Because J has fallen in stature in my eyes, thinking about him hurts less now. Or maybe this is because I have been sleeping better that’s why I can talk like this now. Maybe if I start to become sleep-deprived again I would be back to being emotional again.
He used to be the only star in my night. Now that star has died.
Maybe I needed that jolt that I’ve experienced these past weeks to be able to realize that, hey, he isn’t really that special. And he is not a nice guy after all. I died several times over this person but he really can’t destroy me. I know who I am and what I am capable of. I may not be a CEO of a company or a high-flying executive that he could admire but I know I’m very good in what I do. I have everything that I needed. I have a home and I have love in the form of two not-so-little girls.
While he doesn’t have those.
Death of a star. He has now become a stardust.
To add to our worries, here comes another variant. We are going through the entire Greek letters while the Duterte administration is raping us wide eyes open.
To calm my frayed nerves, I ordered new cloths to make into masks for my friends’ children in appropriate kid sizes.
From Shopee. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The weekend is coming soon. Let’s see how many I can make.
I am sleeping better the last few nights compared to the previous weeks when I wake up almost every hour. The pain was just too much that it has completely wrecked my body clock. My body is now recuperating by sleeping every chance I get during my leave from work.
Lying on my bed before falling off to sleep, be it night or day, gave me a chance to ruminate over the things that happened recently. J’s recent behavior made me question everything about him and everything that went on between us. I probably put him too high on a pedestal that’s why I didn’t question things that I should have. Now, I am questioning whether there was some truth in the sexual harassment case against him in his last firm. When he told me about it after he was stripped off of his company phone and company laptop when he was forced to go on garden leave, I totally accepted that it was false accusation and that it was an injustice and that they just wanted him out of the company.
Now the way he pursued this kid from within my circle sounds so carnal. As one of my friends said, he is scary creepy.
It puts things in a new light that I haven’t viewed before.
Maybe his scary creepy behavior would be ok for some local woman/girl who wants to snag a foreigner boyfriend to milk or wants him as her ticket to going abroad and out of poverty.
Maybe I was too blind, gave him too much credit. Excused him too many times. I believed in him so much that I ignored everything else.
I don’t know what else to think. I wish he would leave the country soon so he could stop hurting me. This city is too small for the both of us.
I want my sleep back. I want my sanity back. I want peace. I want to stop hurting.
The world around me is collapsing; everything is on fire and yet this administration is doing nothing but politicking and ransacking the coffers. The healthcare workers are going on strike tomorrow. Our foreign debt has gone into trillions but we couldn’t see where the proceeds of those debt went to. No vaccines, no wide testing, no effective contact tracing. Those useless face shields are sources of corruption. Every corner of this administration was flagged by the state auditor.
This does not merit any column inch. The swaying of his helicopter and “near-death” experience is obviously a pre-campaign propaganda. It has been done by presidential aspirants through the years. So sue me! I had been in media for too long to know a skunk when I smell one. The TV5 news desk can argue that the order to publish this kind of inane news item came from the principals because the franchise of Maynilad Water Services (a sister company) has already been granted by Congress so they need to put grease on it to make sure everything runs smooth.
The political economy of media at play. Or the desk is just stupid (as sometimes is the case).
This. This is the type of news that we should not let go of. Eyes on the ball, people!
Meanwhile, I count myself lucky that we could still eat well despite the widespread hardships across the globe. Sometimes I feel guilty. That’s why I do my best to help and teach my children the same. I have yet to send the packs of powdered milk I bought to the orphanage in Manila. Because the capacity to collect donations by the nuns has been diminished by this pandemic. They’re taking care of abandoned elderly and orphans.
To alleviate the anxiety and anger building within me, my daughters and I had a cheeseboard. But I don’t have the actual cheeseboard, just the cheese and charcuterie. And Italian red wine. Because it’s Monday. And it sucks normally.
And there are food items that should be treated with respect. Like this steak. I didn’t have the heart to grill this on the gas-fired grill last weekend. I had to use the charcoal grill because I want the smokiness. My daughter, Twin I, and I made mashed potatoes from scratch to go with the steak.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My emotions are running high. Anger, anxiety, pain, what-have-you. I no longer know. I’m just limited to Twitter; I cannot write what I want to write to expose all that is wrong with the world right now. I no longer have a platform.
But then, that’s the reason why I walked away from local media in the first place. Because I cared too much that it drained me. I think this internal conflict will stay with me until I fade away.
