Basura day

wrecked home furnitures interior
Photo by Wendelin Jacober on Pexels.com

I have accomplished nothing today.

My total sleep for today is 10 hours.

The only thing I did was to clean the exhaust fan in the bathroom and cook dinner. Otherwise I was horizontal the whole day because I needed to enter the zen mode after last night’s trigger episode. I don’t want to take my anti-anxiety/tranquilizer as my shrink told me to do when such event arises because I want to completely be off it. I want to be better soon. I want meds off me. I only have been taking escitalopram (antidepressant) since April and my goal is to stop it by August, according to my shrink’s timetable.

It’s enough that he destroyed me and my mental health. I don’t intend to prolong it. I had given him too much power over me. He doesn’t deserve me and this power. Sending me that painting was an attempt to regain that power but I didn’t let him. Even my shrink was flabbergasted with that action but she didn’t offer any explanation. She was probably waiting for how I would act on it. Being a person with full mental faculties still intact despite nearly going insane, I had the will power to shut him out by ending it with “thanks, got it” as I still had my self-respect with me. If I didn’t, I would have started a conversation and that would open Pandora’s box. But I didn’t because I loved myself more at that moment. It was a painful fall, though, but I bounced back with the help of friends. But it was hard.

He must be messing up other people now.

Not me. No longer me.

But I have to admit I’m still struggling with anger and a whole gamut of other inexplicable emotions.

I was able to overcome yesterday’s anxiety attack without the tranquilizer though, which is already a feat. I just need more will power to continue fighting this. I need to be stronger to be healthier.

As my colleague-friend said, I need a distraction. She asked, do you have Bumble? I said no and people there are worse scammers. I would rather hang myself. She conceded and said, yeah, I guess you’re right.

So I guess I need to have my house built soon so I can be distracted. I don’t need to date to distract me. That’s suicide.


Brunch. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My brunch is comprised of side dishes. 🤣 Well, it’s better this way.

Meanwhile, I found that consumer companies have started adjusting their packaging in response to the current high prices. Cream is not necessarily a staple in Pinoy pantries; a smaller package would make it affordable so buyers won’t have to skip it when doing their food shopping. During times like this, consumers stick to basics.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This has been my question to companies in the past few weeks: how are you adjusting your services and your products as people continue to tighten their belts? They have done this in 2008. Some companies survived but some didn’t. As for Monde Nissin, they told me they’re not reducing their packaging/weight but they’re adding “pairs” so that consumers would feel more value for money compared to competition, which have shrunk the sizes or weight. I remember in 2008, I had to ask Jollibee, the bellwether for Filipino consumption, how they would twist and turn as prices of rice and oil skyrocketed. If I remember it correctly, the CEO’s response was they would have smaller rice portion (Jollibee is the largest private sector rice importer in the country). I remember showing in my article the gross and profit margins of that company and computing the differences for several quarters to illustrate how inflation compresses them.

It’s tricky. If your products and services are discretionary, you would have to do gymnastics to be able to ride this crisis. As I have learned during several economic cycles, when you’re not part of the “basics” basket, you should increase marketing spend while sticking to producing your core products and innovations have to take the backseat. This is something that Microsoft and Apple did during the Global Financial Crisis of 2008-2009. This is what I learned, too, in my classes at the Asian Institute of Management.

Let’s see how other sectors would respond. I have yet to receive their email responses to my questions.

Baby blue eyes

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

After that pep talk from that sketchbook guy on Youtube, I finally decided to finish this thing that has been festering in my pile of to-do.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I decided not to line the baby blue eyes with dark liner and left the pencil outline and then I painted the filament silver.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

Then I decided not to draw individual leaves and use the urban sketching technique of doing color washes (three types of greens) and do a collective outline of leaves and some individual leaves since the baby blue eyes in Hitachi were actually in a bed of grass.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

Et voila! I now have a version of my favorite flowers on my wall. My favorite flowers in one of my favorite places on earth.

I think I will make another version of this baby blue eyes for my cousin.


“Mommy,” Twin A said, “KKR si promoting liquid botox.”

“Huh? Who?” I asked, bewildered.

“You know, KKR, that girl. She is promoting liquid botox on Facebook.”

“Ahh, Tito J’s gf,” I said.

“Yes. Twin I and I were watching her videos on Facebook. She’s always doing all these beauty videos and she keeps showing off her boobs in revealing clothes. She still looks like a transvestite though,” Twin A said.

