Some friends from the industry messaged me earlier tonight that they were at the Vietnamese restaurant near my apartment. In two minutes I was there. I had dinner of chicken pho and then we proceeded to the wine cellar a block away and they had a few glasses of rose while I had a sip (because I really can’t drink).
It was nice seeing them again in person. The last time we had virtual drinks was in August when we were talking about that girl that J was chasing. Anyway, we were talking about what happened to me in February (the painting that was sent to me, the cheating discovery, etc) and my road to recovery now. M, who was the only guy in the group tonight and the chauffeur, said my story was so wild and he said that I was a strong person to have endured such kind of treatment.
Then we talked about our anxieties and stresses. Like Mdz, she is so stressed about her boss who is not that bright and she’s looking for another job; Lou, who was so stressed with what happened yesterday during her first face-to-face coverage and then her story didn’t come out because of office politics; and M, who is so stressed with his new boss that he already wanted to quit the newspaper business and justfigure out his next move. He’s rich anyway so he can afford not to have a plan B. So the three of them just said they would want to open a business and M would be the financier. <<< This is the type of talk among friends who are already weary with life. They’re all single so why not???
I invited these friends for dinner or lunch at home; we can grill something and I will cook a full set meal. I still have wine. Mdz said she will bring wine, M said he’ll bring the steak, and Lou will bring whatever. I’ll just have to plan it. Perhaps the weekend after the elections. Maybe we will all commit harakiri if BBM wins.
Prior to the message and the dinner and drinks with them, the girls and I went to Gateway to get our glasses. The style and brand (Ann Taylor) of my glasses were the same with minor changes. But I still miss my old glasses because this new one doesn’t sit on the bridge of my nose well like the old one did. Anyway, I’m glad it’s here so I can draw again.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Tomorrow we’ll go biking with our Leni T-shrts, baller and watches in solidarity with those who will be at the Grand rally in Makati.
I already paid for the girls’ school tuition this afternoon. Writing the check and handing that amount to the school cashier every May is always a leap of faith.
They will be having a hybrid setup where the children will be divided into batches: some kids will be physically in school on MW while the others are at home; then they will be at home for T-TH while the others will be in school. Thank you for small mercies like this because my kids are tired of online school. I would have been tired too if I were in their shoes.
I have also paid for their high school entrance exam review tonight. They will have the sessions starting June every weekday afternoon and by August through September they will be having it every Sunday, for 4 hrs every morning until noon.
Alongside that are their regular Kumon sessions.
Twin I complained that they already have too much on their plate. I told them that was nothing when I was their age. I had high school entrance exam review classes, Math tutorial, Sunday (Catholic Church) school, and Rondalla practices, piano lessons, and goodness knows what else. I rode public transport through all of these. I didn’t complain because it was expected of me and there’s this unspoken pressure that 1) must always be an honor student; 2) must pass UP high school and UP (college) or else I will fail my parents and bring them shame since my brother topped those exams; my older siblings always graduated with honors, if not valedictorian. I was not given a choice not to pass those exams. I was not given a choice not to be an honor student.
It was not an option.
My kids are luckier because they know I have a Plan B. My parents had no Plan B for me then. It was taboo. I was the only one among my siblings who didn’t take the Philippine Science High School exam because right off the bat I knew I will not pursue a science career. My other choice then was Philippine High School for the Arts but I was confused whether I would be pursuing theater then or creative writing so in the end I didn’t take the screenings, but I already had in my hand the application forms. In the end I just rested my entire future in one entrance exam and it was only now that I realized that I would have been truly fucked if I didn’t pass UP high. My mom said, just a few years ago, that she was confident that her children would pass. I just don’t know where she got the confidence that I would.
My kids are now pressured to choose what their career paths would be–Twin I came to me one night and told me she doesn’t know what high school track she should pursue. I told them they could be whatever they want. They wouldn’t know what they wanted to do in life even after they graduate from college. I told them some friends keep reinventing themselves 20 years after. So they shouldn’t lose their hair trying to figure out what they wanted to do because things change.
I was the rare person who knew at 16 what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Twenty-six years after, I’m still doing it and I have no regrets.
