Tag Archives: writing

Romanticizing life

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Morning light streaming through my windows at 7 am. Let’s pretend things are OK. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I know it’s so fake but in order for life to be tolerable, especially during this time that we’re facing a global financial crisis with an incompetent and corrupt president, it’s better to pretend that everything is pretty. Romanticizing life, just like what those content creators do on Youtube and Instagram. Because what can you do? These things are beyond my control and stressing over them is a health hazard. What I can control is how I react to them and my actions on how to ease the burden—-or anticipate the bad things that will happen so I can protect myself and my kids.

Rose tea. Zen mode before tackling work in the morning. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I have a very strong internal locus of control so I get stressed over a lot of things, thinking I could change so many of them. I should loosen up and practice having some external locus of control; recognize the things I have little control over–kinda like make lemonade when life throws lemons at you.

So I will just trick my brain into making it believe that things are hunky dory in my neck of the woods, that my mornings are pretty and that troubles don’t go my way. Like I will just make my life beautiful and pursue all things bright and beautiful.

But in a way, it helps to make me less angry with the world. God knows that there are so many things to be angry about. There had been so much sadness and bitterness in my life the past two years and I no longer want to live like that. I no longer want to think about the actions of other people towards me and all the wrongs done to me. I will just let the universe do its thing.

I craved something spicy tonight so I made some vegetable ramyun with shitaake mushrooms, Chinese cabbage, and egg. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Meanwhile, I realized that for 33 years I had been busy documenting my life, since Grade 5 until tonight. Writing my schedule, budgets, and to-do lists help me organize my life. But I do not understand why I am very diligent in recording things when I should be throwing away my planners and diaries from years past. However, as a journalist, I find archives like that helpful especially when I need to write my testimonial for my annulment case.

But then, why do I keep holding on to my diaries, these notebooks just take up space? No one would really be interested in reading them, not even my children. I’m not going to be famous that people from the future would be digging through my archives to write my biography.

I just thought about it today because I am mulling whether I go to Ikea to buy bins to store my diaries or just put them in a bookshelf. And my brain just rolled into questions upon questions why I’m doing this.

*I also want to check out some light fixtures or modern chandeliers.

Going down the memory lane

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Driving around the campus at around 9 pm. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My girls and I drove around the campus last night, the first time in years. Well, they said this former gym of ours is very haunted and my father said the Japanese soldiers during WW2 used this area as their HQ and the entire Baker Field as POW concentration camp. Some people claim that they heard marching of soldiers coming from inside the hall in the dead of the night or saw shadows from the balcony above. Shining piercing eyes looking out from the huge windows. Thankfully, I haven’t nor I want to see/hear/experience such things. Before the Copeland Gym was constructed, this was where we played badminton, volleyball, table tennis, basketball, etc and we had the shower rooms here. As a former football varsity player, I was almost a resident here, playing for the university since high school.

Today, Twin I asked how I did my notes when I was still studying—basically, how to take down notes for studying. So I unearthed my notebooks from my boxes of memories to show them that I was a diligent note-taker during my student days, a skill that is very useful in my job up to this day.

My steno notebook that I used for ALL my courses 😂. These were my notes in Great Political Theories. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Even I am surprised to see that my notes were really neat back then. It’s just people who borrowed my notes were confused that these were chronologically arranged and not divided according to course 😂😂😂😂😂. So if they photocopied this, they would inadvertently copied my Chemistry notes or Microbio notes for that particular day.

My General Chemistry notes. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Statistics. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

However, I doubt if I was able to encourage my kids to be good with their note-taking because they keep on saying their handwriting is terrible. So I had to show them all my journals that I wrote and kept since 1990 (when I was their age now) so they can see I also had ugly handwriting when I was much younger.

