Company over

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The girls started having friends over again after two years of being by themselves. For dinner we had Korean BBQ because that’s the easiest to serve when you have company.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Hopefully, the kids will finally have face-to-face classes this coming school year. A lot of kids are having a hard time coping. My college-age nephew is one of them.

Because I didn’t take any sleeping aid last night (just to try), I was wide awake until 5 am today 🤦🏻‍♀️ and I wasn’t able to take a nap so I’m like… Whatever.

Flowers. I’ve always liked them. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

After 4 hours of sleep, I finally gave up and started attending to my container garden at 9 am. It keeps me grounded, it is meditative, and it gives me things to look forward to everyday. While I’m trying to fix my body clock (I can’t bike if I lack sleep or else might get into an accident), domestic and quiet pursuits like gardening would have to suffice.

I fear I’m becoming Emily Dickinson…Becoming more of a recluse as time goes by and whose existence is only proven by correspondences. She has lived the last decades of her life puttering around her home, never married, and shunned social interaction to the point that she spoke to visitors through the door.

Or I’m becoming like Sandra Bullock in the movie The Net. Come to think of it, I am living that movie. My colleagues for the most part have not met me personally or those who have known me have only seen me a few times in a year. I go in and out of our offices in different parts of the world without so much of a whisper. I do everything online, even ordering groceries and my medical consultations. I rarely have cash in my wallet nowadays, everything is paid by credit card or via QR codes/e-wallets.

Friends from 20-plus years ago find it strange that I’m so domesticated that they could no longer associate the hard-drinking, hard-smoking party girl of yore. I drove a truck then and my friends and I would park it somewhere and we would be drinking at the back of the truck. There was a time that I was so hammered that I drove home in first gear and a friend on the passenger seat was guiding me because I was already blacking out. 😂

Oh the folly of youth. You always feel like you’re immortal.

I was in this phase when I met the girls’ dad. The ex-husband didn’t think well of me before. I even wondered why he even bothered. It was really all a mistake, right from the very start. I stuck with the relationship to prove something probably. Pressure from my father probably. Pressure from my mother probably. Some friends from the industry asked why did it feel like as the date of my wedding grew closer, I looked like a bride who is about to face the firing squad?

I no longer bothered analyzing things. It’s done. It’s over. 17 years wasted. As Twin I said, it wasn’t all that bad; you had us. Yes, that’s the best part of that.

So it’s like I’m living a new life. I’m now the hybrid of my sensitive teenage me and the adrenalin-junkie 20s me. Let’s see what’s in store for the hybrid me.

Friyay!

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Kimchi sleeping on my iPad. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m quite satisfied that I had been somewhat more productive this week despite my sleeping problem that I have yet to solve. I still keep waking up at 3 or 4 am. But so far I’m getting the hang of it now. The company I wrote about yesterday didn’t have issues about the article that came out today despite my earlier report about their stuff without their blessing. I hate it when companies file complaints when nothing was really wrong–it just so happened that I was able to dig information about them and I get to write about them without their spin. Anyway, that’s life for me. You can’t last in this business without having nerves of steel.

Speaking of cats, my neighbor had called a home service vet to spay the stray orange mommy cat and she’s recovering inside our cage stationed by my neighbor’s side/back door. I just have scheduled a neutering surgery for the white stray cat on the 24th but PAWS has yet to email me if my schedule is confirmed.

Painting everything, including my nails. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My hands were restless last night while I was attending our townhall meeting for the global editorial staff so I had my nails painted. Applying nail polish on myself without errors is an exercise to master holding and painting with an unwieldy brush. By the time I was done with my fingers and toenails, the meeting had ended.

Twin I complained about her cheap wireless mouse no longer working so I finally had an excuse to pass down this very reliable Logitech keyboard and mouse set to her and ordered my own Logitech mechanical wireless keyboard and mouse combo. It was more expensive than I was aiming for. I was initially thinking of buying the Royal Kludge mechanical wireless keyboard that I had been eyeing for a few months now but I saw the very colorful and retro Logitech one...I’m shallow like that. But hey, Logitech has been tested and my old set is working perfectly fine and the battery life lasts two or three years.

