Well hello, crisis!

Brent oil went past USD 100 per barrel today as the Ukraine crisis intensifies. EU is basically cut off from Russian gas, which could send the price of all fossil fuels skyrocketing. Two weeks ago, I was just talking with a CEO of an LNG company who assured me that the sky-high spot market prices of LNG would later come down as more bunker ships will come online and upstream players are already ramping up their production. But then here comes Putin disrupting everything. Mind you, we are still reeling from the economic fallout caused by the pandemic.

From a selfish investor’s point of view, this is a buying opportunity.

But as a regular human being, this is a disaster. Especially since the vegetables I bought today from UP already cost PHP 1,000 in total. This is the reason why the poor cannot afford to eat vegetables. Either they choose vegetables or meat, not both in one meal because there’s no way that you can spend this much for vegetables if you’re only earning PHP 500 a day. The cost of transporting these goods are now astronomical given that we have a very inefficient agricultural supply chain and the rising cost of fuel is compounding the situation.

My veggies that cost PHP 1,000. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Electricity costs will kill us this summer ☀🌡since the Philippines is highly dependent on diesel, coal, and gas to fuel base load power plants. We have a lot of renewable energy power plants but they are volatile because they are not consistent 24/7 and the grid cannot support such volatility. It needs constant supply that only base loads can offer. And so far our base load plants are fired by dirty fuels and geothermal.


This morning I brought the feral male white cat to PAWS for his neutering. All was well and right now he’s recuperating in my neighbor’s backdoor after fetching him from PAWS at past 4 pm.

Whitey inside the cage behind the door in the isolation area of PAWS. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Some PAWS merchandise to help subsidize the needs of the animals under their care. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

And finally the expensive keyboard arrived. It’s sooooo girly and clicky. Hahahaha! Some serotonin boost for me while working. I am now transcribing a lengthy interview (over an hour) and I love typing on this thing; it’s like typing on an old-school typewriter.

Raspberry color POP keyboard and mouse from Logitech. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The mouse is really silent but hefty. The top part is held by magnets so when you accidentally drop the mouse, it will just come open but it will not break. I read that they did this to avoid breakage when you drop it; once the clicker or wheel is damaged, the mouse is already useless. The silent mouse is kinda weird to use when playing games though because you need tactile gamepads or mouse when playing.

The keyboard is heavy, which is a characteristic of real mechanical keyboards. I can swap the keys on the right side (the weird emoji shortcuts) and program them on the Logitech app. However, I don’t think I can switch other keys, unless other manufacturers make rounded keys for the likes of Logitech. This keyboard comes with extra keycaps for the emoji buttons. I thought I won’t be using them but—well, well, the emoji keys were useful when I was talking to my colleague/friend, L, this afternoon. I think I need to buy the separate numpad of similar design on Lazada. I already have it on my cart. I need it for work since I deal with a lot of numbers, ironically.


Speaking of my colleague, L, we were talking this afternoon about some stuff that she missed while she was away in Switzerland during the first two weeks of Feb. So I filled her in on the latest brouhaha involving J and the stuff I discovered. She said, “I don’t know why we always come across this kind of guys.” She also had a bad experience with a guy we code-named Jaded. Another narcissist who gaslighted her for a long, long time. He also led her on for a couple of years.

She said she recently met someone interesting in Switzerland and she wants to see him again. However, she said she has to be realistic because they’re far apart. I said at least she was able to meet a decent guy. If you consider meetings like this a hit or miss, mostly it’s a miss. As L’s friend said, for every 100 Tinder/Bumble date, there’s only one decent guy worth seeing again.

“I think you can meet up with people while healing. Don’t set so many limits for yourself,” she told me.

“But it’s scary. There are a lot of evil men out there. After my experience with J, I no longer know who is evil like him and who isn’t,” I told her.

She conceded. “Yeah, it’s hard to tell.”

She knows that because when we were talking about J that week that he and I started going out in Singapore four years ago, we were discussing that he seemed like a decent and harmless guy. How completely wrong we were. I’m still paying the price of that wrong judgment.

“He was a bad accident that caused me my sanity. I’m still undergoing psychotherapy until August. That’s why I’m scared of meeting people because I’m not yet well. I’m not yet sleeping properly,” I told her.

I’d rather stay home and stick to my friends. There are only very few decent men out there. Especially at my age group.


