EDSA traffic hell is back. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I just conducted my first face-to-face interview today in more than a year. And I was caught off-guard by the onslaught of the dreaded Payday Friday traffic. It took me at least 1.5 hrs driving back home, almost like my daily commute during BC (Before Covid) years. It’s like, what lockdown are we talking about?!
I will be filing for my vacation leave two weeks from now. I’m so tired and need a recharge…My day today, save for the interview, was garbage. My edit was subpar, which my boss in Tokyo caught. Fortunately (or unfortunately?), I was already beyond caring that it didn’t cause hyperventilation and tight stomach muscles in me, which under normal circumstances would have happened.
I’m thinking of driving to Caliraya Lake, bike around, and camp. Hopefully, there won’t be thunderstorms.
After watching a Youtube tutorial on how to make ice cream just using a hand mixer, my girls and I decided we should go for it. Today.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
First, place a mixing bowl inside a bigger basin with a lot of ice. To make the ice last, dump a lot of sea salt in it.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Ingredients are pretty basic: All purpose cream, condensed milk, and vanilla extract.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
You need to incorporate air, lots of it, by whisking the cream and adding other ingredients slowly. You whisk the cream until it peaks.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Add crushed Oreos if you so desire. Or melted Hershey chocolate bar.
When done, pack it in a reusable ice cream tub that you have saved to contain other food stuff (because you’re Asian, you hate waste, so you reuse stuff).
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Freeze for 12-24 hours. Best if you hold off and eat it after 24 hours. I need to keep my girls from haunting the freezer.
There’s so much hype surrounding Trese, an animated adaptation of the Filipino graphic novel of the same name that will be shown on Netflix. I haven’t had the opportunity to read the series but I will find time to watch the animated series.
From what I gather, this is about a Filipina, Alexandra Trese (trese is thirteen is Spanish, believed to be a number of bad luck) who is some kind of detective who deals with the underworld/supernatutal. It gave me the Witch Hunter Robin vibes but Trese looks like she is more kickass than Robin.
Based from reviews of the graphic novel series, readers are introduced to Philippine mythology, the stuff that terrorized us kids at night like:
1. tiyanak – a blood-thirsty baby monster that started out as an aborted fetus, or so what the elders told us;
2. mananaggal – a monster that takes human form by day and splits in half during full moons; the upper body splits from the lower body and develops bat wings to fly and feed;
3. kapre – a giant that resembles a man that hangs out in huge trees and smokes a lot. When you see a tree at night billowing smoke, most likely that’s a kapre on that tree. I’m not really sure what this creature does but maybe it has something to do with bringing you with him to the underworld
4. wakwak – a vampiric bird, similar to manananggal. We don’t call that kind of monster wakwak here in Luzon, most likely it’s referred to as manananggal especially if you’re in an urban or semi-urban area.
5. tiktik – it’s a small creature probably like a troll or something that makes the “tik tik tik” sound on rooftops, especially when there’s a pregnant woman in the house. The creature bores a hole through the roof with its razor-sharp tongue to reach the pregnant woman’s tummy to feed on the fetus inside.
5. tikbalang – a half-man, half-horse creature that is said to make people get lost in the woods, never to be found again. The old people said that when you’re in the woods/mountain and you get lost, it’s most likely you’re being toyed by a tikbalang. I don’t know if they feed on humans but I think they’re some kind of foot soldiers of the underworld. When we were kids, we were told that if we get played by the tikbalang, we should turn our shirts inside out so we can reverse the spell cast on us by the creature so we could find our way home.
6. duwende – dwarf or similar to leprechaun I think; they said they live inside earth mounds and sometimes they live outside old homes; they can put curses on you. We’ve had stories in our family about being played upon or cursed by duwendes because they got offended for some reason.
7. aswang – a shape-shifting monster. This is one I feared the most when I was a kid. This creature can be anything. Like a vampire, it feeds on humans but not just blood, it devours humans like how big cats shred their preys. Unlike the other creatures above, the aswangs aren’t brainless zombies that you can easily outwit. They’re diabolical or basically demons in human form, if they want to manifest in that form. Sometimes they can be huge black dogs that chase motorists at night and grab people from their vehicles. Sometimes they make a doppelgänger of your friend or family to trick you and mislead as you have become a prey. Sometimes they said some witches are aswangs and they steal bodies of the dead during a funeral to feed on. When they steal a body, they replace the body in the coffin with a banana tree trunk. This is one of the reasons why people in the rural areas hold 24-hr vigils during funerals so that the aswang will not steal the body. They also said that aswangs, if they live among humans in a village, do not socialize and they do not come out during daytime. They do not have philtrum, or the indentation above the lip.
I did a research on these mythical creatures more than a decade ago as I was writing a novel based on Philippine mythology. I almost didn’t finish my thesis for my MA because I was so preoccupied writing this novel. One of the major antagonists, if not the main antagonist, was Maria Makiling, a diwata (a nature spirit, like a minor goddess or a fairy, based on the Sanskrit word devata = god), who is said to inhabit the mountain of the same name in my hometown. This diwata was said to be antagonistic towards foreigners to the area (i.e. non-residents) and make them go around in circles in her mountain, similar to what tikbalangs do, to be forever lost. One version of the legends we have of her was that when she was in her human form, she was raped by a foreigner whom she snubbed because she already had heart set on a native suitor. She has since become vindictive. Hence, the volcanic nature of the mountain.
I won’t go into details of what I wrote as I burned all copies of it. It was causing me literal nightmares. Like nightmares of aswangs circling overhead inside the church next to my childhood home. Regular nightmares. My novel involved occult rituals and I don’t know how they came about or how I conjured them up in my head. But considering how the paternal side of my family was into occult, like the really bad one, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had it buried in my brain all along.
