To fight another day

“Courage will now be your best defence against the storm that is at hand-—that and such hope as I bring.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
Gandalf

I had sent messages to older friends who were high ranking government officials, CEOs, and VPs who were imprisoned during martial law. I asked for forgiveness, said sorry and that I never thought I would see another Marcos presidency.

One of them said:

Hi CallMeCreation. Thank you for your touching note. Life is just the way it is. We fight a good fight, sometimes we lose and sometimes we win. The important thing is we don’t lose the will to fight. To fight for a better future. Am pretty sure those who stood with their conviction during Martial law understand that it will be a continuing advocacy for a better PH. Thanks again.”

The other one said: There’s nothing to forgive. We just need to continue to help our country.

My tears couldn’t stop flowing. This is the only election that I was emotionally invested in and the only one I truly cared about because it is pivotal. Now we are on our road to hell.


I just attended a briefing on private equity deals in Southeast Asia this morning. The speaker said (paraphrased):

The Philippines has never been the first port of call when it comes to private equity deals (compared to Singapore, Indonesia). As for the impact of the latest political developments on FDI, FFI…your guess is as good as mine.

This is as bad as it gets. The other webinar I attended this afternoon was about renewable energy in Southeast Asia and of course they had to discuss the Philippine market. The panelists had an embarrassed laugh of some sort and one of them said, “There’s a new president now but he’s not exactly new as they had been controlling the Philippines for years now…” and then they said they do not know in what direction the policies will go.

Well, because he doesn’t have any platform. He doesn’t have any plans. Nothing.

And today the Philippines received its first investment downgrade. It would soon be a series of downgrades.

Screenshot of the PSE today.

Even the Philippine Stock Exchange couldn’t handle the madness today. The market fell 3% at some point today and is now in bear territory (I think). The website crashed and for an hour it was like that.

My siblings (two economists) and I were chatting about the macroeconomic implications and my sister asked what is the possibility of us entering stagflation.

I said:

There are too many headwinds. The companies are holding out on expansion, no growth seen in the private sector. The companies we interviewed said there are new orders, no new product launches, only core products. They’re holding cash because that’s the one they will use to buy raw materials as it is risky to borrow for capex due to climbing interest rates. We are heading for stagflation. Liquidity is the best policy. This is why I’m not buying a new car and will just have the Crosswind have cosmetic repairs since it’s not the best time to have a mortgage. I don’t know how long the BSP can keep keep its monetary policy stance when the USTr is rising, the peso is weakening.

Good luck to Filipino consumers because of the high commodity prices in the world market…palm oil, grains…because of supply chain disruptions. Even if you keep importing rice to lower the cost to fulfill BBM’s campaign promise of PHP 20/kilo rice, you have to remember we’re not the world’s biggest importer of rice (ergo we cannot dictate the price)—it’s China and it’s hoarding supplies. The run up in palm oil prices is a result of the protectionist stance of Indonesia because they banned palm oil exports to keep local prices stable. All countries are being protectionist now due to supply issues.

Soon there will be capital flight.

This is scary. The vote for Leni is not just for ego and not just to fight Marcos’ evil reign. It is also the fight for investor confidence, better macroeconomic policies.

It’s just so sad that all the things I fought for all my life have come to naught. I taught high school students in Mindoro so they can enter UP, climbed mountains in Batangas to fight for farmers’ lands, climbed mountains for indigenous people so they can have a better shot in life… Cambridge Analytica, Facebook, and Tiktok took that all away.

It’s exhausting.

Many will lose their jobs, many will go hungry. But of course, they do not understand the implications of what they did. You tried to explain to them, but then they just have thrown dirt at your face and accuse you of elitism and “respect my opinion” shit.

Now they’re bringing you down with them.

It was a struggle editing today. I cried. I slept. Tried to finish tasks at hand. I need a mental health break (because you know, heartbreak is heartbreak) but I can’t because I’m a manager and I can’t just be a wuss.

I worked through my heartbreak for 15 months. How many heartbreaks can I take? How much more can I endure? How many dark tunnels must I walk through?

Whenever I get upset, I go back to my favorite books for comfort.

‘But in the end it’s only a passing thing, this shadow; even darkness must pass.’ – Samwise Gamgee

J.R.R. Tolkien
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

How?

This is like 18 Dec 2020 all over again.

How to go on? I can’t see clearly, it’s like walking through a very dark tunnel and no light at the end yet. It’s like there’s no end.

We are going to be Sri Lanka.

It’s really, really painful right now. I kept waking every hour. My head is splitting. I can’t work. I need to escape somewhere and collect myself.

My sister is leaving the country soon. The reality is I can’t. I need to be home to take care of my mom.

I can’t see my future. It’s very dark. My poor children. 😔

And I cry

We’ve done everything we could. It’s just that… There are too many people swayed by “fake news” and believe the lies.

My kids want to apply for passports now. Said we need to visit one target country.

My banker source said we need to stay. We fight.

Let me cry first tonight. This country is breaking my heart. Over and over and over. It’s hard to love you, Philippines. My heart is tired.

