Prior to 2010, I didn’t know if I wanted kids. I wanted a carefree life, I wanted to travel that’s why I applied for scholarships abroad. I wanted to spend on myself. I told my mom I’m scared of being a mom. I was not prepared.

No one is ever prepared, she said.

So for 12 years, I was groping my way into parenthood. Up to this moment, I’m still unsure if I’m doing fine as a parent, especially a solo one.

Until I became a mother on this day 12 years ago, I didn’t know that adults are just winging it. That the truth was, everybody was just winging it and pretended to know what she/he is doing. I always thought when I was a kid, my parents knew what they were doing that’s why they were the authority on everything.

They were just faking it, my mom admitted to me one time. She was just feeling her way.

I just get some kind of validation that I’m doing fine as a mom when my kids show empathy towards everybody, are polite and respectful to everybody, know what is right and wrong, and know how to spend wisely. They do not want much and are happy with what I give them and with what they have. They never asked for iPhones or ostentatious things. If they want something, they save for it, like roller skates or an acoustic guitar.

I told them we should eat something special at Grand Hyatt today. They told me, no mommy, we just do it on your birthday. We just cook at home.

And they were happy with grilled steak. They were just happy sharing a meal with me everyday, especially today.

They are the reason why I had to pull myself out of the rut I was in in the last two and half years. And they will always be the reason why I am doing the best I can. I’m doing this move for them, to give them the best safe and loving environment for them. For them to have fun without having to suffer the headaches of living in the city.

If not for them, I wouldn’t believe in the concept of love again. A mother’s love is endless.