Another office

Going out here allowed me to write a story in 30 mins. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Being cooped up in my small room for days on end really does something to my psyche and productivity. I keep on working there because I’m spoiled by the dual monitors and I find it hard to edit stories without them. But once I got out of my room and transferred here, I was able to write a short article for 30 minutes. Wow!

I should try to write in the grassy field in the campus one of these days—if the weather permits.

Seeing the sky like this while I work is uplifting. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I figured that I need to get out everyday to drive away the cobwebs in my head. This week I produced four stories, which is unusual, given my normal workload. I think the difference now is that I have the ability to be out in nature within minutes compared to when we were still in QC—which helps during productivity slumps.

I just realized that my existence in QC was poor given that I had no choice but to be locked up in that apartment because the environment outside was hostile. Cars, in utile sidewalks—if there are—and the unbearable heat makes one think twice about going out. It’s the perfect stage for one to be clinically depressed when she is dealing with post-breakup trauma while on a lockdown because access to nature was difficult. I tried my best though. I had my bike and my car so I can go to UP Diliman but it’s too much of an effort.

Meanwhile here, I have no excuse not to go out because it’s just right at my doorstep. Literally. And also going out into the wide open spaces only takes me five minutes or less, depending on my stride. Going to church only takes 10 minutes on foot. Same for the mom-and-pop shops. Starbucks is also 10 mins on foot.

Speaking of bikes, I should have our bikes fixed so we can bike for errands instead of bringing that car when parking is a huge problem here. Everyone has huge-ass SUVs but this old town is like Europe, the roads are made for calesas (horse-drawn carriages) and the local government can no longer widen the municipal roads because of the generations of families that have built structures along the roads. Moreover, there are no parking areas near commercial establishments. That’s why in high school, some classmates drove scooters instead of cars when going to school.

As for exercise, I can no longer take up running (I think I have forever busted my left knee, from an old football injury 23-25 years ago). I think that leaves me swimming as good cardio workout. I just learned from my sister that the university pool is open to alumni who want to use it everyday. I can add swimming to my weekly exercise regimen, if I find the time.

I must bring my cats for exercise. Right now they’re like this:

Kimchi looking like a cat with a bad hangover. Photo by Twin A.

I hope to wake up early tomorrow morning and see if I can swim at the university pool.


This is what the CEOs had been warning us about the past few months—2Q23 GDP was the slowest in 12 years due to inflation and rising interest rates that dampened consumer spending. The Philippine economy is 70% dependent on domestic spending and if that is hurting, the whole economy is running into trouble. One company chairman told me any strategic moves would have to be suspended because consumer companies are slapped with lower household spending, even on food. Monde Nissin, which has cornered 98% of the instant noodle market in the Philippines, took a big hit as its net income dipped 18% YoY. And to think Lucky Me is the de facto staple outside of rice in this country. This meant that Filipinos have tightened their belts even on staples. We ate less. Everything else followed.

The coming quarters would be difficult for us if the government would not be able to address the structural reforms needed to bring down the cost of food and other goods. Monetary policy can only do so much. Petroleum products are rising again and diesel has climbed by PHP 4 a liter just this week. Last week was PHP 3.50 per liter. As a net importer of oil, this meant that our transportation—the jeepneys and buses—would have to hike fares again while our electricity costs would again climb.

The economy is taking a lot of beating. I wonder how the rest of the country can hold on.

Signals

My body was full of knotted muscles so I had booked a two-hour Zennya massage last night. At the end of the session I was already snoring so I just went straight to bed and forgot about everything else.

Today, I was bombarded with edits (which was fine) and hiring chores/issues (which was not fine) that I had suffered through diarrhea the entire day due to too much stomach acids. I think I had been going to the bathroom 10x already. It seems like my proton pump inhibitor (esomeprazole) is not doing its job. If by next week I’ll still be like this (geez I’m in Singapore 🤦‍♀️), then it seems like I need to have that endoscopy to see whether I already have peptic ulcers.

I think I need to decompress for a bit.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Let’s see what I can come up with later.


