My kids and I welcomed 2023 with our neighbors and we shared sparklers, fountains and fire crackers.
My girls enjoyed the evening, which was capped by viewing the fireworks of central QC from our neighbor’s roofdeck.
So for 2023, we will be embarking on a new adventure… Sort of. We’re going back to the place where my girls were born and where I grew up. Very familiar ground and yet it’s full of uncertainties. I will be in danger of making my world smaller because I will be back to my old stomping grounds. I’m in danger of regressing and throttling the growth that I had painstakingly nurtured. I’m scared of stunting.
But I’m doing this for my kids. They will benefit from growing up in a more protected and unpolluted environment. They’re now the priority, it’s no longer about me.
I say, I need to go forward, march to the tune of the band, and hope for the best. This new year will be a transition period for me, not only because I’m moving houses; I feel there’s a bigger shift that’s going to happen. I don’t know what exactly that is.
I’m out of therapy for 6 months now and 2023 will be a new start for me. I’ve been held back for two years and it was like I was loitering around purgatory longer than I should.
What will I be targeting to do this year?
More diving; it will be easier since travel time will be cut because I would already be in the south
Learn kiteboarding in Boracay
Go to Moalboal or Coron
Go surfing in Siargao, La Union, Zambales, or Baler.
Go camping again with my kids either in Caliraya again or Tanay, Rizal
Prepare for travel to Morocco or Spain in 2024; in the meantime I will bring my kids and mom to Singapore since it’s the easiest place when I have a brood to herd.
Travel to the Bangkok, Hi Chi Minh, and Phnom Penh for work.
Push for promotion of my two or three reporters
Build my small homestead
Start court proceedings for my annulment as I’m already out of therapy. I can finally battle it out in court
Twin I finally bought her acoustic guitar that she has been wishing for half a year. She saved up her weekly allowance and her Christmas money and deposited everything in her Maya e-wallet/bank account. She had applied for a Maya debit card and got it a week or two ago. Today she proudly used her very own debit card to purchase her guitar.
I was the one who chose the guitar (a mid-priced Fernando) and it sounded good, even better than the RJ guitar I tried at the Guitar Center in Mall of Asia.
After the guitar business, we went to Farmers Market to buy fruits and veggies for tonight’s media noche feast. I’m supposed to grill some marinated porkchops later.
Then off we went to buy sparklers/fireworks. Over PHP 2000 worth of them.
Of course, for maximum noise, we bought horns for the three of us.
Went back to Gateway Mall where we parked to buy a cake from Conti’s. However, they ran out of cakes. 😑
They have already outgrown their new clothes–even if the ones we bought already had been one size bigger–only a few months after we bought them. 🥴 We culled the clothes that no longer fit (and there were a lot) and I realized that we needed to buy new of everything, from underwear to pants.
So went clothes shopping again today.
We just took Grab because my car was stuck in the garage because our neighbor’s other car was behind it and the entire family was out. There was no way I can get it out. Good thing that traffic was light; it only took us 10-15 mins from our apartment to the nearest SM.
I told my mom a few days ago about this constant growth spurts and said, “Oh yes. That stage where children are growing like blow-up balloons.” Her tone was like “glad I’m no longer in your shoes haha.”
I’m so thankful that I can provide for their needs as a solo parent. I get zero financial help from their dad.
THIS! This!
I’m just thankful I survived this year, just like I did in 2021, when I was just holding on. This year was a vast improvement over 2021 but it was still a struggle. I had to confront so much trauma to the point I had to continue taking tranquilizers to stabilize my trauma-induced anxiety. So that I could sleep. Staying weekends by the seaside and by the forest (my hometown) helped adjust my body clock as well. I had so much unpacking to do the entire 2022.
I remember in December 2020, around this time (specifically, I wrote on 26th of December) that I don’t know where I was going, but it’s ok.
It’s ok not to know what’s at the end of the bridge. For me it’s the journey over the bridge that’s most important. Make every little thing count. Enjoy the beauty in the simplest things: Preparing meals for my family. Watching sunsets. Watching the sunlight being filtered by my bedroom curtain while I am tucked between the sheets. Hearing my children’s squeals of laughter. Being by the sea and under the sea. Going up hills and mountains. Walking among flowers in Hitachi. Going to onsens. Taking hours-long train rides to somewhere. Discovering the best teppanyaki in the middle of nowhere in rural Japan. Walking around UP Diliman campus. Petting my cats. Sipping coffee in a coffee shop while I write or watch people. Writing.
Two years after, my words still hold true. I don’t know where I’m going but it’s ok. I am enjoying the simplest things still. I am enjoying the domesticity and at the same time I am still excited by my work: meeting new people, being challenged intellectually, and learning new things everyday. I’m not getting rich but I have more than enough. At least I have a home now and building more permanence for my kids. I am giving them a sense of belonging, like a warm hug that greets you every time you come home from roaming around. So that they will have roots and something to anchor them when they drift away from me someday. Even when I’m gone, they will still have a home and it’s theirs. No one can take that away from them. They will have always somewhere to come home to when they need to hide and lick their wounds and retrace their steps back into the wide world.
I wrote on 27 December that my simple dream was to build a small house or a cottage by the sea.
Anyway, I still hold that dream of living small by the sea. I’ve always wanted to live by the sea or by the mountains (I grew up by the foot of Mt. Makiling so it makes sense). Since I was a child, we always went to the beach at least once a year. My love for the sea is coupled with my interest in snorkeling and now freediving.