Why? Why do I keep fighting for you? Why do I keep holding on to something that is visibly not worth fighting for? Happened to me in 2019-2020, still happening now. Should I just let go? It seems like you don’t want to help yourself. You continue romancing the corrupt, inept, and evil beings and yet I continued to have faith that somehow you will see the light.

But no, it’s a lost cause. My children seem to have no future in you.

Love, thy will be done

A poem by Martika made into a song by Prince.

My anxiety and heartbreak over the mess that is today’s national elections is something I should manage by ignoring news altogether.

But the mess today (“dysfunctional” voting machines, manual counting, etc) opens doors for Marcos and Duterte to cheat. A lot of people have reported—nationwide—of the same things. Reports of vote-buying by their camp are also rampant.

Video of vote-buying in Iloilo posted on FB by a concerned netizen

I’m letting go of this anxiety and let God’s will be done.

Love thy will be done.

I cannot control such things happening right now. It is causing me so much sleepless nights the past few days. My country has given me so much heartbreak and is pushing me to seek my fortune elsewhere. But then my love for it is pulling me to stay. Who will be left to love and defend it?

Love thy will be done.

It’s no longer in my hands. It’s His now.

In solidarity

Leni x Kiko Grand Rally at Ayala cor Paseo de Roxas at 6 pm. Photo by Roby Alampay via Twitter

Since I knew it’s going to be difficult with kids in tow, we opted to have a biking campaign around the village and UP campus.

Washing our bikes. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

First we washed our bikes and oiled them. We went to the vulcanizing shop and bike shop to change the interior tube of Twin A’s front wheel.

In solidarity with the people in Makati. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Rested here for a bit. Then the girls did some speed biking until it was too dark to do it. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Water break. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Something’s wrong with the gear shifter in Twin A’s bike so I’m going to have it replaced tomorrow before we bike to another venue.

We had dinner at Rodic’s near Bahay ng Alumni. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

We were looking for the street food vendor near Oblation but it was already very dark and we couldn’t see them. We proceeded to Rodic’s near Bahay ng Alumni and had a quick dinner. The ambulant vendor-kid there was appealing to us to buy his heavy rice-based snacks. I felt bad so I bought one and I gave it to the other kid who was begging for food. Then the vendor-kid gave me Leni stickers. I gave him more money in exchange for the stickers.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

We went around the community this afternoon and evening with this.

Screencap of a video by a friend.

I wanted to be there but as a mother of asthmatic kids, I cannot compromise their health by contracting Covid. I hope they’re all safe.

Yesterday, National Artist for Music Ryan Cayabyab initiated a flash mob at PowerPlant Mall in Rockewell. I am loving that artists are lending their talent for Leni.

As the ball-less misogynists lick their wounds…

…a gentleman calls out these dickheads.

I really, really wanted to do house to house campaigning but my number one duty as a Filipino is to abide by journalism ethics. I have to restrain myself like the rest of my colleagues. We can express our political leanings but we cannot actively campaign for any personality as part of our sworn duty to be fair and just.

Speaking of journalists and elections, I just attended this webinar by Twitter for us journalists and the measures they put it place to prevent manipulation of the political discourse by preventing trolls/certain political candidates with well oiled machinery to manipulate public opinion (hello, Facebook!). Since this is a private webinar, I cannot disclose the things they have shared with us except for those they have already shared with the public such as 300 Marcos-related accounts (i.e. troll farms) taken down. This active policing of tweets has incensed Elon Musk so much that he is busy with his hostile takeover bid for Twitter. He is angry that Twitter is muzzling freedom of speech. Well Elon, if you go by Facebook, which has destroyed the Philippines, then I wish you just go to Mars and stay there. Don’t be an instrument in destroying democracies like ours.

Mr Musk has said he believes Twitter is limiting freedom of speech on the platform and he reiterated this at the Vancouver event. He has said his primary motivation would be to expand free speech – a US Constitutional right – on Twitter.

BBC.com

Was busy today with admin work that I barely had time time to edit and no time for writing three stories that I must finish until Wednesday. Because on Thursday, we will be leaving here at 5 am so that we would be in Anilao at around 7:30 am so we can dive early!!! Then work I start working at 10 am.

My head is pounding now, damn this headache. My psychiatrist’s secretary has not yet confirmed my schedule. I think this is a withdrawal symptom from stopping alprazolam ahead of schedule. I keep forgetting to take that thing. Maybe because I’ve been very calm the past few weeks that I keep forgetting that I still have to cure my anxiety. I haven’t been triggered since March and that’s a good thing and I hope it stays this way.

This is what I get for giving too much of myself to a man who doesn’t deserve me. Never again. Yeah, I’m hormonal right now and I’m angry again.

Meanwhile, aside from art, my other sources of serotonin are:

Making our rooms cuter by installing shades to make the lighting cozier. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My gallery wall. Look at the cat on the stairs on the upper part of the photo 😄 Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Simple things.

I’m running out of places to put my frames.

I don’t feel well. Good night.