Tag Archives: rebuilding

Self-preservation

Posted on by

Friends and family had been sending messages, greeting me and asking me what my plans for today were. I said I just want to lay down in bed, savor my airconditioned room while the girls are downstairs doing their crafts. Which I did.

However, I had to attend first to my new babies, my plants, and had to water/spritz on water, and make sure there were no caterpillars. Then attend to the cat litter. Other than those chores, I did zero. Ever since our other househelp left, the dishwashing duties, dusting and vacuuming are now assigned to the girls. I really have no reason to get up from my bed because they can take care of themselves now. My ideal day.

Tonkatsu ramen. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

If it weren’t for the kids, I wouldn’t bother with the food. But of course I had to feed them so I ordered ramen from Botejyu via Grab. Yesterday I already ordered 3 tubs of ice cream for the girls and my househelp and a blueberry cheesecake from Conti’s and have them delivered at home while I was having my car checked. Twin I has been singing praises about the cake sent to me last week by a friend so she pestered me about ordering cheesecakes.

So it seems like her prayers had been answered again after I received two cheesecakes today from a good friend from the industry and another from a PR person.

I honestly haven’t had any of the cakes yet. I’m controlling myself. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I have the girls off my hair today since they were busy eating and painting or doing some crafts. Which was lovely as I get to have peace and quiet.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

For dinner, we just had leftovers from yesterday and ham & egg sandwiches. And oh, I was able to revitalize leftover rice from the fridge into fluffy white rice using claypot.

Claypot rice, Ottogi yellow curry with mostly potato, bell pepper and carrots and few meat. My bowl is above the claypot. I limit my rice intake.

Tomorrow I should keep myself wide awake because I will drive the girls to my mom to spend their semestral break there for a week. Then I drive back here tomorrow evening because I have back-to-back calls on Monday.

I’m a year older.

What have I learned from the past 12 months? Last year I was miserable and I took an antidepressant so I can balance all the things I had been juggling without having to dwell on the fact that I felt rotten and spent and that pill kept me from breaking down. I knew I was being treated shabbily but I pushed on, thinking that things might get better if I did more.

But no, you cannot win the love you already lost. Or never had.

Last year on this same day I was so lost and alone. I was the loneliest with J. I was confused why I felt that way. I couldn’t fathom why I was wretchedly unhappy. I felt like I was sinking into an abyss. Like it was my fault that it had come to that.

But I was always gaslighted.

I felt helpless.

I was always dragged around because it was always about him, him, him. What about me? I needed comfort and support too but I didn’t get it because it felt wrong if I asked for kindness and love. I felt neglected and tired. But isn’t it enough that he was there with me?

But no. He wasn’t there with me for quite some time. He was already so far away.

It was unfair. He was unfair. He should have left in June, the time when I felt I lost him. He shouldn’t have used me like that.

I’m in a better place on my birthday this year. I have showered myself with love today by being kind to myself. That for once I am not mommy or a woman who must attend to every whim and caprices of her partner. Friends have sent their support and love to me today. I didn’t have to ask for it.

It hurts just thinking about it now. How could have I been unkind to myself for letting me think that I do not have to feel special and loved? That I should just accept what I had then?

I think my return to my hometown to raise my children is my way of sheltering myself from being hurt again like that. You don’t know how much J killed me everyday for several months, especially after that thing with that kid in my circle. What’s worse is everyone knows that by now. And my friends explained to me, in my drunken stupor, that J was chasing her so he can tap into her network, which she doesn’t have. As if she can summon conglomerate owners and C-level people to talk to him like I was able to do for him. As my friends said, why would he go for someone like her when clearly she didn’t have anything on you except youth? “Sex maybe?” I answered in my alcohol-fueled raspy voice. Being infront of the camera doesn’t mean you are the best there. It just so happened a lot of them in that network left (the network is not doing that great) and they had to promote people from within. After one year or less as a researcher, she became an on-cam reporter because she was there. Of course J doesn’t know that; he just probably thought that being on cam she would have more clout, my friends said.

It’s only during my Covid isolation that I firmed up my decision that I should make some drastic changes so I can never let anybody kill me like that again. Now I am beginning to realize that I am retreating from the world by returning to my hometown and will be embracing spinsterhood. My hometown is a small world and there is less chance for me to get involved with someone else because I know everyone there.

Once I uproot ourselves here, that signals that I have finally closed the door. I will start building a fort around me on top of that duplex that I just have drawn plans for. Yes I would still have a queen-sized bed but that is all to myself. Yes, I will be traveling more frequently by next year because of my job and meet a lot of people but I will never ever let anyone near me again like I had let J. It will all be distancia, amigo.

