PASH

Pseudoangiomatous Stromal Hyperplasia (PASH). That’s what my cousin had, not cysts. She has been recovering at home for four days now after her surgery. She had them removed because one of them had been growing and it started to hurt. She just removed her binders but it still hurt, she said.

out of order text on persons belly
Photo by Kat Smith on Pexels.com

I think at some point I got it when I was in college or right after college. It was quite a scare because my gynecologist had to refer me to an oncologist just to be sure but her initial findings told me these were lesions caused by hormones. I no longer remember what tests I had because I ejected them from my memory since it was quite a tense episode. The oncologist concurred that the lumps were lesions and were likely to disappear with my menstrual cycle—as my gynecologist had initially told me.

I never had a normal cycle and until now my hormones are often off. I have PCOS and it was already a miracle that I even got pregnant. Ah well, I had to go through hormone therapy just to have my girls. I always tell them that they were chosen because I had to work with my doctor to have them—my way of telling them that I already wanted them even before they came. (So girls, if you are already reading this because I’m already in the great beyond, know the difficulties I had gone through just to have you).

“Women with PCOS are twice as likely as women without the condition to deliver their baby prematurely. They’re also at greater risk for miscarriage, high blood pressure, and gestational diabetes (19).”

Healthline

There you go. Having twins raises the probability of premature birth, but having PCOS almost made it a certainty. I bled twice while I was pregnant and I had to work from home eventually at 5 mos because my doctor said I will lose the twins if I didn’t stop traveling. I had to take a pill to keep the girls and stop bleeding. She even told me to not climb the stairs. But what can I do? My ex-husband was cruel; he didn’t want to help with the chores to the point we had a fight and he threatened to leave the house. We didn’t have a maid at that time and imagine this: I was heavily pregnant and I was still mopping the floor. I decided to go home to my mom and spend the last trimester with her so I will be well fed (and didn’t have to order fastfood because I was too tired to cook), I didn’t have to clean, and I would be nearer the hospital and my OB.

Anyway, fast-forward, even if my sex life had been a desert after having the girls and after J lost interest in me 6 mos before we broke up, I still had to take birth control pills because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have my period for six months or more. That happened when I was in high school and college and that time when I finally had my period after several months without having any, my body was racked with pain that I had to be confined to my bed. I bled like a pig while I was curled up and cried myself to sleep because 500mg of mefanemic acid sometimes couldn’t relieve the pain. After getting pregnant and giving birth, my dysmenorrhea became tolerable but hormonal changes are still wild that’s why I always felt sick (my headaches were enough to crack my skull) during my periods.

That’s why I have high tolerance for pain. All my life I had been in pain physically and emotionally.

Another reason why I couldn’t lose weight is because of insulin resistance due to PCOS. It doesn’t help that diabetes runs in the family.

Hence, I must continue with my workouts even if my body doesn’t want to cooperate.

The 1.5 min planking caused my heart rate to spike.
Bought new moisture-wicking shirts for my walks/indoor workouts. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

When we were in Tiendesitas yesterday, we stopped by Decathlon to buy myself a new pair of dumb bells and moisture-wicking shirts. To motivate me to continue with my workouts. I can’t stop now—once I have diabetes, my days are numbered.

Weekends were created for errands

Sigh. I wished I could have just lounged all day yesterday after that tiring Friday night. But no, I have four children to feed 🫤

Sauteed string beans in oyster sauce and sambal. I made another version without the sambal for the girls. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Chicken Inasal. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

And I picked up after myself. 😬 I just threw my stuff on the floor after arriving from BSP on Friday. Good thing the cats didn’t scratch my Kate Spade evening bag because at this point I cannot afford to buy a Kate Spade. Or any bag. Or anything frivolous. I need to finish my house first.

Heavy traffic on a Saturday night. Why??? Photo by CallMeCreation.com

We drove to Tiendesitas to buy cat supplies and boy oh boy, inflation really bites. But I love my critters so…

Wet food for my Demolition Twins 2.0. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Consistent with the theme of feeding my children, we shopped for groceries in SM Hypermarket that is just next door. My receipt is double my normal 😢 And that doesn’t include pork yet and vegetables, which I will buy from my usual vege seller in UP today.

Speaking of UP, we went there to feed strays. The leftover chicken inasal and kibbles that my spoiled kitties no longer wanted. We still have enough to go around for today when I shop for veggies and do my walking exercise.

Maybe, maybe I’ll just stay in bed all day 🤔

Or maybe not. 👏

My 15th year attending this event

16 years covering the business beat. 15 years attending this event at the central bank and chasing all these CEOs, bankers, company owners, conglomerate owners…

Driving to the central bank this afternoon.

I could feel age catching up with me. I could no longer chase them as I used to. I used to target everybody but this time I only talked to the familar and dear ones.

Every year I also receive collectors’ items from the central bank. Only a few of us are given these. Back in 2006, I had one entire mat of uncut 20-peso bill signed by former central bank governors. Sadly, one of them passed only a few months or a year after he signed it.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
See-through bill. Can’t remember if it was the SGD 100 bill was similar to this. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

They also gave us some prints from the BSP art collection. I can have these framed for my tiny house.

