Tag Archives: adulting

We are governed by idiots

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I don’t know how many times I have to say this in a span of 6 months. 🙄

First of all, this undersecretary should know that it is the job of DA to help subsistence farmers find markets and transport these to those with low supply. The prices of our vegetables here in the lowlands, especially in Metro Manila, are very high that only the middle class no can afford to eat vegetables three meals a day.

God, are we that evil to be punished by having idiots in government?

I think I lost a lot of brain cells today by engaging a supporter of Manny Pinol on Twitter. No more. I should lay off news for a while. Which is ironic since I produce day in and day out.

Oh wait, I can’t quit news. I need to read about the markets every morning. Every fucking day.

Equally stressful is swapping materials for my home construction, deciding which I can dial down and which I should reinforce, like additional beams and posts. I asked the contractor to reduce the tiles on the walls of the bathroom because I want to hang art in the bathroom. Because why not?

Photo from Apartmentherapy.com
Photo from Apartmentherapy.com
Photo from Apartmentherapy.com

I asked him to make me a niche like this because I’m tired of dealing with shower caddies. This one is easier to clean.

My contractor will fabricate me this kind of stairs.

He said he can make the mid-landing wider so I can have sort of a deck. I’ll think about it first. My concern is, can a small dog manage this? And when I’m already a senior citizen, can I still manage this?

I have to keep costs down because as construction progresses, there would be hidden costs that would surprise me. And it’s quite stressful. I don’t want to skimp on quality but I don’t want to be extravagant on things that can be simplified without sacrificing structural integrity.

He will start laying down the materials in my mom’s garage by next week. Preliminary work like clearing the construction area and removing the balustrades in the existing structure etc.

It’s finally happening. OMG.

I am doing something very adult now. Building my home. I never thought I could but I’m finally doing it now. By myself. Alone. It’s so empowering.

So maybe a condo in Makati or BGC and a beach house in Anilao could be possible. My tiny house was just a dream a year ago…it’s finally coming true.

This is a big FUCK YOU to all the men who hurt me and treated me like dirt. Damn you, I am capable of so much, much more. I am more than a human appliance. I can make things happen. I can make my dreams come true. Even if it’s just small, this is mine. I am having this built by myself.

I want to cry.

A hug for myself.

I’m proud of myself.

Cronyism

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Ah, Megawide has de-risked itself because it plays fair; because of that it is now being eased out of the dirty, regulated infrastructure business of the Philippines. And the best entity to sell to is a Marcos crony—Aboitiz. Group CEO Sabin Aboitiz is super chummy with Marcos Jr so I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes out as the “next Dennis Uy”, the favorite businessman of a sitting president. During Duterte’s reign, Uy was like Pacman, gobbling everything in is his path. Government contracts were his for the taking. Now he is being chased by creditors and is set to sell most of his assets because NONE of the promised support from China pushed through. His telco, DITO Telecommunity, is looking for a buyer for Uy’s stake. The problem is, no one wants to sleep with China Telecom, Uy’s JV partner.

I can’t write such things as straightforward as this but I try my best to inject some of these insights in my stories—but I know I’m pushing the envelope. I take that risk because the investing community should be aware of the political dynamics we have here. That’s a service that cannot be quantified by our CRM but is valuable to our readers, as I was told by some of them.

It has been raining nonstop even in the absence of a typhoon. I feel I’m ballooning again so I need to walk tomorrow or something. I need to be back in shape for a marathon networking in Singapore in November. The big bosses will be flying down from London. And oh, I must bring an evening dress (*OMG I need one that fits me) because there would be an awards night for ***.

Speaking of work, my most senior but least productive reporter told me he would like to step back and have a different arrangement, like a per-article basis freelancer status because he acknowledged that he could not meet his quota.

Now this poses a big problem for me because since top management is NOT prioritizing hiring of new reporters or editors (only a senior North America editor), losing one headcount means it would not replaced. I lose it, then I lose it. As it is, competition in the region is heating up. Other news organizations are finally catching on and realized my niche is lucrative so they’re building up their own team dedicated for this niche.

I cannot lose more people.

I was having back-to-back calls today with my seniors to solve this conundrum. I also need to arrange to have my team fly to Singapore in the first week of December for a year-end training that I would be conducting. 🥴

Because I was preoccupied with admin concerns, I wasn’t able to write again my stories that have been pushed back a couple of weeks and months now. I also need to see a doctor for my left knee that has been hurting now. I don’t know if this is an old football injury that I aggravated during my walks in my hometown the a few weeks ago. I also need to bring Twin I to a pediatrician for her nosebleeds. They’re getting worse now.

How to shoehorn these doctor visits in between all these work pressures? I need to attend a conference tomorrow or on Thursday and I have a lunch meeting with some bankers and another set of bankers in the evening on Friday.

Oh geez and I need to book that resort in Batangas for that beach holiday at the end of the month.

Wait, I still need to follow up my travel arrangements and visa application for Korea.

I need to breathe.

What have I been doing? I don’t know, I haven’t been keeping track. I’m having a hard time finding mental space for all the important things to do. I only have two hands and finite amount of brain cells to balance being a manager for Southeast Asia (which is a lot of work), being a specialized journalist, a mother, and a future homeowner who needs to build her home, and at the same time I must take care of myself if I want to live beyond the age of 42.

I think I’m getting overwhelmed.

I want to scream.

man near carton boxes with many different words about stress
Photo by SHVETS production on Pexels.com

BREATHE. Stop and smell the roses.

Maybe I should cancel that Korea trip. Maybe I just take a week off in October and just go to Palawan to go island-hoping and dive for a week and burn to a crisp.

Yes, I think I should do that.

I don’t think that Korea trip with my friends is that compelling anyway. They’re planning to go to Busan when I haven’t even explored Seoul. 😶 Maybe I’ll just do that next year when it’s less hectic.

Oh.

I would be moving houses next year. In May.

Let me see…

Damn it. Breathe.

I QUIT

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I will quit caring about this job. I think I’m burning out.

Today was a shitty day. I don’t have the strength to write about it. It’s just…😡

I’ll just tune out after six. That’s it. I’ve been pushing myself too far and hard the past few months. I shouldn’t. Even if I’m out there to prove something, what will it bring me? Nothing. I don’t get gold coins for being extra.

So that’s it. I log on in the morning, do my job, then log off at 6 pm.

Screen cap from Nikkei Asia, article written by a friend.

This is laughable. It has become a “blockbuster hit” because Imee Marcos bought all the tickets and gave them away to schools and government agencies.

Damn.

“It’s clear that they were trying to evoke sympathy, that we were supposed to feel sorry for them,” said Miguel Reyes, a University of the Philippines researcher who has studied the Marcos regime and the family…

…The film’s release comes just a month before the country marks the 50th anniversary of the declaration of Marcos’ martial law next month, which will likely put the old regime’s brutal legacy in focus.

All the more we need to educate the public about the crimes the Marcoses committed and brought the country down on its knees.

My children are better than most of the adults in this country. They had been researching on their own about the Manila Film Center tragedy, Archimedes Trajano, and Boyet and Primitivo Mijares. They did it without prodding from me. They did it on their own volition; they were curious why I am so against the Marcoses. They were watching video clips. These are just some of the thousands of stories that are out there to tell the truth about this family.

This crappy movie was just bizarre.

To continue with today’s theme—shit—here we have a story about sewerage woes in UK beaches.

This is the reason I never went back to Boracay. My last trip there was in 2009 and that trip wasn’t enjoyable because of this above ⬆. People who go there to see and be seen don’t realize they are swimming in their own crap. My mom (who is an expert on this) said the mere presence of algal bloom on the shores of Boracay every summer is indicative of the high nutrient content (i.e. sewerage). This is the same reason she never went back.