Delta is just getting started. Then here comes Lambda, which researchers say is more worrisome as this seems to be more resistant to existing vaccines right now. The DOH today announced that it’s finally here and the fact that the UP-Philippine Genome Center’s tests are late, that variant could be anywhere now attacking everyone. Even Israel, the most vaccinated country in the world, has acknowledged that their preferred vaccines, BioNT/Pfizer could not hold up against Delta so now they’re having people vaccinated with boosters. How can we even face off Delta and Lambda with Sinovac when most of us only had that choice? Then people are not even rallying, crying foul over the PHP 67bn “lost” by DOH. Most of the vaccines that we have here are donated; we could still not account for the loans that were supposed to buy vaccines.
Everything is so messed up right now.
Last year, I was exaggerating to friends and co-workers that I will only be able to go back to our office in Singapore in 2023. It seems like it’s coming true. I don’t see any ending to this yet.
My kids, meanwhile, are so bored out of their skulls and I can’t blame them for trying out new stunts. The books I ordered from Big Bad Wolf are still stuck at Customs, while the Nancy Drew book I just bought from Carousell would still have to be shipped.
So here’s my daughter, Twin I, sleeping a la Harry Potter in that “secret reading room” (a big closet that seems to have no real purpose). Just because.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I’m suffering from abdominal cramps and body aches because of my period but I had to get out of the house because we ran out of vegetables. I was half-afraid that I wouldn’t be allowed to go inside UP to buy from the vegetable stall inside the campus. Good thing I was wrong. Being able to get inside the campus and being around trees felt good.
Then I went to buy tea for me and the girls near Bahay ng Alumni, as a treat for being able to go out after 10 days.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
And since I was already up and about, I took the opportunity to have my car washed after weeks, if not months, of letting it get dirty because it was raining non-stop.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
If the lockdown is lifted by the time I am on leave from work, then I need to attend to the under chassis again and have it checked (just for safety, 16-year-old cars have a looooootttt of wear-and-tear issues). Then have its aircon cleaned. Gee, it sounds exactly like what I did last year when I went on leave, the same month.
Elections
I would also have to reactivate my voter’s ID with the Commission on Elections (Comelec) during my leave because I have skipped several elections as I was working on election days. I probably got delisted.
But this is one election where every single vote would count so I would exert extra effort. Gotta vote out Duterte and his minions.
Speaking of elections, I was invited by the chair of the Parish Pastoral Council for Responsible Voting (PPCRV) to join them at their headquarters on election week. Well, she volunteered me to join them (LOL!). That’s why I have to move my voting precinct from my hometown to QC so it would be feasible for me. PPCRV and the National Citizens Movement for Free Elections (Namfrel) have worked with Comelec in the past as the citizen’s arm–as watchdogs–every elections. However, the two of them have become toothless last elections because–I don’t know… They get drowned out by the DDS on social media. I don’t know what happened there–no protests or batting of eyelash when the 7-hour glitch happened that allowed the nincompoop senators to enter the magic 12 and none from the opposition got a place.
Anyway, I had always volunteered for the PPCRV ever since I was legally allowed to vote. I remember then that it was PPCRV-Namfrel, but then somewhere along the way the two groups had a falling out.
Anyway, it was just PPCRV that was left working with the Catholic Church. Why was I working with the Catholic Church? Well our house is literally spitting distance from our parish. It was convenient. On election day, I would be assigned to one remote precinct to oversee the literal counting of votes because I had a car and I can drive. I had with me a physical spreadsheet to record the votes and sent the numbers via text messages (analog phones, yes) to the command center, usually at the parish office next to our house and that’s where my mom was stationed. She usually also volunteered for PPCRV (both of us were given PPCRV shirts to wear on election day so that Comelec officials would allow us to witness vote counting). These are then recorded in the lone computer at the center and then the data are sent to the national command center in Metro Manila. If I remember it right, they had at one time stationed themselves at La Salle Greenhills. Yes, this was pre-automation, when every ballot box could physically be stolen. In rural areas, there were many instances of politicians’ private armies stealing the ballot boxes or ambushing the vehicles that were carrying the ballot boxes to the Comelec center of a province.
I wasn’t able to volunteer during the 2016 presidential elections because I was already working for my current company, which doesn’t care for our national elections, so it was supposed to be business as usual for me. Ditto during the 2019 elections, plus I couldn’t leave J stranded at home so that is that.
Now let’s see how next year’s elections would be. Myla told me I would be stationed at the national HQ because she needs journalists there. Or so her pitch to me was that. I can’t remember now what she said.
Come to think of it, I had always volunteered for so many causes that I don’t remember how I am able to accomplish other things. I’m all over the place.