An Arturo Luz print. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
A Juan Senson print. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m tired. I gave four reporters a ride home tonight and dropped them at their doorsteps in different parts of QC.

Romanticizing life

Morning light streaming through my windows at 7 am. Let’s pretend things are OK. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I know it’s so fake but in order for life to be tolerable, especially during this time that we’re facing a global financial crisis with an incompetent and corrupt president, it’s better to pretend that everything is pretty. Romanticizing life, just like what those content creators do on Youtube and Instagram. Because what can you do? These things are beyond my control and stressing over them is a health hazard. What I can control is how I react to them and my actions on how to ease the burden—-or anticipate the bad things that will happen so I can protect myself and my kids.

Rose tea. Zen mode before tackling work in the morning. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I have a very strong internal locus of control so I get stressed over a lot of things, thinking I could change so many of them. I should loosen up and practice having some external locus of control; recognize the things I have little control over–kinda like make lemonade when life throws lemons at you.

So I will just trick my brain into making it believe that things are hunky dory in my neck of the woods, that my mornings are pretty and that troubles don’t go my way. Like I will just make my life beautiful and pursue all things bright and beautiful.

But in a way, it helps to make me less angry with the world. God knows that there are so many things to be angry about. There had been so much sadness and bitterness in my life the past two years and I no longer want to live like that. I no longer want to think about the actions of other people towards me and all the wrongs done to me. I will just let the universe do its thing.

I craved something spicy tonight so I made some vegetable ramyun with shitaake mushrooms, Chinese cabbage, and egg. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Meanwhile, I realized that for 33 years I had been busy documenting my life, since Grade 5 until tonight. Writing my schedule, budgets, and to-do lists help me organize my life. But I do not understand why I am very diligent in recording things when I should be throwing away my planners and diaries from years past. However, as a journalist, I find archives like that helpful especially when I need to write my testimonial for my annulment case.

But then, why do I keep holding on to my diaries, these notebooks just take up space? No one would really be interested in reading them, not even my children. I’m not going to be famous that people from the future would be digging through my archives to write my biography.

I just thought about it today because I am mulling whether I go to Ikea to buy bins to store my diaries or just put them in a bookshelf. And my brain just rolled into questions upon questions why I’m doing this.

*I also want to check out some light fixtures or modern chandeliers.

EXHAUSTING

Why Philippines? Why are you just accepting this? Why are you condoning the Marcoses’ and the Dutertes’ excesses and you let yourself suffer like this? Why??? My heart bleeds. I think I will die heartbroken because you let yourself be enslaved by your stupidity.

It’s really exhausting if I absorb everything that I see and read. I know it’s such a privilege to turn my head away and pretend these things don’t happen. But sometimes doing so is necessary for my mental health, especially today when I read that a former Supreme Court justice who is now the new Executive Secretary defending Marcos’ wastage of public funds (bringing along bloggers and other hangers on) to watch F1 in Singapore. I want to remind Mr. Bersamin that there is a law that prohibits government officials from using public funds or whatever from doing such thing/s. Singapore has been holding F1 for so many years but no sitting Philippine president has accepted the invitation of the Singapore government because 1) they know the law; 2) it is blasphemy to waste public funds (or even private money because the public perception is bad) on such frivolous things when the country has just emerged from a natural calamity and the citizens could barely eat , with the latest inflation rate is at 6.9%.

Oh yes, we’re back to Marcos-era macroeconomic situation = stagnant growth, high inflation (called stagflation), weak currency, and FDIs are disappearing.

I’m angry but I’m tired of being angry. Maybe living in my hometown will help me tame my anger. Maybe the trees and absence of air pollution will calm my very busy mind. Maybe regular cycling around my hometown and nearby towns would help ease the tension I often harbor because I get affected by macro and micro news, about things that I have no control over. More frequent visits to the sea to dive or Lake Caliraya to camp will remind me of the little things that make living here worthwhile.

I no longer know how to use my platform, my pen (keyboard) to help change the situation. They’re killing journalists like me and they will continue doing that. They have already killed ABS-CBN. Now they’re silencing individual media workers.

I don’t know how long I can take this with my sanity intact.

Let me just do my indoor exercises first so I can ruminate. Maybe my pent-up fury can be expended by dumb bell lifts.


I still have a long way to go. Long, long way to go.

So it starts

Just like during Marcos Sr’s martial law. This has a chilling effect on us in the industry–except of course this doesn’t affect media workers who are Marcos supporters. 🤬 Asshats!

My mom always reminds me to be careful and keep safe. She lived through the killings of the first Marcos era. Now I’m living it now.

I no longer know what’s or who’s next. 😔

We’re so fucked.


While we were in the boat going to the spot where I can dive last Sunday, Twin A accidentally dipped her sling bag that contains her mobile phone into the water. She wanted to take pictures, she said. It got wet and she kept on turning the phone on and off. Expect that some short circuiting will ensue.

They would be going to Cebu by the end of the month so I need them to be accessible via phone ALL THE TIME because I do not trust their dad. I had to have that phone fixed.

I went to Greenhills yesterday to have the LCD replaced.

Painful to watch. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
This is how a wet LCD panel looks like. It still has some salt deposits on it. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It hurt my wallet. PHP 2,000, including a screen protector.

I will have that kid hung upside down to teach her a lesson.