For an underwater enthusiast like me, there are much better alternatives to Boracay. However, people flock there to see and be seen. To party. To have sex (in the case of my gay friend K). To be able to say, yeah, we are in Boracay, like it was a badge of honor.

No thank you. I don’t want to swim in sewerage water.

I was tempted by my friend B to stay with her last summer because of the kite surfing part. But naahhhh. I was better off diving in Anilao.

To cap off this day, here’s some reality check:

And all I can say is when you’re 40, you no longer give a crap and you dig an underground lair for yourself and be content like a mole.

Lovely.

24 days without a car

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DO NOT SETTLE.

This is the message I got today from all the people I got to talk to this week.

Do not settle for a half-assed written story. The story I just edited, I admit, I let through because the reporter would not have any output for the week. But then the content editor put a stop to it, because it was half-baked. Full of fiduciary statements with no substance.

I should stop being nice.

Do not settle for less than a full commitment to a job that was assigned a long time ago. I have given my team enough lead time; they should fulfill their end of the bargain. I push for more benefits and their promotion, then they should step up as well.

Do not settle for fleeting attention. If you want a relationship with me, I want your full attention. I don’t come second or third.

Do not make excuses for people. I will not settle for someone who spews inconsistencies and lies. Do not settle for people with questionable character.

Stop being nice. I deserve more than what I was receiving in the past.

Daughter: Dumb guys go for dumb girls and smart guys go for dumb girls. What do smart girls get?

Dad: Cats, mostly

Ah, truer words were never spoken. Because we’re no longer settling, we get cats. Happiness are derived from cats, not relationships.

Meanwhile, I would have to push back my trip to S.Korea from September (two weeks) to October-Nov (one week) as this is the only break my bestfriend and another good friend would have in the middle of the first semester school year 2022-2023. They have already booked their tickets while I haven’t because of my crazy schedule. I’m not sure if this is a good time for me since I need to go back to Singapore by mid-November and as head of the region for my publication, I cannot NOT be there… Ideally this S.Korea trip should be in September but…oh well. It’s more fun to be with my girlfriends if I cannot read street signs. My best friend and I had died of laughter for 8 days when we were in Japan in 2009 so I would really want to take this trip with her.

I don’t know what crazy stunts I would be doing this time but for sure I will not, I repeat, I will not eat a live octopus.

18th day without a car

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“Mommy, why are you counting the days without a car?” Twin I asked me when she saw me drafting a blog entry the other day.

“It’s like counting days without alcohol, darling. I’m so addicted to having a car at my disposal that I already forgot how to use public transport,” I said.

So it has been 18 days since I went outside my 4-km radius. It’s like a self-imposed quarantine or something.

Meanwhile, I had been struggling with sleep again for a couple of weeks now. My hours are upside down again and this time I’m keeping London hours. I don’t know how long I will be like this but this should be fixed once I get out of my house again. Maybe when I’m in Singapore my hours will be saner.

Speaking of which, I learned that none in my cluster in our company has been coming to our office regularly so I guess I really don’t have to drop by our office and I should just go straight to our conferences. I’ll just work in my hotel if I need to. Even my deputy hasn’t been reporting to our office because there’s no strict back-to-office order for us journos. That’s some kind of relief for me since I don’t want to be hopping from one train station to another just to show my face to people I don’t really need to work with. Those who regularly report to office belong to a different cluster. Well I could try to be friendly but my schedule is just packed and I don’t even have room for that.

One of the realizations I have in my healing process is this:

I now know that I am more than enough.

I am a treasure to somebody else and I no longer want to recall that feeling I had for more than 1.5 years that I am trash, hence, I was treated like trash.

I will never allow myself to be in that position again. It destroys you.