This song by Sam Smith is so apt for me right now. I used to always downgrade myself, thinking that I didn’t deserve so and so things, this person, this…Blame it on low self-esteem growing up. It took me 40 years to realize that no, I’m not so bad after all. That I’m ok. Sometimes more than ok. If only I knew what I know now back when I was in my 20s, I could’ve saved me a lot of heartache and sorrow.
But then adulting is like that, isn’t it?
Have you ever felt like being somebody else? Feeling like the mirror isn’t good for your health? Every day I’m tryin’ not to hate myself But lately, it’s not hurtin’ like it did before Maybe I am learning how to love me moreIt used to burn Every insult, every word But it helped me learn (yeah) Self-worth I had to earn So I tried every night To sit with sorrow And eventually, it set me freeHave you ever felt like being somebody else? Feeling like the mirror isn’t good for your health? Every day I’m tryin’ not to hate myself But lately, it’s not hurtin’ like it did before Maybe I am learning how to love me moreJust a little bit (love me more) Just a little bit (love me more) Oh, no (love me more) Just a little bit (love me more)I used to cry myself to sleep at night I’d blame the sky when the mess was in my mind I couldn’t see, I couldn’t breathe So I sat with sorrow And eventually, it set me freeHave you ever felt like being somebody else? Feeling like the mirror isn’t good for your health? (If you have, let me hear you right now) Every day I’m tryin’ not to hate myself (yeah, yeah, yeah) But lately, it’s not hurtin’ like it did before (sweet child) Maybe I am learning how to love me moreJust a little bit (love me more) Just a little bit (love me more) Oh, I’m gonna try to (love me more) With a little bit of love (love me more)Love me more Love me more (just a little bit) Love me more (love me more) Love me moreOh, gonna love me more (gonna love me more) Oh, gonna love me more (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, gonna love me more (gonna love me more) (Oh) oh, gonna love me more
This is me while working, my cat Sushi joining me in my press conference.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The weekend is soon here. Saturday we will stick near our apartment because there will be a gigantic traffic jam as people will be gathering in Makati CBD, and the stage for the Leni x Kiko Grand Rally will be located at Ayala Ave cor Paseo de Roxas. I think this will attract one million people and will spill over to Edsa. The whole of Makati CBD will be clogged—there will be a domino effect so everything else is going to be frozen.
I wanted to go there, but my hotel reservations came a week earlier and I don’t have room in my budget this month for another staycation in the CBD area. My sister said it’s difficult to attend these rallies because you have no place to pee, it’s hot, and parking is a nightmare. My fear of Covid is winning over my FOMO (fear of missing out). My kids and I will just probably bike around with Leni x Kiko posters all over us.
And these text spams by Marcos? I fight back…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I enjoy trolling them.
Hearing this many people sing the national anthem in unison made my skin crawl. A lot of my friends and even my sister said that being there was surreal, something that you would only experience in extraordinary times.
That’s why when they said (social media is abuzz) that the next grand rally will be in Makati, along Ayala Avenue on 30 April, I told my sister we should book a room in Manila Peninsula for two nights to have a good view and at the same time my mom can also experience this.
I was asking my friend from my old TV network if the Makati venue and date is confirmed (he’s covering all campaign sorties/rallies of Leni nationwide), he said we can only know a week before the event because this is only arranged by the volunteers.
So let’s see if I can book with free cancellation, just in case they change.
Today was so hot that my Twin A bought me an ice cream cone ❤️ while I was working this noon.
Selecta ice cream. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
And it’s still March. It would be a lot hotter in the coming weeks. I’m already melting.
I don’t know how I spent the rest of my day but the time flew fast and I didn’t even do much. I just edited one story and for the life of me I could not figure out what else I did. Mostly admin tasks that really eat up my Mondays.
I just cooked egg drop soup with mishua and leeks for K and sent it with the Himeji Castle Gardens gate sketch tonight. He said he gets bloated with certain foods after his surgery but he can slowly take in rice in the form of rice porridge.
Tomorrow I think I’ll do bulalo since I bought beef shanks. I will make a clean soup out of this and lots and lots of veggies. I’ll cook it for 4 hrs on high or 8 hrs on low on the slow cooker.
The board under my desk’s drawer became loose so I had to repair it. I had to take out a lot of stuff and among the found stuff lurking in there were plastic pictures of Spirited Away and My Neighbor Totoro I bought from Donguri Republic in Taipei in 2016. It’s only now that I was able to frame it after hoarding frames from Ikea yesterday.
