Christmas Rush

Driving back to QC is terrible when you lack sleep. I drove for 3 hrs with a pounding head. I think my astigmatism got worse so I need to see an optometrist ASAP. It seems like the pandemic is only a figment of our imagination given the volume of cars out today on the highway and expressway.

Hosting our alumni homecoming last night was ok, except for low battery microphone issues. My class was able to raise about PhP 1.9m (USD 38,000) for the school (IT equipment like laptops for students in need and Internet access for them), digitization of records, and seed money for the endowment fund.

After the event, we just ate, had a little jamming session, and had the hired mobile/sound systems/broadcast/camera equipment company, etc pack their stuff. We didn’t have the energy to party like we did in the past when we only quit when the sun is already up.

This time we were out of the venue by 12 mn. That’s what growing old means.

Because I was so tired and sleepy, my mom and my older sister were the only ones who were able to join the caravan for Leni Robredo in our town and nearby cities this morning. In solidarity, I wore the volunteer shirt last night before we had our live broadcast.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

On our way back to QC, I bought some plants to give to friends for Christmas.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Photo by CallMeCreation.com

These plants are relatives of the birds of paradise (Musaceae) and they have to reach 5 ft before they start flowering. Given the right conditions, that can easily be achieved. Just look at my own birds of paradise, it has grown from a rhizome to 4 ft in 12 months. Had the mother plant lived, it would have flowered by now.

One of the reasons why we needed to go home ASAP is because my cats have been so sad. Ate C sent me another photo of Kimchi waiting for me to enter the door last night.

Waiting.

Meanwhile, my fridge has already given up on me. Ate C had been messaging me while I was driving that the lower part has remained at room temp but the freezer is still ok. She tried her best to do what I did as a band-aid measure when this fridge conked out a few months ago. But Ate C’s efforts it didn’t work.

So the first thing I did when we got home was to scan Lazada for deals. I finally bought the 11.6 cu ft two-door, bottom freezer inverter refrigerator from Panasonic with free shipping. I no longer want LG-branded fridges. This one at home is only 7 years old and the one it replaced was a Samsung, which was only two years old when the insulation burst open and leaked ice and water all over the place. I wanted the Hitachi bottom freezer fridge but Anson’s Online’s pricing was confusing. At first it said there was a discount of about PHP 3,000 but when I was checking out the item in my cart, it went back to the original price. It was dodgy. So they wouldn’t give discounts for those who are using credit cards online? That’s stupid.

And oh, I must talk to my financial advisor. I need to draw down one of my funds because construction for my flat will start in January.

I’m excited and scared.

Best Friends For Life

Today I saw my BFFs, who had been with me since elementary days. We laughed so much over lunch. One of them even took a leave of absence for work so we can hang out.

We needed that face to face connection. Serotonin boost for all of us. We all had been feeling blue about the daily drudgery of life and for a moment, we just relished each other’s company, and giggled like we were back in high school.

My girls, on the other hand, went out by themselves since my hometown is a very safe place to let them be. Especially inside the university campus. They ate at a Korean restaurant and hung out at Starbucks with their kuya and their tita and they were fetched by their tito (my brother) and dropped off here in grandma’s house at 9:30 pm. Tomorrow they will be out again with their kuya, eat at a ramen house and play hooky.

I think my decision to transfer here is a good one. For my kids to be more independent while being safe.

My older sister put up the lights this afternoon. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Even the garage was decorated. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This Toyota sedan was offered to me by my mom so I can let go of the old Isuzu. But that old car has so much use as I can carry three folding bikes and plants there all at the same time. This Toyota can only carry people and groceries.

I’ll be back here on the 24th. While my girls will be with their dad, paternal grandpa, and other relatives on their dad side, my cats and I will just be lolling about in the apartment. ❤️

Meanwhile, Ate C sent me these pics of my forlorn cats missing me. They kept waiting for me by the door.

Gotta sleep early. Hosting gig tomorrow.

Blehhhh

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Need to sleep early. I will be driving with the girls to my hometown at 5 am tomorrow. We need to be at my mom’s house at 8 so my girls can attend online classes on time. I have a call at 10:30 am and another call at 3 pm.

I have hosting duties on Saturday, that’s why I’m trying to be one day ahead

Growing up so fast

At the salon. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My girls have asked me if they can have haircuts because their pandemic hair already looked unruly. So since today is a Catholic holiday, I obliged and went to a salon that didn’t require prior appointment.

