My image of No Umbrella by Cynthia Alexander. Art and Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I was listening to Cynthia Alexander’s live rendition of her No Umbrella on Youtube when I suddenly had the urge to make a quick watercolor wash of what I always imagined that song’s imagery in my head. It’s always UP Diliman, under the trees, along the academic oval. I first heard the song in 2002. For twenty years I always thought this song would happen to me in UP Diliman.
Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy.
It really didn’t happen exactly like this but it’s more of me walking alone under the rain when before I walked with somebody under some drizzle inside the campus.
No Umbrella
I remember Walking in the rain No umbrella With your arms around me How can I forget That was the last time
I saw you Waving down a taxi Getting on without me And you’re sorry How can I forget That was the last time
You’re sorry You’re sorry Sorry, sorry
I remember Somewhere in the rain The man without a face It was you You were quiet I knew what you were thinking but You couldn’t say it Letting go of the feeling Things ain’t what they are now Rain is falling no umbrella I remember you
Kimchi occupying the best seat in the house. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I don’t understand myself; the entire day I was just procrastinating and I couldn’t push myself to write the trend/analysis piece due this week. I spent almost the entire day reading the Alexander McQueen/John Galliano biographies (still not done with the book) and the reviews of Prince Harry’s tell-all book, Spare (<<< it is so talked about that even The Economist weighed in, that’s why I started reading about it).
It was only at 8:30 pm did I begin finishing the trend/analysis piece. By 10:30 pm I was done.
Writers do have strange writing hours. I’m not one to write during the early hours. However, there are some writers who are so disciplined that they can block time for writing (like JK Rowling). When I was still in the faster news cycle phase (during my newspaper and online news/TV network days), I could sit down and write in a snap. Not so much nowadays. Age? Or maybe because I have a slower news cycle; the things I write are no longer the by-the-hour kind of stories.
I’ve had some wins today. My APAC boss agreed with my 8-point action plan for staffing and salary review. FINALLY, there will be a salary review and we would have raises. It was a gutsy move on my part and I was in danger of alienating my bosses. Internship for undergrads has not been successful at the parent company-level so I may have an uphill battle regarding this item. I have to check out the hiring process for graduating communication students in SG, among other things.
As for the jarring events of today, the diesel engine calibration center where I brought my car yesterday called me. I have to fork out PHP 50k for the overhaul of my engine (after having a calibration two years ago, in January 2021). I brought my car to Ishimoto (which is advertised as a specialist in Japanese diesel engines), thinking that they would do a thorough job. As far as I know Isuzu’s diesel pumps are made by Bosch, so might as well go to the brand specialist. I thought of having my car’s diesel engine re-calibrated because its exhaust has become black again and I don’t want to flunk my emission test prior to registering my car with the Land Transportation Office.
Along A. Bonifacio Drive in QC, near Balintawak. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
But there you go, I will be 50k poorer. It was like being punched in the stomach since I’m still periodically writing checks to my contractor. I am scheduled to issue another check this month 🥴
Hopefully, the next re-calibration will be done after five years, not two years. Initial reason given to me by the secretary is that usually engines like mine are overhauled when these get fed with contaminated diesel. I told her, it’s annoying because I only load it with the higher end diesel like the Petron Turbo or Shell V-Power Diesel after the 2021 calibration (even during the height of the diesel price spikes). 😤
I would get the full picture once I claim my car on Friday when I talk to the engine mechanic.
For some reason that I haven’t asked yet, a friend sent me this hugot this morning:
I told her, it was a hard lesson I learned in the past two years. This is why I learned to love myself more. To listen to myself more, and never second-guess myself anymore. I told her, this is why I adopted the things written in this card below:
There is something fundamentally wrong with how media and literature portray love. Like making yourself into a doormat will give you happiness, bring you to happily ever after. Like there is something noble about continuously fighting for love when that person will never love you back, when he didn’t in the first place.
Wrong. There are things that you just have to give up on and this above is one of those.