This is why I bought a heat gun from Lazada last night. A small desk fan cannot dry washes in an instant. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Yes, I repeated an old image. Art and photo by CallMeCreation,com

I redid this Binangonan sunset that I drew last year. This time, I did not resort to using fine liners to define plants and I am now more light-handed when it comes to sky colors compared to the first drawing. This paper is still very wet so I will just revisit this tomorrow when it’s completely dry.

Why did I do this?

Nothing. Just to track my progress when it comes to technique i.e. showing the opacity and how to do reflections on water. The first time I did this, Laguna Lake didn’t look like a lake at all; it was just a muddy valley. Now at least there’s a semblance of water reflecting the sky. I also mixed cadmium yellow + cobalt violet and cadmium orange + cobalt violet to produce different browns for the lake shore that would go with sunset and the lake. For the other part of the lake, it was a mixture of imperial violet + blue gray deep of varying degrees. Using the pre-mixed browns and grays made my first drawing muddy and it lacked opacity that is needed when sunlight changes every second. Watching other artists on Instagram is helping me to rely less on pre-mixed colors and create my own.

This is still ugly in my eyes so I need to continue improving this. Probably next year.

Psychosomatic

It turns out nothing is wrong with me. My bad cholesterol, uric acid, and triglycerides are back to normal from their stratospheric heights in 2021 while my blood sugar (both FBS and hba1c) remains normal. My major organs are fine (unremarkable, the interpretations said). So what’s the deal with my stomach pain that knocked the wind out of me?

It’s stomach acids, not the pancreas, my attending physician said. If I respond to the drug he gave me, then it’s acids. If I don’t, then it’s likely ulcer and I need an endoscopy to ascertain it. But my GI specialist isn’t that perturbed because there is no bleeding or signs that I am at that point. He just gave me an order for the pancreas scan if I wanted to but he says it’s not needed unless I get another similar attack. I will have that scan because stomach acids cannot explain the pain that radiated to my back.

Shit! It’s really stress. It’s eating me alive.

I am really, really done for.

And you know what’s the tragic thing here? They don’t f*cking care if you die. You’re just another tool. Another cog. You are replaceable.

Just like our in-house legal counsel. He had cancer and he worked himself to death. He loved his job because he was a journalist first and then a lawyer second. He bit the bullet for us whenever we had lawsuits. And now, he is forgotten. The new management didn’t even get to know him.


I checked my house first before going to the hospital this afternoon.

This staircase will be torn down soon. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Digging deep for the expanded base for my new industrial strength staircase. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The outside night light. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I can finally close my bathroom door as my granite countertop has been trimmed. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Finally, a proper window. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The shelves on the tapered side of the counter. For toiletries maybe? Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Cabinet for toilet paper and cleaning supplies. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Bookshelves/lookout platform for my cats. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I strolled a bit to go to the jeepney stop because it’s better to take public transport than bring my car. I don’t want to fight for parking space at the hospital. The campus is teeming with students again after almost 3 years. The first semester was hybrid so it was still like a ghost town here from August to December.

The students are back for the second semester. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I decided to go back to QC early (3 pm) since traffic was light and took the mountain bypass road that I had grown to love through the years.

Faculty housing on my right. My bro didn’t move from their apartment to a three-bedroom housing unit because he didn’t want to maintain a lawn. His own townhouse now doesn’t have any lawn or garden at all. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Driving through a secondary forest. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Maybe moving back here is the right choice. My stress is not as pronounced compared to when I’m back at my apartment in QC. Maybe because I’m cooped up in there. Maybe because I’ve always been a provinciana that the knots in my whole body uncoil when I see trees.

Again, I was barely productive

To help me to get through the day.

Nah. This is just a fancy type of red grape juice from Spain. If I let it ferment in my fridge for a couple of years, I think it will become red wine. Until I get cleared by my GI specialist whom I would see on Thursday, I won’t drink any form of alcohol. But playing pretend helped me to get through today.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I know it’s bad to have meals in front of the computer but here I am, violating that rule.

Cold soba with tsuyu (from my Mitsukoshi stash) and kimchi for a vegetarian dinner. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I really needed a lot of help to get me focused on the task at hand today. It’s like pulling a tooth. At least I was able to push out another story today, co-written by two other colleagues. All I did today is 1) beg for the son/child of owner (COO) of a Southeast Asia conglomerate to grant me an interview but he demanded an F2F one so I need to fly to Singapore for that; 2) interview a candidate and administer tests to other candidates; 3) respond to a thousand emails. But I never got around to finishing that story today when I should have.