“Ah I don’t care. Let her be. As long as I don’t need that botox I’m fine,” I said.

I really don’t need it and will never need it. In the first place, botox is injected and not applied topically, as my girls said this woman is demonstrating on her video—whatever. Besides, I’m already beautiful as is and I don’t need to inject myself with botulinum toxin. Hello! Anybody with a half-brain knows it is a neurotoxin that can cause your face to be frozen and be without facial expression 🙄 Exhibit A: Nicole Kidman. Exhibit B: Renee Zellweger.

My self-worth need NOT be measured by how many wrinkles I have, by being a daughter of a restaurant owner (a very poor way to be identified, by the way), or by any other external identifier. As my gay friend K said, do not measure yourself against these people—it’s not you who is the problem, remember that.

Yes, K, I am believing you now. I measure myself against how I was a year ago, how I was five years ago. I am older but much wiser now (I hope). I have only myself to compare with.

Someday, someone will appreciate my 42-year-old clear skin that doesn’t need botox, for my intellect, my talents, my generosity, my capacity to love, sense of adventure, my wide range of interests, my resilience, my practicality, my strength—the overall me. I will be appreciated by someone who will not take me for granted and not use me for his selfish gains.

Someday. Not today.

I’ve got some more healing to do.

In the meantime, my cats sleep with me on the bed and provide me with love and comfort. We woke up like this today ❤️. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Today’s news isn’t reassuring and on top of that I was busy dealing with errant reporters again. So Twin I asked, “Mommy, do you want hot choco?” “Ok,” I said.

Ahh! Hot choco with whipped cream and marshmallows. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This made me feel a lot better. My daughter made me a calorie-laden drink to ease the tension on my forehead and back. ❤️

Twin A asked me yesterday, “Mommy, did you regret having children?”

I said, “No. I will always choose you over everything else.”

And this question and answer between me and my daughter echoed in my head while I was reading this article and the FB comments on the WSJ post.

To Get Into the Ivy League, ‘Extraordinary’ Isn’t Always Enough These Days. The Wall Street Journal.

While I was not really aiming to get into an Ivy League school for my master’s degree, the opportunities presented to me before I got married and before I got pregnant with the girls were there. I was encouraged by one of my teachers at UP Masscom to apply for a scholarship at the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism where she is an alumna. I was preparing to apply when my father died. Then it all went downhill from there. My priorities have shifted; I got married, just as what my father had wanted. Then other opportunities came along (although not Ivy): scholarship at NYU and Germany but I couldn’t push through because then-husband didn’t want to come and I got pregnant, respectively.

I’m still thinking, would it have been better/made a big impact in my life if any of my plans to study abroad pushed through? For sure I wouldn’t have my girls if I did. Maybe I would have been somewhere else, living in Germany or making a bigger mess of myself in NY—but life would be lonelier without my girls.

I am meant to be their mother because I always knew—at the back of my mind at sixteen years old—I knew I will have daughters.

But I knew also that I am not meant to be with someone. I am meant to meet all these people, not because we were meant to last, but to teach me hard lessons in life.

Would I be earning a lot more if I had a degree from Columbia or NYU? I don’t know. Will I be more fulfilled if I obtained my MA and PhD there? I don’t know either. Probably I will just end up in the academe. It’s not like I will be pursuing a Master in Finance or MBA or law and end up as a hedge fund manager or work for Big Law.

All I know is I am glad I have my girls with me. They give me direction, strength, and reason for being. I believe that we always end up where we are meant to be. Where we need to be. The universe conspires and throws all these obstacles so I would not go in another direction. Kinda like that one blog entry I wrote about James Hetfield and Slash ending up where they were supposed to be and not turn into a football player or a mediocre bass player. Metallica and Guns N’ Roses may not have happened.

So for those kids who had been complaining about not getting into Yale and Harvard (in the WSJ article), they may not need to be there in the first place to be happier and successful later in life.

Life is short. I have a high school classmate, a gynecologist who has gone through chemotherapy because she is battling breast cancer. She just had a mastectomy last week. I know she would give anything to be healthy and spend more time with her son.

No amount of Columbia U PhD can compare to moments with my kids and their laughter when we swim in the sea, when we bike, when we hug on my bed.

As I said, I am where I am supposed to be. I am healing with my children beside me.

And one day I will be able to forgive.