To regain my self-confidence and reinforce this self-love, I am reminding myself this quote everyday:
I am more than what he thought I was. I am worth more than what I thought I was worth. I may be lacking in some departments but that shouldn’t diminish who I am and what I offer. Too bad, he didn’t see that before because I can be more as I mature and learn.
To the person who I will meet in the future, I will be a rose that will bloom if I am loved for the sum of my parts, no ifs and buts. I will be the sun to his clouds; I will be rain to his desert. I will be the brightest star in his darkest nights, the moonlight that will lead him back home.
Recycled grocery paper bags. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My hands became restless so I wrapped some gifts for family and friends that I will be bringing to my hometown tomorrow.
I didn’t want to waste paper that will just add to our humongous trash problem so I’ve been recycling things. Aside from paper bags, I’ve been recycling my old business cards from a decade ago and use them as backing for the gift tags that I printed out.
Then I tried my hand again at painting sakura closeups.
I chucked this one because it didn’t turn out well. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com Tried again. Still waiting for it to dry. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
But it seems like I’m losing my mojo again.
It’s the end of the year and there are still a ton of things I must do like staff evaluation and self-reviews. That’s the most annoying part about my job: the admin work. Even though I’m already technically on leave, there’s this nagging voice at the back of my brain that says I must work on this now. But my body says I should relax and leave stress behind.
🤷🏻♀️
Maybe that dinner with my best friend tomorrow night will improve my state of mind.
Since my mom’s house is still on a lockdown, I booked an Airbnb in my hometown (which sounds absurd to me now) so I can spend the night there because the next day I have a dinner party with a listed company at Hilton, near the airport. So might as well be efficient with my trips and it will be easier to drive to Hilton from south then continue to drive to QC instead of driving from QC to Hilton then to QC again. <<<< This sounds horrific these days.
After my lunch meeting tomorrow, I will drive to hometown, check my house construction and bring my pendant lights and kitchen utensil railings that will be drilled underneath the overhead kitchen cabinets. I will also distribute the food baskets that I bought for the construction workers…something to augment their noche buena meal on Christmas Eve. Times are tough; a little blessing goes a long way for such workers.
You see, I’ve been very blessed, despite the shit I’ve been through the past 2 years. It’s my way of giving back to the universe that has been kind to me in some ways. I don’t forget the privilege that I have. I’m a single parent who can still afford to send my children to school, clothe and feed them, and have just enough to spend for our needs and wants. A lot of people are not in that position. Many struggle and find partners so that they would have somebody to share that financial burden with. Many get stuck in bad relationships because it’s hard to go solo financially.
I don’t have to, thank God.
Besides I’m not the type who will find a partner because of financial reasons. The thought just makes me nauseous. And I don’t think anyone would bother with me because I’m already old; relationship for convenience applies only to younger women and fuckbois.
The only thing I did was to clean the exhaust fan in the bathroom and cook dinner. Otherwise I was horizontal the whole day because I needed to enter the zen mode after last night’s trigger episode. I don’t want to take my anti-anxiety/tranquilizer as my shrink told me to do when such event arises because I want to completely be off it. I want to be better soon. I want meds off me. I only have been taking escitalopram (antidepressant) since April and my goal is to stop it by August, according to my shrink’s timetable.
It’s enough that he destroyed me and my mental health. I don’t intend to prolong it. I had given him too much power over me. He doesn’t deserve me and this power. Sending me that painting was an attempt to regain that power but I didn’t let him. Even my shrink was flabbergasted with that action but she didn’t offer any explanation. She was probably waiting for how I would act on it. Being a person with full mental faculties still intact despite nearly going insane, I had the will power to shut him out by ending it with “thanks, got it” as I still had my self-respect with me. If I didn’t, I would have started a conversation and that would open Pandora’s box. But I didn’t because I loved myself more at that moment. It was a painful fall, though, but I bounced back with the help of friends. But it was hard.
He must be messing up other people now.
Not me. No longer me.
But I have to admit I’m still struggling with anger and a whole gamut of other inexplicable emotions.