I am paralyzed. I can’t write anymore.

It was just like in 2014 when I quit my local news job and in 2021 when I was swimming in the depths of my depression.

I remember my therapist telling me it’s anxiety that kills my creativity so I keep pushing away tasks and procrastinate so much that I end up with too many backlogs. It’s anxiety that is keeping me from doing the very basic of things that used to be second nature to me.

I just had a chat with another bureau chief from another region and he is in the same boat: this hiring and staff shortage are killing us. It’s not our jobs to be HR managers. He was told to poach from other departments because we are freeze-hiring. And he tried some analysts for the journo gig but in the end, one analyst/journo candidate cried when he submitted his writing test. It turns out he can’t write. My colleague/fellow bureau chief said it was easier for him to rewrite the whole thing instead of editing it. It was that bad.

We are already too stretched. When I told him, “I said there’s no way I can hire the “quality” candidates they’re looking for,” he told me he almost burst out laughing in the coffee shop where he was working. Because the top people think we’re in the same league as the big media companies that candidates would make a beeline for us. Or that we can poach from them and the candidates would just come running to us and jump ship.

They’re so delusional.

It’s so taxing. I’m tired. He’s tired. All of us are.

We have lost many headcount and yet we are pressured to keep productivity and engagement at the same level. This is ridiculous.

Oh God, please me help write tomorrow. I can’t go on like this–the fight, flight, or freeze response to stress.


And then there are the nasty people who feel so entitled that they think it is imperative that we make a story about them or their company. They pester us for coverage when there are more important things to cover/more interesting things to feature/write about. Then when we can’t give them the immediate response, they turn nasty. HEY, WE DO NOT OWE YOU ANYTHING! If we do not return your correspondence in two months, that means your story is not compelling. Don’t harass us or throw us some attitude.

I remember a friend telling me about the same situation with a guy who pestered them for coverage for months. She granted that interview to shut him up after he showed an attitude. She told me no more interviews/favors to that person from now on.

X-mark, she said.

Some people can be so…

Hello! We’re not a free billboard for ads.


It’s only Tuesday but it feels like it has already been an eternity.

I could not pick up a pencil to draw. I’m drained emotionally. There’s just too much anger towards management. I just hope we can get through this desert. This is already too frustrating. We love what we do but this is just getting more ridiculous.

To relax myself. A Sting concert before I go to sleep. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Mental health break

I just finished some spillover work this morning and didn’t bother to help with the edits today. I NEED TO DISENGAGE.

So that’s what I did. By 2 pm after my girls have finished washing the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, we drove south to my hometown to catch the annual February Fair.

But we first checked my tiny house.

My bathroom pendant lights are finally working. I finally have electricity. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The corner of the granite countertop for my lavatory needs trimming or else I won’t be able to close the bathroom door. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Built-in shelves for the girls’ room. Their loft beds will be delivered next week. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Wall fan and curtain rods installed. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My walk-out closet. I have a bit of space above the closet for my luggage. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Kitchen almost done, with the powerful Rinnai rangehood already installed. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Dining area pendant lights look cute. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Another angle. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Double kitchen sink finally done. All I need is to be connected to the mains to have water.

Tomorrow I’ll take pics of the outside.

After our house tour, we walked to the fair grounds since it’s so near and it’s more of a hassle to bring the car.

Short cut to the park/fair grounds. We used to call this The Dirt Road but it’s no longer a dirt road since it’s already a fully concrete road now. I used this road a lot to run to my 7 am comm and humanities classes. And computer science class. Why did I even have 7 am classes? 🤦‍♀️ Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Walk, walk, walk… Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Early evening at the park. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Inside the fair grounds. Of course, anime. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Cosplayers, to the delight of my girls. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
At the concert grounds. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Live music. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My girls are enjoying their first open air concert. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Tomorrow I have to wake up early to queue at my gynecologist’s clinic: Mammogram, pap smear, order for executive check up and referral to a gastroenterologist. AND I might as well go all the way, have my osteoma checked by another specialist and schedule for removal.