I want to watch Trese but I’m afraid of summoning again the nightmares. Even if it’s just an anime.
Productivity motivator. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I finally pulled the trigger. I bought myself another Lenovo 23.8″ monitor from Lazada, same as the one I bought from Greenhills as a Christmas gift to myself. But it’s cheaper by around PHP 800 I think. I had been stuck in a rut and hadn’t been productive for a week and I fooled myself into thinking that a bigger second monitor will help me unstuck myself. I’m in some kind of funk that I couldn’t fully understand. Maybe I need to take time off from work for a week.
Yeah, I should take a vacation before I would start buying more random shit online again. 🤦🏻♀️
Naughty kitty. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
This cat has been climbing my windows via my muslin curtains and then cross the transom to reach the shelf so she can hang out there. Then she reaches for the stuffed toys below with her paws and throws them down to the bed below.
Then the cats get harassed by the kids… The amount of patience these cats have for their two legged siblings ❤️
Kimchi dressed up in my scarf by the kids. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
And then they would mess up my stuff and claim my chair…
That’s my chair! Photo by CallMeCreation.com
And then I wouldn’t have the heart to disturb their sleep…
Ok, I need to file for a vacation leave for next week or the week after that. I can’t go on like this. I would drive to Caliraya Lake and breathe some fresh air.
I had a lovely drive yesterday to my hometown to pick up my other daughter after she spent three weeks with her grandma and cousins.
On the way there, I passed by a huge fire along the highway that was causing some traffic build up. When I passed by the houses engulfed by the flames, I could feel the heat even inside my airconditioned car. Even the trees were on fire.
Fire! Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Before proceeding to my mom’s house, I drove around the campus to catch a glimpse of my old stomping ground.
I used to bring the girls here every summer when they were younger, with mats for some kind of picnic so they can run around. We flew kites too. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
It was beautiful but eerie due to absence of humans. I would have loved to lie on my back on that green grass to stare at the blue sky. But the roving police will surely apprehend me as they are still on a lockdown.
Football field without the goal posts. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I spent countless afternoons here playing football in high school and college, rain or shine. This used to be teeming with football players and athletics varsity players. I remember plunking on the grass with my sports bag every afternoon to put on my knee pads, knee socks and football boots. And gloves. Yes, I was a goal keeper. Oh how I *loved* rolling in the mud.
On the way back to Manila, I dropped off my nephew at their house and took this photo of the road that leads to bypass mountain road. I love taking this bypass road.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
It was already dark when we arrived at home. It was nice to get out of my cave and drive to see some greenery.
I read somewhere that you let go of the same person many, many times. At different times, for different reasons. This time I’ve let go of my anger towards J.
I was not bitter because he fell out of love. I was bitter and angry because if he already lost any affection for me, then he should have broken it earlier instead of treating me badly until I got depressed and folded. But no, he used me until he was financially stable so he can finally take off. In the first place, I wasn’t the one who asked him to move in with us. Then he dumped me when he was settled in his own place. That took a huge toll on me mentally. All this time he pretended he loved me because what he was just waiting for was stability for himself. But deep inside he disdains me so much that he didn’t have the decency to break up with me in person. I even had to ask to be told in person. He even didn’t want to give me a last embrace. When I begged for it, he didn’t even hug back…
I knew something was off by the latter half of 2020 but I got gaslighted all the time. I second-guessed myself. But because gaslighting is mental manipulation, the victim loses the ability to trust herself and her judgment. It really confused me. I was a hot mess: here I was trying to keep six people alive by my lonesome during a pandemic, balancing pressures from work and trying to keep my job amid mass layoffs, then he was doing this to me. I had to take my antidepressant to keep me from breaking down.
After he dumped me, I was vacillating between love and anger while trying to pick up the pieces of me, or of what was left of me. I was so angry to the point I regretted so many things, which was contrary to my principle in life of not regretting anything I’ve done. Because I wouldn’t have done things differently. Because I would still have loved him with much intensity and I would have still given my all.
Then one day, just purely by chance, I watched a video of a pastor from Sudan who used to be a hardcore Muslim and hated Christians, and he was willing to kill in the name of religion. Long story short, he said the person whom he tried to kill as a boy had lived and they met again in a Christian convention. The boy who he had thought he had killed had always prayed for him and said he has forgiven him a long time ago.
Something in me struck a chord. Forgiveness.
Because I couldn’t forgive, I couldn’t move on. I couldn’t forgive myself as well. I was harboring this anger as a defense mechanism, as a motivator, as a “f*ck you, J!” statement to him. I was nursing this anger to make me feel better. Which it did not.
After that video, I cried and cried and prayed. And I declared in my prayer:
“J, I forgive you. I am finally releasing you from this anger. I understand now that you did what you did because you didn’t have a choice at that time. You were in a strange country with no options except for going back to your original home country, which was the last thing you will do given that you don’t want to come home to your dad a failure. I release myself from this anger and I am forgiving myself for loving so much that I didn’t even leave anything for myself. I forgive myself for putting you first ahead of my children. I am releasing both of us. I pray that you will be able to find what you seek and may God always guide you and protect you, even if you don’t believe in Him. Amen.
There’s a strange lightness in me after that. I cannot say that I’ve completely healed. It comes slowly and there are moments that strong emotions towards him or over the past still engulf me from time to time. It’s natural to feel sad. It’s ok to miss him sometimes. It’s all right to vacillate between being ok and feeling shitty-I-wanna-cry-it-hurts. It has only been five months.
I held on to that Collective Soul song “Forgiveness” because it holds so much truth in it. And it’s a process. It doesn’t come easy.