Taken for granted

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Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I now know the reason relationship J happened. The raison d’etre.

It is teaching me now to walk away from a person who is just taking you for granted. The relationship gave me the red flags to watch out for. It is teaching me that just because that person happened to be by your side physically, it doesn’t mean he loves you and you deserve to be treated like that. It doesn’t mean things will improve even if you push more to win his love. You can never win the love of a person who is just taking you for granted. Do not be with somebody who didn’t think you are precious because he will not take care of you and not think that you are worth his time and effort.

When you’re giving much more energy than you’re receiving, walk away.

Do not accept chump change of affection.

You are a good, respectable, and intelligent person. You have so much love to give. You deserve love and respect. Nothing less.

It’s better to be alone than be with somebody who doesn’t love and appreciate you. Or else you will be one mess of a person popping antidepressants, thinking that things are fine because he is gaslighting you.

He fell in love with you. But falling in love with you is much different from loving you. The latter requires more work and it is the acceptance of the person you are today, rather than the person he initially thought you were when he fell in love with you.

It’s ok to be alone. It’s better to be alone.

It’s almost a year of quarantine

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The storm drain where we rescued my cats. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It will soon be the first anniversary of COVID-19 quarantine. I don’t know how long I can take it anymore. One year. We’re now experiencing a second wave, with daily new cases reaching 3000 3,500. But this stupid government still doesn’t have a clear vaccination on program. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway, this also meant that my cats will be almost 1 year old. We found them late April or early May at the back of Institute of Chemistry. I visited today on my bike that storm drain where we found them trapped. It was so overgrown with weeds and other debris.

My cats are so lucky we found them before they died of hunger and dehydration in this storm drain. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I went around the Science Complex before proceeding to the vegetable shop for our weekly supplies. My bike now sports a new detachable handlebar bag from Decathlon so that my green leafy veggies will not get crushed in the other bag tied to my pannier. I’m so happy with it. I no longer have to carry a backpack (which is annoying when I bike).

I love my bike. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This coming Holy Week I will be bringing the girls and our bikes to my hometown. Let’s see if I can reach other towns in Laguna with just my pedaling power. Maybe I’ll ride with some high school classmates. It’ll be a whole new adventure going around Laguna on a bike.

Achievement unlocked

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Academic oval, UP Diliman. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My girls and I rode our bikes to UP campus yesterday (we had to walk with our bikes along some roads that had a lot of cars passing through though) and cycled around the campus. So yey, I don’t have to bring the car and fold and unfold bikes when we go to the university campus.

Riding from the apartment to UP and around no longer exhausts me–that’s a major concern. So maybe I need to do cross-training to supplement my exercise with walking two laps around the academic oval…

I need to exhaust myself to be able to sleep. Either I need to be spent or super busy so my brain no longer has the energy or capacity to think about him or the past and my heart needs to be the same as well so it wouldn’t spend its waking hours angry.

These are the longest three months of my life.

Thank you for keeping me busy

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My cats trying to share the beer with me while I attend one press conference. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My world has turned upside down. I used to look forward to the weekends because I can get off work. These days I dread the weekend because it leaves my brain idle…and against my own volition I just find myself walking down the memory lane. Then become haunted by his ghost and I go back to that cruel cycle of losing sleep and being unbalanced again.

So thank you, Lord, for making me busy these days because that leaves me little time to think about anything else.

So like today, I edited a couple of stories in the morning then had back-to-back virtual press conferences/webinars. It drains my brain but it’s better than having an active brain at night. To survive the busy day, I had one can of beer to stimulate my brain and keep me company instead of coffee. I can’t sleep these days if I drink coffee.

The downside of being busy is that I wasn’t able to have my exercise (either bike or walkathon) in UP.

It’s unfair that I get to be like this while he doesn’t fucking care if I’m still alive and he is able to enjoy life like nothing happened. He is sleeping with somebody else now while I have developed a revulsion toward anybody outside my circle of friends because everyone else is not to be trusted. As The Script sang, you don’t get breakeven in breakups. One of you will suffer more.

I wish events and meetings can be face-to-face again so I can be busier and won’t have mental space for anything else. So I won’t have to drink beer while attending press conferences because coffee keeps me up all night.

I want my sleep back.

Cat days

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Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I made a cat tower by stacking up two sets of plastic shoe racks that I spray-painted gold. I hot glued abaca twine on the posts so my cats can climb. Cat towers in Tiendesitas cost PhP 8,000 and I simply refuse to spend that much on something as frivolous as a cat tower. The reason why I needed a cat tower is because my cat, Kimchi, keeps on clawing her way up on my curtains, destroying a number of them.

However, my DIY cat tower was a failure since they’re not that enticed to climb on it. Probably it was too high or it was unstable. So I demoted it into what it really was, a shoe rack.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Now they’re more willing to use this when it’s propped up against the sofa that they use as a launch pad when sunning themselves on this shoe rach/cat tower failure.

I removed two levels to use as another sleeping loft for them by the stairs as they got too big for their carrying crate that I initially used as their hiding/sleeping cave.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Now I’m darning all the curtains that Kimchi has ruined. I don’t want to throw them away just because of a tear. They’ll just end up in a landfill. I’m an ok seamstress anyway and my darning stitches are decent enough that they could disappear into the folds of the curtains.

Cats have this habit of lying on the things you’re working on like sewing projects or computer keyboards. They’re like petulant children constantly wanting your attention. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My cats’ claws are destructive, alright. I got scratched a number of times when I gave them a bath last week. I gave it a rest this week but sometime this week I will have another round with them.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Oh my children, the four-legged and the two-legged ones, have been keeping me occupied. The two-legged species have been pestering me about bicycling now that they learned how to. I have to make time for that since I can’t just leave then cycling around the village by themselves with cars all over.

Bought another second-hand folding bike so my other daughter won’t have to hostage mine when we go out. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

So now we have four bikes at home, which includes my purple Japanese-style commuter single speed bike that I would bring to my mom to give to her househelp.

So yesterday we cycled around the village along the streets with less cars. Cycled for at least an hour. It was good exercise and that took my other daughter away from the computer screen. Now that her twin has her own bike, we three may have another go tomorrow if I finish work early.

Stop asking

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Empty of you and me. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My friend said I will never find answers to my questions. There are things that we cannot find any resolutions or pieces to complete the puzzle. It is what it is. There are things that aren’t meant to be answered.

Stop asking. Leave them be. Stop looking for answers, she said.

I just need to get out of my head. Been living in my head for so long.