Leaves

Ben&Ben

I can think of all the times
You told me not to touch the light
I never thought that you would be the one
I couldn’t really justify
How you even thought it could be right
Cause everything we cherished is gone
And in the end, can you tell me if
It was worth the try, so I can decide

Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees
And all will be alright in time
From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas
And all will be alright in time
Oh you never really love someone until you learn to forgive

Try as hard as I might
To flee the shadows of the night
It haunts me and it makes me feel blue
But how can I try to hide
When every breath and every hour
I still end up thinking of you?
And in the end, everything we have makes it worth the fight
So I will hold on for as long

As leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees
And all will be alright in time
From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas
And all will be alright in time
Oh you never really love someone until you learn to forgive

I never thought that I would see the day
That I’d decide if I should leave or stay
But in the end what makes it worth the fights
That no matter what happens we try to make it right

Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees
And all will be alright in time
From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas
And all will be alright in time
Wounds of the past will eventually heal
And all will be alright in time
‘Cause all of this comes with a love that is real
I said all will be alright in time
I said all will be alright in time
I said all will be alright in time
All will be alright in time
Oh, you never really love someone until
You learn to forgive
You learn to forgive
Learn to forgive

Delaying tactics

A magenta peony. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’ve been pushing back finishing that Sombrero island painting. I’m having a problem with how sunlight strikes violent waves. I am almost getting it with the waves near the boat but the farther the waves are from the boat/from my perspective, the more trouble I have with sunlight reflection/refraction.

You see, painting is like solving a problem; you always get troubled by how light falls on the subject and the perspective—how the lines meet, especially in urban sketching. Rooftops are difficult, especially if the structures have different angles. That’s why painting/drawing is a good way to keep myself occupied because I don’t have to think about things that are troubling me.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I made a mistake here. I should have left the pencil outline and shouldn’t have used the UniPin liner for the finishing touches.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m a bit unhappy with how this turned out. I’ll try to see if this will grow on me.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

Ok this is better.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

While I wait if the above watercolor painting will be something that I will like later on, I made a sketch of nemophilas or “baby blue eyes”. This is how I saw them/photographed them in May 2017 in Hitachi Kaihin Koen in Ibaraki Prefecture (see photo I used for this blog’s header). I used the darkest pencil I have in my arsenal and would see if I can leave it as is without layering it with a UniPin liner.

Today was a bit rough at work as I was editing non-stop. That problem journo from India was displaying her attitude problem so I had to shoot her down in our email thread. Her ex-officemate in Mumbai (he already left the company) and I were chatting this morning and he told me this journo, R, is exuding “India newsroom vibes” where everyone thinks he/she is the star reporter so they all display similar arrogance. He said, R does not fit in my company because of her attitude problem; our company, M, is not like the usual Indian newsroom. When I showed him how she replies to my emails, he said: Oh wow, how can you have the guts to speak to an editor like that?

“She thinks she’s a goddess. Her BC does not like her and she doesn’t like her BC,” he said. That’s how I ended up editing her. The problem is she doesn’t like to be edited. Her BC keeps rejecting her copies because they are not up to par—still India newsroom-y, this ex-colleague said. So her draft with me reached a fifth iteration and yet she demanded that this should be published right away. I told her firmly that the publication of this article will depend on how polished this is. “As I told you, editing analysis pieces do not take just a day,” I scolded her.

I told my ex-colleague, “And you know how thorough I am with my edits.” Yup, he agreed because I was the one who trained him.

I told my manager in Seoul about this problem journo and she was backing me up in that email thread.

Shooting down biaaaaatches is really tiring. On a Friday. 😣

Meanwhile, my manager finally approved my leave and two weeks from now I will be toasting under the sun. First I will be Pico de Loro then I will be with my bffs in Caliraya. Either we will get the glamping tents or the boathouse. I have yet to book the accommodations. Will have to talk to them tomorrow regarding the schedule.


The past few days I was feeling like shit because of the bad news left and right. I suddenly wanted to have someone hug me and assure me that everything will be all right. I wanted somehow to have a safe place and feel protected when I sleep. That’s all I wanted; I’m a simple person. I never demanded anything else.

But then you know it seems like such things are not for me. Maybe I was made to be this way—independent and strong-willed—because in the end I will always be alone. So I need to toughen up more, especially during the times I feel weak and vulnerable.

