I got lazy and didn’t go to the vax center for the Covid booster. Because it rained. Hard to get a taxi.
Then my 2-3 pm interview with a Singapore telemed startup got cancelled because the founder had a personal emergency. Another rescheduling issue on my plate.
Spent the rest of the day closing the loop for the contract of my new/old hire and finally it got signed by him and a director from our HK office. I don’t want to deal with London office for a while, if I could.
I didn’t know where my day went because I barely left my seat. It was exhausting. Just as I thought my day already ended, my Outlook’s alarm went off, reminding me I still had an MS Teams call with London people 🙄 I didn’t have time to cook myself a proper meal so I had this:
Noodles with spicy fish cake. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
While I was having my late dinner, Twin I was torturing Kimchi.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Half of my cats’ day is spent sleeping and the other half is spent trying to avoid the girls 😂.
A lot of people are reacting to my profile picture change, which is unnerving. One friend said, hey you got a love life? I said yes, with Park Seo-Joon but he doesn’t know it. 🤣 But kidding aside, this is just me saying I am just one session away from graduating from psychotherapy.
I’m supposed to take my antidepressant until August only. I think I’m on track. And my shrink will let me go after that.
I changed photos today because I’m no longer grieving. My old profile photo was taken right after I had my hair chopped off a few days after the breakup. That photo was an act of defiance but it still reflected my grief.
This new photo is like a graduation photo; I now have a genuine smile. I’m growing my hair back. I will wear it longer. I have more crow’s feet but I’m wearing it as a badge of honor.
I am truly moving on.
Why do we hold on? I learned that we couldn’t move on because we believe what we had before was the best we could ever have. We don’t let go. We become prisoners of what we had, of the past, because we believed that it was best thing and would not be able to have it again.
But once we realize that there’s something better for us after the dust has settled, we easily can let go.
That’s what happened to me. I realized that while I was dancing in my room to my Spotify tunes that I had been constricted for a long time when I was with J. I conformed and molded myself to his liking. To make him happy and accept me. But in doing so I killed a part of me.
And in the end he didn’t even accept the whole of me.
Now that I’m free, in the truest sense, I realized I missed this crazy part of me. I missed the artist in me. I missed singing. I missed the playful me who goes into escapades because I can.
I am now a better version of me, a happier me that he will never see.
That better version of me that somebody else would be able to appreciate one day.
My Oppo earbuds case/charger. I’m into cute cat things now.Photo by CallMeCreation.com.
Here is my small cat.
And here is my big cow. I mean, cat.
Kimchi the cow. Photo by CallMeCreation.comMy ever loyal companion while I work. Sushi. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I love my cats. They make me smile all the time.
Still in bed at 6 am. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I got woken up at 6 am by my cats, who kept meowing outside my bedroom door. They complained that their food bowls were already empty. Then it took me a while to get back to sleep. I woke up at 8:58 am, just two minutes before my MS Teams call where I would have to present the trends in Southeast Asia.
Good thing I was already half-decent at that time.
Lasagna swimming in marinara sauce. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I cooked lasagna for dinner on my slow cooker. I had put too much sauce and cheese. It’s a lovely gooey mess but Twin I loved it.
What if there is somewhere out there who is meant for me? Am I shutting out that person because I am very stubborn and wouldn’t open up to people? Am I right to just hide away and let anger just consume me until I become a witch cooking children deep in the forest?
But how many heartaches must I experience? How many risks do I have to take?
I don’t know why I’m suddenly thinking about this. Maybe because of my conversation with my friend the other night?
But I’m tired.
But then life is not just about finding a partner. Life is a journey and having a partner is not the destination but rather something you may pass through or just a stop. It’s not a goal; it’s just incidental.
I don’t understand myself these days. I may be transitioning or I am just hormonal.
Inside a taxi on the way home. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I left my car at the auto shop. I am car-less for a month and I pray that I won’t have any event in Makati that I need to go to because OMG it’s so hard to book Grab today and all days. 😭
Rainy Sunday. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I feel forlorn. I’m immobile. First time I am car-less in Metro Manila since 2009. I hope I will have it back before July 22. 😭😭😭
Meanwhile, the girls are having dinner with their dad and paternal aunts and uncles tonight. All is supposed to be well but suddenly Twin A sent me this screenshot (from I don’t know whose phone). It’s an FB post of their dad that says “Happy Fathers’ Day, regular customers!”
