Category Archives: christianity

Bag hag

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Whenever I’m here in Singapore, I attend church at Every Nation (the international chapter of Victory in PH where I used to go) at Vivo City (Golden Village). Yes, the movie theater. Because that place can accommodate a lot of people. This morning was the first time I attended church in 5 years and it was overwhelming that I couldn’t help tearing up during praise and worship. I had my head bowed at that time since I had been wiping my face with my handkerchief.

I stayed away for too long. My anger at the pastors at Victory was so great that I let it get in the way of my spiritual growth. It was their misogyny that pushed me down and caused me to turn my back on God. They let Filipino machismo talk instead of counseling me according to the Word; it pounded me down to the ground. It was my fault, they said, that my marriage fell apart. I should have soothed the ex-husband’s ego because I’m a high profile media person. Basically, what they’re saying is that I should make myself small for somebody who doesn’t want to grow up.

I’m still trying to reconcile this hurt and anger with church-going. I don’t think I can go back to Victory either in Katipunan or LB. They did a lot of damage to me. Because of them, I always thought that I was in the wrong; I was evil and that I was going to break the family apart.

The answer and healing came through science. The real answer was that the ex-husband has narcissistic personality disorder. Disorder—-my shrink told me a disorder is incurable, but it can be managed. As an empath, I will literally die if I continued to live with someone with NPD. As I was telling my friend L last night, he sucked the life out of me for almost 20 years. Narcs use the energy of empaths to feed their need for dominance and extreme ego, just like vampires. Or the Nazgul in LoTR or the dementors in Harry Potter. They chase away all the joy that is left in your heart.

So L told me she understands why there is this incurable need for me to be alone and shun connections and people. I told her, I never had enough headspace for myself. I couldn’t even hear myself for 20 years. As an empath, all my energy was sucked out by people who surrounded me: the narc of an ex-husband and the equally self-centered ex-partner J who only wanted to receive but didn’t give.

I told L that I needed to live inside myself for a while. This introversion is my form of healing; a time to listen to myself because it has always been other people’s welfare and happiness that I worked on. I dismissed myself.

On a related note, because of this living inward and discovering myself/self-love, I treated myself to a shopping spree at Vivo City.

Bags! Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Guess? was 50% off at Tangs and the standalone Desigual shop at Vivo City was having a 50% off as well. I checked Zalora PH for the current prices back home and that decided my fate. I shopped. Then I bought the girls some cute lunch bags that can fit their thermos and new lunch boxes.

I’m such a bag hag. I’ve known that for quite some time now.

So the bags I brought with me go now inside the luggage…

I applied body lotion on the leather straps and body (for the Hush Puppies handbag) before putting them inside their dust bags. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My Michael Kors bag is older than my daughters. It’s already showing its age (the lower part is getting rubbed against my clothes) and the friction is causing some blemish to the fabric. I should also be careful with the frequency of having this dry cleaned because the chemicals are harsh on fabric. I couldn’t use this regularly in Manila because this tote bag doesn’t have a zipper: all my stuff inside would be very accessible to shifty hands. It costs more than the salary of some editors I know so I always store it in its silken dust bag with lots and lots of desiccants inside to absorb moisture.

I also learned from Buddy Tan (the owner of Blackwing Shoes) that I should apply body lotion on leather bags and straps because they will start cracking, like our own skin, when it’s not moiturized. He said his mother-in-law had her housemaid apply body lotion and massage the bags regularly to keep them in tiptop shape. He told me I should avoid the leather conditioners and oils (like mink) sold commercially because these make the leather ultra moist that could also contribute to the weakening of the leather itself if not used correctly. He said use them sparingly and I would be better off with my body lotions. “If it’s good enough for your skin, then it’s good for your bags’ skins too,” he said.

I’m tempted to go back to Tangs, probably in Orchard, to check out other styles…No, I should leave myself some room for shoes, which I prefer to buy back home. From the local shoemakers in Marikina.

Ah, the bag hag strikes again.