Chihiro no Sen. Photo by CallMeCreation.comMy Neighbor Totoro. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
It took me 6 years to have this framed and see it up. 😂 At least it would be there to lift my spirits when I am having a basura day.
I created a sanctuary here. When the world throws shit at you, you can retreat to your sanctuary and be surrounded by things that you love. That is the essence of home. Home is a place where your heart can rest, soothe your ruffled feathers, and feel protected. This is the first real home I had since I left my hometown. I never felt safe and really comfortable in all the houses that I lived when I got married. I never considered those houses mine because I never had a say in those houses. This apartment was truly a sanctuary for me, even if it’s just a rental. I created this home with my own hands.
I found my Sony Walkman mp3 player and I got to hear my playlist that had so much history for me on my Edifier speaker. 8 GB worth of songs. At this moment I’m listening to Porter Robinson‘s Shelter and before that was Yoko Kanno x Aoi Teshima’s Because. These songs brought me back to the a time and space I thought things were just right. When I was happy.
These songs also tugged at my heartstrings when I was broken.
When we transfer to our new home, I will have the freedom to play music as loud as I want. I don’t have to deal with neighbors. Especially when I play Soundgarden 😄
It’s that time of the month that I have to deal with finances. This is the amount of receipts that I have to tally and check where my money went.
Too many receipts. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I don’t throw away receipts quickly because I need to check them and record them on my daily diary to track spending. I have an Excel file of my monthly budget and I have to adhere to it. That’s how I get to have room for spending for frivolous things because I have earmarked xx amount for “fun money”. Sometimes I go overboard (like this month) but I have enough wiggle room as not to destroy my monthly spending.
When I was growing up, I often saw my mom hunched over the tocador (Spanish – dressing table) with a calculator and a little notebook, balancing the household budget. She’s very careful with money, which I think I and my older sister inherited. Whatever I spent for the month, it has to come from somewhere i had budgeted. This is the reason why I have many bank accounts—I treat them like my wallets where I distribute my income, including investments.
I’m teaching my children self-control and they are somewhat successful with it. They hold off spending the money they received from aunts/uncles (they just received advanced birthday money from their paternal aunt and uncle) when they are saving for something bigger, like the rollerblades that Twin I wants. For the little things they want like milktea via Food Panda/Grab or stationery from Shopee, they use their chore money (money they earned for doing chores). At least they know the value of the money they’re spending. When they pick up an item from the grocery store or mall, they equate it to how many hours they will spending on doing chores just buying that thing. That’s time value.
You got to start them young. That’s how my mom taught me while I was growing up.
Gas is very expensive. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
This is a horror story all too real. I feel bad for the jeep, taxi, Grab and all delivery guys out there who are very reliant on gas for their livelihood. The middle class is already hurting too but it’s the little guys who are bleeding right now.
Aside from food costs, some bourgeoisie concerns are hitting me right now. The price of cat little went up by PHP 50 per 10 L so it’s now PHP 300. It’s a 17% increase. Cat food (Special Cat by Monge) rose by I think PHP 10-20 per kg. Earlier I was thinking of going to Cartimar Pet Center in Pasay to get wholesale prices but I decided against it because it is 12 km away from my house. But now that the prices have shot up, I think going to Pasay is going to be worth it in the end.
I think I’m going to be shocked by the prices of veggies on Tuesday when I go to UP to buy our weekly supply.
Yes, I bought a new laser pointer to drive the cats crazy again. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Having pets is expensive and it’s a life-long commitment. You don’t get a dog or a cat just because—and then give it away or resell it because you’re moving away or you grew tired of them. That’s just too cruel. The pets bond with you. These cats look to me as their mommy (a hairless mommy cat) and being abandoned by a second time would truly break their hearts. Last night Kimchi was waiting for us by the window when we arrived from Makati.
Their scratching post that I just repaired tonight. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
It’s like being a parent to real kids. You provide them with a stimulating environment so they can thrive. That’s the reason why I don’t want to get a dog in the city. I want my dogs to roam around freely in my yard and they can run whenever they want. When I still lived in my hometown, it was not a problem since they had like 200 sqm of front and backyard all to themselves. Vets are plenty since the College of Veterinary Medicine is just right there. The dean was my friend’s mom so getting treatment at the vet hospital was not difficult. I had a number of vet friends that I can call for pet medical emergencies.
