at the hospital. The campus is teeming with students again after almost 3 years. The first semester was hybrid so it was still like a ghost town here from August to December.
The students are back for the second semester. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I decided to go back to QC early (3 pm) since traffic was light and took the mountain bypass road that I had grown to love through the years.
Faculty housing on my right. My bro didn’t move from their apartment to a three-bedroom housing unit because he didn’t want to maintain a lawn. His own townhouse now doesn’t have any lawn or garden at all. Photo by CallMeCreation.comDriving through a secondary forest. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Maybe moving back here is the right choice. My stress is not as pronounced compared to when I’m back at my apartment in QC. Maybe because I’m cooped up in there. Maybe because I’ve always been a provinciana that the knots in my whole body uncoil when I see trees.
Now that these tests are out of the way, I can concentrate on other tasks now such as scheduling my appointments with other doctors 😑 which is the hardest part.
I forgot to get my results 😑 before leaving for QC. But I guess they’re the same from last year. The fact that I suspect it was pancreatitis that pushed me to see doctors this weekend, it’s no doubt the trigger are my triglycerides that are likely much more elevated now. 🫠
I now have to prepare my own food since I have to lower my bad cholesterol and triglycerides…no more processed carbohydrates for me. Complex carbs and fish. Steamed, grilled, and broiled/boiled. Salmon, mackerel, tuna, and chicken. 😭 Sigh. I have to look for ways to make vegetables more appetizing. Sweet potatoes. I’ve already refrained from eating sweet stuff. I have to hoard smoked salmon when I see them.
Ageing is hard. But dying is harder. Choose your hard. 🚩
Back in the city. Waiting for Twin A who was having a haircut. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I wanted to drop by at Art Fair Manila this afternoon coming from the south but I had an inkling that people may be swarming the area. I just went straight home to do the usual weekend errands.
Good thing I listened to my gut feel. A journo posted on FB that it took him 15 mins to get out of the 3F parking area of Greenbelt 1. The volume of cars was more than the usual. He said it seemed like a lot of people don’t care about the 8.7% inflation rate. Or everyone went to Art Fair Manila, as one commenter said. 🤔 Hmmm, I haven’t realized that the local art scene has become more mainstream and is no longer the exclusive territory of the artsy fartsy crowd. I mean, that’s good. But then, there’s the sad reality that people go to art exhibits just to do their Tik Tok videos there and not to appreciate art, as one local artist lamented in a social media post. He/she caught some kids carelessly putting their stuff on his/her work so they can do their Tik Tok videos. 😢
I wish BDO would open up its art collection to the public because they are beautiful. I am only one of the few who got access to their collection when I attended one party there in 2018. I only was able to take a few photos of the paintings I liked for future reference. There were a lot to take in.
If I’m not mistaken, this is an Anita Magsaysay-Ho. A friend posted on FB an Anita Magsaysay-Ho painting that was sold for PHP 84.5m a few days ago 😶🌫️ Photo by CallMeCreation.comFernando Amorsolo. Photo by CallMeCreation.comAgain, if I’m not mistaken, this is a Manansala. I had a Manansala mosaic that I lost forever and ever in the old house. I think the girls’ dad took it to his province. 😭 Photo by CallMeCreation.com Photo by CallMeCreation.com This could be an Amorsolo, I think. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Now, this artist escapes me. Photo by CallMeCreation.com I never knew I would be drawn to Ang Kiukok, but I am. When I was young, I couldn’t “get” him and HR Ocampo. But the older I get, the more I appreciate Ang Kiukok’s art. Comedian Joey de Leon (who is also an fine artist) is a known collector of Ang Kiukok. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Another Ang Kiukok. I like the warm colors. Photo by CallMeCreation.com I know I wrote down the name of this artist because this doesn’t show any signature style of any national/well-known local artist. Now I can’t find it so I can’t identify this properly. But I like it just the same because this looks like something I would paint in the future. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Quite frankly, a lot of the paintings sold in Tiendesitas are imitating Zalameda so it’s hard to pick out this artist from the ones being sold everywhere. But I like the colors in this one. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Woke up early for this. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
So after a long absence, or rather, after years of not visiting my gynecologist, I finally put my big panties on and adulted. I am now taking an executive check up, so this morning I told her my medical history since 2017-ish (Covid delta when I bled too much during my prolonged menstrual period and my psychiatric therapy). Had my pelvic sonogram and pap smear taken, scheduling my sonomammogram and mammogram mid-March, and will have all my blood work and ECG done tomorrow.
Pelvic exam normal and nothing alarming so far, thank goodness.
After my tests are in, I would get referred to an IM specialist, depending on what results are out of whack. As I told her, based on the tests my psychiatrist asked me to have in 2021, my triglycerides, LDL and uric acid are through the roof and my only saving grace is that my fasting blood sugar is normal. My blood pressure is always normal, unlike the rest of my family that is suffering from hypertension and diabetes now.
Then I had referrals to a GI specialist (for my suspected pancreatitis) and a dermatologist/plastic surgery specialist to remove my osteoma. I need to schedule everything next week before I fly to Singapore in early March.
