It’s not better

It didn’t get better today.

I was just relieved that the piece that I had labored over for two weeks is finally published.

Pressure is still mounting within me. Stress is eating me alive.

My bosses didn’t approve my trip to Singapore next month. They said I just conduct interviews via Zoom.

That didn’t sit with me well (which is an understatement). I’ve hired via WhatsApp and Zoom and they turned out to be flukes. They’re no longer with the company. And to think I had lost my mind training them and was dragged through compliance and legal issues because they were not the journalists they claimed to be. The problem is I didn’t get a good “feel” of the candidates when I was in the process of hiring them. Well, I wasn’t the main decision-maker; I was just a deputy at that time. How can I poach with this kind of arrangement?!

When my company was hiring me almost 9 years ago, the APAC boss flew all the way from Hong Kong to talk to me at Podium in Ortigas. She took time to understand where I was and what my expectations were. I felt that I was given importance. That made a lot of difference.

I felt feel so blue today. Retaining a headhunter was out of the question because London didn’t retain any. A new approval from London is needed and it would take forever. Like forever. I told my boss that doing this by myself with no help from London and from HR will eat up 90% of my time and I cannot edit and chase stories. I would have to let things slide at a time when we are super undermanned. Which hurts me so much.

I am just so angry and sad.

At Wilcon Home Depot. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I decided to go out of the house and drive to Wilcon Home Depot along C5 to exchange my extra curtain rod and toilet paper holder with a wall fan that I will have installed in my bedroom in my new home. A little bit of fresh air made me feel a little bit human again instead of being a ball of angry nerves.

Then when I opened my “newspaper” tonight, I saw this. You know, when America sneezes, the world gets chills.

To express my sadness, I resorted to painting bookmarks again.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

It’s one of those days

Hiding in a corner. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It’s just one of those days when I just want to rock back and forth and hug myself. Things are not ok and I don’t want pretend that I’m fine by masking how I feel.

As my bosses said, don’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Drop everything and just concentrate on one task.

I’m not fine. I’m overwhelmed.

I’m not fine. I’m tired.

I’m not fine, I’m sad. I feel alone.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe I will get some answers. Maybe I just need some assurance that it will be all right.

I’m not broken yet.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

Uncovering Fake

Forbes revealed earlier this week that the Wall Street giant is suing 30-year-old Charlie Javice, founder of Frank, and Frankโ€™s chief growth officer Oliver Amar over claims that the pair sought to boost the fintechโ€™s user numbers by creating 4.25 million fake accounts. The startup only had 300,000 customers, according to the lawsuit filed late last year in the U.S. District Court in Delaware.

โ€œJavice first pushed back on JPMCโ€™s request, arguing that she could not share her customer list due to privacy concerns,โ€ the complaint continues. โ€œAfter JPMC insisted, Javice chose to invent several million Frank customer accounts out of whole cloth.โ€

The suit alleges that Javice and Amar asked Frankโ€™s director of engineering to create fake customer details after JP Morgan requested details on users as part of the takeover talk. After the engineer refused, Javice was then alleged to have paid a data science professor $18,000 to create millions of fake accounts using โ€œsynthetic data.โ€ JP Morgan opened an investigation after test marketing campaigns to Frankโ€™s users following the acquisition were โ€œa disaster,โ€ the suit says.

Forbes

According to some reports, an employee from JPM saw that the list contained exactly 1,048,576 rows, the maximum allowed by Microsoft Excel. Then JPM sent emails to all those in the list, many bounced back.

The question now is, why didn’t you do that during due diligence phase? The data room has been open to you for goodness knows how long and a simple test like that could have saved you USD 175m and your face.

The bigger question is, how do you even come up with the valuation of startups that do not have any assets, no tangible evidence that the business does really work? I remember talking to people doing due diligence, talking from a farm or in the middle of a plantation, or who just come out of a factory. Of course I couldn’t quiz them about the details but journos and due diligence workers must ask, how well do you even know the business? Does it even work/generate cash? Why do you base your valuation or important metric on the number of downloads or users? How much loans have you even disbursed and how much is the repayment rate? Have you watched the business cycle for several months? When are the lean months/period? Why?

I just had a conversation with a bunch of investors and one of them said his hobby is to sit in a restaurant, order food, observe the people, the customer turnaround, how the waitstaff operate…the entire day. For several days, months, etc. He does this for every business they are looking at.

We have a sister company that does due diligence/reputational investigation and they hire freelance journalists and other research professionals–to do the job on the ground because we’re good at that. We also have the inside knowledge/dirt–things that are super important but unpublishable–about companies and their owners after years of being on the ground. I was talking with one of the guys there and with their boss about some personalities or issues that are familiar to me as they had a lot of due diligence requests for this particular company from clients. They know their stuff. They know I know my stuff as well.