Lying down, staring at the lights and the ceiling. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m finally more relaxed this Friday compared to two weeks ago when I had to parse in my head the chaos that happened. I’m listening now to piano music while I lay sprawled on my bed. I’m thankful that I have settled down a bit and anxiety is slowly ebbing away. A lot of self-love and good support system are needed to be able to get up from every stumble like that. I thank my friends for being my crutches when I go through moments like that. K had been checking me every now and then and has been concerned about my lack of sleep. B has been reminding me that I am an ok human being and it is him who is problematic.

I am thankful that I no longer had this weight to carry with me around. He keeps chasing things but it seems like he doesn’t know what he wants. He is never really happy and I constantly worried about making him happy and satisfied when we were still together. But he never for once thought about my own happiness, about what I liked, what I wanted. It’s hard. Until he figures out whatever that he is supposed to be chasing, he will keep bouncing around. I couldn’t keep up with that, I finally realized.

With every stumble I had, I keep realizing things that I lost. The first time I grieved his physical loss. The second time is I grieved over the person I thought he was. The third—and hopefully the last time—is I grieved over the realization that I wasn’t really loved. I had to let go of that illusion now that I have digested all these–everything.

Giving my unconditional love, opening up my home and my life, and building up a family for him so he would no longer be alone was too costly—it was at the expense of my entire well-being. I am now going through therapy and God knows when I will be all right. Fourteen months is a long time. Although I can look at it this way: it gives me a better perspective on what I should be pursuing instead and found my true self in the process. I lost her somewhere along the way. I was so busy adulting and pleasing other people that I neglected myself.

As part of my art therapy, I will try urban sketching. I will be going out to work in a coffee shop and from time to time I will try to sketch my environment. Like the urban sketchers I follow on Instagram.

I feel excited whenever I start a new drawing.

I’ll probably start next week so I can finally finish three pending articles I have on my to do list.

I should buy lots and lots of sketch notebooks. I’ve been looking at them online…hehehehe.

Metaverse/s

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I attended a press conference this morning about the metaverse/s hosted by one of the big global banks. Simply put, it’s one of the sectors we should be looking at right now. It has gone beyond gaming and NFTs. It’s beyond immersive experience and simple AR/VR. It has crept into commerce, industrials, and fitness. Soon it will be in healthcare and other mainstream industries.

My notes during the webinar/press conference. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

As a journalist, I always try to investigate on my own the things I am writing about. Just like in financial services, fintech, and e-commerce I’ve tried all the services and technology that are available to me so I could nitpick and see how it ticks and tocks. When I started covering the local stock market 15 years ago, I started investing in stocks so I could fully understand the mentality of an investor and see and write about companies how an investor would look at them. I went to visit power plants and control bases of power grids to see how power is dispatched and attended a looooooot of conferences so I know what I was writing about like an old grid choking or a power plant tripping.

So I have a pending story about a private equity firm that banks on heavily on the metaverse, through content and infrastructure. I haven’t written it yet because I needed to totally understand (even though I have already skimmed the surface) what makes it tick and how blockchain figures into the whole metaverse. With this press conference, I can finally complete that story.

Since the future of hyperscalers like Meta, Google, Apple, Amazon, Microsoft, and to some extent, Sony, are in this metaverse, I might as well get immersed into their world–into the world where it sprouted: gaming.