I’m happy that L has found a decent guy after that episode with that horrible Jaded. She was crying to me one time after Jaded invalidated her feelings and I told her he is gaslighting her…and that she is going nowhere. That was the last straw. She quit Jaded and enrolled for a CFA review. She threw herself into reviewing and she passed level 1. She is now reviewing for level 2. She sounds quite happy now.

So assignment to myself: 1) work double-time on my healing then 2) achieve some kind of certification as I mentioned here earlier–just for the heck of it–so I have something productive to occupy me and not mope around because of a person who did not add any value to me. 3) Then be a famous writer tucked away in some little hovel at the foot of a mountain (which I will be in a year). The famous part, I will be working on it 😂😂😂. Either I work on an academic book on journalism or I publish a book under fiction. I have an anthology of short stories with me but I don’t know where to publish it since most literary magazines I know of here have already stopped printing. We don’t have a version of The New Yorker here. A decade ago or so, I was working on a YA novel but I quit. One really needs a lot of concentration, discipline, and free time to be able to produce something like that.

In the meantime, I will continue urban sketching to keep me grounded and a bit happy.

Friyay!

Kimchi sleeping on my iPad. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m quite satisfied that I had been somewhat more productive this week despite my sleeping problem that I have yet to solve. I still keep waking up at 3 or 4 am. But so far I’m getting the hang of it now. The company I wrote about yesterday didn’t have issues about the article that came out today despite my earlier report about their stuff without their blessing. I hate it when companies file complaints when nothing was really wrong–it just so happened that I was able to dig information about them and I get to write about them without their spin. Anyway, that’s life for me. You can’t last in this business without having nerves of steel.

Speaking of cats, my neighbor had called a home service vet to spay the stray orange mommy cat and she’s recovering inside our cage stationed by my neighbor’s side/back door. I just have scheduled a neutering surgery for the white stray cat on the 24th but PAWS has yet to email me if my schedule is confirmed.

Painting everything, including my nails. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My hands were restless last night while I was attending our townhall meeting for the global editorial staff so I had my nails painted. Applying nail polish on myself without errors is an exercise to master holding and painting with an unwieldy brush. By the time I was done with my fingers and toenails, the meeting had ended.

Twin I complained about her cheap wireless mouse no longer working so I finally had an excuse to pass down this very reliable Logitech keyboard and mouse set to her and ordered my own Logitech mechanical wireless keyboard and mouse combo. It was more expensive than I was aiming for. I was initially thinking of buying the Royal Kludge mechanical wireless keyboard that I had been eyeing for a few months now but I saw the very colorful and retro Logitech one...I’m shallow like that. But hey, Logitech has been tested and my old set is working perfectly fine and the battery life lasts two or three years.

Lying down, staring at the lights and the ceiling. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m finally more relaxed this Friday compared to two weeks ago when I had to parse in my head the chaos that happened. I’m listening now to piano music while I lay sprawled on my bed. I’m thankful that I have settled down a bit and anxiety is slowly ebbing away. A lot of self-love and good support system are needed to be able to get up from every stumble like that. I thank my friends for being my crutches when I go through moments like that. K had been checking me every now and then and has been concerned about my lack of sleep. B has been reminding me that I am an ok human being and it is him who is problematic.

I am thankful that I no longer had this weight to carry with me around. He keeps chasing things but it seems like he doesn’t know what he wants. He is never really happy and I constantly worried about making him happy and satisfied when we were still together. But he never for once thought about my own happiness, about what I liked, what I wanted. It’s hard. Until he figures out whatever that he is supposed to be chasing, he will keep bouncing around. I couldn’t keep up with that, I finally realized.

With every stumble I had, I keep realizing things that I lost. The first time I grieved his physical loss. The second time is I grieved over the person I thought he was. The third—and hopefully the last time—is I grieved over the realization that I wasn’t really loved. I had to let go of that illusion now that I have digested all these–everything.

Giving my unconditional love, opening up my home and my life, and building up a family for him so he would no longer be alone was too costly—it was at the expense of my entire well-being. I am now going through therapy and God knows when I will be all right. Fourteen months is a long time. Although I can look at it this way: it gives me a better perspective on what I should be pursuing instead and found my true self in the process. I lost her somewhere along the way. I was so busy adulting and pleasing other people that I neglected myself.


As part of my art therapy, I will try urban sketching. I will be going out to work in a coffee shop and from time to time I will try to sketch my environment. Like the urban sketchers I follow on Instagram.

I feel excited whenever I start a new drawing.

I’ll probably start next week so I can finally finish three pending articles I have on my to do list.