And to think I still have two Kate Spades inside my closet that I rarely use…

Love, thy will be done

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A poem by Martika made into a song by Prince.

My anxiety and heartbreak over the mess that is today’s national elections is something I should manage by ignoring news altogether.

But the mess today (“dysfunctional” voting machines, manual counting, etc) opens doors for Marcos and Duterte to cheat. A lot of people have reported—nationwide—of the same things. Reports of vote-buying by their camp are also rampant.

Video of vote-buying in Iloilo posted on FB by a concerned netizen

I’m letting go of this anxiety and let God’s will be done.

Love thy will be done.

I cannot control such things happening right now. It is causing me so much sleepless nights the past few days. My country has given me so much heartbreak and is pushing me to seek my fortune elsewhere. But then my love for it is pulling me to stay. Who will be left to love and defend it?

Love thy will be done.

It’s no longer in my hands. It’s His now.

Love hurts Part 2

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Here is Kimchi this morning, taking a nap with me. Squishy. 🐱🐾

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Here is me a few hours later after giving her and Sushi a bath.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

They hissed their way out of the towels when they were being dried. Sushi in particular wanted to kill us and acted like she’s dying at the same time.

Murderous cats. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It’s Maundy Thursday today, (and in the Christian calendar) it’s when Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. It was His act of humility and service and his demonstration that we must love one another and that there is no ranking in God’s love.

“I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you” (John 13:15).

Love hurts. Love is humility. Love is service. There shouldn’t be any hierarchy in love because—I don’t know, you just love. I would die for my children if it means I could save them. Just as Jesus died for us to save us, without any hierarchy of who among us he loved the most.

I loved even though I hurt, thinking that love could turn a heart of stone softer. However, there are just some things that love can’t conquer so I just leave it up to Him. I did not seek revenge but instead I sought peace because it’s hard to live with so much hatred. In the end, it will just be up to God.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Romans 12:17-21

card from worldchallenge.org

We didn’t go yet to Intramuros because the girls aren’t finished studying for their finals on Monday until Wednesday next week. They should clean their bikes tomorrow morning so we can go in the afternoon. Friends had been posting on Facebook that the provinces are clogged and the traffic even going to Quezon Province is intolerable. A classmate of my girls said it took them 9 hrs of driving to Baguio.

This is the reason why I love staying in Metro Manila during Holy Week. The roads are clear and we can just do cartwheels in the middle of Makati CBD 😂

In the meantime, I transplanted some of my flowers and sowed some petunia seeds.

I hope they don’t die. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

So far so good. My existing flowering plants are doing ok.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The morning glory that I transplanted to a hanging planter because it is starting to grow vines. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

And finally, I now have a yellow bell! I had been looking for this plant for a long time because this one creeps along walls and fences. By next year, this will be ready to be transplanted in my new house and creep along the wire fence that we had erected between our lot and the neighbor’s. I can make a trellis out of yellow bells.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Now that I’m done doing manual labor, my creative side is itching right now. I want to order more watercolors. I held back and just ordered Staedtler mechanical pencils because it’s easier to sketch with it and not bother sharpening my pencil all the time. I’m now impatiently waiting for it.

Makeshift easel. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Yellow bell. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

Palm Sunday

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Blue marlin steak. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Today is Palm Sunday, traditionally a day that marks the the start of the Holy Week in this predominantly Catholic nation. The old practice was the oldies refrain from eating rich foods at the start of Ash Wednesday but with my generation, sacrifices (no eating of meat) and fasting usually start on Holy Monday. I remember there was this old practice of Filipinos eating only fish on Fridays as part of their penitence, regardless of the time of the year, that’s why galunggong (round scad) and mungbean soup were popular dishes in offices/canteens every Friday lunch.

Anyway, I don’t really follow these practices since I’m no longer Catholic (because for me Jesus’ death on the cross is enough to pay for my sins so no need for penitence) but fasting is a good way of making you focus more when you plan on meditating this coming Holy Week. I tried intermittent fasting before when I was doing my reflections in 2016-2017. I subsisted only on coffee during the day and then break my fast after midnight with a light snack.