I have played games in the past but I wasn’t that so much into it that I got immersed. In elementary I played, like everyone else, Nintendo games like Legend of Zelda and Mario. Then in college I played PC games. My college friend (the friend who just reconnected with me a few days ago) gave me a copy of Pokemon when we were in our final year and I played it until the wee hours because I had too much time on my hands. I had only 11 units enrolled at that time because I was just finishing my thesis and I have already frontloaded some of my courses in the prior years. I had a boyfriend who introduced me to Final Fantasy and Worms. I stuck with Worms because I could play it on a PC at home but Final Fantasy has to be played on a PS, which I didn’t have. Besides, Worms is sooooo cute but it’s a strategy game, which I liked. When I was already working, I had a PSP loaded with games that worsened my carpal tunnel syndrome like God of War and Prince of Persia. I sold it to my brother because I couldn’t get things done.

The problem now is I have access to too many games (hello, Steam!) that I may not be able to get things done again. So I think I should just stick first to reading stuff on Reddit and Discord to understand the inner workings of the metaverse. These bankers who were talking about it this morning seemed like they have inhabited this realm.

I just finished a long article (I think at least 1,000 words) this afternoon and it was like pulling out my teeth. I should get back into the habit of writing three stories a day, like when i was with local media. I used to be a fast writer. I really lost my groove last year due to obvious reasons but I should be able to pick up the pace now that I declare this is the last time I will fall down on my knees because of him. He didn’t even care about me even when we were still together, so why should I let myself be still affected by him until now? He doesn’t even give a flying fuck about me.

B messaged me that she’s in Boracay right now. I told her K will be there next week. She said, “Oh dear, K is always here!” I replied, “He’s immensely enjoying himself there with all his sexcapades that’s why he keeps coming back.” B then said, “Why don’t you join him in Boracay next week?” She said she might visit. I said that I will just be a hindrance to his grand plans when all I want to do is to do is kite boarding. B said, “you don’t want to have sex?!”

“Uh no. I should be healing first.”

“Why don’t you heal and have sex?” B asked.

“Because I’m not like that. It has meaning to me,” I said.

I guess they don’t understand.

Even in my younger years I’ve never been like that. It’s the conservative side of me. It’s the sensitive artist/writer in me. I’ve never been reckless. I only slept with four people in my entire life. Four. And that’s the end of it. That’s why it hurts when my partner screws around.

“No, you guys go. I’m happy where I am right now,” I told B.

I’d rather be celibate like my cats.

Never doubt myself again

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Jo and I were talking about gaslighting and how it affects one’s own ability to believe in her own gut feel and overall confidence. Constant gaslighting erodes a person’s sound judgment and in the long run her mental health gets warped. That’s how abusers take control of the situation and that’s how victims get stuck–they constantly second-guess themselves about feeling something was not right and she should take action. It takes a lot of mental unpacking to be able to heal from that kind of psychologically abusive relationship.

I am advocating for women to seek counseling or therapy if they suffered from traumatic breakups. It’s not petty. It’s not nagiinarte. One’s healing or non-healing will dictate the course of her future relationships (not just romantic) with other people and also with herself. The problem with a patriarchal society is that women are told to “just sleep on it” or “here, eat some ice cream” when we undergo this seismic shift. Jo said that it’s unfortunate that she knows three people who are like this and are not seeking proper counseling.

Gaslighting is cruel. It’s a form of manipulation by narcissists by invalidating the victim.

I should never doubt myself again.

I did not sleep at all. If I did, I only had 30 mins of uninterrupted sleep last night, despite taking 6mg of melatonin. Then every so often I wake up that I finally gave up sleeping. I should stop my brain from thinking at night.

Lavender candle during a webinar. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I had a hard time concentrating today because of my lack of sleep so I lighted my lavender-scented candle to help me feel good while listening and taking down notes during a webinar where they talked about widespread loan restructuring and interest rate differentials.

Now I’m writing a long-ish article since I find that I can concentrate better at night. Which should not be the norm because this time should be down time already.

I want this nightmare to end.

There’s this guy with a Chinese name who wanted to connect on Instagram via direct message. I was to dismiss him but my curiosity was sparked since there were a lot of Chinese bots that followed me (which I eventually blocked) on Twitter. It’s not a secret that CCP monitors journalists abroad, especially those who have retweeted the HK protests and the West Philippines Sea debacle.

