Fresh veggies everyday. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Went on my usual weekly vegetable run after work. I’m a stronger cyclist now compared to when I started as I can pedal up on a slope/incline without shifting down gears to granny level. I still find myself chasing my breath when I get near the Registrar’s Office to drink from my water bottle. At least I make fewer stops now.
The essentials when cycling at dusk: bike lights (at the handle bars and at the back) and bell. Because cyclists are invisible to pedestrians and motorists alike. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I’m taking it one day at time. My journey out of this grief is slow. I tried to hurry it up earlier but it led to disastrous results. I made an ass of myself (kinda like that song “Without Me” by Claire Marlow). I will get there. Just like meeting the setting sun at the end of University Avenue. I will get there…
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa Diyos Maliwanag na rin, heto na’t parating Matatapos din ang pagsubok na ito
I don’t hate you No, I couldn’t if I wanted to I just hate all the hurt that you put me through And that I blame myself for letting you Did you know I already knew?
Couldn’t even see you through the smoke Looking back I probably should have known But I just wanted to believe that you were out sleeping alone
Loved me with your worst intentions Didn’t even stop to question Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
Loved me with your worst intentions Painted us a happy ending Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
And it’s so gut wrenching Falling in the wrong direction
On my tiptoes But I still couldn’t reach your ego Guess I was crazy to give you my body, my mind Don’t know what I was thinking till now
Everyone thinks that you’re somebody else You even convinced yourself
Couldn’t even see you through the smoke Looking back I probably should have known But I just wanted to believe that you were out sleeping alone
Loved me with your worst intentions Didn’t even stop to question Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
Loved me with your worst intentions Painted us a happy ending Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
And it’s so gut wrenching Falling in the wrong direction
How did you sweep me right off my feet? Baby I can’t keep falling in the wrong direction How did you sweep me right off my feet? Right off my feet
Couldn’t even see you through the smoke Looking back I probably should have known But I just wanted to believe that you were out sleeping alone
Loved me with your worst intentions Didn’t even stop to question Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
Loved me with your worst intentions Painted us a happy ending Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
And it’s so gut wrenching Falling in the wrong direction
Sunken Garden, UP Diliman. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My world has gotten smaller and smaller. I barely get out of 5km radius of my home. I only get to see a glimpse of the outside world when I ride my bike, like yesterday. Just to get a glimpse of the sunset. To get out of my head.
January was too long for me. I guess February is the same. I’m a prisoner of this pandemic. I’m a prisoner of my mind as well. I want to escape. I want to be very far away from here.
Fruit shake. A simple treat while I rest before going back home. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The one thing to look forward to in my excursions is this 16 oz fruit shake. My world has been reduced to that.
Next week I want to go on a social media hiatus because everything will have Valentine’s Day ads. Not that I really celebrate it but this time it’s really painful. Two years ago we were in Hong Kong and on V-day we hiked to Victoria Peak to see the sunset. We took the ferry on the way to Kowloon and it was cold. He was so sweet at that time. Had dinner in some hole-in-the-wall restaurant there in Kowloon and took the last train ride back to Sai Ying Pun.
I’m a prisoner of my mind. I want to get away from here. I want to erase the memories.
My little girl told me, “Mommy, we will be your date on V-day.” Yes, my darling daughters. My heart may have been ripped out of me but you are there to help fill the void. I may even grow a new heart because of you, my angels.
As Dory the Blue Tang in Finding Nemo said, you just keep swimming. When shit hits the fan, just keep swimming. When the sky collapses on you, just keep swimming. Because you need to live. Because the world will not stop.
So to keep me from dwelling on the past, I just have to keep busy. Use my hands, occupy my brain, prevent myself from thinking.
Growing food from food scraps and seedlings. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I revived my derelict container garden that is growing vegetables from food scraps and seedlings.
Growing lettuce seedlings. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I had been recycling egg crates, Coke bottles, and milk cartons to grow vegetables. Because they require more work, I embraced recycling to the hilt. To keep me occupied.
My sad bird of paradise. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I neglected this bird of paradise the past month–because you know, I was hardly a nurturing creature that time. Good thing it didn’t completely die. Just half of its leaves dried out; good thing there’s a new leaf bud there and the sucker below isn’t completely dead and hollowed out.
Breakfast. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I still get to cook on weekends. Weekday is just packed and I don’t have the strength to do it since I try to bike to UP every other day. Need to keep fit and lose weight. A lot of weight. To prove to the world I am so worth it and he is a fucking idiot. I may no longer be young but I am still so worth it.
So I just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. I need to drown out memories.
National Science Complex, UP Diliman. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
This is the first time I’ve been here for months. We used to have our daily walks here during the lockdown. Most of the time it was just the two of us here. We walked around past Math, Chem (where we rescued the cats), around the observatory. We used to see sheep roaming around and sometimes when we passed by them, we could smell the stench of those animals.
Another angle. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
It was at this same hour we would be having those walks. To have a bit of “fresh” air. We used to watch the birds flit from branches. There were colorful birds that hopped on the grass, enjoying the absence of humans. Dogs past Math used to bark at us savagely. We still used to hold hands then… Before everything went south. Or was he pretending then because he didn’t have a choice since he was stuck because of the lockdown?
And if I would erase memories, I would be conflicted about erasing those memories here in Science Complex. Just like Joel in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, he suddenly didn’t want those memories erased. But the process has begun to wipe out Clementine.
How do we live with memories? I don’t know… I have this uncanny ability of wiping out memories. I have done it many times, especially when it hurt so bad. My cousin and my sis-in-law had to remind me of a very important but painful memory that was the biggest warning sign that I shouldn’t have gotten married 13 years ago. It was completely blocked out of my mind; I had no recollection of it but they told it was real and that it happened.
In the movie Eternal Sunshine, the one doing the erasing is a laboratory. In real life, I am the Lacuna Inc, I can do it on my own. The question is, do I want everything wiped out?
Studies about memories suggest that false memories can be implanted. What I am doing right now is I’m doing the reverse. I am erasing memories, especially the painful ones, by supplanting it with new ones until the original memory fades away.
Marikina River park. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The last time I was at the Marikina River Park was so painful. He wanted to bike and I served as a chauffer. During the entire time, he didn’t want to talk to me, hold my hand or anything. He just wanted to ride his bike, be over and done with it. I felt so abandoned and lonely. I was confused why I felt that way.
Then later that night in his condo, while I was cleaning, he was testy, like he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. I asked him why was he treating me that way. He probably felt guilty so he tried to console me. But it was hollow. Driving home, I felt really sad and lonely. I knew something was really wrong. Later that week we broke up.
Marikina River Park. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I am now erasing that memory of Marikina River Park. It was just too painful. Like I didn’t amount to anything.
I will supplant it with memories of me and my girls. Today we just went there to do just that.
If only I could do that to every painful memory I have of him. Which was quite a lot.
Come to think of it, it’s quite unfair that I get to suffer like this while he is happy and free when I was the one who sacrificed the world for us. For him.
I wish I could do an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and just erase memories. To the point that he never existed. To spare me of this anger and pain. I hope I won’t be like Joel in the movie, who fought to keep the memories and the pain rather than lose them while the erasing process was being done.
Maybe it’s better to have memories of having loved but in pain than not have loved at all? I don’t know. Come back to me in 10 years and ask me that again.
Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
