A LOVE LETTER TO MYSELF

(I posted this on Facebook to console myself and friends who are weeping and asking me to have a drink with them. I am on everyone’s speed dial when they needed somebody to drink with. So tomorrow night I may be breaking my sobriety.)

Had a conversation/chat this morning about the grand scheme of things and we touched on Vico. I’m not a Pasig voter and I left Pasig after Ondoy. Many people are cancelling Vico Sotto for staying silent about Leni and all that. I think Leni knows where Vico stands. They even had a photo together when they met. She understands that Vico needs to be pragmatic. Vico’s concern is to clean the system first. It’s hard to work with a rotten system that’s why his first steps are: 1) remove all Eusebio’s henchmen in Pasig City Hall and make his slate of councilors win; 2) then once they’re singing one tune, they can clean from inside out.

Because change doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t start with one person. You attack the system. You clean the system, starting from the inside. This was demonstrated in the movie and real-life situation shown in the movie Spotlight. Marty Baron said, “You don’t start with individuals, you go after the system.” It’s long and arduous. But think about it, the rotten system we had been working with has been there for decades. It’s hard to break. But you know it’s the system that you have to break first.

If you want change, start with where you are. Small wins. Now I understand why Leni didn’t win. Based on the posts of Joey Salceda, Leni knows but it was worth a shot. That’s why she’s calm, Her face is open and bright. She didn’t concede first for us because we’re still hurting.

Just the same she didn’t use the pandemic to campaign and make herself look strong; she just quietly did her job. Many people said that’s one of Leni’s big faults; but she was being pragmatic. The country needed a functioning VP, not as President candidate, at that time. You see if she used the pandemic to make herself more prominent, no one would donate to the OVP since they would think she is just politicking. Bayanihan Konsulta was a success because people believed it wasn’t politics, just pure service.

We cannot fault Leni or the people behind the campaign for this loss. The Marcoses had been planning this for decades. Since 1992 when FVR allowed them to come back. FVR is a cousin of the Marcoses. We just started 5 months ago.

I believe in what Bishop Rey, Diocese of Imus said that God “sent Leni to make us realize that there is innate goodness in the Filipino…that God never meant for Leni to win. Her mission was to waken us up.”

nature love flowers plant
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

God let the Romans invade Europe. You know why? He used a sinful Paul, a Roman, to be his instrument. So that Christianity can spread. And that’s what the Romans did. The Romans pillaged countries. They were “bad”. But that’s how God used the Romans to spread Christianity. He used Paul, who writes well and used Latin, the lingua franca of that time.

I think that’s how I’m looking at this tragedy. It’s hard to accept but if we work according to God’s timing, we will be better in the end.

The Philippines has to be brought down to its knees before it can build a truly clean and functional system and how we behave and how we treat our brethren while the country falls–that’s the challenge for us. That’s why the Rosas movement was formed to show us we can do so much in such as short time. What more if we have thought this through and planned it well—that we can be decent to one another and we can feed those who do not have anything at all.

Just think about it, no one went hungry in those Leni rallies. If we put that into a bigger movement, no one in the Philippines will go hungry while Marcos destroys the country. The enemy is dirty. Demon moves. If not Leni, there would be somebody else who can ride and play this game with the demons. Leni has showed us what we can do. Trust in God’s provident hands, all in His own timing.

I never thought I would see Makati filled with a million people with one color. I thought it will only be in 1983 and 1986—but in 5 months we were able to mobilize people. Singing one song. It’s like a miracle in this darkness, right? It doesn’t have to end with Leni. What we should do now is mobilize above-ground and underground movement—may above-ground ops, and black ops. It’s painful to say but this is the only way because these people don’t play fair. Just look at how they hijacked the elections. The odds were stacked against us.

Why did this happen? Maybe to give us food for thought? I don’t know. I’m still processing this. It’s like stream of consciousness.

Now people are thinking why did Edsa1986 fail? Just like what my mother said yesterday, we became complacent. We thought that’s the end all, and be all. No, it’s not. Freedom and democracy–it is an ongoing fight, you don’t keep your guard down.

We need to go through this so we can learn that change doesn’t start in the middle, but we include those who are in the fringes of the society. The work for change should be at the bottom and at the top and meet in the middle. To help and be with those who are in the fringes. Pedagogy of the Oppressed. It should not be “let me educate you.” But instead, let’s educate ourselves about the plight of those who were misinformed, who believed lies because they no longer had anything to believe in.

