This song is already 14 years old but it’s only now that I had a full grasp of how angry this song is. Especially when I sang it after all that has happened.
This is my angry song.
Category Archives: personal
F*ck you
I wish I can say this to you right now. I wish you can feel my angst. It’s what keeps me alive these days. Otherwise I would have fallen apart.
F*ck you.
That feels so much better.
Meet my new partner
It folds. I have no trouble shoving it at the back of my car. I can bring it with me anywhere.
We will have more adventures in the coming days. I’m creating new memories by myself with this new partner.
I think I’m fine with that because that’s the future I’m going to carve out for myself.
One day you’ll get tired
This was what a friend told me: you’ll eventually get tired of this. Just embrace it, don’t run away from it. Feel it. Grief is something you have to face head on. Cry all you want. Feel all you want. One day you’ll just get exhausted by it then you’ll just find yourself ready to walk away from it.
But right now, it’s ok to be angry. You have every right, she said. Do not deny yourself that right to be angry. Don’t give yourself a deadline; be kind to yourself. If you feel you did wrong, forgive yourself. If you feel like it’s your fault that you loved too much, forgive yourself.
As Neil Gaiman said, we don’t get over a broken heart. We just get better at living with the pain, with the wound that eventually becomes a scar. But it’s there. We just master the pain.
I don’t want this anymore. I want to be normal again.
But what is normal?
No, I take that back. Normal me is being gullible and vulnerable. What I should aspire for is being tough and emotionless.
So ok, I want to be tired soon. I want my sleep back. I want this to be over. I want to be very far away.
In my silence I would love to forget
But restitution hasn’t come quite yet
And with one accord I keep pushing forth
I stretch my heart to heal some more
It used to be all I want to learn
Was wisdom, trust, and truth
By now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you
As my seasons change I’ve now grown to know
When one’s heart creates one’s soul doesn’t owe
So I wash away stains of yesterday
Then tempt my heart with love’s display
It used to be all I want to learn
Was wisdom, trust, and truth
By now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you
It used to be all I want to learn
Was wisdom, trust, and truth
By now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you
Picking up the pieces
I am now starting to accomplish things that I’ve put in the backburner for so long. I’ve changed the 15-year-old muffler with a new one and had the diesel engine calibrated. No more smoke belching. I will soon have some things fixed like autodoor locks and alarm and then new body repair and paint (my 🤷🏻♀️ brother stuck stickers on it that I couldn’t get rid of). The guy who worked on my engine said my car’s longevity is good, it’s one of the most fuel efficient cars out there, therefore, don’t let go of it.
I have a long pipeline of leads to work on.
I’m gonna schedule my cats’ surgeries soon after bloodwork.
I’m soon gonna have my osteoma removed. Just need to file medical leave. Then to chiropractor for back pain.
I will be buying myself later this week a folding bike that I can take with me on trips. I sold his mountain bike and deposited the proceeds to his account. One glaring thing that reminds me of him everyday will soon be gone. Some more to go. I just don’t know how to send it back to him.
I bought myself a bird of paradise plant from Mt. Makiling in my hometown. I will be picking up gardening again as vegetable prices have shot up. Hopefully they will be ready for harvest during the hot dry summer months.
I need to keep busy. Need to be tired. Need to be blank by night. Sleep still eludes me.
Because I can
I rode my very old purple, single speed Japanese-style bike to buy vegetables in UP this afternoon. Because I can.
Now I’m sore, not as much as when I played football for a whole day 22 years ago. Bought fruit shake from that fruit and vegetable shop, like we used to do. Now I’m creating memories of my own. Because I can.