Some of the notebooks that started my writing career. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Twin I tried to read one entry from high school, which was just an account of what happened that day, which is similar to what I’m doing right now—only that this is more high-tech. 😂 Keeping and writing on my journals everyday since I was 10-11 years old led me into the writer I am now. Some of the notebooks here are not necessarily just journals; some here are notebooks for my essays that I eventually transfered on Word doc and submitted to the national newspaper I was writing for when I was still in college. Yep, I was already writing for PDI even when I was still an undergrad because I wanted a headstart.

This brings me to the conundrum of whether it was wise of me to be limiting myself to this narrow path of being a very specialized journalist. Or just be a journalist. Some ex-colleagues have jumped into other professions; they have become lawyers, communication strategists, owners of their PR firms, or completely jumped into entrepreneurship.

But then because I didn’t go back to school so I can pivot, it would mean I would be starting from the bottom of the ladder. That is always the case: it doesn’t matter if you were an experienced journalist or an MD or a pop artist—if it’s not your expertise, like fund management, investment banking, or techpreneurship, you would have to start at the bottom of the ladder as an associate and work your way up. My extensive career as a journalist holds little value in a different field and I understand that. So my recourse then was to take CFA exams just like what my colleague is now doing. However, I simply cannot afford to be an associate at this stage because my kids are growing up. CFA certifications or MBA would allow me to shift as a mid-career professional. Even my friend who is a CPA-lawyer with an MBA and niche expertise in tech is still not partner in her firm. She needs to be as seasoned as her seniors in her firm and build a name. She still needs to earn her stripes.

So my dilemma is I have already earned some stripes in this field, more stripes than some of my peers have. I still like what I’m doing but sometimes I cannot help thinking if I’m limiting myself.

On the flipside, would I still want to slave away when my life is already “settling”? I’m soon building my home, taking life more slower compared to a decade ago, and I just want to plan my trips and building the life I want during the weekends. I realized that even if my children can already fend for themselves, they still need guidance especially they’re now entering adolescence—that age that has so many pitfalls that can scar a person for life. I felt this tug today when they told me their friend, who had everything, is still complaining about “life”. Twin A said, “we don’t understand why she’s being like that. She has all the material things she can ask for: she has a cellphone while we don’t have one but that’s ok. She has pets and her parents pay attention to her. She has a father and a mother, while we don’t really have a dad. Yes we have Daddy but…”

I don’t know the answer. I wish I have the wisdom to navigate this treacherous waters. Being a solo parent doesn’t help at all in answering my career questions.

Back to regular programming

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Rough sketch. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Building views, Makati central business district. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Poolside. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I decided to make bookmarks and use urban sketching style to draw pictures as I have a lot of board paper off-cuts here.

When Kr and I met last Friday, I gave her the 400 pcs of business cards I ordered for her, the Baguio City pines painting I promised her, and a print out of the yellow bell I painted for my mom. She was surprised that the print was not a real painting and she said I can make Christmas gifts out of such prints. I said I will try making book marks and the original ones I will give to special bookworm friends and the prints will be given to other bookworms. I will have them plastic laminated.

I was inspired by this urban sketcher last night so I went back to drawing again today, even if these are just quick drawings.

I’m not proud to say that I again procrastinated today and was just busy emailing and chatting with people online. Well, it’s still work, right? There are days when creative juices just don’t flow and I needed to seek it elsewhere, hence, the drawings today. Besides it’s a holiday today here in Manila (and the rest of Southeast Asia) so my brain knows I really don’t have to work that hard today.

I read somewhere (I don’t remember if I already blogged about this) that executives and creatives have different workflows. Executives function well if they divide their day according to chunks on a per hour basis. They can easily finish daily tasks like that. Creatives, however, cannot block time like executives do. So when visual artists or writers block their days, they do it by how many hours it takes them to finish because you cannot just cut thought or creative drive like executives cut their calls per hour. That’s why a lot of writers tend to skip meals because it’s hard to cut their train of thought when they’re deep into writing.

