Giving people the benefit of the doubt sent me to the deeper end and it always, ALWAYS had been detrimental to me. I justify my love for them that’s why I give them allowances.

Took me so much hurt and rude awakening to realize he is an evil person. I had been making excuses in my head, searching for the good in him but I ignored the big glaring fact that he is what he is.

Learned the hard way.

Let me tell you another story. This one is less political.

So my ex-husband has had this penchant for cheating on me even before we got married. Why I stuck with him, I don’t know. Maybe I was there to prove something, like I can turn him around/rehabilitate him or what. Anyway, this story is not about that.

There was this girl who kept on messaging him on his mobile phone. One day she called. I answered it. Told her I was the wife of M. She threw expletives at me and among the many things thrown at me, all I could remember was she was a gf or something—whatever. I shouted at my bf (at that time) and threw his phone, broke it and flushed the SIM down the toilet.

I learned that my bf/ex-husband didn’t lose contact with his gfs and he kept them all on the side, you know, “in case of emergency.” (Among the other life skills I learned was to hack into his emails and his phone to discover his indiscretions). I stalked this girl online for a long, long time and messed up her blogs and so on and so forth. My investigative journo skills were in full mode at that time. What bothered me was that this girl looked like me, my brother said. At that time she was a call center agent. I learned that she took up a course under the UP College of Mass Communication but got kicked out of the program and had to relocate to a faraway campus, got into another program where her grades were more acceptable. Anyway, with the rise of social media, she became more visible to me. What’s funny is that because she is so in love with herself, she didn’t even bother making her social media accounts private.

I no longer have a beef with her right now and out of curiosity as to what she’s up to, I searched for her online. It seems like she lives on the outskirts of BGC, one of the condos there on the edge because I think one of the views from her window faces Taguig and she hangs out at BGC a lot. There was one time there was an art fair at Bonifacio High Street and she had a booth there and I came face to face with her. She probably doesn’t have any idea who I was but I fully knew who she was. She is this artsy-fartsy thing who does art commissions, or so she tries to project on her social media posts. She hangs out in coffee shops around BCG and does art on her tablet.

I think she’s a perfect target for someone like J. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets to pick her up randomly.

It’s just a wild thought but I know she would be a good fit because she’s shiny, she’s superficial, and she knows how to project herself. He likes superficial things. They’re exactly the same age.

It was just unfortunate that I gave my unconditional love to somebody like that. It’s hard getting it back, hence, my emotional bankruptcy. A PR professional friend messaged me on FB tonight and asked me how I was and if I already have a bf (after J). I said no, I need to heal and I’m not searching—that I’m done. I’m happier like this. She said it’s when I’m not searching the One comes. I said no, just the thought of it creeps me out. It’s just too painful, I told her. I don’t think I can have another one again.

Which brings me to this:

I mean, ok, they’re happy. The on-screen couple turned real-life couple. Good for them. I just hope it lasts. Excuse my jadedness.

There are people made for this, and there are people who are not. I clearly do not belong to the first group. Even if I gave my all—all my love and kindness, tried to see good in people even if they don’t deserve it—I always end up in a ditch and disrespected.

So no, friend, I’m better off like this. I need to grow and learn more about the world and the hard lessons life is teaching me. I’m not about to seek comfort and affirmation from someone else because it only leads to disaster.

I am done with the two curtain panels for the girls’ bedroom.

Now they’re up on their windows.

I’m just finishing a small panel and then I will be done with their room. I can now proceed to do the complicated poppy flower drawing…

Just look at my hobbies—they’re hardly the thing that sophisticated, shiny people do. I do granny things. I’m not even into grandmillennial style…just granny. My interests are contemplative things like hiking, diving, biking, home DIY, museums, daydreaming on a grassy patch of land, gardening, cooking, drawing, singing, and lots of reading. I’m not into clubbing and so over bar-hopping.

I’m boring. I could hardly be an asset to a person who wants to aspire for big things in life like being a fund manager or a fund owner. A CEO of a conglomerate. I also could never be a tai tai nor I wanted to be one.

During this period of transition inmy life I realized I just want to be like this: