My cats went nuts and got so stressed when my sis in law and my nephew arrived at the apartment with me. They ran to my room and hid under my bed. I had been coaxing them to come out from hiding for hours.

And it’s 3:38 in the morning and they’re still there. And I’m still effing alive.

How are they going to deal with the move next month if they’re so scared like this when there are going to be other people (movers) around?

Finally was able to make the cats go. After my SIL and nephew quieted down, I saw that they were moving towards the edge of the bed. I knew then that they were already plotting their escape. I left the door slightly ajar and when Sushi felt that my guests were asleep, she sped away towards freedom. Kimchi, on the other hand, took her time and went sniffing around my guests’ bags, sniffed around the bed, peeked at the sleeping people on my bed, then felt her way out quietly.

That was 4 am.

I’m so groggy now, trying to finish an edit.

This is my current speed in Quezon City

This was my speed yesterday at my house.

Now you see why I keep pushing Converge to fix it? Because I know that upload speeds can go beyond 300Mbps. Something is really wrong with their settings in my new location. 🙄

See? The upload speed is even faster than my DL speed 😑

I cannot have slow upload when I conduct a lot of Zoom interviews and I have a several regular weekly calls.

I will be very busy in the next few days leading to my departure for Singapore since I would be moderating two panel discussions during our conference/s. Meeting with the panelists, outlining the flow of the panel discussions…I need to keep my notes on hand.

I have no room to buy new clothes for this event since I’m on a super tipid mode now as I just issued a check for my waterworks and did bank transfers/cash payment for my laundry area construction.

Anyway, I need to brush up on some topics and read so many materials so I would not look stupid and uninformed, especially on the political and regulatory front in Southeast Asia.

I had been moderating conferences in the past so I’m picking up again that duty.

Doing this is not easy since you have to have more than superficial knowledge about the topic to be able to ask intelligent questions and draw out valuable insights. Otherwise, people would have just wasted their time listening to the discussion.

I have my hands full next week.

Prior to 2010, I didn’t know if I wanted kids. I wanted a carefree life, I wanted to travel that’s why I applied for scholarships abroad. I wanted to spend on myself. I told my mom I’m scared of being a mom. I was not prepared.

No one is ever prepared, she said.

So for 12 years, I was groping my way into parenthood. Up to this moment, I’m still unsure if I’m doing fine as a parent, especially a solo one.

Until I became a mother on this day 12 years ago, I didn’t know that adults are just winging it. That the truth was, everybody was just winging it and pretended to know what she/he is doing. I always thought when I was a kid, my parents knew what they were doing that’s why they were the authority on everything.

They were just faking it, my mom admitted to me one time. She was just feeling her way.

I just get some kind of validation that I’m doing fine as a mom when my kids show empathy towards everybody, are polite and respectful to everybody, know what is right and wrong, and know how to spend wisely. They do not want much and are happy with what I give them and with what they have. They never asked for iPhones or ostentatious things. If they want something, they save for it, like roller skates or an acoustic guitar.

I told them we should eat something special at Grand Hyatt today. They told me, no mommy, we just do it on your birthday. We just cook at home.

And they were happy with grilled steak. They were just happy sharing a meal with me everyday, especially today.

They are the reason why I had to pull myself out of the rut I was in in the last two and half years. And they will always be the reason why I am doing the best I can. I’m doing this move for them, to give them the best safe and loving environment for them. For them to have fun without having to suffer the headaches of living in the city.

If not for them, I wouldn’t believe in the concept of love again. A mother’s love is endless.

I had dinner with friends at Podium earlier tonight as the host of the evening came back home from New York for a vacation. P works for a competing news agency but is doing more data journalism/analytics.

Conversation was light and fun until it came to the point that P told me that last week he saw M–the girl that my ex J was playing around with back in 2021. He told me she told him about me and J and her.

Like WTF!

So she can’t keep her mouth shut while I kept my peace, can she? L and I just looked at each other from across the table when P was talking about what this girl, M, has been tittle tattling about.

P has been away from the country for quite some time and he is not the kind of friend I would tell this kind of thing. But here we are, Ms. Little Tattle Tale…🤷🏻‍♀️ Like is she even proud of that?!

When I was driving L back to her house in QC, I said that this dinner should have had a trigger warning. “Should I tell P that, oh yeah, M is the 1/2 reason I got so drunk in August 2021 and the next day I phoned a psychiatrist because I have gone nuts?” I asked L.

Good thing that I no longer go ballistic when I get triggered. I’m stable, thanks for that year-long psychiatric therapy. It works wonders, I tell you.

I’m just trying to shake off the nasty feeling inside me. I may have to continue painting tomorrow to make me feel good. Art therapy also saved me last year as it helped me channel all the negative energy into something prettier or more productive.

Why is it that even after almost 2.5 years, I still get haunted by this? By him? Ah yes, as my shrink said, this is trauma response. Like a soldier with PTSD who gets triggered by a sound of a gunshot. Even after years of not being in combat or being in a war zone. Trauma response is a way to cope with traumatic experiences.

I wish I have no more fucks to give. And just flat out be numb.

I did nothing today but listen to the Easter service this morning online, do watercolors, and sleep. A perfect day for introverts like me.

But I didn’t do anything complicated today. I wasn’t up to it yet.

I just kept things loose because I didn’t have patience to do pencil sketches of complicated flowers. Maybe later tonight?

Yeah, later. I need to cook hotpot for early dinner. I’m lazy. You just chuck everything in and there you have it—dinner!

I made an initial drawing of this last year on my sketchbook. I remade it tonight because I want to see if I have improved. I have better watercolors and brushes now.

But still, it’s hard to get the colors and blending right 😑. I need more practice. But when to find the time and right amount of headspace for this? I realized that I can make something decent if my mind is fully rested. But then, how can I explain the more decent drawings I had when I was trying to use art as therapy last year? 🤔