My worst enemy

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It’s my mind. I’m on my 9th day confined here in this box. The previous days I have more hours sleeping than awake. However, I have more waking hours now but I can’t spend too much time scrolling through my phone or staying at my computer because it gives me headaches.

So there are moments I just spend staring at the ceiling and walls. And remember.

A few days ago I discovered some stuff that J left behind that I should send back to him. I could just burn them but I have no means to do that here unless I want to burn the whole apartment compound down. I needed to purge him from my life. For my peace. I needed to do this exercise, this act of purging. It’s like this is with finality: I’m done grieving over you. I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I don’t want to remember you, just like when you erased me and pretended I didn’t exist.

I don’t want to die with this bitterness hanging over me. How he treated me like I was just a servant, a sugar mommy, and how I just accepted a small nugget of affection, which I thought was love. In his eyes, if something was wrong it was always my fault. Everything was my fault. I get blamed for so many things even when I tried my very best.

Having lived through Covid gives me a new perspective. Choose people who choose you. I now realize many people love me. They kept sending me food and medicines. They’ve been sending me help. One friend even offered to look after my kids if I’m taken away by the LGU.

I don’t have to beg. I don’t have to fight so hard for it. Love that is not freely given is not worth fighting for. This person, J, is not even worth fighting for. That person is not worth remembering.

For months I’ve grieved for somebody who didn’t even grieve for me. Who never regretted hurting me. I nearly went out of my mind because of somebody who was not even nice to me.

I asked this here one time: if I no longer exist in memory, do I no longer exist? Now I flip it: Yes, if he doesn’t exist in my memory, then he no longer exists. He does not deserve to occupy precious space in my head and heart and I must make more space for more beautiful memories with people who genuinely love me and who would fight for me until the end.

Positive

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I knew all along I was positive for Covid the moment I lost my sense of smell. So when I got the RT PCR result today, it was not a surprise that there it was, in glaring red font, that I was positive for Covid.

So what else to do? Nothing really. I have my teleconsult tomorrow and I will just have to wait for the barangay health officers to contact me. And convince them that home quarantine is the best because viral loads in isolation facilities are higher and I would have to share a room and bathroom with somebody sicker than me. And besides I have zero contact with the rest of the household.

I’m putting too many tablets and capsules into my mouth that I’m fearing for my kidneys. Damn you, Covid.

On my 8th day since my symptoms started. More than 48 hrs without fever. I still get sleepy throughout the day but I’m getting better.

To make matters worse

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My mom is Covid positive. Just today.

She’s suffering from a really nasty flu and she has fever–the works. She initially didn’t want to be tested, saying it was her allergies acting up. But when she started having a fever, my older sister put her foot down and dragged my mom to the hospital to get tested. There you go.

She is fully vaccinated like me but I’m scared for her. She’s 72. I pray that she doesn’t get super weak and that she has no trouble breathing.

A high school classmate who is a nurse in one Metro Pacific hospital in our hometown said there are cases where the patient is fully vaccinated but still succumbed to Covid. That doesn’t sound reassuring. I can’t sleep because I worry about her.

I still don’t have my result. The good news is I’m on the mend; it’s been 24 hrs without fever and headaches. Just weak. My body just wants to sleep. And sleep some more.

Well-meaning friends sent me this. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Some friends sent me boxes and boxes of this TCM. I asked my colleague in Singapore what do these do and she said that’s for respiratory ailment and in China and HK they used it to fight Covid. She said it won’t hurt me. Then ok, I took 4 capsules every 8 hrs. A high school classmate swears by it and he said it was what saved him when he got Covid in June.

I don’t know when this nightmare will end.

The long wait

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So I got tested today (thank you, Zennya, for being prompt and the most affordable home service testing in the market). The result will be sent to me within 24 hrs and then… Kaboom. The nurse who did the checklist with me said I had ticked off all of the symptoms (and that moment I had a slight fever) so it’s like 90% I am positive for Covid.

If I am positive, the lab will inform my barangay and the barangay health officials will check my household. They will see if the kids and my househelp would need to be tested (they should). Considering that the symptoms started with my kids but they recovered.

I would have to be taken away to a government isolation facility for 14 days! If I could convince them that there’s nobody else left to be isolated from since they had been sick already, then maybe I can stay home??? I need to work.

I asked my cousin to drop by and teach my househelp how to withdraw money from the ATM. I gave her my prepaid ATM/debit card so in case I’m carted away by the LGU, they have money for basic necessities. Problem is some decision-making in this household still rests on me. I wonder how they will manage while I’m away.

Covid is tough for single parents. If the parent gets sick, who will look after the children? That’s why daily wage workers don’t want to get tested because as long as they’re not registered as Covid positive, they can still continue working. It’s much harder for single parents because when they’re taken away by the LGU to an isolation facility, who will feed the children?

Such is the plight of the poor with this type of government that doesn’t give a single fuck to such matters.

I lost it

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I lost my sense of smell.

I realized that I lost it when I couldn’t smell my shampoo when I was having a hot shower. I was alarmed because my nose is no longer clogged so I began smelling things all around me. I sprayed all my perfumes and room scents. Nada. I couldn’t smell.

I could taste saltiness but that’s it. My sense of taste is dulled because I couldn’t smell.

I contacted the barangay officials for assistance because 1) it is my civic duty to report that I’m a suspected case and 2) the private home service Covid test that I booked is still pending. Probably demand is so high that I couldn’t even get a slot. Probably I could get better response from Red Cross with the LGU’s assistance.

So far my breathing is ok. My O2 sats are still ok. My fevers have gone down but I have diarrhea and still have those pesky headaches.

I never thought that I would be the end-user of this contraption. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

What worries me is that the protocol now is for single-bathroom households, the patient will be taken to an isolation facility. The girls will be left with just the househelp. How can I also work since chances are the Internet connection there is near-zero? My cousin said I could request to book a hotel that I would pay for so I could work. That could be an option.

But God, please don’t let it be positive. What will happen to my kids while I’m gone?

Rubbish

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The earliest schedule available for home service Covid testing is next week. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Might as well treat my condition as Covid. I haven’t gone out of my room since Tuesday night except for bathroom use and everytime I use it I disinfect it. I still have a fever and headaches. And cough.

It has been 3 days of temperatures like this. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I just do nothing but sleep. Which is fine so that means my mind would not wander off to parts I would never want to revisit again—which caused my immune system to weaken some weeks ago in the first place.

That was pure hell. What I’m feeling right now is nothing compared to what I’ve been through those horrible weeks. So I still should be thankful that I’m still in a good disposition now albeit I have trouble breathing through my clogged nose.

I’ll survive. I’m fully vaccinated. I don’t believe I would need oxygen but I have nasal cannula and pulse oximeter. I need to order an O2 regulator online, just in case.

I’m getting sleepy. Tralalala.