I don’t care if he has a harem or he takes out prostitutes regularly but he forgets he has children who can see his social media posts and they’re all girls 🤬 No delicadeza at all!
Now I don’t know how I would do damage control but I have to talk to my children about female dignity and we are more than sex objects. This is all upsetting.
You see, they have developed abhorrence towards the male sex because of what their dad did/is doing and what Tito J did/is doing. They no longer call J as Tito J but they call him by a codename or sometimes he goes nameless when they happen to remember him/or an incident with him in it. That’s how they hate him now. It doesn’t help that they saw and keep seeing J’s gf online who they think is a slut or not different from the women in the above screenshot. They adored him before. They looked up to him. Twin I was even copying his habits like tea drinking and she came to like vegetables. Now she dropped the tea drinking after she discovered about his gf. I could only feel pity towards my girl whose only male role model became eroded.
And now they’re seeing their dad’s perversion.
They told me once when they slept in their dad’s house that they used his laptop and saw a lot of “photos of women” (oh dear lord, I hope is not porn) in the hard drive or somewhere in his computer.
This is what I’m afraid of. Without a proper male role model, they may have a distorted view of the opposite sex and may get into wrong/troubled relationships in the future. I grew up seeing my mother’s co-dependence so that’s what I learned from her, hence, I inherited the same behavioral defect, which my first shrink told me.
I am afraid that my girls would only see their value if they’re all “sexed up” because that’s how the men in their lives see women: as sex objects. If the women that the the girls’ father figures keep always show their boobs, are preoccupied with their looks, and are scantily clad in public, they would think that is the beauty standard. Since I don’t do those, they would think that must be the reason why I always get cheated on. Even though they know it’s not, at the back of their minds it could be one of those things. Right now, both of them feel they’re ugly and have very low self-esteem. Despite my best efforts to lift up their self-esteem and their morale, if they don’t have a male authoritative figure who can say that they’re beautiful and smart, they would forever have these chips on their shoulders. How do I know? Because I grew up like that. I always thought myself ugly and unworthy of anything because my father is a narcissistic idiot.
Now I’m treading treacherous waters. How do I navigate this difficult narrative? My closest male friend is gay. They’re all gay! So who to talk to about this? I need to ask my brother to help correct this distortion.
They’re adolescents now. How do I talk to them about healthy self-image when I struggle with it myself?😥
Dreaming of Diving. Mess and photo by CallMeCreation.com
I was painting purple petunias when I messed up—I spilled water. Lots of it. Then made the most of it and turned this into a dream sequence, with me dreaming about diving. I propped this against my computer monitor to remind me that I can still rescue something that completely went wrong and try to work with it and be flexible. This ain’t pretty but it’s a reminder. Then I will replace this with another mistake, then another. Until I get better with my mistakes.
I made a lot of mistakes in my life and I simply had to work with what I’ve got. I’m no stranger to grinning and bearing it until I see a breakthrough.
I used to think that when things go wrong, they’re punishment for my sins, for the things I did wrong. Blame my very Catholic upbringing for this way of thinking. Now I should know better. Things happen because I’m just human; I am bound to make mistakes. It’s not punishment but rather just a consequence of my very human judgment. Now the test of character comes after how I will pick up myself from this mistake. Will I let it sink me or I will swim? Blame the universe for being cruel? Blame other people for this mess up? <<<< Well this is what narcissists do when things don’t go their way. They blame others but themselves.
Today is a bit slow since China, Taiwan, and HK are on public holiday and Southeast Asia is not that in a mood to chase stories today either. I was able to cook baby back ribs in the slow cooker for more than 6 hours. It was so tender that you can shred the meat with just your fork. You can make a Philly cheesesteak with it only that it’s pork, not beef.
This day was a more relaxed one compared to yesterday when I was still working until 10 pm. I was able to cull dead leaves from my plants. So far so good; the ones I recently bought are still alive.
Photos by CallMeCreation.com
I think I have more room for flowers since the deadly heat of midday is no more. I just have to continue with companion planting so the plants wouldn’t suffer root rot due to soggy soil.
After that pep talk from that sketchbook guy on Youtube, I finally decided to finish this thing that has been festering in my pile of to-do.
