Category Archives: mental health

Neko x gato x cat x pusa

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Kimchi. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Sometimes I often find myself wishing to be just a cat that can stretch out and not give a flying fuck about what is happening to the world. Like today. My mistake was I opened my Twitter and doom-scrolled. And found that there were two things that made me question if there is really intelligent life on earth.

So one lawyer got tired of all Marcos supporters harassing all opposition people so he wrote the central bank about the “legendary” Tallano Gold that they claimed made the Marcoses rich (and not from stealing from national coffers, which the whole world knows about). So he got a proper document disproving it. To shut up Marcos supporters and tell them no, Jr will not distribute the gold, and no, he will not “save” the Philippines using the legendary Tallano gold.

The signature of the general counsel was redacted for his protection, the letter/email sender said.

I told my friend who heads one of the units in the communications arm at BSP about this. She then forwarded this to their lawyers so that they can come up with a public/press release addressing this. Some banking reporters are already inquiring about this as well.

The idiocy is never-ending.

I don’t want to dignify the other heart-attack-inducing malicious thing involving a Cebu Pacific pilot, who is spreading lies, so I’m not recording it here. Even if Cebu Pacific already issued a statement regarding this, that pilot is not stopping. I sent screencaps and time stamps of his stupid comments (and is not remorseful of his lies) to the crisis PR head of the airline. A privacy lawyer already said that he is liable for his statements, aside from being libelous, it violates aviation protocols/privacy laws.

I should totally withdraw from from social media—but I catch my fast international markets news on Twitter. So how now? 🙄

A high school classmate who runs a travel company offered to shelter me if I find things unbearable. She sent me this photo of one of her tours. She said I can stay in one island in El Nido for a day and hop to the next islands in the next few days. Sounds like heaven.

El Nido, Palawan. My classmate’s photo.

I told her I will take that offer when the time comes. It’s just the timing is all wrong. So many things happening at work this time. I had to reject an application for a reporter position in Singapore because he/she is abroad and getting employment passes in Singapore is difficult at this time (or forever). So I need to have coffee dates with prospects so I can poach them. Annoying. My request for travel next month is not yet approved by HQ. I need to book my accommodation and flights now. I hate this system that my company imposed now, which makes things a lot slower. Before, the buck stops in HK so approvals are easier.

I just want to curl up and be a cat.

Later I will tackle this if I’m in the mood.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

Can’t sleep.

I don’t know why. I thought I have already gone back to Philippine Standard Time after our Anilao trip. I even slept before 11 pm last night after I had a 1.5-hr deep tissue massage. Now I’m back to my former sleepless state.

It’s almost 4 am. I’m still alive. I’m so dead.

This

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A video shot by my sister-in-law who watched the UP vs Ateneo game live

We all had a very bad week (and bad next six years or so). But at least the UP Men’s Basketball Team gave us something to be happy about last night.

First championship since 1986.

And in 1986 a woman led the people to oust a Marcos. You know, hope springs eternal. I have a feeling Junior will not finish his term.

I’ve been supporting the UP Men’s for decades as a former Maroons player myself (football) with an ex-bf who was also a UP basketball player. My sister was also a Maroons, playing volleyball in the WNCAA. I know the struggles of UP athletes—underfunded but full of fighting spirit. And to win the basketball championship—the most watched and anticipated UAAP event—after 36 years of struggling is super sweet.

My friends and I had dinner and drinks in Makati last night. Three of us are international news wire editors and one is a former reporter who is now a mid-level government official. We all covered the Treasury at the same time so we had this deep bond that spanned more than 15 years. What was supposed to be an election crying session turned into a laugh trip dinner and drinks. We hardly talked about the election and we just picked up where we left off when we had our last get-together dinner in March last year.

Since K had his appendix taken out a few months ago, he told us about his experience and the lingering horrific pain of having a catheter pulled out. 🤣 We three women agreed that catheter pain is what we remembered most during our own surgeries. Catheter > epidural needle. 🤣 I told them that pain relievers don’t work on me and I have a weird relationship with anesthesia. My dentist is forever frustrated with that. Even my anesthesiologist was surprised and alarmed when I was awake, talking, and still felt “something” during my gall bladder operation. I clearly remember asking her, “Why am I still alive?” when I wanted to ask why I was still awake 🤣 she hiked my anesthesia to put me back to sleep. When I woke up from surgery, I was on a higher dosage morphine drip.

Our conversations have changed from year to year and now we’re talking about hospitalizations and health. Gee, we’re old 😂

K asked me how I was since my anxiety attack in Feb. I said I’m already fine and that recognizing and accepting that J was just truly evil that’s why I went through all that shit is part of my healing process. And art therapy. I may not yet be healed but I’m much better—to the extent I had been off alprazolam for more than a month.

We were like Cinderella and had to break up the party at 12 midnight. Three of us are moms while K has a strict sleep and gym schedule.

These friends keep me sane ❤️

TGIF! Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Be kind

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https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc_4WZ7AQDu/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

I thought I was fine, I thought it’s over. But I had a dream that rattled me for a day, but I quickly bounced back. It’s probably an indication that I’m still healing and sometimes I would still stumble and fall.

But it’s ok. I have to be nicer to myself. This is not a race.

I will be me again, probably better as I have more understanding of myself and the world compared to four years ago. I’m in a better place now.

Back to civilization

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Edsa is such a nutcase even on Sundays. Road repairs were left unfinished, causing major roadblocks that choked Edsa near Ortigas area. Now I remember why I don’t want to go back.

