Shattered

Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future’s open wide, beyond believing
To know why hope dies
And losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
But the silence of this sound is soon to follow
But somehow sundown

And finding answers is forgetting all of the
Questions we call home
Passing the graves of the unknown

As reason clouds my eyes with splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight
A reflection of a lie will keep me waiting
with love gone for so long

And this day’s ending is the proof of time
killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold

And I’ve lost who I am, and I can’t understand
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love
Without, love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on
But I know, all i know is that the end’s beginning
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent
All this time spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain
All is lost but hope remains and this war’s not over
There’s a light, there’s a sun taking all these shattered ones
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding
Fall into your sunlight


Been swimming in David Hodges (including Trading Yesterday, Arrows to Athens) songs the past 48 hours. I don’t know why. I haven’t listened to him in years. Maybe because he has been very apt for the past few days.

It’s Monday again; it’s such a struggle to be productive but against all odds I was. There was a “little” mishap during today’s press conference not of my doing (never trust other people to do their jobs well) but I still managed to salvage what could be salvaged and still end up triumphant. But I ended up rushing a time-sensitive story, rushing to publish ahead of competition. I hedged an article related to this one last week, which was a good call since today could have gone another way. My 20-year experience always gets tested in situations like these.

To calm my frayed nerves. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I had to grab one bottle of Smirnoff to calm me down after the hectic day I’ve had. I had to finish another very long article today that was already overdue while trying to rush that time-sensitive story. And my editing jobs had piled up on me from last Friday.

All I wanted was to float today.

I wanted to process so many things today but life gets in the way.

Like you know, you can’t stop the world from turning just because yours already stopped but your children’s worlds continue to move on. You cannot die even if you’re already dead because your children need to go on living. You cannot afford to be suspended in air because your children need you. You have no choice but to be strong when you just want to buckle and give in. Because you’re tired of fighting. But fight you must, for your children.

Thus is the life of a solo parent. You carry the weight of the world and that is yours alone to bear.

Music therapy

I never thought I would be singing a Selena Gomez song. But I did. And it’s therapeutic. The lyrics are like a lightning bolt to the heart.

And I swear, I will never cry over you again.

In the end…

As Linkin Park said:

I tried so hard and got so far

But in the end it doesn’t even matter

I had to fall to lose it all

But in the end it doesn’t even matter

I won’t quit, not just yet. Because you know why? I’m a great loss and I’m a threat. I will bid my time. The ball is in my hand. I’ll know when it is time.

Just like in other aspects of my life, they will only see my value after I’m gone.

And I’m having the last laugh. Good riddance.

No more feeling sorry for myself. No one can shortchange me again. I have everything; they’ve got nothing. Because I am me and they cannot replicate me.

You’ll see.

Quit

I just want to quit. Quit this company. All I can say is you cannot make yourself small for somebody who refuses to grow up.

As I told a friend, I just do my job, keep my head low, get my salary, then jump when the opportunity comes.

I’ve been looking at openings but so far none stirred excitement inside me. I mean, none tugged at my insides yet.


Pita bread and curry. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Beef strips with enoki mushrooms that I made myself. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Since we’re stuck indoors again, I have been trying to cheer ourselves by cooking yummy food (and yes I am forcing my girls to eat Indian food). I no longer know how to make things better for the four of us (the other househelp already went home to her hometown and got married the other day) because…we are all tired of all of these.

I have already asked for a leave of absence for a few days this month before they announced the lockdown. I was initially planning to go to my hometown for a mini-break (bike to nearby towns and just chill) but I guess that won’t be happening anytime soon. So I will be stuck with nothing else to do.

I don’t want to live inside my head again.

Kapit/Hold

When melancholy hits, it hits hard. It’s just one of those days. Monday blues.

This song has been with me for 7.5 months now.

The beauty of the lyrics in Filipino is lost when I translated into English (the best I could manage)

Hold

In the darkness of the night
I have been searching for the meaning
of the times that have just passed
without any warning, I was just left behind

Eyes that used to twinkle
Are now swollen, used to tears
Is life on earth
supposed be like this?

That’s why
I will tighten my hold on the hands of time
So that it won’t just pass by
I wish I had savored every moment
of when we were younger

It has been days
the rain would not just let up
Couldn’t fathom
if I could get through this

From the mud I force myself
to pick up one by one pieces of my dreams
that shattered like glass at my feet
Does the rainbow really appear?

