I just join my cats sleeping most of the day. I feel like I’m slipping down a slippery slope and I’m just a breath away from a major spiral.

I don’t know what I’m writing for when I’m going to lose my job anyway. I can’t get out of this job because I still can’t find roles. I haven’t heard from the last one I’ve applied to and the jobs that match me are far and between.

The banks are hiring. Maybe I should try even though I may not be the right fit. 🤔

Ever since I got rejected from that tenure track position at my own uni, by my own undergrad college, my self-esteem got erroded.

I edited some stories yesterday but today was just total garbage. I was horizontal on my bed, brain rotting with my tablet. I sent only one email and I haven’t even received a response.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know where I’m going. I’m boxed in because I live far away from Metro Manila and gas is going to kill me if I drive daily to a new job that requires to be in the office five days a week. I might as well buy myself an EV car, which is I’m not prepared for.

I don’t know. I need help. I’m slipping…

Little by little it’s beginning to look like Christmas in malls. And I’m not yet prepared. 😭

Didn’t I just take down the Christmas curtains from last season?!

Everything is so fast. 🫠

And I will be facing Christmas with a tightened belt. It’s kind of hard when we’re used to spending without a very strict budget for gifts during the holidays.

I don’t know what lies ahead but I’m looking at a possible consulting gig and the principal is flying next month to Manila so we can talk.

Keeping my fingers crossed 🤞

One of my best purchases at MIBF last week was this Amorsolo print at the Ayala Museum booth.

Now it hangs in my TV area.

On the opposite end of the TV area is the Spoliarium puzzle print from the National Museum of Fine Arts.

I should have my Van Gogh and the other prints I bought from the Singapore National Gallery framed while I still have this job.

I let myself go at the Manila International Book Fair.

And I haven’t even bought books at the ground floor at the rate I was spending money.

I spent too much at the Pilot booth that I got a free Kakuno fountain pen and cartridges. Free.

I would have bought a riot of ink colors but at PHP 450 a pop (discounted) for a small Iroshizuku ink, that would be the height of irresponsibility.

I bought stacks of Juice Pilot Pens, Acroball, and refills for my Pilot Dr. Grip.

I don’t know… All writers I know are addicted to stationery.

Then of course, art materials. 🤦🏻‍♀️

And I bought stacks of hardbound sketch pads (four each for me and Twin A), color pencils sets and stacks of softbound sketchpads for my nephews, acrylic markers for Twin A, 12 pots of poster colors for Twin I, a set of Uniball fine liners with engraved with name for a bff’s daughter, and bundles and bundles of gel pens and correction tapes.

It’s as if I have all the time in the world to draw and paint. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Well, if I suddenly find myself unemployed, I have all the time in the world. 😭

Because the unthinkable happened.

I wasn’t chosen for the assistant professor post at my undergrad college! Another bff told me (who was in the panel), the journ department didn’t like that I said that I would still do contributions and keep my foot in the mass media door.

They want me to be fully and totally locked in academia.

They went with the other candidate who is willing to be that, a full academic with no practice.

This wouldn’t have been an issue at UP Diliman where I used to teach and had my grad studies. Our current department chair there still has a show in GMA. But of course, I wouldn’t transfer back to Metro Manila just for that! Cost of living is just too high there, with rent and everything else.

It would have been fine to be locked out of practice of profession if I have a PhD (so my rank could be higher) or if the pay doesn’t suck for assistant professor 1, step 1 (because I don’t have any published papers yet).

It was a blow to my ego (actually, more of annoyed) but it’s kind of OK in a way because I won’t be flogging myself for being too poor to eat out.

I have kids in private school! I wouldn’t be able to afford their tuition as a solo parent.

So with that done, I told my mom that academia is not for me. I guess she won’t harp on it again.

So what now for me? I don’t know. I haven’t found a role fit for me. The Manila bureau chief post from a rival is already gone so they must have found someone to fill the position.

I really don’t know what I’m to do. I just received my salary for August but the question is, how long before the tap dries up? I haven’t spoken again to somebody about consulting because I’m still very much bound to a straight journalist’s strict ethics. It’s so hard for me to be forward about it — it’s like I’m breaching a code. Like committing a crime.

I just published three back-to-back scoops, one of them was too big of a story that a local publication had no choice but to cite our publication for breaking the story when they reported it yesterday.

The adrenalin rush is still there.

I’m still a journalist through and through…

How do I stop being one?

Beatles on nylon strings hits differently. It’s like playing a classical piece of music. The magician here is Dominic Miller, Sting’s guitarist, who is also an outstanding artist on his own.

My father was a Beatles fan. I remember when ABC 5 (which is now TV5) was doing its test broadcasts then, they would play Beatles videos/clips and my father was all for it. It didn’t matter if they were playing the same things over and over. He was there for it. He explained to me the magic of the Beatles, what made them work and why they endured.

He would have loved to listen to Dom Miller play all the Beatles catalogue on his nylon strings. He would have played Dom Miller’s entire CD the entire afternoon while he reclined on his rocking chair.

And you know what’s beautiful about all this? Beatles songs don’t sound alike. Norwegian Wood sounds miles away from Yellow Submarine or Blackbird.

And here is Dominic’s Blackbird, the most mesmerizing Beatles song for me.

And no wonder Dom Miller plays Beatles like they’re classical piece of music — it’s because they are based off classical pieces! Paul McCartney goes back to Bach for inspiration!

And there was a Ric Beato interview with Dom Miller and Sting and they were talking about daily practice with classical pieces to keep fingers nimble. Great musicians always go back to the masters for inspiration, for training, and mastery.

Dom Miller is also the man who wrote one of the most beautiful guitar riffs in pop, which sounds like a Latin American song. Well, it makes sense because he grew up in South America (not sure if in Argentina or Brazil).

So I started sewing again.

I’m in my granny era now so that explains the kind of print I have for my pillow cases.

It has been sitting in my pile of “to do” that I never got around to doing. I suddenly had the urge to create something with my hands instead of just doom-scrolling my weekend away.

Let’s see. What else shall I create this weekend?

I may go back to sketching again. Let’s see tomorrow.