I should buy lots and lots of sketch notebooks. I’ve been looking at them online…hehehehe.

Self-care

Self-care pack received today. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This came via Grab I think, sent by my corp comm friends. Unfortunately, I’m still not allowed to drink alcohol so I’ll keep it until I’m off alprazolam.

While working. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I have lighted the lavender-scented candle for good vibes because I’m still working past 8 pm. Rushed a billion-dollar deal story and did some admin stuff. I don’t know if I can continue with my daily art journal entry. I just started a new one but hmmm…I can’t figure out how to continue with this. I need inspiration.

Maybe I need to get out. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My friend M said he likes how I am healing myself (gardening, crafts, drawings, cooking) and friends could see that via Instagram. I told him that it’s nice that my work is very flexible and I can station myself anywhere. I can spend a week in Singapore if I want to or a week in Vietnam to escape. But not right now since Covid is still nasty. I have a few moments for myself for hobbies. I’m stabilizing now that I found that melatonin is helping me have better sleep quality. I should take 6 mg before 9 pm so I won’t have to wait until 5 am to fall asleep. Although I still get awakened at 4 am…and I don’t freaking know why.

As part of my healing process, I am purging one of the fondest memories I had of Valentine’s day. I am letting this go. This event may be part of the play-acting to manipulate me.

Victoria Peak at sunset. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Overlooking Hong Kong. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I held on to this memory of us trekking to Victoria Peak in Hong Kong to see the sunset. Then we crossed the bay on a ferry to Kowloon to have dinner. I thought it was very sweet. But I guess it was all a lie, ain’t it? I’m letting this go and this no longer belongs in my folder of precious memories.

Now I call this one below the Tower of Sauron. It’s all a lie.

Crossing to Kowloon. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Next time I fly to Hong Kong, I will supplant this with a better memory. It will all be gone like in the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I’m already desensitizing myself by digging through my folders and letting this out.

I know he’s charming others now to manipulate them to do his bidding. Classic characteristic of a narcissist. It was all about them, never caring for the other party. Even if they know that one thing is already wrong, they will insist on their own twisted reasoning, all for one-upmanship. It’s all about getting even or “winning” over the other person, be it an enemy or a partner.

It’s sad, actually. Sad for me because I thought I was loved, even for a moment. But in truth I was really targeted as the next vulnerable victim. During our first meeting, he lied and said all that stuff about Philippines being the Pearl of the Orient Seas before and how his firm wanted to invest in the country to bring it back on the world map. Later on when we were already together, he told me his firm doesn’t really give a crap about the country–it’s all about the deal. And that they have white-guy biases. I hated that he lied to me just to charm me. I was having doubts all throughout the relationship (bits and pieces here and there) and the big glaring warning was during the time we were in Bohol. But I guess that’s how he gaslighted me all those 2.5 years. I’m so gullible, right?

I had told my friends before that I’ll be ok–that when I look back when I’m already 60 years old, I can say that I’ve been loved and it’s all that counts…Well I am wrong. I was never loved. It was all in my head. I, who had come out of a failed marriage, wanted to believe what I only wanted to believe. See what I only want to see. Big red flag was when I mistakenly opened his Facebook logged in on her ex-gf’s account. He was still stalking her. And he wasn’t over her because he still wanted to chase her to California and settle there, even to the point of staying with his sister even though they’re not in good terms. He told me to prove to the ex that he “made it” after she told him that he is dumb to throw his medical career away. To prove her wrong. Well, if it’s not being over her, what was I doing there??? As I said before, I was a void filler.

What is love? I don’t know what it is anymore. I no longer know how it is to be loved since I’m always the one expending the energy and giving all.

So fuck Valentine’s Day. It’s an invention of Hallmark cards.

Memories. Fucking memories. I am letting them all go now. They were all lies anyway.

Rusty, wrong materials

I’m missing the sea. Now that it’s getting hotter, the call of the sea has been growing stronger than ever. K told me he’s going to be in Boracay next week for a week’s stay. I bet he would be having a sexy Valentine’s date/s on Monday. He should just spare me the details.

The pencil sketch looked promising…

Art and Photo by CallMeCreation.com

But I can’t translate it into watercolor. Even though this is a Moleskine drawing notebook, it is NOT a watercolor paper drawing notebook. The colors bleed and the paper keeps piling. My Sakura Pigma Micron drawing pens are missing. I could only use my Pilot Dr. Grip pen to make outlines.

I think I should stick to pencils and charcoal in the meantime until I get myself proper watercolor papers and more practice. It has been 25 years since I did my last watercolor.