So today I grilled blue marlin steaks because Twin A asked for it, not because it’s Palm Sunday. 😁 I was surprised at how well I seasoned the fish before grilling. 🥰 I cooked meatless hotpot with tofu to accompany the fish. The smell of the fish while I was grilling it reminded me of beach outings we had when I was growing up. We always grilled something when we go to the beach during summer holidays. 💓

I then attended to my garden again to re-pot the plants that were not thriving and transferred the ones that already outgrew their containers into the clay pots I bought from Marikina yesterday. Now that I have a good look at my inventory, I can assess now what are the additional flowering plants I can buy next week. It took me four hours to finish. No wonder people during lockdowns were so into gardening. We can pass the day just gardening.

Twin I taking a photo of me while I was busy.

My morning glory plants are thriving and I may have to transplant them next week into hanging planters because they’re already growing vines. The marigolds are sprouting but I haven’t seen any sign of the calendula and aster. The leeks have also sprouted. This encouraged me to plant kale and lettuce in my spare mini pots. Let’s see if my black thumb only applies to vegetables.

As I said, gardening is trial and error. So I realized that the loam soil I was buying retains water too much and my area does not encourage evaporation that quickly so a lot of my earlier plants became victims of root rot, especially my expensive roses. Now I learned I must mix this soil with coco peat and humic plus soil conditioner.

And clay pots do make a difference.

Clay pots allow the soil/roots to breathe since the pots are porous compared to plastic pots. Yes, plastic pots are cheap and convenient to have but they easily encourage root rot. So what I’m going to do with my existing plastic pots and rectangular planters is I will drill holes not only at the bottom but also at the sides to encourage aeration. I already did that to my big plastic planter, that’s why some of the current plants there are surviving. However, it seems like the holes aren’t enough because my cosmos are nearly dying. So I transferred them to a clay pot and into an area that receives full sunshine throughout the day. I just hope it works.

Tomorrow will be the formal turnover of duties from my boss to me during the team call. Then on Wednesday will be a follow up call with my new manager (APAC head) as my outgoing manager will be transferring to the data team and by June she will be transplanting herself to London. I have to fix my schedule again to see if I can fly to Singapore before July (probably next month?) to introduce myself to PRs and renew my connection with firms and sources after the formal announcement of my promotion (and also my salary raise–a lot of paperwork and admin work).

As the newest reporter under my wing said, I will be busier but not much difference since I had been leading the team for quite some time now. Well, she has no idea how long I was like that, the invisible team leader that was underpaid. 🙄

top view photo of people near wooden table
Photo by fauxels on Pexels.com

My very old TV has stopped working so I ordered a new universal TV remote for it. If it doesn’t work, then I think I have to retire it and buy that 50-inch TCL Android TV for Netflix marathons with the girls. I will then mount it on the wall when we transfer to my new house and make it disappear by creating a gallery wall around it. Like this:

So many things to do…

It used to be all I want to learn is wisdom, trust, and truth

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I read somewhere that you let go of the same person many, many times. At different times, for different reasons. This time I’ve let go of my anger towards J.

I was not bitter because he fell out of love. I was bitter and angry because if he already lost any affection for me, then he should have broken it earlier instead of treating me badly until I got depressed and folded. But no, he used me until he was financially stable so he can finally take off. In the first place, I wasn’t the one who asked him to move in with us. Then he dumped me when he was settled in his own place. That took a huge toll on me mentally. All this time he pretended he loved me because what he was just waiting for was stability for himself. But deep inside he disdains me so much that he didn’t have the decency to break up with me in person. I even had to ask to be told in person. He even didn’t want to give me a last embrace. When I begged for it, he didn’t even hug back…

I knew something was off by the latter half of 2020 but I got gaslighted all the time. I second-guessed myself. But because gaslighting is mental manipulation, the victim loses the ability to trust herself and her judgment. It really confused me. I was a hot mess: here I was trying to keep six people alive by my lonesome during a pandemic, balancing pressures from work and trying to keep my job amid mass layoffs, then he was doing this to me. I had to take my antidepressant to keep me from breaking down.

