I let myself go at the Manila International Book Fair.

And I haven’t even bought books at the ground floor at the rate I was spending money.

I spent too much at the Pilot booth that I got a free Kakuno fountain pen and cartridges. Free.

I would have bought a riot of ink colors but at PHP 450 a pop (discounted) for a small Iroshizuku ink, that would be the height of irresponsibility.

I bought stacks of Juice Pilot Pens, Acroball, and refills for my Pilot Dr. Grip.

I don’t know… All writers I know are addicted to stationery.

Then of course, art materials. 🤦🏻‍♀️

And I bought stacks of hardbound sketch pads (four each for me and Twin A), color pencils sets and stavks of softbound sketchpads for my nephews, acrylic markers for Twin A, 12 pots of poster colors for Twin I, a set of Uniball fine liners with engraved with name for a bff’s daughter, and bundles and bundles of gel pens and correction tapes.

It’s as if I have all the time in the world to draw and paint. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Well, if I suddenly find myself unemployed, I have all the time in the world. 😭

Because the unthinkable happened.

I wasn’t chosen for the assistant professor post at my undergrad college! Another bff told me (who was in the panel), the journ department didn’t like that I said that I would still do contributions and keep my foot in the mass media door.

They want me to be fully and totally locked in academia.

They went with the other candidate who is willing to be that, a full academic with no practice.

This wouldn’t have been an issue at UP Diliman where I used to teach and had my grad studies. Our current department chair there still has a show in GMA. But if course, I wouldn’t transfer back to Metro Manila just for that! Cost of living is just too high there, with rent and everything else.

It would have been fine to be locked out of practice of profession if I have a PhD (so my rank could be higher) or if the pay doesn’t suck for assistant professor 1, step 1 (because I don’t have any published papers yet).

It was a blow to my ego (actually, more of annoyed) but it’s kind of OK in a way because I won’t be flogging myself for being too poor to eat out.

I have kids in private school! I wouldn’t be able to afford their tuition as a solo parent.

So with that done, I told my mom that academia is not for me. I guess she won’t harp on it again.

So what now for me? I don’t know. I haven’t found a role fit for me. The Manila bureau chief post from a rival is already gone so they must have found someone to fill the position.

I really don’t know what I’m to do. I juat received my salary for August but the question is, how long before the tap dries up? I haven’t spoken again to somebody about consulting because I’m still very much bound to a straight journalist’s strict ethics. It’s so hard for me to be forward about it — it’s like I’m breaching a code. Like committing a crime.

I just published three back-to-back scoops, one of them was too big of a story that a local publication had no choice but to cite our publication for breaking the story when they reported it yesterday.

The adrenalin rush is still there.

I’m still a journalist through and through…

How do I stop being one?

Beatles on nylon strings hits differently. It’s like playing a classical piece of music. The magician here is Dominic Miller, Sting’s guitarist, who is also an outstanding artist on his own.

My father was a Beatles fan. I remember when ABC 5 (which is now TV5) was doing its test broadcasts then, they would play Beatles videos/clips and my father was all for it. It didn’t matter if they were playing the same things over and over. He was there for it. He explained to me the magic of the Beatles, what made them work and why they endured.

He would have loved to listen to Dom Miller play all the Beatles catalogue on his nylon strings. He would have played Dom Miller’s entire CD the entire afternoon while he reclined on his rocking chair.

And you know what’s beautiful about all this? Beatles songs don’t sound alike. Norwegian Wood sounds miles away from Yellow Submarine or Blackbird.

And here is Dominic’s Blackbird, the most mesmerizing Beatles song for me.

And no wonder Dom Miller plays Beatles like they’re classical piece of music — it’s because they are based off classical pieces! Paul McCartney goes back to Bach for inspiration!

And there was a Ric Beato interview with Dom Miller and Sting and they were talking about daily practice with classical pieces to keep fingers nimble. Great musicians always go back to the masters for inspiration, for training, and mastery.

Dom Miller is also the man who wrote one of the most beautiful guitar riffs in pop, which sounds like a Latin American song. Well, it makes sense because he grew up in South America (not sure if in Argentina or Brazil).

So I started sewing again.

I’m in my granny era now so that explains the kind of print I have for my pillow cases.

It has been sitting in my pile of “to do” that I never got around to doing. I suddenly had the urge to create something with my hands instead of just doom-scrolling my weekend away.

Let’s see. What else shall I create this weekend?

I may go back to sketching again. Let’s see tomorrow.

I didn’t realize how much anxiety I was carrying until today. All this time I was trying to be nonchalant about the chaos in my company and the uncertainties I’m trying to minimize.

I just broke down and cried all morning today.

I got my nth job application rejection from a rival company on Tuesday while I was waiting for my turn to do my teaching demo and interview with the faculty at my uni.

I feel like I’m slowly losing my identity because I know that once I leave, I will also be leaving the profession. It seems like I no longer have a future in journalism practice. For decades I have attached my identity to my profession.

The feeling of loneliness was amplified when a colleague, JW, suddenly announced via email also on Tuesday that it was her last day with us. And to think we were rushing three stories that we co-authored last week. 😭

It was bad enough that another colleague, VL, also quit last week. We were about to upload our story on the CMS but then I couldn’t find her name on the dropdown box. JW told me that VL just quit and was on garden leave.

No wonder she was immediately taken off the IT system.

I feel forlorn because everybody is moving on while I couldn’t. I’m still stuck. Companies in HK and/or Singapore are hiring but in my neck of the woods they aren’t. I mean, I’ve  been trying to apply for remote positions as correspondent or editor but for some reason I’m not a match.

I’m in the wrong part of the world.

With glaciers falling with landslides, causing massive flooding in Nepal and Tibet, and widespread floods in Japan and China, I don’t think climate change deniers can dismiss all these catastrophes anymore. The super El Niño is delivering large amounts of rainfall to us here in the Pacific and it’s getting worse every year. Tropical Storm Ondoy in 2009 — when we had floodwaters for three weeks in Cainta — was the start of the end. That was when I thought things are going to get worse because climate change is real, man!

I checked the satellite images for this week and I risked driving to SMX and BGC last Wednesday to get stories and network. Went back to SMX yesterday to chase a CEO — so I got storieeeesssssss!

Thursday I published three stories. Friday, I published three more. 🫠

I needed to finish those in my pipeline because it’s a holiday on Monday. I am planning to drive to Nagcarlan, if the rains have abated, for this view:

I bought this cat mug from the weekend community market last Sunday. Just because.

I needed some whimsy in my life right now that everything is uncertain. A colleague and I were chatting over MS Teams about our situation and she told me there were a lot of journos in US and UK who already resigned. Some non-editorial and editorial staff have been pestering HR regarding the status of employment because they have rent and other bills to pay. But of course HR couldn’t say anything because this company is the most opaque one I’ve ever been in.

Some of us in this part of the world are holding on until we get new jobs. It’s stupid to leave without a new job in this economy.

I continue to submit my job application to various companies. Still in the same industry.

I just received today the first positive feedback in a very long time. And as expected, my undergrad college told me I passed the initial screening test (and I know it’s just formalities) and I will have a teaching demo and interview on Wednesday next week.

I have mixed feelings about this. Aside from the low pay, I will terribly miss being in the field. Yes, it is exhausting but the libog is still there whenever I get good interviews and stories.

It’s kinda sad that I’m in this predicament.