I must drive here mid-week for these—especially my visit to the GI specialist—because I can’t have another attack like that while abroad. If my pancreas is inflamed and I get sick in Singapore, that would be a very expensive trip.
I remember when I had a similar attack like that (because my gall bladder was already getting blocked by stones), I was immobile for two days before I finally brought myself to the surgeon. I didn’t bother with getting a GI opinion; I knew it was my gall bladder because I had an attack before and sonogram showed gall stones. It was so bad that the surgeon operated on me three days after as an emergency case (like they needed to clear the OR for me) because if I didn’t have it done ASAP, my gall bladder would have burst and I could have died.
True enough, the surgeon showed me the photo of my gall bladder, which looked like a dried up pitcher plant on the white operating table. Indeed, it was like a sack full of stones and one big stone was already blocking the opening towards the pancreas. No wonder I was so sick. But then, my surgeon had a macabre sense of humor… I DON’T KNOW if it was standard practice or not but he kept my stones in a glass bottle and gave it to me as a souvenir. 🫠
So this time, I don’t want to take chances. I must catch an illness before it becomes so advanced that it is already too late… Be it pseudocyst in the pancreas, cysts in the breast, or myoma—I need to catch it early.
I would like to let you know that I am reaching a breaking point in my mental health and well-being. I have suffered from pancreatitis the other night at 2 am, vomiting my way out of the pain. This is only one of the physical manifestations of the anxiety and stress that I am experiencing.
I hope people recognize that Southeast Asia is a difficult bureau to manage with 6 active/big markets and several languages that I need to be on top of. I manage different people whom I do not see (except for Kr) and do my best to keep them engaged and keep productivity up despite some of them not having any raises or promotion since joining. This aside from other admin tasks that crop up from time to time.
I am also trying to keep my personal KPIs intact and keep my editing duties as we all are understaffed. On top of this, I am trying to fill the gaps in the coverage especially with Singapore being out of action since December-January and Thailand since 2020. And yet I get hammered for doing my job, like last week when I pushed out that xx story. I did my best, but I still get the blame.
I have managed all these even when I was still deputy since most of the manager’s tasks were already put on my shoulders ever since I assumed that role in 2018.
However, this hiring is already eating into the little breathing room I have. It’s ok to manage the correspondences, tests, and interviews of candidates since I am the manager and I would be the best judge if I can work with this candidate or not. However, my poaching, the trawling on the profiles of “quality” candidates/with pedigree is not workable—it is the job of an HR talent acquisition team, as one HR head of an MNC told me. My role as a manager is to pick and approve which candidate will proceed for testing and interview and the HR talent acquisition team’s role is to acquire the candidates for screening. I do not understand why our HR cannot assist me in this regard since generally HR talent acquisition teams should treat hiring departments (in our case, editorial) as their clients—it is their main job. If they consider Singapore a very important office and that they want top-notch hires, maybe they could lend me some assistance in this regard because I cannot do it alone.
There should be a compromise somewhere here because I cannot spend my evenings doing the candidate search when I am a solo parent and the sole income earner with no child support, who also needs to attend to the needs of my children. We were sick the last two weeks and I couldn’t even bring my children immediately to the doctor to see if they contracted pneumonia or even bring myself to the hospital for my pancreatitis because hospitalization means there would be nobody to manage the team, the edits, and everything else.
I would like to take a sick leave tomorrow just to sort out myself physically first.
Thank you.
CallMeCreation.com
I conducted my interview this afternoon with Kimchi on my desk. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My cats knew something was wrong with me so they kept close.
I finally figured out what was wrong. It’s not the pay, it’s not the changes, it’s not the small irritants that are driving me up the wall. It’s the overwhelming work that I shouldn’t be doingthat is driving me insane. The pressure from the top had me paralyzed. I couldn’t perform a simple task like writing in the past few weeks. I am overwhelmed.
On Wed early morning, about 2 am, I woke up with this terrible pain in my upper middle abdomen. The pain was excruciating that I couldn’t breathe. It was radiating to my back. It was the same kind of pain that I felt when my gall bladder was about to get infected due to stones. I remember in 2014 I was having oily diarrhea and vomiting so that same week I had surgery to have my gall bladder removed. The attack was similar to what I felt early Wednesday. But the thing here is, I no longer have any gall bladder. It seems like it’s my pancreas and my symptoms matched with that of acute pancreatitis. I was afraid I was having a heart attack because my dad’s symptoms were the same when he had his major heart attack before I rushed him to the hospital back in 2000.
I wasn’t wearing my smart watch so I couldn’t monitor my heartbeats. I knew it was out of whack and my sweat was cold. I was drenched. The pain lasted for an hour until I vomited bile or something.
Only after that did I feel some relief from pain.
I didn’t know how I would bring myself to the hospital. I thought I was going to die.
Now looking back, this was the same thing that happened to me months before I quit my job with the local media. I tendered my resignation a month after the gall bladder surgery.
Now I realize it’s all stress. It was stress that pushed me out of that job, I guess it’s stress again that will push me out of this job again, if management will not listen to me.
I’m trying to save whatever goodwill I have left for this company and for my colleagues.
But if I can’t beat the system, then probably it’s time for me to go. I did warn them.
