Whenever I’m here in Singapore, I attend church at Every Nation (the international chapter of Victory in PH where I used to go) at Vivo City (Golden Village). Yes, the movie theater. Because that place can accommodate a lot of people. This morning was the first time I attended church in 5 years and it was overwhelming that I couldn’t help tearing up during praise and worship. I had my head bowed at that time since I had been wiping my face with my handkerchief.

I stayed away for too long. My anger at the pastors at Victory was so great that I let it get in the way of my spiritual growth. It was their misogyny that pushed me down and caused me to turn my back on God. They let Filipino machismo talk instead of counseling me according to the Word; it pounded me down to the ground. It was my fault, they said, that my marriage fell apart. I should have soothed the ex-husband’s ego because I’m a high profile media person. Basically, what they’re saying is that I should make myself small for somebody who doesn’t want to grow up.

I’m still trying to reconcile this hurt and anger with church-going. I don’t think I can go back to Victory either in Katipunan or LB. They did a lot of damage to me. Because of them, I always thought that I was in the wrong; I was evil and that I was going to break the family apart.

The answer and healing came through science. The real answer was that the ex-husband has narcissistic personality disorder. Disorder—-my shrink told me a disorder is incurable, but it can be managed. As an empath, I will literally die if I continued to live with someone with NPD. As I was telling my friend L last night, he sucked the life out of me for almost 20 years. Narcs use the energy of empaths to feed their need for dominance and extreme ego, just like vampires. Or the Nazgul in LoTR or the dementors in Harry Potter. They chase away all the joy that is left in your heart.

So L told me she understands why there is this incurable need for me to be alone and shun connections and people. I told her, I never had enough headspace for myself. I couldn’t even hear myself for 20 years. As an empath, all my energy was sucked out by people who surrounded me: the narc of an ex-husband and the equally self-centered ex-partner J who only wanted to receive but didn’t give.

I told L that I needed to live inside myself for a while. This introversion is my form of healing; a time to listen to myself because it has always been other people’s welfare and happiness that I worked on. I dismissed myself.

On a related note, because of this living inward and discovering myself/self-love, I treated myself to a shopping spree at Vivo City.

Guess? was 50% off at Tangs and the standalone Desigual shop at Vivo City was having a 50% off as well. I checked Zalora PH for the current prices back home and that decided my fate. I shopped. Then I bought the girls some cute lunch bags that can fit their thermos and new lunch boxes.

I’m such a bag hag. I’ve known that for quite some time now.

So the bags I brought with me go now inside the luggage…

My Michael Kors bag is older than my daughters. It’s already showing its age (the lower part is getting rubbed against my clothes) and the friction is causing some blemish to the fabric. I should also be careful with the frequency of having this dry cleaned because the chemicals are harsh on fabric. I couldn’t use this regularly in Manila because this tote bag doesn’t have a zipper: all my stuff inside would be very accessible to shifty hands. It costs more than the salary of some editors I know so I always store it in its silken dust bag with lots and lots of desiccants inside to absorb moisture.

I also learned from Buddy Tan (the owner of Blackwing Shoes) that I should apply body lotion on leather bags and straps because they will start cracking, like our own skin, when it’s not moiturized. He said his mother-in-law had her housemaid apply body lotion and massage the bags regularly to keep them in tiptop shape. He told me I should avoid the leather conditioners and oils (like mink) sold commercially because these make the leather ultra moist that could also contribute to the weakening of the leather itself if not used correctly. He said use them sparingly and I would be better off with my body lotions. “If it’s good enough for your skin, then it’s good for your bags’ skins too,” he said.

I’m tempted to go back to Tangs, probably in Orchard, to check out other styles…No, I should leave myself some room for shoes, which I prefer to buy back home. From the local shoemakers in Marikina.

Ah, the bag hag strikes again.

And to think I still have two Kate Spades inside my closet that I rarely use…