Grassroots movement, that’s where Leni and Chel Diokno came from. As long as all of us are not moving to help those who are in the bottom of the pyramid, we will always be like this. This is why Leni campaigned so hard in the provinces. It’s not only because she needs to win but to tell the people, hey we have not forgotten you.

She may not have won but at least she gave hope to those people that there is someone who will listen to them.

Now the challenge to me now is: am I listening to those at the bottom of the pyramid or my line is “let me educate you”?

PS. I wrote this so I can process things that I did not initially understand, not because I want to lecture people. I needed to understand so I can plot my next steps because I’m just starting with the role in this long battle.

To fight another day

“Courage will now be your best defence against the storm that is at hand-—that and such hope as I bring.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
Gandalf

I had sent messages to older friends who were high ranking government officials, CEOs, and VPs who were imprisoned during martial law. I asked for forgiveness, said sorry and that I never thought I would see another Marcos presidency.

One of them said:

Hi CallMeCreation. Thank you for your touching note. Life is just the way it is. We fight a good fight, sometimes we lose and sometimes we win. The important thing is we don’t lose the will to fight. To fight for a better future. Am pretty sure those who stood with their conviction during Martial law understand that it will be a continuing advocacy for a better PH. Thanks again.”

The other one said: There’s nothing to forgive. We just need to continue to help our country.

My tears couldn’t stop flowing. This is the only election that I was emotionally invested in and the only one I truly cared about because it is pivotal. Now we are on our road to hell.


I just attended a briefing on private equity deals in Southeast Asia this morning. The speaker said (paraphrased):

The Philippines has never been the first port of call when it comes to private equity deals (compared to Singapore, Indonesia). As for the impact of the latest political developments on FDI, FFI…your guess is as good as mine.

This is as bad as it gets. The other webinar I attended this afternoon was about renewable energy in Southeast Asia and of course they had to discuss the Philippine market. The panelists had an embarrassed laugh of some sort and one of them said, “There’s a new president now but he’s not exactly new as they had been controlling the Philippines for years now…” and then they said they do not know in what direction the policies will go.

Well, because he doesn’t have any platform. He doesn’t have any plans. Nothing.

And today the Philippines received its first investment downgrade. It would soon be a series of downgrades.

Screenshot of the PSE today.

Even the Philippine Stock Exchange couldn’t handle the madness today. The market fell 3% at some point today and is now in bear territory (I think). The website crashed and for an hour it was like that.

My siblings (two economists) and I were chatting about the macroeconomic implications and my sister asked what is the possibility of us entering stagflation.

I said:

There are too many headwinds. The companies are holding out on expansion, no growth seen in the private sector. The companies we interviewed said there are new orders, no new product launches, only core products. They’re holding cash because that’s the one they will use to buy raw materials as it is risky to borrow for capex due to climbing interest rates. We are heading for stagflation. Liquidity is the best policy. This is why I’m not buying a new car and will just have the Crosswind have cosmetic repairs since it’s not the best time to have a mortgage. I don’t know how long the BSP can keep keep its monetary policy stance when the USTr is rising, the peso is weakening.

Good luck to Filipino consumers because of the high commodity prices in the world market…palm oil, grains…because of supply chain disruptions. Even if you keep importing rice to lower the cost to fulfill BBM’s campaign promise of PHP 20/kilo rice, you have to remember we’re not the world’s biggest importer of rice (ergo we cannot dictate the price)—it’s China and it’s hoarding supplies. The run up in palm oil prices is a result of the protectionist stance of Indonesia because they banned palm oil exports to keep local prices stable. All countries are being protectionist now due to supply issues.

Soon there will be capital flight.

This is scary. The vote for Leni is not just for ego and not just to fight Marcos’ evil reign. It is also the fight for investor confidence, better macroeconomic policies.

It’s just so sad that all the things I fought for all my life have come to naught. I taught high school students in Mindoro so they can enter UP, climbed mountains in Batangas to fight for farmers’ lands, climbed mountains for indigenous people so they can have a better shot in life… Cambridge Analytica, Facebook, and Tiktok took that all away.

It’s exhausting.

Many will lose their jobs, many will go hungry. But of course, they do not understand the implications of what they did. You tried to explain to them, but then they just have thrown dirt at your face and accuse you of elitism and “respect my opinion” shit.

Now they’re bringing you down with them.