It’s the same with starting a creative process like writing. I need to be in the zone to write so there are days that I really procrastinate—which is bad since I’m a manager too. So my days now are filled with executive work that involves talking to a lot of people and emailing, fixing admin stuff, etc. So the more I procrastinate doing executive tasks, the more the creative process gets delayed.

I have to fix my workflow better. This blog entry gives good tips on how to manage your daily tasks. Since I was a semi-manager in the past, winging it was ok. But now I have my entire ass on the line, I cannot just wing it like I did before.

To complicate matters, I must still manage my household like a chief executive, including weekends. Single mom manager and super journo—I don’t know how but I will get through this.

Atrocious handwriting

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Printed exercise sheets for Twin I. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My kids have atrocious handwriting that was not corrected in school because they had been at home for 2 years. I was too busy to pay attention to their handwriting and I didn’t know how to help them. My mother and their dad have bad handwriting so I thought it could be just that.

However, it was already Twin I who asked me for help so I had to sit up and pay attention. I remember when I was in third and fourth grade we had handwriting classes where we were taught cursive handwriting. We had writing exercises in which we shadowed the handwriting of our teacher or what was in our exercise book. So I downloaded some exercise sheets for my daughter to practice on. Hopefully this would help.

I had tried to imitate the neat handwriting of some of my artistic classmates but eventually I developed my own form/style. My father had beautiful handwriting, so did my older sister and brother. My brother’s handwriting is similar to my father’s.

I could say my handwriting is ok and oftentimes my notes are neat, even when I’m doing interviews or listening to conferences/seminars/lectures. I remember my high school and college classmates borrowing my notes because 1) they’re comprehensive; and 2) they’re neat. This skill helped me now in my note-taking as a reporter, especially when there are disputes with those complaining about my reportage. My editors in London or HK ask me to send my notes to them for defense. If my notes are unintelligible, I would have a bigger problem. So I have kept all my reporter’s notebooks from 15 years ago as they stand in court, in case someone sues me. That’s the power of good note-taking—and alongside that is good handwriting.

So I need to train my children how to take notes and improve their handwriting.

Meanwhile, my other children…

Sushi lounging on my bed while I’m working my ass off. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

So far they haven’t destroyed anything this week and last week. But they chewed on Twin I’s school exercise lying around so that’s her fault for being untidy. 🙄

Oh yeah, I have to trim their claws and give them a bath. And shop for supplies again. Ah, the things you do for your pets. 😶

My post about Radiowealth had really gone viral. 7k likes and 5.6k shares. My neighbor sent me a screenshot of my post that has been passed around in Ateneo. One of my sources also sent me a screenshot of it that is being passed around in his Rotary Club.

Of course, the BBM camp is not remiss in their duty in bashing me. So I posted this today, translated in English:

BBM people have been sharing my post about Radiowealth and attacking it, saying the site I shared (blogspot has no SSL certificate etc). The main questions remain, is it true that Marcos grabbed businesses he, his family and his cronies benefited from it? Is it true that we began to sink with the debts we incurred because of his graft and corruption? There was a BBM supporter who sent me a private FB message disputing my statements, that the closure of Radiowealth was not politically motivated but it was about the radioactivity posed by the TVs. 🤔 I had watched on our Radiowealth TV for long hours and until now I’m still alive. I haven’t transformed into an X-men. There were so many requesting FB friendship but NO, I don’t care about them. I’ve had so much experience with internet trolls. I just delete and delete friend requests and PMs. For fact-checking purposes here are links:

https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/starweek-magazine/2013/01/27/901409/domingo-guevara-road-industrialization

https://ph.news.yahoo.com/remembering-dmg-self-made-entrepreneur-091445720–finance.html

https://www.elib.gov.ph/details.php?uid=722235afc2209d5ce5dc064e1127bac3&fbclid=IwAR24bXlm6coSvRDSeDj1POyItA8dg-ZpYsxRehYflC3-tl7uu40kWC9xe2E

https://catalogue.nla.gov.au/Record/2006068

There was one fact checker from Tsek.ph (group of volunteer Philippine journalists) who messaged me on Twitter and said they went through my post and marked it True. I wanted him and the world to know that I am a journalist and I do my research well. I don’t make claims lightly. Plus, I clearly remember interviewing one lolo who mentioned this to me, it was also discussed in one of my broadcasting classes, plus my father told me about this. <<< well this last one doesn’t count as an empirical evidence but this was the one that prompted me to research about Radiowealth.