I had qualms about some business owners that I interviewed. I had talked to a founder of one tech company that on paper looked so good and would really attract a lot of ESG funds. But since this is just a bootstrapping company, I gave it the benefit of the doubt because what if this company becomes big? I quizzed the founder about how his business works. What is the thesis, why the world needs his company? What is it trying to solve? How are things quantifiable? How do you even give values to such intangible commodity? How does it generate revenue? Why should people use your product/system? Who are your competitors and what makes you different? Can others replicate your technology/system? I had the story published but I left the discretion to the reader if they want to check out this technology or not. I had quizzed the person beyond what was pushed in the press release.

Then I met him in Singapore and the PR kept pushing for this meeting. I talked to him and asked for an update since we last talked. He gave me a glowing account of the people he met, the offers he had, the partnerships he had forged, etc. etc. I asked him about the plans after getting the seed funding, which to me sounded so…ambitious. I took everything in stride and I told him I cannot write an update because I need to see for myself what the real progress he has achieved a year from now. I need proof of concept. I need real backers who had done their due diligence. I think that was the most responsible thing for me to do.

What were my red flags? He has a PR firm even before he has a real business, even before having a physical office in Singapore. Ok, granted that he is moving his business out of his home country but still…it left me uneasy.

I don’t know but I have a thing about having PR before a business is really proven.

So the biggest crime committed by media is that we tend to glorify the ubermensch-type of CEOs through listicles peddled by the likes of Forbes. The Forbes Under 30 had Frank CEO Charlie Javice on their list. This publication also had Harsh Dalal on their list and he turned out to be one big scammer. TechInAsia called out his bullshit because he could not substantiate claims and this publication kept doing their own investigation and published it. He has since been removed from the list.

I searched if we had his company in our database. OMG we did! I brought this up to our compliance team and legal department. After deliberations, we removed the story from our database.

It’s not far-fetched that we could be tricked by smooth-talking people, especially in Southeast Asia where you can conjure up crap from air and sell it like gold. I said always maintain that jadedness in you and not fall into that trap and spot bullshit. Know the sectors you’re covering.

I was reminded by this story I was editing about an Indonesian VC that was so inconsistent that I had to check all the websites (which they didn’t have), I had asked my contacts if they heard about this firm and the business that they claim to be operating, etc etc. I had news stories remotely related to his claims translated so I could understand what was that all about. Everything didn’t make sense and their LinkedIn profiles were laughable. I told my bosses I could not have this story published. That reporter who interviewed the company is no longer with us.

Another particular company stands out. It’s Solar Philippines and the local media has been publishing stories about this wunderkind, Leandro Leviste, who was in his early 20s at that time, was already a CEO of this renewable energy company. The reason why anybody was listening to him was because his mom was a senator. But after interviewing him one time, I found him to be a fluke. He had no substance. I did have one story about his company published and that deal did push through but then you know, I don’t want to…I simply didn’t believe him. I had sources telling me stuff about this company. After he had his company listed on the PSE, this story came out. The story was so powerful that the stock exchange made the company explain what the shit was all about.

Meanwhile, this guy, Joseph Calata, was just out of this world that I never interviewed him. Good thing because he was such a character (and he even invented his own cryptocurrency as payout for his minority shareholders when they got delisted ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ). In the end, the SEC had Calata Corp delisted in 2017 after being found to have violated 29 PSE rules. Calata even threatened to sue my friend for writing facts, things that the PSE already stated were questionable. I put the blame on the investment banks that had been the underwriters of this company’s IPO.

GUYS, DID YOU EVEN DO YOUR DUE DILIGENCE???

But again, it all boils down to the banks’ (JPM and those local ibankers underwriting these questionable IPOs) desire to close a deal. Because there’s this intense pressure to chase deals so due diligence takes a back seat.

So now I do think the first line of defense is the media. If you stop glorifying these under 30 wunderkinds, then you’re doing the world a favor. Do your job of asking the right questions!

Discontent brews

Another bookmark in the works. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I just got off from Microsoft Teams after chatting with my colleague in Japan for more than an hour about our colleague (L) who just resigned. You see, I held a farewell call for her during our team’s weekly call. Then after that I sent an email to APAC editorial mailing list about the Kudoboard for her, announcing her resignation.

Anyway, my MS Teams chat went from one topic to another and my colleague (N) was ranting about xxx and yyyy. He threatened to leave and told my manager about in February 2022. His former manager, M, who left us in March last year for some consulting firm, told him to stay in journalism. He said he sensed M misses journalism. M told him that in hindsight, her years with our company wasn’t so bad at all compared to her current company now where she is managing director.

It was a matter of the grass is always greener on the other side, I guess.

I told N that I also feel that discontent sometimes when I feel like the company is being unfair to me. L and I had been chatting as well and she was sending me names of companies that are hiring. I was looking at the job descriptions and nothing excited me. She said, maybe you would like to try something new. I said, I think I’m happy with journalism. And if I want to try something new, it would be data journalism/analytics that’s why I’m going to enroll in a training program for data analytics. Besides, none of the job openings are remote.