I never wanted to live in a big house. I’m a simple provinciana girl who just wants to manage a small but comfortable household; a small homestead growing our own food and keeping a few animals. I want to live sustainably. A cottage by the sea is perfect. I never tire of sunsets by the sea; it’s one of the most beautiful things to witness in life. Staring at the horizon, wondering what’s beyond it. Hearing the splash of water against the shore is calming at night, rocking me to sleep.
I am fulfilling that dream now. It’s not by the sea, though, but it can come later. At least I have checked that one item on my list. One step at a time.
This year I rediscovered that I could still draw. I wish the circumstances were different, of how I went back to it but…oh well. 🤷♀️
Am I healed? Not yet, I guess. I’m still angry. But I’m healthier in a way that I no longer get triggered (*fingers crossed*). I haven’t cried since February. And I promised myself I never will cry over that person. Ever.
So this year I climbed the ladder. Do I want it? I don’t know. Well, the pay raise was nice but I’m still severely underpaid compared to peers in the same position (thank you, ex-boss, for suppressing me like that). I’m still fighting for it, though. Let’s see how I can push the envelope this coming review.
What will I do next year? I don’t know.
I just need to keep happy, healthy, and sane. Everything else will follow.
Say what you want about my old apartment that needs upgrades, but I love being home. I arrived yesterday at around 2 am and slept at around past 3 because I had to unload a lot of stuff from my bags—mostly dirty clothes. I tried working at 9 am, write some emails, coordinate some stories and had to attend a two-hour training session for bureau chiefs. Generally, I was floating and could not be as productive as I wanted to be. My sleep has been light and I was aching all over.
While I attended this online training session, I was booking my Zennya home massage. I went straight for the 2-hr session, so right after the training concluded, I immediately transformed my room into a spa. For the same price as a 30-minute foot massage in Singapore, I was able to have a blissful 2-hour massage in the comfort of my own room (including tip). A few minutes after my therapist left, I zonked out. I guess it must have been just around past 10 pm.
The key here is to grin and bear it and not be tempted by instant gratification. The 1 hr and 45 mins in the hot baths in Yunomori Onsen last Saturday did wonders for me for SGD 40, but paying SGD 115 SGD for a 60-min back massage was too much. I held back.
Anyway, the 2-hr massage last night allowed me to have a peaceful sleep—well generally peaceful sleep, except for a dream that I had that I was preparing for a freediving session…
I’m a bit more productive today. Contributed to two stories and some admin work here and there. I had regained my old rhythm and cooked chicken rice on my Instant Pot. I missed chicken rice as I didn’t have time and strength to go to Maxwell last week.
My friend, B, sent an SOS to me when I was about to leave SG on Monday. I said I will meet her in Makati later within this week if I can, depending on how I was feeling physically.
I always choose the earliest flight so I can maximize my day. In any case, I can sleep at the terminal and in the plane.
Before arriving at Changi Airport, I topped up my Starhub via app. No need to bother myself with looking for a convenience store, which I did since 2014. Then finally Starhub launched a wonky app in 2018-2019 so I could do everything online.
Then I got robbed by UOB at their money exchange kiosk in T1. Their exchange rates at the airport is nuts! PHP 11k for only SGD 239! I may have to use my credit cards more. Annoying.
Here is the worst part. My Dizo phone is not working here in Singapore. I bought this so I can use my Smart SIM so I can receive my OTPs for online banking and other transactions. And damn it, it’s not working. I didn’t check that it’s only capable of 2G, which I think Singapore has already retired.
I was forced to buy a new base model Oppo (A17 = 4GB RAM, 64GB ROM) from Challenger @Jewel because I cannot NOT have my Smart SIM dysfunctional. I will just pass this on to Twin I when I come back (since hers is only 3GB, 32GB ROM) and I will use her old phone for my travels. I just need the SMS capabilities of a phone for an OTP.
OMG, I promised that I will not spend so much here but here I am…
I found Holbein, Rembrandt, Schmicke, some Russian brands, and Old Holland. I held back and reminded myself that I just spent SGD 229 on a cellphone because of my idiocy.
Sleepy. Big day tomorrow…Awards night in the evening. And there are only two journos. What am I going to do? How will I stretch myself. Better get some sleep.
Today the girls had hung out with their two friends in UP. While I did my walking exercise, I let them roam around by themselves.
But before that we had a hearty meal as I grilled marinated porkchops. Because it was sunny.
After we cleaned up, we fetched classmate #1 from their apartment nearby then we met classmate #2 at the College of Engineering where her parents parked.
When I was on my second loop, I met my ex-boss/ex-editor who was also exercising with his son. He caught me chatting on my phone while walking and he asked, what’s that, work? I said, yeah, one of my sources was asking me a lot of questions about xxx because xxx is yyyy. We chatted for a bit and he said we should meet with other ex-colleagues before Christmas.
We ate at Snack Shack after and drove friend #1 back home. My girls were happy, that’s all that matters.
Meanwhile, Kimchi finally used the cat tower.
I was about to give up on it and was thinking of disassembling it to Frankenstein the other scratching post. Good that she tried it now.
I want to go back to drawing again after watching videos and scrolling through the IG accounts of @shoreditchsketcher and @mysquiggles. Perhaps tomorrow.
Live/create the life that you want on weekends, not escape the life that you have on weekdays.