That’s why
I will tighten my embrace
For I know this will not last;
I wish you will remember me this way

I will tighten my hold on the hands of time
So that I will not get left behind
I only want to take a peek into the past

I will tighten my hold on God
It’s already getting brighter
For dawn is coming
This trial will soon be over

Kapit

Sa gabing kay dilim
Hinahanap ko ang kahulugan ng mga
Panahong lumipas lang
Nang walang pasintabi, ako ay iniwan

Mga matang noon ay
May kislap pa ngayon ay
Mugtong-mugto sanay sa luha
Sadyang ganito nga ba ang
Mabuhay dito sa lupa

Kaya’t
Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa mga kamay ng oras
Nang ‘di ‘to lumipas lang
Sana ay aking sinulit ang panahon na
tayo’y mga bata pa

Ilang araw na rin
Na tuloy-tuloy lang ang ulan
Hindi mawari kung ito ba’y malalagpasan

Pilit sa putik aking pupulutin nang isa-isa
Mga pangarap kong nabasag tila bubog sa paa
Ang bahaghari ba’y nagpapakita lang pagka

Kaya’t
Hihigpitan ko ang yakap sayo’t
Alam ko na hindi ‘to magtatagal
Sana ako’y maalala mo ng ganito

Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa mga kamay ng oras
Nang ‘di na maiwan pa
Nais ko lamang masilip ang nakaraan

Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa Diyos
Maliwanag na rin
Ito na’t parating

Matatapos ang lahat ng pagsubok na ‘to

The week that was

Too many things happened the past week that I wasn’t able to write my thoughts about Hidilyn Diaz and Margielyn Didal making waves a the Tokyo 2020 Olympics.

Margielyn Didal of the Philippines in action at Tokyo Olympics 2020’s women street skateboarding finals at the Ariake Urban Sports Park, Tokyo, Japan on July 26, 2021. (Reuters/Toby Melville)

Margielyn was just a beautiful ray of sunshine in this dark, dark world. The Brazilians love her (and I’ve been seeing their tweets). She was just happy to be there competing and being friends with her competitors.

Meanwhile, that day was one of those days you just want to shut down and ignore the State of the Nation Address of Duterte. He was rambling for three hours, being his usual incoherent, unintelligible self. He even would not exert effort to read his prepared speech well. Then he would segue into one of his stream of consciousness that don’t make sense. When I caught him on TV (a rare moment that I watched TV, by accident), he was invoking China several times that I had hurled a string of invectives at the screen.

The irony later that day was that a woman–which Duterte looks lowly upon–earned the first gold medal for this country in a sport that as seen as masculine. And crushed China. How poetic.

This administration even demonized her when she asked on social media for private sector sponsorship for her bid in the Olympics because government support was not there. Then the DDS crucified her: how dare she challenge the government, the oh so benevolent Duterte! Then she was included by then-Presidential Spokesperson Panelo in the fictional matrix of destabilizers. Which the DDS trolls magnified and made Hidilyn fear for her life.

It gave me goosebumps. Kudos to you, Sgt. Diaz.


I had stayed with my cousin for three days and made sure her mom is stable before I went back home to attend to my household and work. My other cousin (the older one) finally arrived and they were able to make more arrangements in case my aunt turns for the worse. They were able to arrange for a priest administer the Anointment of the Sick (last rites) via video call (IATF protocol says no personal visits yet allowed? Or is this a parish decree? I don’t know) and funeral arrangement when the time comes.

Unfortunately, we will be going on a hard lockdown again a.k.a. enhanced community quarantine (ECQ) on August 6-20 so I don’t know how I would be able to go to my aunt when she…I was already assigned by my family as the first responder.

Speaking of lockdown, I did a lot of errands yesterday and today before everything shuts down. I contacted a plumber who charged me PHP 4,000 for changing faucets. And I had to redo all his work today because he did a bad job.

But it was a learning experience for me. I finally was able to do simple plumbing work like changing faucets.

Now that I know how to apply grout, I can chip away that dingy grout and apply a fresh one. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I had to change this as well because the whole pipe assembly leading to the shower was leaking. The reason why water is not bursting outside the walls is because the broken joint or whatever was being held together by cement. But it’s just as matter of time eventually the thing will give way and I would have a huge problem. We changed the original separate faucet and shower setup to a dual faucet shower installation so we don’t have to open up the concrete walls to install new pipes. This is cheaper and easier.

Unfortunately, the one we installed yesterday was a lemon despite the its hefty price tag. I had it exchanged for a better one and installed this one myself.

I changed faucets! Achievement unlocked.

The rains won’t stop. No chance to ride the bike before ECQ. *Sigh*. So I need to buy that can of paint so I can finally refresh my closets and doors’ paint because Kimchi loooooooooved scratching that corner of my closet. I need to find something to do indoors. The rains would not stop. Soon the strong typhoons would come after August or September.

Looks like a typhoon forming northeast that sucks the southwest monsoon. The dark rain clouds over Luzon have dissipated a bit though.