But I want to sleep in my own bed. *Sigh* Hopefully next year I don’t have to confront Edsa daily.

We should have been at home by 1:09 pm but I decided to drop by SM Makati to grab stuff that would keep the girls occupied now that their classes are over. They have their birthday money to use for whatever so they were free to buy even useless things.

Then we decided to eat out and not bother cooking at home. After four days of resort food, we had some comfort food.

Gyoza. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Salmon roll. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Demolished. She’s so proud of herself. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Her comfort food. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’ve been trying to book Zennya massage 💆 but couldn’t find any available therapist. I think I may have to walk to the nearby spa to have my diving-induced body aches attended to. I’m too tired to bother now. Tomorrow I will be so busy (I have to drive all the way to Conrad Hotel) to attend a stockholders meeting and press conference. No time for massage. 😔

I had my consultation with my shrink yesterday (via Google Meet) and she said I’m making good progress now that I can handle myself without alprazolam. The stress and anger I had when I discovered the unfair treatment at work didn’t cause me the same level of anxiety as much as J did, so I didn’t have to take alprazolam. I’ve been handling work-related stress and anger for 22 years so in the grand scheme of things it has been inconsequential compared to the triggering effect J has on me.

Because of my progress, my shrink said we would only meet every other month. Great! My shrink was happy that I was finally happy. When we were talking, she saw I was dripping wet as I just came onshore from my dive that afternoon. She said it was good that I am finally doing things that I loved to do and was no longer living inside my head. I was no longer stuck. She said I have already entered the stabilization phase.

I hope there would be no more triggers. But just in case my shrink said if something happens like in February, I shouldn’t wait two months before I talk to her—I need to schedule a session with her, ASAP.

As the ball-less misogynists lick their wounds…

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…a gentleman calls out these dickheads.

I really, really wanted to do house to house campaigning but my number one duty as a Filipino is to abide by journalism ethics. I have to restrain myself like the rest of my colleagues. We can express our political leanings but we cannot actively campaign for any personality as part of our sworn duty to be fair and just.

Speaking of journalists and elections, I just attended this webinar by Twitter for us journalists and the measures they put it place to prevent manipulation of the political discourse by preventing trolls/certain political candidates with well oiled machinery to manipulate public opinion (hello, Facebook!). Since this is a private webinar, I cannot disclose the things they have shared with us except for those they have already shared with the public such as 300 Marcos-related accounts (i.e. troll farms) taken down. This active policing of tweets has incensed Elon Musk so much that he is busy with his hostile takeover bid for Twitter. He is angry that Twitter is muzzling freedom of speech. Well Elon, if you go by Facebook, which has destroyed the Philippines, then I wish you just go to Mars and stay there. Don’t be an instrument in destroying democracies like ours.

Mr Musk has said he believes Twitter is limiting freedom of speech on the platform and he reiterated this at the Vancouver event. He has said his primary motivation would be to expand free speech – a US Constitutional right – on Twitter.

BBC.com

Was busy today with admin work that I barely had time time to edit and no time for writing three stories that I must finish until Wednesday. Because on Thursday, we will be leaving here at 5 am so that we would be in Anilao at around 7:30 am so we can dive early!!! Then work I start working at 10 am.

My head is pounding now, damn this headache. My psychiatrist’s secretary has not yet confirmed my schedule. I think this is a withdrawal symptom from stopping alprazolam ahead of schedule. I keep forgetting to take that thing. Maybe because I’ve been very calm the past few weeks that I keep forgetting that I still have to cure my anxiety. I haven’t been triggered since March and that’s a good thing and I hope it stays this way.

This is what I get for giving too much of myself to a man who doesn’t deserve me. Never again. Yeah, I’m hormonal right now and I’m angry again.

Meanwhile, aside from art, my other sources of serotonin are:

Kittykats keeping me company! Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Making our rooms cuter by installing shades to make the lighting cozier. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My gallery wall. Look at the cat on the stairs on the upper part of the photo 😄 Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Simple things.

I’m running out of places to put my frames.

I don’t feel well. Good night.

Opium poppy

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Opium poppy flowers. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I was searching for pretty purple flowers to paint for my mom and I came across opium poppy (Papaver somniferum) flowers. They are so pretty but illegal 🤣 So I would have to content myself with photos from livescience.com.

So here, side by side, the Ming dynasty version of an opium poppy flower and the 2022 (my) version. I guess what the Ming dynasty painter saw was the giant poppy so he used magenta (which I also used) and a combination of indigo.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m running out of frames again. Hahaha! I would have to order frames online. Seeing my improving watercolor drawings framed gives me a serotonin boost so it’s ok to spend that much on frames and art materials. I don’t think I’ve been this happy in the past year when I was still living inside my head and in the past. Now when I think about him, this is the image that flashes through my mind:

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CcEolYxPaGg/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Obviously he’s not. He has a lot of women to fuck around with. That’s the rude awakening that I needed, the reality check that I no longer matter so I shouldn’t waste my time moping around and grieving over somebody like that.

How many times has art saved me? I can no longer count.

So wait, is this my justification for ordering Daniel Smith watercolors from Amazon??? 🤣🤣🤣

DANIEL SMITH Watercolor, 5ml tubes, Jean Haines Master Artist Set 10 Watercolor Tubes (total 10 pieces) 285610223

DANIEL SMITH Watercolor Set 5ml Tubes – Alvaro Castagnet Watercolor Set – 10 Tubes, 285610016

In the meantime, my cat, Kimchi, loves to sit on my Kuretake.

Kimchi, my spoiled cat. Photo by CallMeCreation.com