Today, I lost my shit

Dear Boss,

I would like to let you know that I am reaching a breaking point in my mental health and well-being. I have suffered from pancreatitis the other night at 2 am, vomiting my way out of the pain. This is only one of the physical manifestations of the anxiety and stress that I am experiencing.

I hope people recognize that Southeast Asia is a difficult bureau to manage with 6 active/big markets and several languages that I need to be on top of. I manage different people whom I do not see (except for Kr) and do my best to keep them engaged and keep productivity up despite some of them not having any raises or promotion since joining. This aside from other admin tasks that crop up from time to time.

I am also trying to keep my personal KPIs intact and keep my editing duties as we all are understaffed. On top of this, I am trying to fill the gaps in the coverage especially with Singapore being out of action since December-January and Thailand since 2020. And yet I get hammered for doing my job, like last week when I pushed out that xx story. I did my best, but I still get the blame.

I have managed all these even when I was still deputy since most of the manager’s tasks were already put on my shoulders ever since I assumed that role in 2018.

However, this hiring is already eating into the little breathing room I have. It’s ok to manage the correspondences, tests, and interviews of candidates since I am the manager and I would be the best judge if I can work with this candidate or not. However, my poaching, the trawling on the profiles of “quality” candidates/with pedigree is not workable—it is the job of an HR talent acquisition team, as one HR head of an MNC told me. My role as a manager is to pick and approve which candidate will proceed for testing and interview and the HR talent acquisition team’s role is to acquire the candidates for screening. I do not understand why our HR cannot assist me in this regard since generally HR talent acquisition teams should treat hiring departments (in our case, editorial) as their clients—it is their main job. If they consider Singapore a very important office and that they want top-notch hires, maybe they could lend me some assistance in this regard because I cannot do it alone.

There should be a compromise somewhere here because I cannot spend my evenings doing the candidate search when I am a solo parent and the sole income earner with no child support, who also needs to attend to the needs of my children. We were sick the last two weeks and I couldn’t even bring my children immediately to the doctor to see if they contracted pneumonia or even bring myself to the hospital for my pancreatitis because hospitalization means there would be nobody to manage the team, the edits, and everything else.

I would like to take a sick leave tomorrow just to sort out myself physically first.

Thank you.

CallMeCreation.com

I conducted my interview this afternoon with Kimchi on my desk. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My cats knew something was wrong with me so they kept close.

I finally figured out what was wrong. It’s not the pay, it’s not the changes, it’s not the small irritants that are driving me up the wall. It’s the overwhelming work that I shouldn’t be doing that is driving me insane. The pressure from the top had me paralyzed. I couldn’t perform a simple task like writing in the past few weeks. I am overwhelmed.

On Wed early morning, about 2 am, I woke up with this terrible pain in my upper middle abdomen. The pain was excruciating that I couldn’t breathe. It was radiating to my back. It was the same kind of pain that I felt when my gall bladder was about to get infected due to stones. I remember in 2014 I was having oily diarrhea and vomiting so that same week I had surgery to have my gall bladder removed. The attack was similar to what I felt early Wednesday. But the thing here is, I no longer have any gall bladder. It seems like it’s my pancreas and my symptoms matched with that of acute pancreatitis. I was afraid I was having a heart attack because my dad’s symptoms were the same when he had his major heart attack before I rushed him to the hospital back in 2000.

I wasn’t wearing my smart watch so I couldn’t monitor my heartbeats. I knew it was out of whack and my sweat was cold. I was drenched. The pain lasted for an hour until I vomited bile or something.

Only after that did I feel some relief from pain.

I didn’t know how I would bring myself to the hospital. I thought I was going to die.

Now looking back, this was the same thing that happened to me months before I quit my job with the local media. I tendered my resignation a month after the gall bladder surgery.

Now I realize it’s all stress. It was stress that pushed me out of that job, I guess it’s stress again that will push me out of this job again, if management will not listen to me.

I’m trying to save whatever goodwill I have left for this company and for my colleagues.

But if I can’t beat the system, then probably it’s time for me to go. I did warn them.