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
I decided not to line the baby blue eyes with dark liner and left the pencil outline and then I painted the filament silver.
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Then I decided not to draw individual leaves and use the urban sketching technique of doing color washes (three types of greens) and do a collective outline of leaves and some individual leaves since the baby blue eyes in Hitachi were actually in a bed of grass.
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Et voila! I now have a version of my favorite flowers on my wall. My favorite flowers in one of my favorite places on earth.
I think I will make another version of this baby blue eyes for my cousin.
“Mommy,” Twin A said, “KKR si promoting liquid botox.”
“Huh? Who?” I asked, bewildered.
“You know, KKR, that girl. She is promoting liquid botox on Facebook.”
“Ahh, Tito J’s gf,” I said.
“Yes. Twin I and I were watching her videos on Facebook. She’s always doing all these beauty videos and she keeps showing off her boobs in revealing clothes. She still looks like a transvestite though,” Twin A said.
“Ah I don’t care. Let her be. As long as I don’t need that botox I’m fine,” I said.
I really don’t need it and will never need it. In the first place, botox is injected and not applied topically, as my girls said this woman is demonstrating on her video—whatever. Besides, I’m already beautiful as is and I don’t need to inject myself with botulinum toxin. Hello! Anybody with a half-brain knows it is a neurotoxin that can cause your face to be frozen and be without facial expression 🙄 Exhibit A: Nicole Kidman. Exhibit B: Renee Zellweger.
My self-worth need NOT be measured by how many wrinkles I have, by being a daughter of a restaurant owner (a very poor way to be identified, by the way), or by any other external identifier. As my gay friend K said, do not measure yourself against these people—it’s not you who is the problem, remember that.
Yes, K, I am believing you now. I measure myself against how I was a year ago, how I was five years ago. I am older but much wiser now (I hope). I have only myself to compare with.
Someday, someone will appreciate my 42-year-old clear skin that doesn’t need botox, for my intellect, my talents, my generosity, my capacity to love, sense of adventure, my wide range of interests, my resilience, my practicality, my strength—the overall me. I will be appreciated by someone who will not take me for granted and not use me for his selfish gains.
Someday. Not today.
I’ve got some more healing to do.
In the meantime, my cats sleep with me on the bed and provide me with love and comfort. We woke up like this today ❤️. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Today’s news isn’t reassuring and on top of that I was busy dealing with errant reporters again. So Twin I asked, “Mommy, do you want hot choco?” “Ok,” I said.
Ahh! Hot choco with whipped cream and marshmallows. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
This made me feel a lot better. My daughter made me a calorie-laden drink to ease the tension on my forehead and back. ❤️
Twin A asked me yesterday, “Mommy, did you regret having children?”
I said, “No. I will always choose you over everything else.”
And this question and answer between me and my daughter echoed in my head while I was reading this article and the FB comments on the WSJ post.
To Get Into the Ivy League, ‘Extraordinary’ Isn’t Always Enough These Days. The Wall Street Journal.
While I was not really aiming to get into an Ivy League school for my master’s degree, the opportunities presented to me before I got married and before I got pregnant with the girls were there. I was encouraged by one of my teachers at UP Masscom to apply for a scholarship at the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism where she is an alumna. I was preparing to apply when my father died. Then it all went downhill from there. My priorities have shifted; I got married, just as what my father had wanted. Then other opportunities came along (although not Ivy): scholarship at NYU and Germany but I couldn’t push through because then-husband didn’t want to come and I got pregnant, respectively.
I’m still thinking, would it have been better/made a big impact in my life if any of my plans to study abroad pushed through? For sure I wouldn’t have my girls if I did. Maybe I would have been somewhere else, living in Germany or making a bigger mess of myself in NY—but life would be lonelier without my girls.
I am meant to be their mother because I always knew—at the back of my mind at sixteen years old—I knew I will have daughters.
But I knew also that I am not meant to be with someone. I am meant to meet all these people, not because we were meant to last, but to teach me hard lessons in life.
Would I be earning a lot more if I had a degree from Columbia or NYU? I don’t know. Will I be more fulfilled if I obtained my MA and PhD there? I don’t know either. Probably I will just end up in the academe. It’s not like I will be pursuing a Master in Finance or MBA or law and end up as a hedge fund manager or work for Big Law.