It was a struggle editing today. I cried. I slept. Tried to finish tasks at hand. I need a mental health break (because you know, heartbreak is heartbreak) but I can’t because I’m a manager and I can’t just be a wuss.

I worked through my heartbreak for 15 months. How many heartbreaks can I take? How much more can I endure? How many dark tunnels must I walk through?

Whenever I get upset, I go back to my favorite books for comfort.

‘But in the end it’s only a passing thing, this shadow; even darkness must pass.’ – Samwise Gamgee

J.R.R. Tolkien
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

How?

This is like 18 Dec 2020 all over again.

How to go on? I can’t see clearly, it’s like walking through a very dark tunnel and no light at the end yet. It’s like there’s no end.

We are going to be Sri Lanka.

It’s really, really painful right now. I kept waking every hour. My head is splitting. I can’t work. I need to escape somewhere and collect myself.

My sister is leaving the country soon. The reality is I can’t. I need to be home to take care of my mom.

I can’t see my future. It’s very dark. My poor children. 😔

And I cry

We’ve done everything we could. It’s just that… There are too many people swayed by “fake news” and believe the lies.

My kids want to apply for passports now. Said we need to visit one target country.

My banker source said we need to stay. We fight.

Let me cry first tonight. This country is breaking my heart. Over and over and over. It’s hard to love you, Philippines. My heart is tired.

Why? Why do I keep fighting for you? Why do I keep holding on to something that is visibly not worth fighting for? Happened to me in 2019-2020, still happening now. Should I just let go? It seems like you don’t want to help yourself. You continue romancing the corrupt, inept, and evil beings and yet I continued to have faith that somehow you will see the light.

But no, it’s a lost cause. My children seem to have no future in you.

Love, thy will be done

A poem by Martika made into a song by Prince.

My anxiety and heartbreak over the mess that is today’s national elections is something I should manage by ignoring news altogether.

But the mess today (“dysfunctional” voting machines, manual counting, etc) opens doors for Marcos and Duterte to cheat. A lot of people have reported—nationwide—of the same things. Reports of vote-buying by their camp are also rampant.

Video of vote-buying in Iloilo posted on FB by a concerned netizen

I’m letting go of this anxiety and let God’s will be done.

Love thy will be done.

I cannot control such things happening right now. It is causing me so much sleepless nights the past few days. My country has given me so much heartbreak and is pushing me to seek my fortune elsewhere. But then my love for it is pulling me to stay. Who will be left to love and defend it?

Love thy will be done.

It’s no longer in my hands. It’s His now.

City biking

Biking in BGC. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Twin I and I changed location today and we tried biking in a busier area than we are used to because I want to teach her again how to bike with more cars and stop lights around.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I was teaching her how to cross intersections. She has more confidence now in biking alongside cars compared to the first time I brought here to bike.

Water break near Philippine Stock Exchange. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Since Twin I is braver now, we crossed 5th Avenue to reach McKinley Road and went to McKinley West for steeper inclines and car-free roads. Then we went back to Lawton Avenue to go back to BGC.

Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf at Bonifacio High Street. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

We took a break and I had cold coffee with a cookie while Twin I had a vanilla drink and cupcake. The sun was already setting so we decided to go back to our parking area.

But we couldn’t locate our parking area.

It took us a while so we had more exercise than we had bargained for. 😂 Burned all the calories we gained at Coffee Bean.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This is the painful part. I had to fold up the bikes again and load them back into the Crosswind. Good thing I am no helpless woman as I can carry a bike by myself.

I need more practice again as I got tired easily. Prior to yesterday, the last time I attempted to bike was in November last year when I tried to check if I can expend energy that much after Covid. And wow, it took me six months to get back on track. I gained a lot of weight in between those months.

I need to buy my girls new helmets because they have already outgrown the ones they have now. Just like their swimsuits.

Tomorrow I need to have Twin A’s gear shifter fixed/change cables before we can bike again inside UP for our daily exercise. I need to lose all the weight I gained post-Covid so my breathing will be better and I can resume my freediving practice. I plan to bring my sister-in-law and nephews to Anilao before my girls start their entrance exam reviews. The rainy season is slowly creeping in.

Here’s to a fitter 2022!

Ugh! Tomorrow I’m supposed to be on holiday because of the elections but I cannot just sit back or else I will spend the day as a nervous wreck (and all of the people I’ve talked to who are voting for Leni are also tensed and anxious). I think I need to work to keep my mind off the elections.

God help us.