So I chose to engage. Who are you, I asked. He said he is a dentist in Belgium but originally from Taiwan. Hmmm suspicious. Why do you want to follow me, how did you come by my profile when it’s private? He said he was scanning for someone on IG when he came across my profile and wanted to be friends. Still very suspicious. Since I have no way of checking his IP address, I investigated whom he was following.

Well, they were all random Filipino women. All 600+ of them.

Dear God, why am I always in the line of sight of predators?! I never provocatively posed in photos, I always dress conservatively, and my all my social media profiles are always private (except for Twitter because that’s for monitoring purposes). Even on my LinkedIn, which is a professional networking platform, there are those who attempt to use it as a pick-up platform like Tinder. I have reported and blocked those predators.

The only way I can stay safe from predators is to stay away from all men.

Meanwhile, here’s my quick coloring of Imee Marcos’ caricature as A Witch Named Imee as a Mango. Stuff of nightmares.

Art and Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Twin A asked me to draw a picture of the three of us and she specifically asked for bunnies.

Art and Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Art and Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Art and Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Mending fences

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I had a very good guy friend (if there was a best guy friend, he was it) in college and we were close. He was there every heartbreak I had. He was protective of us girls in the group. I often had drinking sessions with him. Right after we graduated he confessed: that he liked me from the beginning, on the first day our block met. He said he was in love with me and he took the same classes I took so that we would be classmates. I was so clueless then; I had no idea. And the reason why he didn’t pursue me was I had a boyfriend who was his fraternity brother. When I was free, he was in a relationship with our common friend. He said it was not meant to be.

So I brushed it off and it was like my rejection of him. I did not entertain him.

But his girlfriend knew she was just playing second fiddle to me and was very insecure of me. Since I was also her friend, I chose to cut the ties with both of them so they can live in peace. I had since transferred to Manila.

However, he was being weird and was sending me weird messages on YM and emails. I had to lie that I was already married (but I wasn’t) but the message got warped and it made a whole lot of mess, to make the long story short. His girlfriend was so angry that she called me names and other stuff on the phone. I don’t know why she was angry when I was the one who was already cutting her bf off. So this gf and her bestfriend slandered me online and so on and so forth. Later, things soured between the couple that they split. This guy friend was so angry with me (and I don’t know why when he was the one who was being weird) and that finally burned our bridges.

Years later, the former gf and her bestfriend apologized to me and said it was jealousy and deceit by the guy that propelled her to do what they had done to me. For me it was a non-issue anymore since they were so far removed from my reality…I mean I was leading a very different life and they no longer mattered.

A few months ago, this guy friend requested to follow me on Instagram. I was glad that he no longer has issues with me. Today, this guy friend reached out to me on IG and asked about my kids that he often sees on my posts. I also commented on his kids and we were talking about kids, his wife, raising children, etc. It was like nothing happened. We are finally mending fences after 20 years. He said when we come back to our hometown, he’ll bring his kids to meet mine.

You know, when the friendship is true, it doesn’t matter how far and how long you had been away from each other. You will still be friends again at some point. Because you respected each other and if you hurt each other in the past, in the end it won’t matter anymore because the ties that bound you are still there.

I can’t say the same for romantic relationships that were built on lies and deceit.

My little pink rose. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This rose struggled but against all odds it bloomed again. It started out as plain pink rose but now it bloomed into a variegated mini rose.

They lived! Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My flowers survived days after their transplant/re-potting. Yey! The real culprit in many of my plants’ death is the root rot because the water didn’t drain well. The planter’s holes were blocked so I spent almost an hour just punching holes in this one and changed soil. Now I have to condition it with humic acid fertilizer that I buy online. This was effective in helping my dormant roses and mums flower again.

My garden at night. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My goal is to fill every nook and cranny of this small courtyard with flowers before we leave this apartment next year. I want this to bloom all year-round.