I was able to overcome yesterday’s anxiety attack without the tranquilizer though, which is already a feat. I just need more will power to continue fighting this. I need to be stronger to be healthier.
As my colleague-friend said, I need a distraction. She asked, do you have Bumble? I said no and people there are worse scammers. I would rather hang myself. She conceded and said, yeah, I guess you’re right.
So I guess I need to have my house built soon so I can be distracted. I don’t need to date to distract me. That’s suicide.
Brunch. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My brunch is comprised of side dishes. 🤣 Well, it’s better this way.
Meanwhile, I found that consumer companies have started adjusting their packaging in response to the current high prices. Cream is not necessarily a staple in Pinoy pantries; a smaller package would make it affordable so buyers won’t have to skip it when doing their food shopping. During times like this, consumers stick to basics.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
This has been my question to companies in the past few weeks: how are you adjusting your services and your products as people continue to tighten their belts? They have done this in 2008. Some companies survived but some didn’t. As for Monde Nissin, they told me they’re not reducing their packaging/weight but they’re adding “pairs” so that consumers would feel more value for money compared to competition, which have shrunk the sizes or weight. I remember in 2008, I had to ask Jollibee, the bellwether for Filipino consumption, how they would twist and turn as prices of rice and oil skyrocketed. If I remember it correctly, the CEO’s response was they would have smaller rice portion (Jollibee is the largest private sector rice importer in the country). I remember showing in my article the gross and profit margins of that company and computing the differences for several quarters to illustrate how inflation compresses them.
It’s tricky. If your products and services are discretionary, you would have to do gymnastics to be able to ride this crisis. As I have learned during several economic cycles, when you’re not part of the “basics” basket, you should increase marketing spend while sticking to producing your core products and innovations have to take the backseat. This is something that Microsoft and Apple did during the Global Financial Crisis of 2008-2009. This is what I learned, too, in my classes at the Asian Institute of Management.
Let’s see how other sectors would respond. I have yet to receive their email responses to my questions.
Here is Kimchi this morning, taking a nap with me. Squishy. 🐱🐾
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Here is me a few hours later after giving her and Sushi a bath.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
They hissed their way out of the towels when they were being dried. Sushi in particular wanted to kill us and acted like she’s dying at the same time.
Murderous cats. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
It’s Maundy Thursday today, (and in the Christian calendar) it’s when Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. It was His act of humility and service and his demonstration that we must love one another and that there is no ranking in God’s love.
“I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you” (John 13:15).
Love hurts. Love is humility. Love is service. There shouldn’t be any hierarchy in love because—I don’t know, you just love. I would die for my children if it means I could save them. Just as Jesus died for us to save us, without any hierarchy of who among us he loved the most.
I loved even though I hurt, thinking that love could turn a heart of stone softer. However, there are just some things that love can’t conquer so I just leave it up to Him. I did not seek revenge but instead I sought peace because it’s hard to live with so much hatred. In the end, it will just be up to God.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:17-21
card from worldchallenge.org
We didn’t go yet to Intramuros because the girls aren’t finished studying for their finals on Monday until Wednesday next week. They should clean their bikes tomorrow morning so we can go in the afternoon. Friends had been posting on Facebook that the provinces are clogged and the traffic even going to Quezon Province is intolerable. A classmate of my girls said it took them 9 hrs of driving to Baguio.
This is the reason why I love staying in Metro Manila during Holy Week. The roads are clear and we can just do cartwheels in the middle of Makati CBD 😂
In the meantime, I transplanted some of my flowers and sowed some petunia seeds.
I hope they don’t die. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
So far so good. My existing flowering plants are doing ok.
Photo by CallMeCreation.comThe morning glory that I transplanted to a hanging planter because it is starting to grow vines. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
And finally, I now have a yellow bell! I had been looking for this plant for a long time because this one creeps along walls and fences. By next year, this will be ready to be transplanted in my new house and creep along the wire fence that we had erected between our lot and the neighbor’s. I can make a trellis out of yellow bells.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Now that I’m done doing manual labor, my creative side is itching right now. I want to order more watercolors. I held back and just ordered Staedtler mechanical pencils because it’s easier to sketch with it and not bother sharpening my pencil all the time. I’m now impatiently waiting for it.
