There.
I already paid for the girls’ school tuition this afternoon. Writing the check and handing that amount to the school cashier every May is always a leap of faith.
They will be having a hybrid setup where the children will be divided into batches: some kids will be physically in school on MW while the others are at home; then they will be at home for T-TH while the others will be in school. Thank you for small mercies like this because my kids are tired of online school. I would have been tired too if I were in their shoes.
I have also paid for their high school entrance exam review tonight. They will have the sessions starting June every weekday afternoon and by August through September they will be having it every Sunday, for 4 hrs every morning until noon.
Alongside that are their regular Kumon sessions.
Twin I complained that they already have too much on their plate. I told them that was nothing when I was their age. I had high school entrance exam review classes, Math tutorial, Sunday (Catholic Church) school, and Rondalla practices, piano lessons, and goodness knows what else. I rode public transport through all of these. I didn’t complain because it was expected of me and there’s this unspoken pressure that 1) must always be an honor student; 2) must pass UP high school and UP (college) or else I will fail my parents and bring them shame since my brother topped those exams; my older siblings always graduated with honors, if not valedictorian. I was not given a choice not to pass those exams. I was not given a choice not to be an honor student.
It was not an option.
My kids are luckier because they know I have a Plan B. My parents had no Plan B for me then. It was taboo. I was the only one among my siblings who didn’t take the Philippine Science High School exam because right off the bat I knew I will not pursue a science career. My other choice then was Philippine High School for the Arts but I was confused whether I would be pursuing theater then or creative writing so in the end I didn’t take the screenings, but I already had in my hand the application forms. In the end I just rested my entire future in one entrance exam and it was only now that I realized that I would have been truly fucked if I didn’t pass UP high. My mom said, just a few years ago, that she was confident that her children would pass. I just don’t know where she got the confidence that I would.
My kids are now pressured to choose what their career paths would be–Twin I came to me one night and told me she doesn’t know what high school track she should pursue. I told them they could be whatever they want. They wouldn’t know what they wanted to do in life even after they graduate from college. I told them some friends keep reinventing themselves 20 years after. So they shouldn’t lose their hair trying to figure out what they wanted to do because things change.
I was the rare person who knew at 16 what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Twenty-six years after, I’m still doing it and I have no regrets.
This song by Sam Smith is so apt for me right now. I used to always downgrade myself, thinking that I didn’t deserve so and so things, this person, this…Blame it on low self-esteem growing up. It took me 40 years to realize that no, I’m not so bad after all. That I’m ok. Sometimes more than ok. If only I knew what I know now back when I was in my 20s, I could’ve saved me a lot of heartache and sorrow.
But then adulting is like that, isn’t it?
Have you ever felt like being somebody else?
Feeling like the mirror isn’t good for your health?
Every day I’m tryin’ not to hate myself
But lately, it’s not hurtin’ like it did before
Maybe I am learning how to love me moreIt used to burn
Every insult, every word
But it helped me learn (yeah)
Self-worth I had to earn
So I tried every night
To sit with sorrow
And eventually, it set me freeHave you ever felt like being somebody else?
Feeling like the mirror isn’t good for your health?
Every day I’m tryin’ not to hate myself
But lately, it’s not hurtin’ like it did before
Maybe I am learning how to love me moreJust a little bit (love me more)
Just a little bit (love me more)
Oh, no (love me more)
Just a little bit (love me more)I used to cry myself to sleep at night
I’d blame the sky when the mess was in my mind
I couldn’t see, I couldn’t breathe
So I sat with sorrow
And eventually, it set me freeHave you ever felt like being somebody else?
Feeling like the mirror isn’t good for your health?
(If you have, let me hear you right now)
Every day I’m tryin’ not to hate myself (yeah, yeah, yeah)
But lately, it’s not hurtin’ like it did before (sweet child)
Maybe I am learning how to love me moreJust a little bit (love me more)
Just a little bit (love me more)
Oh, I’m gonna try to (love me more)
With a little bit of love (love me more)Love me more
Love me more (just a little bit)
Love me more (love me more)
Love me moreOh, gonna love me more (gonna love me more)
Oh, gonna love me more (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, gonna love me more (gonna love me more)
(Oh) oh, gonna love me more
This is me while working, my cat Sushi joining me in my press conference.
The weekend is soon here. Saturday we will stick near our apartment because there will be a gigantic traffic jam as people will be gathering in Makati CBD, and the stage for the Leni x Kiko Grand Rally will be located at Ayala Ave cor Paseo de Roxas. I think this will attract one million people and will spill over to Edsa. The whole of Makati CBD will be clogged—there will be a domino effect so everything else is going to be frozen.
I wanted to go there, but my hotel reservations came a week earlier and I don’t have room in my budget this month for another staycation in the CBD area. My sister said it’s difficult to attend these rallies because you have no place to pee, it’s hot, and parking is a nightmare. My fear of Covid is winning over my FOMO (fear of missing out). My kids and I will just probably bike around with Leni x Kiko posters all over us.
And these text spams by Marcos? I fight back…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I enjoy trolling them.