When I was about to submit my application to UP, my dad urged me to consider taking vetmed since I had a menagerie and he thought it’s where my interests lie. I briefly thought about it but I could not imagine dealing with animals day in and day out vs writing and chasing stories 24/7. I chose the latter. Plus I don’t like organic chemistry and there was no way I can avoid it when I take vetmed. If it’s any consolation, my mom also struggled with organic chemistry in her undergrad years. She took it twice. I aced my general chemistry during my undergrad but anything beyond that did not make sense to me. That’s why I struggled with some parts of limnology when we got to the part of hydrogen sulfide toxicity levels and fish kills because I couldn’t map out properly the chemical reactions especially in aquaculture-heavy bodies of water where the rate of eutrophication is high. I understand the concept but when we go to the nitty-gritty of it…hah! Computing for dissolved oxygen at the bottom of Taal Lake was a nightmare for me in one particular exam where I failed.
Anyway, I digressed.
I’m finding ways now how to reduce the sodium content of my cats’ food so I tried buying chicken necks and boiled them for the cats. The two critters just sniffed at it and trotted off. They like fried fish though. Our Manila reporter’s dog had surgery last week because of kidney stones. Some vet friends said some pet foods have high sodium content so sometimes it helps if we vary the food of our pets.
Ms Butingting strikes again.
I thought the bluetooth hardware of this old gaming laptop was a goner. I searched for solutions on the interwebs and experimented with some software updates…in the process I lost connection for my dual screen monitors…IN THE END IT PAID OFF. I have my Bluetooth connection back. And the monitors back as well. I was afraid I would have to open the laptop and search if there was a physical disconnection somewhere. 😰 Whew! I was able to solve it. No need to rush having a new desktop computer assembled when we have semiconductor supply issues now.
While I was driving to and from Tiendesitas this afternoon and evening, I was thinking that I really don’t have to enroll/take reviews to get a CIIA if I’m not too keen on shifting industries. I would just make myself miserable just because I want to be busy to recover from a heartbreak. I could just enroll in art classes and go back to photography to distract myself. My colleague-friend said she took CFA exams because she figured she can’t be a journalist forever if she wants to stay in Singapore and not go back home to HK (because there’s really nothing to go back home to there now) and it was a good way to be productive to recover from Jaded.
Meanwhile, I could just become a communications consultant while immersing myself again in the academe—if needed—since I know this industry like the back of my hand. I already have some kind of expertise in it now and at this age, I cannot be a half-baked something. Like a Jill-of-all-trades, master of nothing.
My older sister just had a short course with a known local visual artist and there you go—she was able to mount an exhibit in 2018. She didn’t change careers (she’s still an economist with a PhD in a related niche industry) but going into visual arts provided her some kind of extension of her personality. I could just do that.
I could do pottery classes. I liked Ugu Bigyan’s ceramics when I first visited his place in 2000. I think it’s one art form that could reduce me to tears if I try to learn it.
I’ll just dabble in different art forms to keep me busy. I’ll just try to be Rajiv Surendra and try my hand at everything that looks interesting. Then build an art studio/workshop at my backyard when we finally settle into my hometown.
Yeah, I don’t have to take CIIA just because it sounds cool. I didn’t care for titles anyway.
Twin A painting in the background while I build this shoe cabinet. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I’ve always built stuff if I have a manual for it. I didn’t have to rely on any man for manual labor if I can help it. Maybe at the back of my mind I knew I would be living alone in the foreseeable future? I don’t know. I’ve always been self-reliant.
Et voila! Neater shoe storage and better sleeping area for the cats. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
And I built one of the drawers for the girls but I need to return it tomorrow since it had a faulty hole for one of their proprietary screws.
This is Kullen. I am doubting its longevity. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
After I return this tomorrow morning at Ikea, I will just work in some coffee shop in BGC and meet with our Manila reporter since she has a presscon tomorrow at Shangri-la Fort. Face-to-face meetings are coming back, methinks.
Thus ends my working in isolation. I would have to dress up again. Yey. I kinda miss that.
As I was saying, I try building or learning to build by myself because I can’t rely on other people doing things for me. If it’s way over my head, then I will gladly pay for it like plumbing and electrical jobs. But I if I can learn it, I will always try to do it myself.