Makeshift easel. Photo by CallMeCreation.comYellow bell.Art and photo by CallMeCreation.comArt and photo by CallMeCreation.comArt and photo by CallMeCreation.com
It was every boy’s fantasy to be part of Top Gun after it was shown some thirty-plus years ago—my brother included. The aerial dog fights and anything about flying jet planes tickled their imagination. So I guess my brother is looking forward to watching Top Gun: Maverick. I also remember a poster of Top Gun Tom Cruise in the old house I grew up in…I asked my older sister why she put that up and she said she can’t remember why 😂 I’m thinking twice if I should brave watching this movie in theaters but this kind of movie should be watched on the big screen. I’m wary of being in enclosed spaces because Covid is still very much with us. One of the reporters in my bureau was reinfected with Covid, two months after of getting it in February. I don’t want to get bogged down by Covid again. It was just a nasty experience.
This is the reason why it’s better to completely heal first instead of using another person to “heal”/forget. To basically rebound. You’re still being toxic yourself so it’s gonna be hard to have a healthy relationship with anybody who still carries a lot of baggage.
Some friends don’t understand. It’s not me just holding on to the past; it’s me trying to be healthy first before anything else. I need to learn to completely love myself first before I love another person outside my immediate circle. But I’m not doing this with the goal of meeting a new person. I’m doing this for myself because I OWE it to myself. I’ve been through so much shit and it’s about time I prioritize me.
So right now I’m trying to start my week with good vibes. Like this, a clean workspace to motivate me to be productive on Mondays.
I bought a new desk mat because I’m tired of my mouse pad moving around my table. Photo by CallMeCreation.comWatering and pruning my plants everyday to keep them healthy. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
These are the little things I regularly do to love myself and appreciate life again.
Tomorrow I may go to Marikina to look around a pottery maker’s showroom for reasonably priced decorative clay pots and pedestals.
Pink is the color of tomorrow! Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My big roses have started to bloom again. Lots of patience and moving around of pots to learn the optimal sun exposure and watering frequency of these flowering plants. Good things come with patience. You can’t just rush things.
While the world is busy with Ukraine and its effect on each region, Myanmar has been largely ignored these days. The Myanmar central bank suddenly came out with a directive regarding forex:
A Myanmar resident, who asked not to be named for security reasons, expressed concern about being able to access their deposited savings and how much could be withdrawn.
“If we can’t withdraw, everything we earn will be stuck in the bank,” the resident said.
The official central bank exchange rate for the kyat is currently 1,850 per dollar, but this tends to be well below the unofficial black market rate.
The country’s economy is spiraling down further. It’s hard to do my reportage remotely when nobody is willing to talk to me, even anonymously.
Balloons over Bagan, Myanmar. Photo by Boris Ulzibat on Pexels.com
Looking forward to the Holy days next week. Metro Manila will be empty of people eager to go to the provinces as they do their revenge travel. The beaches will be teeming with people. As for me, I’m staying put since I know the provincial roads will be super clogged with SUVs. Maybe the girls and I can go to the Intramuros churches to do visita iglesia and at the same time I can do sketching. We can bring our bikes. We can also bike along Roxas Boulevard, along Manila Bay.
Manila Cathedral. Photo by Gerald Escamos on Pexels.com
Before that, I still need to help them review for their upcoming tests and I’m giving them some pointers for their music lessons.
My drawing for my girls’ music lesson. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Now I know why I had to go through those rigorous piano lessons and rondalla practices all those years: so I can teach my children music down the road. 🤔 I even had to teach them how to properly write a G clef. One day they will learn how to transcribe music notation on music staff, the least favorite of my duties as a music student 🎹 and glee club member.
After the first batch of their final exams, we will be celebrating the girls’ 11th birthday. I need to order food before everything closes down for the Holy Week.
