Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

Posted on 07/02/2022 by admin

You Ought To Know – Alanis Morisette

I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

‘Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn’t able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You’d hold me until you died
‘Til you died, but you’re still alive

And I’m here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

‘Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn’t able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You’d hold me until you died
‘Til you died, but you’re still alive

And I’m here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

‘Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I’m not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else’s back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

Well I’m here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Well, not really quickly replaced. I was cheated on. There you go. I am so fucking angry right now.

Sleepless

Posted on 07/02/2022 by admin

I no longer know what to do with my head and hands. I can’t sleep. My heart is breaking into a million pieces but is still held by a flimsy tape.

I hate drawing hands. I’ll redo the hands later today after observing my own hands.

This is how I feel today. I don’t know how to channel this pain. I no longer know how to express this since words aren’t enough. Singing it isn’t enough. I need to express it graphically to make it raw. To make it more real, more tangible. Like shooting an arrow straight to the heart.

I may have to buy a big sketch pad and this Muji notebook for my work notes will not do.

I think God can explain

Posted on 06/02/2022 by admin

There’s a lot of things I understand
And there’s a lot of things that
I don’t want to know
But you’re the only face I recognize
It’s so damn sweet of you
To look me in the eyes
It’s alright, I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I believe I’m the same
I get carried away
It’s alright, I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I’m relieved I’m relaxed
I’ll get over it yet
The scent of Vaseline
In the summertime
The feel of an ice cube
Melting overtime
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
When I begin to cry
It’s alright, I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I believe I’m the same
I get carried away
It’s alright, I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I’m relieved I’m relaxed
I’ll get over it yet
I’m so much better than you guessed
I’m so much bigger than you guessed
I’m so much brighter than you guessed
It’s alright I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I believe I’m the same
I get carried away
It’s alright I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I’m relieved I’m relaxed
I’ll get off of your back
I think God can explain
I think God can explain
I think God can explain

I’m so, so tired.

Vitamin Sea

Posted on 05/02/2022 by admin

*Anilao, Mabini, Batangas. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

Old and fresh wounds have opened up and as expected, I had trouble sleeping despite taking alprazolam. I hate this. I thought I’m done with this. I thought I’m mending. I thought I’m going to be alright. I thought wrong.

I’m still so, so far. A little thank you sends so many bitter memories and feelings. I’m like this broken vase that keeps cracking, breaking, and repairing itself with little bits and pieces of whatever could be salvaged.

I hope I’m not a zombie by Monday since Asian markets will be back again. Inflation concerns are creeping up. I should be alert and scoop up FMETF when it dips. I have US-East Asia de-SPAC stories to write. I have a lot of things to write 🤦🏻‍♀️

I want a huge dose of Vitamin sea now but I have to be careful. I checked with Blue Ribbon yesterday if my reservation for last year is still intact; they said it’s there and I just have to tell them when I will have the 4D-3N reservation. Probably we’ll go there when the winds are kinder and the diving sites are much pleasant. I would have to buy the doughnut and diving buoy. I should buy those fins meant for free dives, too. How about underwater camera???

By June probably we can go to Bohol (if resorts are already operating) or Moalboal for the sardine run. The girls suggested Palawan for my solo trip to refresh me. They know everything that’s why they are rallying behind me.

Do the things that I love to banish this pain. Do the things that make me ME and not feel small when others seem to lead shinier lives. I’m not like that. I like contemplative activities, as well as the outdoors, but I also like creating a home. I like taking care of others. K said he misses my cooking so I said we’ll have barbeque outside my apartment with other friends. Just no talk of his sexcapades with his one-night-stand boylets or else my neighbors will be scandalized.

I finished one panel. Two panels more for the girls’ bedroom. Then I will tackle the curtains for the living room.

Later today or tomorrow when I’m feeling much better, I will tackle the container garden. Seeing flowers make me happy. I like working with my hands, be it cooking, gardening or crafting. But I also like having battle of wits with CEOs for mental calisthenics. Putting a lot of platitudes on a social media profile only makes one look shallow. I’d rather have cerebral swordfights with these guys and earn their respect. During my last interview, the CEO of a firm abroad told me he enjoyed our conversation because I get it.

Hmm, maybe I should have a side gig interviewing people on TV. I can probably pitch…

I will get through this. One day there will be no more pain. I will look back when I’m 60 and say, yeah, I’ve lived a good life: raised my kids, have good friends, did the things I love and not chase shallowness and illusions. And yeah, libraries have the books I wrote.

One day, no more pain. Oh God, it hurts right now.

It’s 5:39 am. It seems like meeting daylight is a regular thing for me now.

I’ve come to hate the night. What used to be a time that offers rest and tranquility is now a time of chaos and restlessness. I can’t take alprazolam again because it’s a controlled substance, therefore, addictive. For goodness’ sake, it’s a tranquilizer!

When will this end? Haven’t I carried this cross long enough? I wish I could snap my fingers and boom–it’s gone. No, it doesn’t work that way.

I’m trying. I’m really trying.

If loving unconditionally means long-term suffering like this, then I no longer choose to love like that ever. I am really swearing off this thing called love. It’s just for my girls and the cats, that’s it. God, I can’t take this anymore.