All I know is I am glad I have my girls with me. They give me direction, strength, and reason for being. I believe that we always end up where we are meant to be. Where we need to be. The universe conspires and throws all these obstacles so I would not go in another direction. Kinda like that one blog entry I wrote about James Hetfield and Slash ending up where they were supposed to be and not turn into a football player or a mediocre bass player. Metallica and Guns N’ Roses may not have happened.
So for those kids who had been complaining about not getting into Yale and Harvard (in the WSJ article), they may not need to be there in the first place to be happier and successful later in life.
Life is short. I have a high school classmate, a gynecologist who has gone through chemotherapy because she is battling breast cancer. She just had a mastectomy last week. I know she would give anything to be healthy and spend more time with her son.
No amount of Columbia U PhD can compare to moments with my kids and their laughter when we swim in the sea, when we bike, when we hug on my bed.
As I said, I am where I am supposed to be. I am healing with my children beside me.
I can think of all the times You told me not to touch the light I never thought that you would be the one I couldn’t really justify How you even thought it could be right Cause everything we cherished is gone And in the end, can you tell me if It was worth the try, so I can decide
Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees And all will be alright in time From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas And all will be alright in time Oh you never really love someone until you learn to forgive
Try as hard as I might To flee the shadows of the night It haunts me and it makes me feel blue But how can I try to hide When every breath and every hour I still end up thinking of you? And in the end, everything we have makes it worth the fight So I will hold on for as long
As leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees And all will be alright in time From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas And all will be alright in time Oh you never really love someone until you learn to forgive
I never thought that I would see the day That I’d decide if I should leave or stay But in the end what makes it worth the fights That no matter what happens we try to make it right
Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees And all will be alright in time From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas And all will be alright in time Wounds of the past will eventually heal And all will be alright in time ‘Cause all of this comes with a love that is real I said all will be alright in time I said all will be alright in time I said all will be alright in time All will be alright in time Oh, you never really love someone until You learn to forgive You learn to forgive Learn to forgive
Herbed chicken for dinner. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I was basically useless the whole morning since I was asleep most of the time. I’m sleepy still.
I fixed my container garden again after it was ravaged by the heat that battered us pre-election and election week. I pulled out the casualties and re-potted the new ones that I bought yesterday. Gardening is really therapeutic because you spend hours doing something with a blank brain. I’m still not satisfied with it so next week I’ll be adding more plants 😄
I got frustrated with the rain today that I decided to book 3 days, 2 nights in Pico de Loro. Rain or no rain, we will return to the sea. At least the rains would not be that disastrous at the beach compared to if we went camping.
I hiked this area (used to be called Hacienda Looc) in 1996 and it used to be surrounded by mangroves. It was a very beautiful and secluded paradise but at that time it was a scary moment because one wrong turn I faced an armed soldier…It’s ironic that I would be coming back to this area after 25 years as a guest of the land grabbers. 🥴 I’ll see if I can live with myself being here as part of the bourgeoisie set that fueled the land grabbing.
Anyway, I think I need to take a vacation leave during the week we would be here. After my trip to Singapore (if that would even push through), I think I deserve a break.
I saw in our group chat the photos of the other journos who went to have an after-party following our drinking session. The photos showed they haven’t broken up the party even if the sun was already high and bright and they were all sipping coffee. I was asked to join them before I went home at 11 pm but turned down the invite and said this tita is already dead and needs a bed. I could never do that kind of night out at this age. When I was younger, I was like that every week as I had all the energy and will. We even bar-hopped until the wee hours. I guess age really catches up with me and my priority right now is being comfortable. What I promised a friend who also attended the event last night was a lunch date because there are so many things we needed to catch up on.
Hahaha! Now I get why there are those who “do lunches”: It’s because they could no longer do the cocktail hours.
I hate to say it but lunches and coffee dates are more preferable these days. 😂
S. Korea is starting to open up to tourists and I guess I can go to our Seoul office later this year. Japan has yet to follow, which is kinda frustrating because my multiple-year visa is already expiring in April next year.
Let me see first how my travel itinerary for the year shapes up. Getting OKs from London is really frustrating. Which reminds me, I have to battle it out tomorrow with bosses regarding my travels and coverage. 🤪
In the meantime, I’m staring at this Sombrero island painting. Waiting for inspiration again…
