Now that these tests are out of the way, I can concentrate on other tasks now such as scheduling my appointments with other doctors 😑 which is the hardest part.
I forgot to get my results 😑 before leaving for QC. But I guess they’re the same from last year. The fact that I suspect it was pancreatitis that pushed me to see doctors this weekend, it’s no doubt the trigger are my triglycerides that are likely much more elevated now. 🫠
I now have to prepare my own food since I have to lower my bad cholesterol and triglycerides…no more processed carbohydrates for me. Complex carbs and fish. Steamed, grilled, and broiled/boiled. Salmon, mackerel, tuna, and chicken. 😭 Sigh. I have to look for ways to make vegetables more appetizing. Sweet potatoes. I’ve already refrained from eating sweet stuff. I have to hoard smoked salmon when I see them.
Ageing is hard. But dying is harder. Choose your hard. 🚩
Back in the city. Waiting for Twin A who was having a haircut. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I wanted to drop by at Art Fair Manila this afternoon coming from the south but I had an inkling that people may be swarming the area. I just went straight home to do the usual weekend errands.
Good thing I listened to my gut feel. A journo posted on FB that it took him 15 mins to get out of the 3F parking area of Greenbelt 1. The volume of cars was more than the usual. He said it seemed like a lot of people don’t care about the 8.7% inflation rate. Or everyone went to Art Fair Manila, as one commenter said. 🤔 Hmmm, I haven’t realized that the local art scene has become more mainstream and is no longer the exclusive territory of the artsy fartsy crowd. I mean, that’s good. But then, there’s the sad reality that people go to art exhibits just to do their Tik Tok videos there and not to appreciate art, as one local artist lamented in a social media post. He/she caught some kids carelessly putting their stuff on his/her work so they can do their Tik Tok videos. 😢
I wish BDO would open up its art collection to the public because they are beautiful. I am only one of the few who got access to their collection when I attended one party there in 2018. I only was able to take a few photos of the paintings I liked for future reference. There were a lot to take in.
If I’m not mistaken, this is an Anita Magsaysay-Ho. A friend posted on FB an Anita Magsaysay-Ho painting that was sold for PHP 84.5m a few days ago 😶🌫️ Photo by CallMeCreation.comFernando Amorsolo. Photo by CallMeCreation.comAgain, if I’m not mistaken, this is a Manansala. I had a Manansala mosaic that I lost forever and ever in the old house. I think the girls’ dad took it to his province. 😭 Photo by CallMeCreation.com Photo by CallMeCreation.com This could be an Amorsolo, I think. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Now, this artist escapes me. Photo by CallMeCreation.com I never knew I would be drawn to Ang Kiukok, but I am. When I was young, I couldn’t “get” him and HR Ocampo. But the older I get, the more I appreciate Ang Kiukok’s art. Comedian Joey de Leon (who is also an fine artist) is a known collector of Ang Kiukok. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Another Ang Kiukok. I like the warm colors. Photo by CallMeCreation.com I know I wrote down the name of this artist because this doesn’t show any signature style of any national/well-known local artist. Now I can’t find it so I can’t identify this properly. But I like it just the same because this looks like something I would paint in the future. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Quite frankly, a lot of the paintings sold in Tiendesitas are imitating Zalameda so it’s hard to pick out this artist from the ones being sold everywhere. But I like the colors in this one. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Woke up early for this. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
So after a long absence, or rather, after years of not visiting my gynecologist, I finally put my big panties on and adulted. I am now taking an executive check up, so this morning I told her my medical history since 2017-ish (Covid delta when I bled too much during my prolonged menstrual period and my psychiatric therapy). Had my pelvic sonogram and pap smear taken, scheduling my sonomammogram and mammogram mid-March, and will have all my blood work and ECG done tomorrow.
Pelvic exam normal and nothing alarming so far, thank goodness.
After my tests are in, I would get referred to an IM specialist, depending on what results are out of whack. As I told her, based on the tests my psychiatrist asked me to have in 2021, my triglycerides, LDL and uric acid are through the roof and my only saving grace is that my fasting blood sugar is normal. My blood pressure is always normal, unlike the rest of my family that is suffering from hypertension and diabetes now.