That is how I will love myself–self preservation. At 42 years old, I don’t think I can waste more years and energy again for somebody who never thought I was precious and never put me on a pedestal like the way I did with him.

I cannot afford to be that unhappy anymore. Life is too short.

NOTES FROM GROUND ZERO | Of tuba and dried fish–or the lack thereof in the coming months

Posted on by

MARABUT, Samar – Coconut trees that once stood proudly on the mountains at the southern tip of Samar island were strewn all over the barren landscape like matchsticks after Typhoon ‘Yolanda’ went island hopping in central Philippines last month.

Most coastal towns in Samar and Leyte affected by the worst typhoon that has hit the country rely on fishing and copra for livelihood. Along with their houses, the fishermen and coconut farmers also lost their fishing boats and hectares upon hectares of coconut trees.

Nothing is left of the coconut plantation (Marabut, Samar)

Engr. Judarico V. Sabit, Marabut’s municipal planning and development coordinator, said their town would not be short of coco lumber to build homes again but the problem is the lack of machine to cut down the trees. He said representatives of the Philippine Coconut Authority (PCA) have visited the area to see the state of the local industry after the typhoon ravaged the plantations.

“Ipapa-slice [ng PCA] yung mga [puno] ng niyog para gawing make-shift na bahay ng may-ari [ng mga puno],” Sabit said.

Given the extent of the damage to the plantations, Marabut is proposing to PCA to replace all the coconuts, standing or not,

Aside from fishing and copra, this town is also relying on tuba–a kind of coconut wine, which I haven’t tried yet–for livelihood.

Coconut farmers and fishermen augment their meager incomes with rice and rootcrops like cassava, gabi (yam), and banana. Save for the rootcrops, all the others have perished in the typhoon.

According to a November 20 press release from the Department of Agriculture:

“PCA has already committed 300 chains saw to be used for clearing operations. Each equipment will require two operators to be paid P300 each per day. A portable saw-mill will also be moved to the PCA yard in Tacloban.”

It’s tough if you’re poor. In Catbalogan, we were told of stories of families belonging to the middle class being able to escape the inhuman conditions in Tacloban and other neighboring towns via their own vehicles or paying for any other means of land transportation. Of Chinese businessmen calling up private choppers or what-have-you to airlift them out of the area. Of people with broken windshields, willing to pay P500/L just to be able to get out of the post-typhoon misery.

But what about those who cannot afford to even buy nails to fix their homes and are sleeping under canvasses?

Poblacion, Marabut, Samar

People of Marabut are left with nothing to pick up pieces of their lives. About 90 percent of the fishing boats here were lost. On the first week after ‘Yolanda’ hit, representatives from the Bureau of Fisheries and Aquatic Resources (BFAR) have come to the area to check the damage wrought by the typhoon but they have yet to hear whether they would be given new boats to help them get back on their feet.

“Walang trabaho, walang income. Syempre yung inaasahan mo nawala,” Sabit told me. “Kahit maliit ang nakukuha pero kung mahal ang bayad, narerecover din. Pero ito [after ‘Yolanda’]–wala.”

He said that each pump boat costs P15,000 but that is for the cost of the body only, without the motor. Paddle boats cost P2,000 but that can only be used in weaving in and out of mangrove areas and not suitable for fishing in deeper areas. Fishing nets cost P20,000 each unit.

At those prices, going back to fishing almost seemed impossible for Marabut fishermen.

“Nagbigay na ang DA dati ng motorized banca, bago dumating yung bagyo. Tapos bumagyo…” Sabit said in a voice that betrayed his inner thought: “Sayang!”.

My husband, who grew up in Catbalogan, talked to a kababayan manufacturer of fiberglass pumpboats and said fiberglass boats can be made for P10,000 only, whereas boats made from marine plywood cost P15,000 to make. The boatmaker said the ones made of fiberglass last much longer than the wooden versions.

This boatmaker confided that he already saw the specifications set by the government but “they were all wrong”, based from his professional wisdom. That’s why he would rather make boats for the private groups who would want to donate to fellow Warays than follow the government specs.

There are kind-hearted private groups out there who are now raising funds to help these fishermen get boats.

Post-script:

MANILA, December 16 – A member of the Economic Journalists Association of the Philippines (EJAP) has been talking with BFAR about the distribution of pumpboats. He said BFAR cannot accept private money donations but can direct donors to non-government organizations that can help make and distribute these boats. According to the agency, the boats will be made in SOCCSKSARGEN ( South Cotabato, Cotabato, Sultan Kudarat, Sarangani and General Santos City) area then the NGOs will help identify the areas for distribution.