Kittens for adoption

Posted on 04/02/2022 by admin

My neighbor and my household have been sheltering street cats in our compound. One ginger mommy cats gave birth to four kittens but only three survived (or one is still missing/hiding). They are for adoption and then the mommy cat would be spayed as soon as I can get her into a cat carrier and have her scheduled at PAWS.

The kittens are already eating solid food.

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A post shared by MyTinyHome (@mynewtinyhome)

I’ve posted on my social media accounts and sent private messages to friends and relatives just in case they may be interested. So far no takers yet. Poor kitties! They need a home/homes. I could no longer take them because my masungit cats are territorial and I no longer have space for one more kitty litter.

I was already doing fine and life is placid then this came out of nowhere via Grab. Life throws me curve balls.

I think this was the view of Laguna Lake on top of Mt. Tagapo in Talim Island. The canvas I bought J with the acrylic paints in preparation for the first lockdown.

I don’t know why he had to do this after a year when I’m already doing much better and working towards healing. Guilt? I dunno. All I can say is I got triggered and had a panic attack.

Grab tracker says it’s from Muntinlupa and the delivery guy says it’s from Nicole or whatever name. I always knew he had a girlfriend even before we broke up. That’s why he was so defensive. A woman just knows; I was just clouded at that time but I always knew–that’s why I fought hard to win him back. I suspected it was D since its just so happened it was her name that always that cropped up but deep down I knew it must be somebody else since he’s attracted to shiny people/things, like that girl from that co-working space that he pirated. He was impressed by/attracted to her because she’s shiny even though I knew she was wrong for the job but he still insisted. I was so tired of trying to be shiny to measure up to his expectations. I will never measure up. But it doesn’t matter anymore. Deep down I knew that right after we broke up, he already had somebody else in that condo, as I mentioned here several times before. That person was the reason why. He could have just told me when I asked was there somebody else even though I already knew the answer but I was just in denial. He didn’t have the decency to tell me so I had to suffer the whys. To the point I had to go into therapy.

Whatever his reasons for sending this painting, it doesn’t matter anymore.

I am closing this chapter. I’m so tired of the deceit and lies. I’M JUST SO FREAKING TIRED.

I could never measure up and will never be enough.

I’m just me. Simple. Earthy. I live by my wits. I don’t have the body, I don’t have money, and I only just have my brains to live on. I live by my hands, I want to create things, I’m not glamorous and will never be.

I have so much to give but to the wrong people.

I’m so done. I’m finally cutting this soul tie.

Coward

Posted on 03/02/2022 by admin

Bongbong Marcos won’t attend forum for presidential bets, says KBP prexy

*FILE PHOTO: Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos Jr. INQUIRER FILES*

He has never participated in any public forum that is not scripted or not assured that he would be coddled. Because he is a stupid coward who does not have anything to say. Because he is an empty, drug-addled vessel.

And his social media trolls will just demonize media and blame us for our biases.

How do we battle these devils of disinformation and lies? How do we convince voters that he shouldn’t lead us? How how how how???

I want to raze the Philippines to the ground if he wins. OMG that would be a nightmare.

Meanwhile, my doctor said we will be going back to once every three nights of alprazolam because of my sleeping issues. She says a lot of her patients who had Covid still have sleep problems, too. I can take melatonin in-between to help me get my sleeping hours back to normal again. It is really affecting my productivity.

I told her it feels like I’m operating in a different timezone.

She was alarmed when I told her that I always get awakened at 3 am or 5 am despite sleeping at 2 am and that time a week or two ago when I slept at 7 am because I was really struggling with falling asleep even without triggers. I told her I don’t understand why I have this problem when I no longer feel the same kind of J-triggered anxiety like before or I don’t have anxiety like I used to. Despite what I wrote yesterday, I slept undisturbed until 7:30 am last night until this morning because I was on alprazolam. I wasn’t triggered. Before, my sleep was very disturbed even after taking alprazolam because/whenever I got triggered. So this is an improvement.

So there you go, I’m still on tranquilizers when I’m supposed to be off it by now and only the antidepressant escitalopram is supposed to remain. *sigh* So the whole of February is trying to be normal and hopefully by March I’m back on Singapore/Manila timezone (GMT 8+).

Here are my colleagues who are with me during my zombie moments:

*Cat and Chonky cat. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

Speaking of colleagues, I chatted with my outgoing APAC boss (who is supposed to be on terminal leave since yesterday) and told me she already submitted to the global head the promotions and raises for colleagues I recommended, and for mine as well.

Then the incoming APAC boss told me that I don’t have to be in Singapore. Yey. So I just have to wait for the call from the global office about my appointment and my manager’s reassignment to HQ. Once these become official, I will start planning trips to markets where there are no quarantine requirements (Thailand comes to mind). I have yet to wait for Singapore to welcome tourists from Manila. I really have no idea how our new office looks like as I was told we have transferred to a new building, several train stations away from our last office, ergo, different zip code.

We have also transferred buildings in Hong Kong. With the way things are in HK right now (zero-covid policy), I doubt if I would be flying there in the next 24 months.

*Our old HK office. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

*The ampao that my former APAC boss gave my girls for 2019 Lunar New Year. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

To cap this unproductive day, here’s Florence Welch of Florence + The Machine. If God would grant me a great voice, I would ask Him for Florence’s or Anne Wilson’s of Heart.

Hopefully the dog days are over.

Stories from the sidelines

A journalist has a life other than news

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