Then I had referrals to a GI specialist (for my suspected pancreatitis) and a dermatologist/plastic surgery specialist to remove my osteoma. I need to schedule everything next week before I fly to Singapore in early March.
I must drive here mid-week for these—especially my visit to the GI specialist—because I can’t have another attack like that while abroad. If my pancreas is inflamed and I get sick in Singapore, that would be a very expensive trip.
I remember when I had a similar attack like that (because my gall bladder was already getting blocked by stones), I was immobile for two days before I finally brought myself to the surgeon. I didn’t bother with getting a GI opinion; I knew it was my gall bladder because I had an attack before and sonogram showed gall stones. It was so bad that the surgeon operated on me three days after as an emergency case (like they needed to clear the OR for me) because if I didn’t have it done ASAP, my gall bladder would have burst and I could have died.
True enough, the surgeon showed me the photo of my gall bladder, which looked like a dried up pitcher plant on the white operating table. Indeed, it was like a sack full of stones and one big stone was already blocking the opening towards the pancreas. No wonder I was so sick. But then, my surgeon had a macabre sense of humor… I DON’T KNOW if it was standard practice or not but he kept my stones in a glass bottle and gave it to me as a souvenir. 🫠
So this time, I don’t want to take chances. I must catch an illness before it becomes so advanced that it is already too late… Be it pseudocyst in the pancreas, cysts in the breast, or myoma—I need to catch it early.
I just finished some spillover work this morning and didn’t bother to help with the edits today. I NEED TO DISENGAGE.
So that’s what I did. By 2 pm after my girls have finished washing the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, we drove south to my hometown to catch the annual February Fair.
But we first checked my tiny house.
My bathroompendant lights are finally working. I finally have electricity. Photo by CallMeCreation.com The corner of the granite countertop for my lavatory needs trimmingor else I won’t be able to close the bathroom door. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Built-in shelves for the girls’ room. Their loft beds will be delivered next week. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Wall fan and curtain rods installed. Photo by CallMeCreation.com My walk-out closet. I have a bit of space above the closet for my luggage. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Kitchen almost done, with the powerful Rinnai rangehood already installed. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Dining area pendant lights look cute. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Another angle. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Double kitchen sink finally done. All I need is to be connected to the mains to have water.
Tomorrow I’ll take pics of the outside.
After our house tour, we walked to the fair grounds since it’s so near and it’s more of a hassle to bring the car.
Short cut to the park/fair grounds. We used to call this The Dirt Road but it’s no longer a dirt road since it’salreadya fully concrete road now.I used this road a lot to run to my 7 am comm and humanitiesclasses. And computer science class. Why did I even have 7 am classes? 🤦♀️ Photo by CallMeCreation.comWalk, walk, walk… Photo by CallMeCreation.com Early evening at the park. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Inside the fair grounds. Of course, anime. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Cosplayers, to the delight of my girls. Photo by CallMeCreation.com At the concert grounds. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Live music. Photo by CallMeCreation.com My girls are enjoying their first open air concert. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Tomorrow I have to wake up early to queue at my gynecologist’s clinic: Mammogram, pap smear, order for executive check up and referral to a gastroenterologist. AND I might as well go all the way, have my osteoma checked by another specialist and schedule for removal.
I would like to let you know that I am reaching a breaking point in my mental health and well-being. I have suffered from pancreatitis the other night at 2 am, vomiting my way out of the pain. This is only one of the physical manifestations of the anxiety and stress that I am experiencing.
I hope people recognize that Southeast Asia is a difficult bureau to manage with 6 active/big markets and several languages that I need to be on top of. I manage different people whom I do not see (except for Kr) and do my best to keep them engaged and keep productivity up despite some of them not having any raises or promotion since joining. This aside from other admin tasks that crop up from time to time.
I am also trying to keep my personal KPIs intact and keep my editing duties as we all are understaffed. On top of this, I am trying to fill the gaps in the coverage especially with Singapore being out of action since December-January and Thailand since 2020. And yet I get hammered for doing my job, like last week when I pushed out that xx story. I did my best, but I still get the blame.
I have managed all these even when I was still deputy since most of the manager’s tasks were already put on my shoulders ever since I assumed that role in 2018.