Now that I’m ok, I am able to parse things more clearly. I am thanking God everyday that I chose this route and resisted friends’ suggestions to put myself in the market to heal. That’s not healing; it’s escaping. The problem will still persist and you’re just applying bandage upon bandage on a wound that is undergoing gangrene necrosis. In the end it will kill you. You’ll just realize that you’re already emotionally dead at age 50 and you’ve never had anything meaningful all those years.

And you wonder where has the time gone.

I have now learned to love myself and realized my real value so I don’t need another person’s validation for that. I am beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring, and dignified and I truly believe that, not just lip service to myself. Now that I’ve reached that stage, I think I would have a healthier relationship with the next person since I am not looking to become a whole person through my partner. I am already whole, with or without that partner. I don’t have to bend over and backwards just to accommodate that person and make him love me.

Just be.

And these are lessons I have already imparted to my girls this early.

16th day without a car

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My officemate sleeping on the job. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

So today my foul mood is gone and the other effects of the booster shot. Was busy fulfilling my duty as an underpaid manager; so with that thought, I took a break and slept for 3 hours this afternoon before trying to draft another story. An underpaid manager is entitled to all the breaks she deserved, right?

Had a good session with my shrink earlier this evening. She could see that I’m in a better place now and told her my realizations. “I don’t know if this is the antidepressant talking but I’m good,” I told her.

Just like any good doctor would do, she is dialing down my dosage to half tablet every night for a month, then half a tablet every other night for another month before my consultation with her in September. She said she just couldn’t pull it out altogether; we need to have my body/brain adjust to the changes before we pull out the antidepressant completely.

But still no coffee. 😑

Healing on my own, without going into a rebound relationship, is sweet. It was hard but it was for the best and I’m reaping the benefits. I congratulate myself for being brave and strong. It was a slow and arduous process but I made it. I never thought I could but here I am. ❤️

I asked Twin I how she would feel if I started seeing other people. She said she’s ok as long as he likes them. I said that is the top criteria for me, that he should love them as he loves me. It’s a tall order but there is zero compromise there. My daughter hugged me and said, thank you, Mommy.

I felt guilty. They had faced so much rejection from the men in my life that I feel like I didn’t prioritize them and I’m just too wrapped up with myself and my personal happiness that I neglected their welfare.

Not this time.

You don’t like them? Then I don’t like you. Go away. You don’t deserve to have a life with me.

They’re my life.

I will start applying for SKorea visa right after my Singapore trip. I would be there for at least two weeks before things get really cold there. I’m meeting a PE executive in their office as they are gearing up for a SPAC listing in the US for one of its portfolio companies. I would be meeting some lawyers as well as there are lot of things going on there with Vietnam and the rest of Southeast Asia. Maybe I can work for a week or less and then take off a week to go around. There’s always Google translate. 😂 I’m also meeting up with a friend there who would help me navigate. Besides, half of the fun of traveling is getting lost. 🤣

My Singapore trip, on the other hand, is packed and I don’t think I would be able to meet all the people I need to talk to. Even my dinner with my lifelong friend who works as BD in a law firm there would have to be carefully planned. 😶 I wonder if I would still have the energy to go around to see people outside work. I hope the company just wouldn’t instantly pull me to host one of the panel discussions there just like what they did to me in one of our conferences a few years ago. That was nerve-wracking.

I could stay longer but I’m not that enticed to do that. I don’t know why but staying there for more than 8 days would make me go nuts. It’s just too confining for me. That’s one of the reasons why I was also not that hot about transferring there, aside from the regular 30% jump in rental rates because of the increasing transplants from Hong Kong. My colleague-friend told me she has to move from her studio again because of the skyrocketing rent. That’s just bad; she would have to room again with others in an HDB. So on a net basis, I’m doing better here compared if we lived there and I get to own my home. Rent there would just gnaw into my subconsciousness. Regular trips to Singapore would just suffice. Living in the Philippines is like living with somebody with a bipolar disorder but you just have to get used to it. It’s home.

But Scotland sounds nice and my friend is near to convincing me of that. 😂