As I said before, media literacy must be taught in elementary and high school so people can be taught critical thinking and not just be brainless consumers of mass media information. It’s my advocacy. However, it’s hard now that I’m no longer in the academe. The lectures and media trainings have stopped during the lockdowns and that TV interview I had earlier this month was one of the few I did in the last two years.

I have a feeling I will have my other foot back again in academe soon…🤔

Labor

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Writing a longish article today was super laborious that it felt like giving birth. I wanted to crack my head on the table just to get things going.

And I have three more articles to go. Why I’m in a rut like this again?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

I need to go out.

Where will I go? Yesterday we logged 37k new cases. People around my apartment are coughing. My other neighbors caught the omicron bug.

I need to drive tomorrow. Writer’s block again.

Earlier tonight I was able to open my Shutterfly account, which is a repository of all my digital photos in the early 2000s. And I saw these:

My sister just called him Baby so the name stuck. He was our cat who stayed with my dad in his room when he died in his sleep. He didn’t leave my dad until my brother came. He was such a beautiful cat. A week after my dad was cremated, this cat just ran away.

He reminds me of my fat cat, Kimchi, who currently has an infection on her right eye (see the pink rims?). It’s such a labor of love catching her and restraining her so that we can give her eye drops at least twice a day. She’s such a grumpy cat.

Congratulations to me

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Yey! I was able to write a long-ish feature article today and right now it is being uploaded. I didn’t go to any coffee shop because I woke up late and it was hot. It was such a struggle to be able to get into the writing zone today. I needed a big push to start writing, like a looming deadline (last workday of the month).

So that’s it. I’m no longer motivated by whatever is happening at work. Writing is like pulling my guts out and it seems like I have no reason to do that anymore.

I really need to address this problem. My livelihood rests on my ability to write and if I keep on getting this writer’s block, I’m screwed.

This lethargy may be brought about by my need to implement the drastic changes I want to do, like moving houses, to signal a change in the direction of my life. I needed a serotonin boost to get me through the day so I bought several shares of ETF while prices yo-yoed this morning. I did two tranches to catch the drop in prices.

After that, the guilty feeling of not being able to adult for the entire week has been erased so I clicked “buy” on that retro-looking red Midea microwave oven on Lazada. Do we really need a microwave? Yes, our househelp said. We use the defrost function in the microwave when we’re running out of time and lunch just came out of the freezer. We heat leftover food with it. And if I do batch-cooking again especially when we move to my hometown in 2023, I would need a microwave oven for dinners and lunchboxes. So yes, my purchase was justified.

I also bought new chairs for the girls again because the black ones that I bought from SM were of bad quality. The place where metal screws go underneath the shell of the seat are made of soft plastic and they broke. I bought the new adjustable rolling chairs from Ofix instead of Ikea because they have quicker delivery time.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Hopefully these will last longer.

Meanwhile, I was able to fix the backrest of this one, which was pushed all the way to the the back since this is a recliner gaming chair. The hydraulic seat no longer lifts but it’s usable. One of the legs is wonky because J kept on leaning on one side when he used this so it was a little bent. But this is still serviceable so I will throw this at the back of my car tomorrow to give to my sister or nephew.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m just rambling on. It’s like having verbal diarrhea in front of a shrink to let this all out but in truth I’m masking the real problem. My birthday leave didn’t help at all.

I have trouble writing.

It’s like the end of the world.