I’ll try to salvage this one tomorrow. I’m just a bit tired. I spent 4 hours gardening today, re-potting plants and removing old soil that has been infected by nematodes and root rot.

Aside from that I cooked brunch and dinner.

Omelette rice for brunch. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I only got 1 hr of nap today. I again was woken up at 4 am and had a hard time falling back to sleep. However, I did get better quality sleep last night after taking melatonin. I should try to make it 6 mg tonight so I can have a bit of deep sleep.

It’s better to be tired at least there’s less time thinking about the things I shouldn’t be thinking about so I hurt less. I wish it’s that easy. Thinking about dating again makes my stomach churn. I don’t think I’m made for this. I think I’ll be better solo.

My friend from my old TV network asked me if I want to have a date on Monday, because he knows someone interested and he can play match-maker. I said NO. The thought made my skin crawl. After my vehement no, my friend said he was only joking.


The Marcoses are really out of touch. Imee Marcos mocks people who work 18 hrs a day.

Ka Leody blasts Imee Marcos video mocking people who work 18 hours a day

Sen. Imee Marcos. and Labor leader and presidential aspirant Leody De Guzman. ABS-CBN News/file

Out of anger, I made a caricature of her. She is called mangga (mango) because of her long chin.

Mangga Imee. Art and Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Thank God it’s Friday

Kimchi having a good stretch. Photo by CallMeCreation,com

After one week of drama, I’m a little bit better today. Writing down all those feelings and processing them helped me regain my confidence and self-worth. I should never lose sight of that. I may be fat and unglamorous, but at least I’m not a bimbo or a bitch. I think I’ll be fine in the coming weeks.

As part of my purging, I finally used the Dr. Jart face mask that J gave me from his trip to S.Korea in 2019, which I had been saving for some unidentified special occasion. Well, there’s no more reason to hold on to the only thing he deliberately gave me as a present. It’s done. It’s gone. And my girls facilitated the application. Actually, it was their idea to finally use it.

I finally gave up the pretense that I will be productive today. I just finished one edit today and the rest are admin tasks. Then I brought the girls to Centris for their Covid jabs.

Looks like party. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I expected more chaos since we’re talking about kids 5 years-11 years old but the QC admin did a great job of facilitating a sane vaccination program for children. There was some kind of entertainment, food, and giveaways so the children can be distracted. It took us 2 hrs since there were a lot of kids. At least the venue is airconditioned and had enough seats for both the children and parents/guardians.

We have to be back on March 4 for the second jab. Then we can go diving!!!

QC Memorial Park. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

After the vax, we went to Manila Seedling Bank (again!) to buy more plants/flowers. The girls had been inspired now that the front of our apartment is now pretty. Even our neighbors admired my flowers. It’s much more pleasant now within the compound and you tend to forget the mess that my neighboring unit has.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Don’t ask me how much I’ve spent on my plants–I think enough to buy me a brand new Nintendo Switch. I don’t know which hobby would benefit my mental health though.

Among the long-neglected chores I did today is to have my car washed after months of letting it get dirty. After dropping off the plants, I went to the car wash and distracted myself with a milkshake.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It was ok. Enough sugar to keep me going because I wasn’t able to compensate for the lack of sleep today. Even though I took alprazolam last night, I still woke up at around past 4 am and God knows at what time I fell back to sleep. I was so sleepy all day. I now took melatonin but only 3 mg. It’s not knocking me out yet. Maybe I should hike it to 10mg.

This is the consequence of having a hyperactive brain. Can’t stop thinking even at night, hence, the sleeplessness. I haven’t had deep sleep for a long, long time now.


Some friends from Philippine Star published this on Facebook and I tweeted it and tagged one editor of Philstar.com. “Hey, @xxx, who did this? (laughing emoji),” I tweeted. He tweeted back, “We’re still searching for the culprit.”

Then I posted this on IG and said “We’re the ones whose hearts are being broken all the time.” An ex-journo-turned-lawyer friend commented with a lot of laughing emojis. Ahhh, she is one of the many journo friends I had whose heart got trampled on. After the big split, she went to law school.

If she went to law school to heal, then maybe I should go for that CIIA exam instead of CFA. A colleague told me this is more relevant to our work (she’s preparing for her CFA level 2 exam) and investments in general if I want to jump into fund management. Or should I finally pursue my PhD? I was about to apply for graduate school in 2009 under a Reuters scholarship program in NYU and internship in Washington, D.C. I didn’t pursue it because my new (now ex-) husband then didn’t want to come with me. I knew if I left, I wouldn’t have any husband to come back to.