I took advantage of the free time and brought them to their dentist for their prophylaxis. What was supposed to be an emergency procedure (because Twin I broke her molar tooth but it turned out to be a clean break) became a routine procedure–annual cleaning. Might as well get that out of the way.

It was kinda awkward that one of the assistants asked about J, whom they referred to as the girls’ dad. I was at the waiting room when that was asked so I didn’t know. Isay honestly said, oh he’s not my dad and he’s no longer around.

The assistant said, oh but you looked like him that’s why I mistook him as your dad.

It must be the eyes. My girls got my small eyes.

Anyway, after dentist, we braved SM Marikina because I need to buy them underwear–especially bras–because they have grown up so fast. I’m surprised that they have matured earlier than me. My body started to change when I was 12 and really didn’t have pimples until I was in college.

Their choices for their clothes and other personal stuff are no longer child-like. They hate princess stuff and gravitate towards more mature colors like teal, grey, and black.

My little girls are no longer little. They’re turning into ladies. 🥺

At the same time, I’m preparing myself for the changes my body will also go through. This essay on Huffpost is like a slap in the face for me who had become so insecure about my age after I have had an ageist ex-partner who went after a girl almost 15 yrs his junior. I didn’t mind before that I was already 40. It was a badge of honor that I reached that age and hopefully much wiser. But then…I met J. Oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have to get over that trauma. I’m fine. My age doesn’t matter anymore. It’s just me and my friends, who thankfully don’t care about my age. I just need to lose my belly and I’m ok.

I will be ok.

A few words of wisdom

A friend just sent me this via FB Messenger a few minutes ago. She and I are both trying to heal from bad breakups. She even flew to Maryland from here to be with the guy but he just took her for granted. She went to NY and stayed with her brother to heal. She says she will be coming back home here if things don’t pan out there.

I told her, the reason I’m going back to my past is to rediscover some things I lost.

I may be wrong, but this is how I am coping with this trauma. This is how I pick myself up when I sink into my episodes. Because when you have trauma, the triggers will surely be pulled and the bullet will go straight into your head. Healing from trauma is managing how to get the bullet out of your head. Later I would learn how to dodge the bullet when the triggers are pulled.

In the meantime, I am sewing these masks so that my co-hosts and I would have uniform masks on Saturday for our high school alumni homecoming. Our class shirt is light blue so these teal masks are unisex and would go with our shirts. Sewing these keeps me busy and helps me remove the bullet from my head. Especially now that my first death anniversary is coming up on the 17th-18th–that is already next week!

Hand-sewn masks. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Picking my brain

I don’t feel ok.

Just had a session with my doctor this evening and i feel like my brain was drilled open and the things that I had been burying were hauled out. The things I keep suppressing burst out like a geyser.

It’s not your fault, she said. Stop whipping yourself. Give your self some credit. Be kind to yourself. He was just the wrong person. It’s not your fault; it’s just you had a lot of love to give–that’s all. You have to love yourself more, she said.

“Did he apologize to you?”

“No, not really. It’s a ‘sorry’ that went along the lines of ‘Sorry, it’s just that.’ But not really apology for hurting me. For using me. For his treatment of me towards the end that sent me over the edge,” I told my doctor. “But I have to reconcile with myself that I will never get that so I deal with it. I have to accept that I won’t get answers. You don’t get closure from someone else; you get your closure from within yourself.”

“What are you doing to get out of your episodes?”

“During lockdowns I couldn’t do anything much. Not even go biking to clear my head. Then I got Covid that further trapped me indoors and in my brain. Now that I can drive, I can see friends from way back. Those who knew me before shit had hit the fan. That’s why I’m going back to my roots; to what I was–to who I really am. To the things that made me like myself. It’s my way of loving myself,” I said.

“Good that you are able to pick yourself up now,” she said.

She then lowered my dosage of the anti-anxiety med, which may have been causing me to get sleepy more than necessary. She asked me if I could already sleep on nights I’m off it (because I now take it once every two nights). I said yes, I think so I can now.

I no longer wake up every hour, I said. Covid was bad; I was asleep 75% of the time but it was good that I made up for the months I haven’t been sleeping. It felt good,” I remarked.

Nap time. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Just like today, I was joined by my cats during my after lunch sleep. I always get sleepy by midday. Because of this I will just take my anti-anxiety med once every three days.

But my anti-depressant will still be there during my entire 12-month therapy. Hopefully I won’t have triggers by then. I wish the things that hurt me and had killed me over and over will just be a bad dream.