However, this hiring is already eating into the little breathing room I have. It’s ok to manage the correspondences, tests, and interviews of candidates since I am the manager and I would be the best judge if I can work with this candidate or not. However, my poaching, the trawling on the profiles of “quality” candidates/with pedigree is not workable—it is the job of an HR talent acquisition team, as one HR head of an MNC told me. My role as a manager is to pick and approve which candidate will proceed for testing and interview and the HR talent acquisition team’s role is to acquire the candidates for screening. I do not understand why our HR cannot assist me in this regard since generally HR talent acquisition teams should treat hiring departments (in our case, editorial) as their clients—it is their main job. If they consider Singapore a very important office and that they want top-notch hires, maybe they could lend me some assistance in this regard because I cannot do it alone.
There should be a compromise somewhere here because I cannot spend my evenings doing the candidate search when I am a solo parent and the sole income earner with no child support, who also needs to attend to the needs of my children. We were sick the last two weeks and I couldn’t even bring my children immediately to the doctor to see if they contracted pneumonia or even bring myself to the hospital for my pancreatitis because hospitalization means there would be nobody to manage the team, the edits, and everything else.
I would like to take a sick leave tomorrow just to sort out myself physically first.
Thank you.
CallMeCreation.com
I conducted my interview this afternoon with Kimchi on my desk. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My cats knew something was wrong with me so they kept close.
I finally figured out what was wrong. It’s not the pay, it’s not the changes, it’s not the small irritants that are driving me up the wall. It’s the overwhelming work that I shouldn’t be doingthat is driving me insane. The pressure from the top had me paralyzed. I couldn’t perform a simple task like writing in the past few weeks. I am overwhelmed.
On Wed early morning, about 2 am, I woke up with this terrible pain in my upper middle abdomen. The pain was excruciating that I couldn’t breathe. It was radiating to my back. It was the same kind of pain that I felt when my gall bladder was about to get infected due to stones. I remember in 2014 I was having oily diarrhea and vomiting so that same week I had surgery to have my gall bladder removed. The attack was similar to what I felt early Wednesday. But the thing here is, I no longer have any gall bladder. It seems like it’s my pancreas and my symptoms matched with that of acute pancreatitis. I was afraid I was having a heart attack because my dad’s symptoms were the same when he had his major heart attack before I rushed him to the hospital back in 2000.
I wasn’t wearing my smart watch so I couldn’t monitor my heartbeats. I knew it was out of whack and my sweat was cold. I was drenched. The pain lasted for an hour until I vomited bile or something.
Only after that did I feel some relief from pain.
I didn’t know how I would bring myself to the hospital. I thought I was going to die.
Now looking back, this was the same thing that happened to me months before I quit my job with the local media. I tendered my resignation a month after the gall bladder surgery.
Now I realize it’s all stress. It was stress that pushed me out of that job, I guess it’s stress again that will push me out of this job again, if management will not listen to me.
I’m trying to save whatever goodwill I have left for this company and for my colleagues.
But if I can’t beat the system, then probably it’s time for me to go. I did warn them.
Working at Greenbelt 3 today using my Samsung tablet. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
So my meeting with that potential source from SG was a dud and he dragged me all the way from QC to Makati for nothing. He didn’t even offer to pay for my coffee. 😑
Anyway, good thing is that this meeting was not the reason why I drove to Makati all the way from QC. I met with some VVIP: My very good friends from the industry.
We all started as public finance and macroeconomy reporters at the same time, attending Treasury bills/bond auctions at the Palacio del Gobernador 17 years ago and writing about public debt.
It’s so lovely to see them again, talking with them about everything under the sun.
Our friend, MR, who left the industry a few years ago and is now a bureaucrat, told me to stay where I am because she also felt the same two years ago… It’s a season we all go through. She also told me that the chillax life I have cannot be quantified and cannot be matched by any salary increase, especially that I’m a solo parent.
The other friend whom I talked to yesterday whose company had an opening that I applied for (also yesterday) is ready to quit her current job because she’s already so tired and wants to have a change of pace. She’s already thinking of retiring from the industry. She has kids and a husband and she wants to pursue more things other than chasing stories all the time. Well, that’s already a red flag to me. 🚩🤣
My other friend, my fairy gay mother, said he couldn’t imagine a job in our industry that allows someone (me) to attend to a house construction and be at the site on a weekday and still come out unscathed. He said he even couldn’t imagine how I could work by the beach and live to tell the tale.