And we have 14,000 new infections today. Very apt.
To make myself feel better, I tried again the oven and grill feature of my new stove top. Less oily food for us today.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I received some packs of Quorn products from its parent company as part of their relaunch in the Philippines. So for today I baked the vegetarian nuggets while i cooked tamagoyaki on top of the oven.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
After this I removed the pan and replaced it with a wire mesh to grill okra.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I haven’t tried grilling steaks on this gas griller and I don’t want to ruin a perfectly seasoned steak. Not yet anyway. But I tried grilling burgers on it last week.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
It has been quite a while since my meals have become irregular. Too much work. But it was last week when I realized that I had consistently been eating less in terms of serving and frequency. Only twice a day. I tried fasting yesterday with only milk as my source of nutrition (breakfast). By 4 pm I gave up. I couldn’t go without food. I needed to eat, especially after writing a 1,500-word article.
So if I should attempt again to fast, I should do it on a weekend and not when I am pressured to write epics. 🤦🏻♀️
I am distracting myself with cooking because right now I want to kill the DOH secretary. I don’t want to be stressed today with news about him and the COA report. And the mass resignation of healthcare workers.
Meanwhile, the lockdown may be extended given the steady rise in the number of new cases and hospitals operating at maximum capacity. A lot of people are going hungry again. I am in touch with one of the community pantry organizers here and they are now distributing food packs to jeep and tricycle drivers. I’ll see if I can give them a hand during my work leave.
This lockdown will never end and this Delta variant is just getting started. I’m scared for my children as no vaccine has been allowed for those aged 18 and below. Even if I’m already fully vaccinated, I can still carry the virus back home when I’m buying supplies outside. I haven’t gone out since Thursday last week or 8 days. My freezer is holding up so I really don’t have to buy meat but I have gone low on vegetables. I have to brave it tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Dept of Health Secretary Duque is going straight to hell. He has to answer a lot of questions…missing funds, unpaid hazard pay and allowances to healthcare workers, missing PhilHealth money…He is Satan’s little worker. He’s going straight to hell.
According to Commission on Audit (COA), DOH spent PHP 700,000 (USD 13,868) for four laptops. I wonder what kind of rocket DOH was launching to require them to buy a laptop costing PHP 175,000 (USD 3,467) each.
When I was still reporting on national issues, I used COA reports during my slow news days to investigate how each line agency or Congress is spending its budget. I once wrote about congressmen spending most of their pork barrel on waiting sheds and basketball courts that do not exist. When I was doing the investigative reports on the Napoles pork barrel scam, I used COA reports to follow the money and I haunted the Securities and Exchange Commission to get the General Information Statements of the NGOs that were supposedly the recipients of the pork barrel funds.
PhilHealth not paying hospitals is already crippling the country’s healthcare system. A lot of hospitals are going belly-up and many more will become crippled and may have to close down if this goes on. I wrote a long-form article last year regarding this. As some of my sources said, private hospitals outside Metro Manila have bigger exposure to Philhealth compared to those in Metro Manila as the percentage of privately insured patients and out-of-pocket payers is higher in the country’s capital compared to the provinces. This is dangerous since there is a dearth of public and private hospitals in the provinces and if you have a raging pandemic, it’s like you have already doomed the population that lives outside Imperial Manila.
I was supposed to write something related to this for a local news outfit but the lockdowns and my lack of free time for other things outside my day job have hampered me from doing this. This kind of reportage requires old-fashioned shoe-leather journalism—it involves poring over voluminous public records and documents that could only be provided by sources. Clandestine meetings with sources. Working as an independent journalist on output-basis arrangement with a news agency is not feasible unless the journalist is under a grant. Investigative stories should be done by news outfits that can dedicate a team for this, which we did before. It’s expensive and a lot of work. The news desk will also be understaffed because it will lose people who can write and edit daily spot stories because these people will have to dedicate their waking hours to the project.
So I can’t blame newspapers, TV networks, and online news outfits for not being able to build and retain a special team to tackle stuff like this. They are caught up with the day-to-day production of news stories as they fight for eyeballs and ad revenues. And this country is not like Singapore where nothing happens–where trivial things get front page treatment. Our news cycle is faster than other markets–about two weeks max–because this country is just too fucked up, too many things happening. I remember going through and reporting on a civil war, major earthquake, and earth’s strongest typhoon on record, all of which happened in just three months.
So it is up to the special dedicated investigative journalists to put these corruption stories to the spotlight.
All The President’s Men and Spotlight will not happen if not for them.