No, I shouldn’t let myself be a wilting flower like that because that leads to mistakes. Major mistakes. I just have to be kinder to myself and learn to hug myself to sleep. I don’t want to get hurt like that again. I’ve come soooooooo far from where I’ve been 1.5 years ago.

It’s kinda shitty that it is taking me a long time to completely recover while nobody gives a flying fuck about me. Not him anyway.

Awwww jeez. I must be very tired to be holding a pity party like this on a Friday night.

I just need to rest. Tomorrow will be better.

Neko x gato x cat x pusa

Kimchi. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Sometimes I often find myself wishing to be just a cat that can stretch out and not give a flying fuck about what is happening to the world. Like today. My mistake was I opened my Twitter and doom-scrolled. And found that there were two things that made me question if there is really intelligent life on earth.

So one lawyer got tired of all Marcos supporters harassing all opposition people so he wrote the central bank about the “legendary” Tallano Gold that they claimed made the Marcoses rich (and not from stealing from national coffers, which the whole world knows about). So he got a proper document disproving it. To shut up Marcos supporters and tell them no, Jr will not distribute the gold, and no, he will not “save” the Philippines using the legendary Tallano gold.

The signature of the general counsel was redacted for his protection, the letter/email sender said.

I told my friend who heads one of the units in the communications arm at BSP about this. She then forwarded this to their lawyers so that they can come up with a public/press release addressing this. Some banking reporters are already inquiring about this as well.

The idiocy is never-ending.

I don’t want to dignify the other heart-attack-inducing malicious thing involving a Cebu Pacific pilot, who is spreading lies, so I’m not recording it here. Even if Cebu Pacific already issued a statement regarding this, that pilot is not stopping. I sent screencaps and time stamps of his stupid comments (and is not remorseful of his lies) to the crisis PR head of the airline. A privacy lawyer already said that he is liable for his statements, aside from being libelous, it violates aviation protocols/privacy laws.

I should totally withdraw from from social media—but I catch my fast international markets news on Twitter. So how now? 🙄

A high school classmate who runs a travel company offered to shelter me if I find things unbearable. She sent me this photo of one of her tours. She said I can stay in one island in El Nido for a day and hop to the next islands in the next few days. Sounds like heaven.

El Nido, Palawan. My classmate’s photo.

I told her I will take that offer when the time comes. It’s just the timing is all wrong. So many things happening at work this time. I had to reject an application for a reporter position in Singapore because he/she is abroad and getting employment passes in Singapore is difficult at this time (or forever). So I need to have coffee dates with prospects so I can poach them. Annoying. My request for travel next month is not yet approved by HQ. I need to book my accommodation and flights now. I hate this system that my company imposed now, which makes things a lot slower. Before, the buck stops in HK so approvals are easier.

I just want to curl up and be a cat.

Later I will tackle this if I’m in the mood.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

Can’t sleep.

I don’t know why. I thought I have already gone back to Philippine Standard Time after our Anilao trip. I even slept before 11 pm last night after I had a 1.5-hr deep tissue massage. Now I’m back to my former sleepless state.

It’s almost 4 am. I’m still alive. I’m so dead.

Enrollment

There.

I already paid for the girls’ school tuition this afternoon. Writing the check and handing that amount to the school cashier every May is always a leap of faith.

They will be having a hybrid setup where the children will be divided into batches: some kids will be physically in school on MW while the others are at home; then they will be at home for T-TH while the others will be in school. Thank you for small mercies like this because my kids are tired of online school. I would have been tired too if I were in their shoes.

mother helping her daughter with her homework
Photo by August de Richelieu on Pexels.com

I have also paid for their high school entrance exam review tonight. They will have the sessions starting June every weekday afternoon and by August through September they will be having it every Sunday, for 4 hrs every morning until noon.

Alongside that are their regular Kumon sessions.

Twin I complained that they already have too much on their plate. I told them that was nothing when I was their age. I had high school entrance exam review classes, Math tutorial, Sunday (Catholic Church) school, and Rondalla practices, piano lessons, and goodness knows what else. I rode public transport through all of these. I didn’t complain because it was expected of me and there’s this unspoken pressure that 1) must always be an honor student; 2) must pass UP high school and UP (college) or else I will fail my parents and bring them shame since my brother topped those exams; my older siblings always graduated with honors, if not valedictorian. I was not given a choice not to pass those exams. I was not given a choice not to be an honor student.