Slowly. One step at a time. I am building myself up again, mending fences with the past, and forging a new future with new self-respect, love, and appreciation for myself and for whatever I have. Because as I said before, all I want is to have peace and be content.

Time check: 3:42 am. Damn, I only slept for 30 mins. I could no longer go back to sleep. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Self-care

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Self-care pack received today. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This came via Grab I think, sent by my corp comm friends. Unfortunately, I’m still not allowed to drink alcohol so I’ll keep it until I’m off alprazolam.

While working. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I have lighted the lavender-scented candle for good vibes because I’m still working past 8 pm. Rushed a billion-dollar deal story and did some admin stuff. I don’t know if I can continue with my daily art journal entry. I just started a new one but hmmm…I can’t figure out how to continue with this. I need inspiration.

Maybe I need to get out. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My friend M said he likes how I am healing myself (gardening, crafts, drawings, cooking) and friends could see that via Instagram. I told him that it’s nice that my work is very flexible and I can station myself anywhere. I can spend a week in Singapore if I want to or a week in Vietnam to escape. But not right now since Covid is still nasty. I have a few moments for myself for hobbies. I’m stabilizing now that I found that melatonin is helping me have better sleep quality. I should take 6 mg before 9 pm so I won’t have to wait until 5 am to fall asleep. Although I still get awakened at 4 am…and I don’t freaking know why.

As part of my healing process, I am purging one of the fondest memories I had of Valentine’s day. I am letting this go. This event may be part of the play-acting to manipulate me.

Victoria Peak at sunset. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Overlooking Hong Kong. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I held on to this memory of us trekking to Victoria Peak in Hong Kong to see the sunset. Then we crossed the bay on a ferry to Kowloon to have dinner. I thought it was very sweet. But I guess it was all a lie, ain’t it? I’m letting this go and this no longer belongs in my folder of precious memories.

Now I call this one below the Tower of Sauron. It’s all a lie.

Crossing to Kowloon. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Next time I fly to Hong Kong, I will supplant this with a better memory. It will all be gone like in the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I’m already desensitizing myself by digging through my folders and letting this out.

I know he’s charming others now to manipulate them to do his bidding. Classic characteristic of a narcissist. It was all about them, never caring for the other party. Even if they know that one thing is already wrong, they will insist on their own twisted reasoning, all for one-upmanship. It’s all about getting even or “winning” over the other person, be it an enemy or a partner.

It’s sad, actually. Sad for me because I thought I was loved, even for a moment. But in truth I was really targeted as the next vulnerable victim. During our first meeting, he lied and said all that stuff about Philippines being the Pearl of the Orient Seas before and how his firm wanted to invest in the country to bring it back on the world map. Later on when we were already together, he told me his firm doesn’t really give a crap about the country–it’s all about the deal. And that they have white-guy biases. I hated that he lied to me just to charm me. I was having doubts all throughout the relationship (bits and pieces here and there) and the big glaring warning was during the time we were in Bohol. But I guess that’s how he gaslighted me all those 2.5 years. I’m so gullible, right?

I had told my friends before that I’ll be ok–that when I look back when I’m already 60 years old, I can say that I’ve been loved and it’s all that counts…Well I am wrong. I was never loved. It was all in my head. I, who had come out of a failed marriage, wanted to believe what I only wanted to believe. See what I only want to see. Big red flag was when I mistakenly opened his Facebook logged in on her ex-gf’s account. He was still stalking her. And he wasn’t over her because he still wanted to chase her to California and settle there, even to the point of staying with his sister even though they’re not in good terms. He told me to prove to the ex that he “made it” after she told him that he is dumb to throw his medical career away. To prove her wrong. Well, if it’s not being over her, what was I doing there??? As I said before, I was a void filler.

What is love? I don’t know what it is anymore. I no longer know how it is to be loved since I’m always the one expending the energy and giving all.

So fuck Valentine’s Day. It’s an invention of Hallmark cards.

Memories. Fucking memories. I am letting them all go now. They were all lies anyway.