OMG, I didn’t realize that remote working is so important to me now, like it’s on top of my criteria. ๐Ÿ™€

During this chat with my Japanese colleague, N, we were talking about our angst about certain things. Then I sent him a photo of me (actually, my laptop) with a swimming pool in the background (the one I took after Christmas). He couldn’t believe I could work by the poolside or by the beach. I said whenever I feel shit about my job, I look at photos like this and tell myself that being able to work anywhere, according to my pace and comfort level, is something I cannot quantify yet. That flexibility as a single parent is very important, I just realized. Being able to turn off my Outlook or ignore it during the weekends is critical that most of us take for granted.

Even though being a journalist means you are always “on”, I can still afford to tune out when I need to.

Being at home to see my children and cook for them is precious. My kids always drag me out of my room to have proper meals with them at the table. It’s important to them.

L told me to just go through interviews, just to see what’s out there and how I compare against industry. Yes, she makes sense. But deep inside I feel it’s too exhausting and would just be wasting my time doing all that when I’m not ready to jump yet. I would know if a job description will click within me.

N said, you are doing good. You are where you’re supposed to be.

I don’t know how to turn off the confusion sown inside my chest. I don’t know how to quiet it down.

I don’t know. This disquiet is fueled by this desire to earn more so maybe if the company grants me the 8-point agenda I sent my bosses, maybe the noise will die down?

Twin A’s bookmark artwork. โค๏ธ Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This morning my thought was “If only I could just continue creating like draw/paint and make things with my hands, maybe I won’t be having this anxiety every Monday morning…”

Again, I don’t know where or how to reach that happy compromise.

Mission accomplished

It was rainy today. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I finally completed the last curtain panel for the living room of my apartment. All of these, as usual, are done by hand (no sewing machine whatsoever). I like to create things with my hands. I made these panels much longer so it can also be used in my tiny house, which has larger windows. I was shifting between finishing the curtains and drawing bookmarks for a few days now so that my mind and hands are occupied.

I like that the living room looks warmer and homey. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The grandma aesthetic (floral curtains) has softened the industrial look of this apartment’s French windows, with all the grills and aluminum screen frame. Once the floral curtains are juxtaposed with the hard clean lines of the black window frames, the pendant lights, and cabinetry of my new home, my home will feel cozier and not very stark in its newness. I will soften the look further with floral throw pillows, art, and books. Lots of art and books.

The grey sofa here is still functional but its upholstery is butt-ugly now because of the cat scratches. I will have it reupholstered in emerald green or chintz and transfer it to my mom’s house because it’s too big for my own house. The red divan will also be reupholstered and be given to my brother and sister-in-law for their gaming room/den because it fits in the nook under the stairs.

Now that I’m done with these floral gina curtains, I proceeded to re-work the muslin curtains and lengthen them for the girls’ room in my house. So of course, my cats want to join.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Another mission accomplished: buying Twin I’s spicy Korean fried chicken from Jjang Kkae. It was rainy and it was so cozy just staying at home but I had to drag my ass our of the house to buy this and some banchan. I also bought a variety of mushrooms for hotpot that i will cook some time this week.

Yum. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I just want to stay in bed all day tomorrow. ๐Ÿ™ƒ Or draw.

I don’t want to work and be an adult tomorrow.

Food and art

I got tired of doing long distance driving every week so I decided to just stay at home today. I’m a simple person and my weekend would have just been equally enjoyable with home cooking and drawing.

And as I promised Twin I, I made bibimbap for brunch. Just as well because I’m trying to get rid of week-old vegetables and left-over beef tapa. I cooked the beef sukiyaki รก la gyudon as part of the bibimbap.

And I made the gojuchang-based sauce that I copied from My Korean Kitchen. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My kids don’t like raw or half-cooked eggs so I just made runny sunny side-up. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My girls approved. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Then we had the charcuterie board delivered this afternoon so we just grazed until evening. The brie cheese quickly disappeared.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Too bad I no longer have wine at home to go with this because I gave my last bottle to my landlady as Christmas gift. But then it’s easy to go to Uno Cinquenta to drink at Cava wine bar, which I did two weeks ago with a friend. I usually go with QC-based friends in Cava to have craft beer there.

My kids are easy to please so as long they have food, they’re fine. They know mommy is tired. After a late afternoon nap, I started drawing again because I suddenly felt my mojo coming back.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
The infamous tree in my hometown, the Fertility Tree. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Sketch on a tiny board. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Was thinking of Winnie the Pooh’s tree. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

Making bookmarks is a good way to practice instead of laboring over my sketch pad. I think I’m having an artist’s block because I am terrified of scale. I even find it difficult to finish a 5×7 sketch or watercolor painting because there’s this internal pressure that it has to be good when I’m barely there yet. This is what happens when you let your skills get buried for 25 years. It lay dormant for so long and now I’m starting from scratch. If only I continued with this non-stop from high school, maybe I would be really good by now.

But then, can I have two art forms at the same time? Something’s got to give and writing is my bread and butter so I have to master it. Life also got in the way.

Oh well.

I need to complete my Holbein half-pans before I leave QC for good. I will miss Art Whale, which is just a bike ride away from my apartment.