Maybe I should have pursued it then. But then my girls told me if I did, then I won’t have them. They have a point.

Goodbye, Philippines Part 2

This is so fucked up. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This is really making me consider going to Canada. Apply for a graduate school scholarship there (but it’s fucking cold), go with my kids (free basic education) and kapoof! Or to New Zealand but I may just end up milking cows because they don’t need my skills there. They have enough of my type there.

Anyway, it’s not an option right now since my passport is going to expire next month and I still couldn’t get an appointment with the Dept of Foreign Affairs. WHY IS IT SO HARD to get a simple government service??? I need to fly to Singapore in May and June.

Meanwhile, this other table shows that the bigger the N=, the smaller the gap between Marcos and other candidates. So there might be some *hope* there.

The other surveys’ sample sizes are 1,500-3,000 vs RP MDF’s which had an N=10,000

Also in 2016, Leni trailed in the surveys but she won in unlikely places.

Praying for a miracle right now.


I’m on alprazolam right now but it’s not doing me any good. I slept at 3 am today and woke up at 5 am. what kind of sleep is that???

Melatonin good for a month. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My psych said I can take melatonin because of my sleeping issues. She can’t just jack up my dosage of alprazolam–that would really mess me up. This was also prescribed to Covid patients who have trouble fixing their body clocks. Why it’s only now I asked about melatonin from my doctor, I don’t know. Maybe I was scared if it has any conflict with alprazolam. Or maybe I was afraid of no longer waking up. If I didn’t have kids, yeah, why not? But I have kids and I love them so I can’t risk dying.

But this sleeping problem is really affecting my productivity.


My friend, B, has booked herself a one-month stay in Boracay and she asked me if I want to join her for our own version of “Eat, Love, Pray” hiatus from the world. I said, why not? I’m about to send my girls to their grandma to attend an entrance exam review school for the summer and I can work remotely in a resort with B. I said I can join her after the girls’ birthday. She and I will be kite boarding every morning before we go to work.

My older sister also said the same thing; she wanted to book a month’s stay in some seaside resort. I said Anilao will be good since she doesn’t have to fly and she is a certified scuba diver so she has something to do. So I need to find a place for her so I can join her from time to time.

I told B about my solo Palawan trip and she said she could tag along. We could do El Nido; I’ll see how long we can stay there.

I just need to get rid of this toxicity that surrounded me since Friday. It doesn’t help that the girls kept looking at the girl whom J cheated me with on Facebook and kept watching her vlogs. “Mommy, she kept on talking about ‘Do you want to earn extra money?’ but she only shows her boobs!'” I told Twin A to stop it because I don’t want to know! My girls call her bakla because they said she looked like a gay man cross-dresser. It was cruel, I know. Maybe they are that angry with J. They refuse to refer to him as tito anymore. It was my friend, Jo, who lives in the same condo who told me about her. She always sees the girl walking along the riverside. “Yeah, she’s the type who wants a quick ticket to live abroad. Many of them in this condo who are with foreigners are like that. You know the type,” she said. Yeah. Many of them love to hang out in Poblacion, Makati. In the red light district, feeling like it’s the coolest place to be. That’s why I always beg K not to book dinners there (being a gay man, yeah, he likes it there).

I remember working in a Starbucks branch there with J because we were meeting with a startup guy. We saw an old Korean uncle with his very young plaything. J commented, “Very typical of these old uncles.” Little did he know that he has become an old uncle himself who got his own maldita hija de puta.

Jo said, “I can’t believe that he also chased M*** at the same time!”

I said, “Ah yeah, you were also there in that E*** awards party, right?”

Ugh. The world is really, really small.


So yeah, I think two weeks or just a week in Boracay will do wonders. Kite boarding in the morning. B and I can have our breakfast along Bulabog beach. Then work. She cooks and I also cook. Run along the beach for exercise until sunset. I can take a week off in May or June for Palawan–if I’m not flying to Singapore or Thailand. B just came back from the US and I haven’t asked her yet regarding her status with her guy in MD. But we have all the time in the world to talk about that in April. She just needs to go to Masbate after April or in March to visit some family properties.

It would be nice to get away from all these. I’m getting tired of the city but I really don’t want to be near family. What to do???

The world seems bigger than both of us

Yet it seems so small when I begin to cry

– Splender –

Ah, truer words have never been spoken.