So it’s a matter of familiarity begets contempt. Because I’ve been here for quite a while, it’s understandable that I want to explore what’s out there. It’s the fear of missing out a.k.a FOMO. I also see small things as annoying that they nag at me day and night. Because these annoying things dance around in my brain, I’m mistaking them as fatal flaws that are pushing me over the edge.
It’s like being in a long-term relationship. You suddenly get annoyed by little things that you nitpick. They sudden become bigger than life that you think they are making your life miserable. But because you tend to focus on these little things that you think are a big deal, you forget about the good things that have made you stay in the first place. It’s only when you’re gone that you realize that things aren’t that bad after all and the good things that have kept you in that relationship cannot be found anywhere else. But you can no longer go back—that’s the tragedy and you just have to live with that for the rest of your life.
It’s a matter of appreciating what you have but you forget to do so because you always think the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
So I have to search deep within my heart, what do I really want? Why am I itching to get out? Because I am inconvenienced now? Because I’m challenged now? Because of the changes that happened? Because of money jealousy like who’s paid more than me for less effort?
As our former APAC head (after her jump to PR) told my colleague in Tokyo: Stay. Things aren’t that bad.
So I will keep an open mind when I get interviewed for the position I applied for. Maybe once I realize that things aren’t really that better on the other side of the fence once I get to talk to them, maybe I would have a better appreciation of what I have now.
So I got to talk to this guy who was trying to poach me. It’s not an attractive proposition because he clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing but of course I’m not gonna teach him. That’s why he wants to poach me because he doesn’t know what he’s doing 🤣.
I just want leverage.
I know he cannot afford me since he said he will come back with the numbers for the renumeration.
So I asked my cousin, who is an HR manager in an MNC, how do I use this for a pay raise? She said, it’s going to be tough to ask for a raise using this leverage without risking my current status since “you just want a raise but will not leave yet. Like what if they call your bluff?” But I said, this is not the company that I would sacrifice my current position for and this is a step lower. I don’t want to leave just because I’m pissed with the higher ups. If I would leave or even make a bluff, might as well it is for a better company and position.
So my cousin, with her recruiter account on LinkedIn, found me very good job openings that are not local but have potential to be remote/in Manila.
I just need to sit down and fill out the forms…probably later when I meet a potential source today in Makati. He has been bugging me since August last year and now he’s in the country, he asked for a meeting. Might as well listen to what he has to offer me and what can I do for him.
Anyway, I am scared of what I am going to do. What if I get into a worse situation just because I’m pissed at management and my emotions got the better of me?
So I talked to my friend who works for this news agency that posted that job ad that I thought I am qualified for. She says it’s a totally different world from what she does. While it’s still the usual up-to-speed kind of journalism, it has a new kind of demand that is taxing to the body and brain cells. She says it requires the editor at times to hop on the plane in the morning to see the Chinese vessels shooting at Philippine coast guards in Palawan then jump into a panel discussion about interest rate differentials while producing more in-depth 1,000-3,000-word articles. It’s a new challenge but it requires a new kind of adrenaline rush.
I asked her, at this age, can we still do it? Can we still continue with this high-stress, fast-paced kind of news reporting when we’re raising kids while our bodies are already screaming for rest on weekends.
“I KNOW, RIGHT?! I’m in that kind of situation now,” my friend KL said.
We will be having drinks in Makati tomorrow to discuss these mid-life questions.
This is me in a nutshell, described in an Instagram reel:
My girls bought me flowers and candies. ❤️ Photo by CallMeCreation.com
They made my day better.
I was getting overwhelmed today by the sheer amount of work I must finish and by the conflicting emotions I have regarding my company and applying for other jobs. As my bestfriend said, I have to really dig deep to know what I really want.
So all these things just paralyzed me. Good thing my meeting was cancelled today and was moved to tomorrow. Because I was like this most of the day:
Did manage to push out one story today. I must really, really solve this personal crisis before my performance at work suffers, whether I like my company or not.