Like fixing computers. I learned how to set up a home network, from laying cables to setting up modem and routers/repeaters. Later on, I am the one being called back home to set up my mom’s internet connection and fix her laggy laptop (clean it, reinstall the OS, or add RAM, which I did the last time). My sister-in-law (my brother’s wife) calls me Ms. Butingting (tinker) because I was always tinkering with something, even if I end up destroying the one I am tinkering with. That’s how I learned. Now I can add RAM or swap an HDD to an SSD. I learned how to install or reinstall operating systems. So far I haven’t bricked some motherboard because of an attempted BIOS update (because I haven’t; too scared because an internet connection hiccup may ruin it). I learned how to dual boot my computers (Windows/Linux) and worked around UEFI setups. I learned Linux by myself.
Simple home repairs I can deal with. Workarounds and manual labor are ok with me; I don’t have to act like a damsel in distress, unlike some stupid female out there who acts like she’s dying if no guy can help her. I have little patience for women who knew nothing but open their legs and have something between them. Use your brain, girl! When it comes to car repairs, I had to learn how to deal with them. Even when I had a husband, I never relied on him to do my car repairs for me. Besides, he won’t do it for me anyway.
There’s some kind of freedom knowing how to do things on your own. I don’t have to rely on any man to do things for me. I can figure it out on my own. If can’t physically do it, then I hire somebody to do it. No big deal. I can’t be like my mom when my father died; she was so lost when it comes to home repairs and dealing with tradespeople. She was kinda helpless…she always said it was my dad who had to deal with leaky faucets and broken doors.
That’s why when I was on my own, the first thing I bought for my apartment were home improvement tools. Now I’m completing my power tools as I am about to order my jigsaw tool. Circular cutters occupy too much space.
One day I will have a shed in my garden that can be my workshop. Like this girl:
The girls started having friends over again after two years of being by themselves. For dinner we had Korean BBQ because that’s the easiest to serve when you have company.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Hopefully, the kids will finally have face-to-face classes this coming school year. A lot of kids are having a hard time coping. My college-age nephew is one of them.
Because I didn’t take any sleeping aid last night (just to try), I was wide awake until 5 am today 🤦🏻♀️ and I wasn’t able to take a nap so I’m like… Whatever.
Flowers. I’ve always liked them. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
After 4 hours of sleep, I finally gave up and started attending to my container garden at 9 am. It keeps me grounded, it is meditative, and it gives me things to look forward to everyday. While I’m trying to fix my body clock (I can’t bike if I lack sleep or else might get into an accident), domestic and quiet pursuits like gardening would have to suffice.
I fear I’m becoming Emily Dickinson…Becoming more of a recluse as time goes by and whose existence is only proven by correspondences. She has lived the last decades of her life puttering around her home, never married, and shunned social interaction to the point that she spoke to visitors through the door.
Or I’m becoming like Sandra Bullock in the movie The Net. Come to think of it, I am living that movie. My colleagues for the most part have not met me personally or those who have known me have only seen me a few times in a year. I go in and out of our offices in different parts of the world without so much of a whisper. I do everything online, even ordering groceries and my medical consultations. I rarely have cash in my wallet nowadays, everything is paid by credit card or via QR codes/e-wallets.
Friends from 20-plus years ago find it strange that I’m so domesticated that they could no longer associate the hard-drinking, hard-smoking party girl of yore. I drove a truck then and my friends and I would park it somewhere and we would be drinking at the back of the truck. There was a time that I was so hammered that I drove home in first gear and a friend on the passenger seat was guiding me because I was already blacking out. 😂
Oh the folly of youth. You always feel like you’re immortal.
I was in this phase when I met the girls’ dad. The ex-husband didn’t think well of me before. I even wondered why he even bothered. It was really all a mistake, right from the very start. I stuck with the relationship to prove something probably. Pressure from my father probably. Pressure from my mother probably. Some friends from the industry asked why did it feel like as the date of my wedding grew closer, I looked like a bride who is about to face the firing squad?
I no longer bothered analyzing things. It’s done. It’s over. 17 years wasted. As Twin I said, it wasn’t all that bad; you had us. Yes, that’s the best part of that.
So it’s like I’m living a new life. I’m now the hybrid of my sensitive teenage me and the adrenalin-junkie 20s me. Let’s see what’s in store for the hybrid me.
