My colleague’s little girl died today. Her organs were failing and then she just gave up. Our fundraising is still ongoing as he still couldn’t pay the entire hospital bill. I said I will give him the funds by end of the week after our fundraising is over. As he was speaking to me he broke down, he let out a raw cry of pure anguish that you cannot just describe properly. He says he is overwhelmed with grief and at the same time gratitude to people he even doesn’t know who are helping him.

I told him, you know, we are parents, too.

He is also crying because he has soooooooo many regrets.

I was chatting with the girl’s mom this morning (we had been chatting throughout the years) and she told me:

I told my friends before that I am just a woman appliance. For years, I ignored my needs, and I felt like if I am low maintenance (tough and not needy), I am easier to love. Before, I thought I was a superwoman. I did most (if not all) of the house chores, childrearing, while working full time (work from home). But then it dawned on me, I also have needs. That’s why I hired 2-3 nannies with shifts. My stress disappeared, my shouting. For the past 3 years I was happy because I have efficient helpers with me for child-rearing. My children made me realize that I’m more than an appliance. I am thankful that I felt that with my little girl even if she is almost (a) non-verbal (autistic child).

The background here is that my colleague cheated on the little girl’s mom (wife) by having an affair and a child with a very young journo (what’s with young female journos??? because they’re gullible?). The only reason why they haven’t separated physically yet is because the little girl needed to see her dad regularly since instability is difficult for a child under the spectrum. But the (ex)-spouses aren’t on good terms. As I said before, we in our circle/trade organization know everybody’s business; we’re nosy like that. That’s why we’re journos; news spread fast. That’s why everyone knows about J, that other journo girl, and me even though I haven’t spoken about it.

Anyway, I know where the mom is coming from, feeling like a woman appliance. I know exactly how she felt and what she went through. I thought doing all those things for J and being tough and not needy would make him love me more. I ignored my needs. But I was wrong. She was wrong. We cannot make them love us if they don’t and if they just see us as human appliances. Someone useful.

I told her I completely understand her as I’ve been through that twice.

I said her little girl wants to go to Palawan with her now (they couldn’t do that before because they always had to be near a hospital for her sporadic seizures). This is her little girl’s way to make it possible for the her (mom), the little girl, and the little brother to go to Palawan. I told her take little girl’s favorite stuffed toy and take pictures/selfies in the places the three of them will go to, the trips that they will have. Make an Instagram account of that so we can see.

She said:

Yes will do that. I’ll just take a rest. Thank u again, CallMeCreation. I really love talking to you, for some weird reason it feels like you’re my sister.

I told her, “I am because we are bound by the same suffering and our love for our children. Take a rest. You still have a long journey ahead of you.”

As I said before, our children are the only ones who have given us unconditional love. No ifs and buts. Even if we smell like the kitchen and we look like shit, they still love us just because. We are their world. As parents, we would give our lives for them and if we lose them, it’s like we also have died with them. And as King Theoden in Lord of the Rings said, no parent deserves to bury their child.

Good night, little angel. Look after your mom and little brother. Oh, your dad, too.