It was not an option.

My kids are luckier because they know I have a Plan B. My parents had no Plan B for me then. It was taboo. I was the only one among my siblings who didn’t take the Philippine Science High School exam because right off the bat I knew I will not pursue a science career. My other choice then was Philippine High School for the Arts but I was confused whether I would be pursuing theater then or creative writing so in the end I didn’t take the screenings, but I already had in my hand the application forms. In the end I just rested my entire future in one entrance exam and it was only now that I realized that I would have been truly fucked if I didn’t pass UP high. My mom said, just a few years ago, that she was confident that her children would pass. I just don’t know where she got the confidence that I would.

man writing on table
Photo by Jeswin Thomas on Pexels.com

My kids are now pressured to choose what their career paths would be–Twin I came to me one night and told me she doesn’t know what high school track she should pursue. I told them they could be whatever they want. They wouldn’t know what they wanted to do in life even after they graduate from college. I told them some friends keep reinventing themselves 20 years after. So they shouldn’t lose their hair trying to figure out what they wanted to do because things change.

I was the rare person who knew at 16 what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Twenty-six years after, I’m still doing it and I have no regrets.


This song by Sam Smith is so apt for me right now. I used to always downgrade myself, thinking that I didn’t deserve so and so things, this person, this…Blame it on low self-esteem growing up. It took me 40 years to realize that no, I’m not so bad after all. That I’m ok. Sometimes more than ok. If only I knew what I know now back when I was in my 20s, I could’ve saved me a lot of heartache and sorrow.

But then adulting is like that, isn’t it?

Have you ever felt like being somebody else?
Feeling like the mirror isn’t good for your health?
Every day I’m tryin’ not to hate myself
But lately, it’s not hurtin’ like it did before
Maybe I am learning how to love me moreIt used to burn
Every insult, every word
But it helped me learn (yeah)
Self-worth I had to earn
So I tried every night
To sit with sorrow
And eventually, it set me freeHave you ever felt like being somebody else?
Feeling like the mirror isn’t good for your health?
Every day I’m tryin’ not to hate myself
But lately, it’s not hurtin’ like it did before
Maybe I am learning how to love me moreJust a little bit (love me more)
Just a little bit (love me more)
Oh, no (love me more)
Just a little bit (love me more)I used to cry myself to sleep at night
I’d blame the sky when the mess was in my mind
I couldn’t see, I couldn’t breathe
So I sat with sorrow
And eventually, it set me freeHave you ever felt like being somebody else?
Feeling like the mirror isn’t good for your health?
(If you have, let me hear you right now)
Every day I’m tryin’ not to hate myself (yeah, yeah, yeah)
But lately, it’s not hurtin’ like it did before (sweet child)
Maybe I am learning how to love me moreJust a little bit (love me more)
Just a little bit (love me more)
Oh, I’m gonna try to (love me more)
With a little bit of love (love me more)Love me more
Love me more (just a little bit)
Love me more (love me more)
Love me moreOh, gonna love me more (gonna love me more)
Oh, gonna love me more (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, gonna love me more (gonna love me more)
(Oh) oh, gonna love me more


This is me while working, my cat Sushi joining me in my press conference.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The weekend is soon here. Saturday we will stick near our apartment because there will be a gigantic traffic jam as people will be gathering in Makati CBD, and the stage for the Leni x Kiko Grand Rally will be located at Ayala Ave cor Paseo de Roxas. I think this will attract one million people and will spill over to Edsa. The whole of Makati CBD will be clogged—there will be a domino effect so everything else is going to be frozen.

I wanted to go there, but my hotel reservations came a week earlier and I don’t have room in my budget this month for another staycation in the CBD area. My sister said it’s difficult to attend these rallies because you have no place to pee, it’s hot, and parking is a nightmare. My fear of Covid is winning over my FOMO (fear of missing out). My kids and I will just probably bike around with Leni x Kiko posters all over us.

And these text spams by Marcos? I fight back…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I enjoy trolling them.

Be kind

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc_4WZ7AQDu/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

I thought I was fine, I thought it’s over. But I had a dream that rattled me for a day, but I quickly bounced back. It’s probably an indication that I’m still healing and sometimes I would still stumble and fall.

But it’s ok. I have to be nicer to myself. This is not a race.

I will be me again, probably better as I have more understanding of myself and the world compared to four years ago. I’m in a better place now.