After he dumped me, I was vacillating between love and anger while trying to pick up the pieces of me, or of what was left of me. I was so angry to the point I regretted so many things, which was contrary to my principle in life of not regretting anything I’ve done. Because I wouldn’t have done things differently. Because I would still have loved him with much intensity and I would have still given my all.

Then one day, just purely by chance, I watched a video of a pastor from Sudan who used to be a hardcore Muslim and hated Christians, and he was willing to kill in the name of religion. Long story short, he said the person whom he tried to kill as a boy had lived and they met again in a Christian convention. The boy who he had thought he had killed had always prayed for him and said he has forgiven him a long time ago.

Something in me struck a chord. Forgiveness.

Because I couldn’t forgive, I couldn’t move on. I couldn’t forgive myself as well. I was harboring this anger as a defense mechanism, as a motivator, as a “f*ck you, J!” statement to him. I was nursing this anger to make me feel better. Which it did not.

After that video, I cried and cried and prayed. And I declared in my prayer:

“J, I forgive you. I am finally releasing you from this anger. I understand now that you did what you did because you didn’t have a choice at that time. You were in a strange country with no options except for going back to your original home country, which was the last thing you will do given that you don’t want to come home to your dad a failure. I release myself from this anger and I am forgiving myself for loving so much that I didn’t even leave anything for myself. I forgive myself for putting you first ahead of my children. I am releasing both of us. I pray that you will be able to find what you seek and may God always guide you and protect you, even if you don’t believe in Him. Amen.

There’s a strange lightness in me after that. I cannot say that I’ve completely healed. It comes slowly and there are moments that strong emotions towards him or over the past still engulf me from time to time. It’s natural to feel sad. It’s ok to miss him sometimes. It’s all right to vacillate between being ok and feeling shitty-I-wanna-cry-it-hurts. It has only been five months.

I held on to that Collective Soul song “Forgiveness” because it holds so much truth in it. And it’s a process. It doesn’t come easy.

It used to be all I want to learn

Was wisdom, trust, and truth

But now all I really want to learn

Is forgiveness for you

The miracle of the five loaves and two fish

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68 kg of rice. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Kgs and kgs of rice and other goods to share. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The Maginhawa Community Pantry reopened today and there’s a very long queue. I arrived late in the afternoon because I was swamped with work. However, I managed to somehow get away and buy 68kg of rice divided into 2kg packs. Then I checked the supply the organizers have to see which is abundant and which items must be replenished. I will come back after wrapping up work for the week.

The littlest of people, those who have next to nothing have the biggest heart. I’ve been reading and hearing about the generosity of Filipinos and it warms me and pains me at the same time. Prepandemic there are a lot of hungry people neglected by society and government. This pandemic created more of them.

Meanwhile, I am proud of my daughters. They’re good kids. They prodded me to take PHP 500 from their birthday money to spend on surgical masks to donate. I told them to keep the money and I will do the donation. They said, no Mommy. We still have money. We want to help.

I think because they have been aware of what I keep on doing while they were growing up. When they see their parent helping those who are in need regardless my emotional state and financial status, they pick it up. When they see me feeding homeless cats, they develop sympathy and then empathy. One night I called one of my girls to come out of the house with our plastic container of cat food and water for a kittykat near my bank. She was meowing loudly by the lamppost. I drove by our gate, picked up the food and water and drove back to the kittykat. After making sure she is fine (she was being looked after by the homeless man nearby), I went back home and tell the story to the girls.

Kindness to all humans and animals must be taught from the very beginning. No ifs and buts. I also emphasize to my girls that they should be polite to everybody, regardless of age and economic status, hence the constant use of “po” and “opo”. I always correct their manner of speaking.

Kindness and respect, generosity and empathy for all are basic things I’m teaching my girls. It will guide them all throughout their lives.