Burnout

I just found a gem hidden somewhere on Youtube. I first fell in love with this song when 3D (Dancel, Dumas, Danao) did an acoustic live version of this, which felt like…burnout. Or the middle of a burnout. This version, on the other hand, feels like a breeze caressing your cheek after a meltdown. Especially the part where Clara Benin sang, “tinatawag kita/sinusuyo kita/di mo man marinig/di mo man madama…” I felt that.

Unfortunately for me this is not available on Spotify so I can’t add this to my playlist. So I always have to hunt this down on Youtube.

…Tinatawag kita, sinusuyo kita
Di mo man marinig, di mo man madama
O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin
O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin…”

Hanggang kelan? Hindi ko alam pero ang alam ko lang ay pagod na ako.


I went food shopping this evening and I bought slabs of steak for me to grill tomorrow because my very good friend, K, will be coming over. Must have heard that I got sick.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

But I wouldn’t eat this after my tests came back and indicated that I am a walking heart attack. I will have grilled salmon instead. Made potato salad tonight to go with these and some steamed veggies. No alcohol, as the doctor ordered so I just bought sparkling grape juice for me while K will have red wine. I also bought brie cheese to go with the wine.

And yeah, no caffeine for me either.

I now only have flower teas or milk for breakfast. Then lunch and light dinner. Can’t wait for this lockdown to end so I can bike and burn calories.

Most powerful song

This one song had a profound effect on me, especially the lines:

“Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?
Years go by, if I’m stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by, will I choke on my tears ’til, finally there is nothing left
One more casualty, you know we’re too easy, easy, easy

Because of this song, I promised myself I will not waste away my years and end up at 65 years old, asking myself where has my life gone? It was 2016. I told the the father of my kids about me filing an annulment case. Because of these most powerful lines:

…I said sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice, I hear my voice, and it’s been here
Silent all these years. I’ve been here silent all these years
Silent all these, silent all these years

After I got off that horrible situation, I thought I found “somebody else to understand” me. Nope. This need for some kind of understanding was exploited. And landed me in a situation where “I choked on my tears ’til finally there is nothing left.”

I’m still trying to recover. I’m still trying to find my voice because staying silent through the years, when I gave more energy than I received, is like being disembowelled. I died but I kept on living.

Tori Amos, you do not have any idea how much your song changed me.

Shattered

Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future’s open wide, beyond believing
To know why hope dies
And losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
But the silence of this sound is soon to follow
But somehow sundown

And finding answers is forgetting all of the
Questions we call home
Passing the graves of the unknown

As reason clouds my eyes with splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight
A reflection of a lie will keep me waiting
with love gone for so long

And this day’s ending is the proof of time
killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold

And I’ve lost who I am, and I can’t understand
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love
Without, love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on
But I know, all i know is that the end’s beginning
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent
All this time spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain
All is lost but hope remains and this war’s not over
There’s a light, there’s a sun taking all these shattered ones
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding
Fall into your sunlight


Been swimming in David Hodges (including Trading Yesterday, Arrows to Athens) songs the past 48 hours. I don’t know why. I haven’t listened to him in years. Maybe because he has been very apt for the past few days.

It’s Monday again; it’s such a struggle to be productive but against all odds I was. There was a “little” mishap during today’s press conference not of my doing (never trust other people to do their jobs well) but I still managed to salvage what could be salvaged and still end up triumphant. But I ended up rushing a time-sensitive story, rushing to publish ahead of competition. I hedged an article related to this one last week, which was a good call since today could have gone another way. My 20-year experience always gets tested in situations like these.

To calm my frayed nerves. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I had to grab one bottle of Smirnoff to calm me down after the hectic day I’ve had. I had to finish another very long article today that was already overdue while trying to rush that time-sensitive story. And my editing jobs had piled up on me from last Friday.

All I wanted was to float today.

I wanted to process so many things today but life gets in the way.

Like you know, you can’t stop the world from turning just because yours already stopped but your children’s worlds continue to move on. You cannot die even if you’re already dead because your children need to go on living. You cannot afford to be suspended in air because your children need you. You have no choice but to be strong when you just want to buckle and give in. Because you’re tired of fighting. But fight you must, for your children.

Thus is the life of a solo parent. You carry the weight of the world and that is yours alone to bear.

Music therapy

I never thought I would be singing a Selena Gomez song. But I did. And it’s therapeutic. The lyrics are like a lightning bolt to the heart.

And I swear, I will never cry over you again.

Kapit/Hold

When melancholy hits, it hits hard. It’s just one of those days. Monday blues.

This song has been with me for 7.5 months now.

The beauty of the lyrics in Filipino is lost when I translated into English (the best I could manage)

Hold

In the darkness of the night
I have been searching for the meaning
of the times that have just passed
without any warning, I was just left behind

Eyes that used to twinkle
Are now swollen, used to tears
Is life on earth
supposed be like this?

That’s why
I will tighten my hold on the hands of time
So that it won’t just pass by
I wish I had savored every moment
of when we were younger

It has been days
the rain would not just let up
Couldn’t fathom
if I could get through this

From the mud I force myself
to pick up one by one pieces of my dreams
that shattered like glass at my feet
Does the rainbow really appear?

That’s why
I will tighten my embrace
For I know this will not last;
I wish you will remember me this way

I will tighten my hold on the hands of time
So that I will not get left behind
I only want to take a peek into the past

I will tighten my hold on God
It’s already getting brighter
For dawn is coming
This trial will soon be over

Kapit

Sa gabing kay dilim
Hinahanap ko ang kahulugan ng mga
Panahong lumipas lang
Nang walang pasintabi, ako ay iniwan

Mga matang noon ay
May kislap pa ngayon ay
Mugtong-mugto sanay sa luha
Sadyang ganito nga ba ang
Mabuhay dito sa lupa

Kaya’t
Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa mga kamay ng oras
Nang ‘di ‘to lumipas lang
Sana ay aking sinulit ang panahon na
tayo’y mga bata pa

Ilang araw na rin
Na tuloy-tuloy lang ang ulan
Hindi mawari kung ito ba’y malalagpasan

Pilit sa putik aking pupulutin nang isa-isa
Mga pangarap kong nabasag tila bubog sa paa
Ang bahaghari ba’y nagpapakita lang pagka

Kaya’t
Hihigpitan ko ang yakap sayo’t
Alam ko na hindi ‘to magtatagal
Sana ako’y maalala mo ng ganito

Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa mga kamay ng oras
Nang ‘di na maiwan pa
Nais ko lamang masilip ang nakaraan

Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa Diyos
Maliwanag na rin
Ito na’t parating

Matatapos ang lahat ng pagsubok na ‘to

If only Youtube was accessible then…

My father would have been spending his final days drinking all these concerts. He would have been watching the lost clips of The Beatles, Everly Brothers and Simon and Garfunkel. He would have been discovering NPR Tiny Desk Concerts. He would be watching Sting’s versatility with the guitars and listening to his voice that doesn’t seem to age.

He would have been watching with me live concerts that were inaccessible to us before Youtube came along. Youtube was founded a few months before he died in 2005. Internet speed then was barely 512kbps; the videos would have been forever buffering. That would have pissed him off.

Our love for music came from my father. People always told me that he went around town with a guitar strapped to him. He was part of a “combo”, or in today’s language, a band. One of the reasons why my mother went nuts over him. When we were growing up, we were always surrounded by music. I remember he and my brother made some huge DIY wooden speakers (which looked like the cahon (beatbox used in acoustic performances). They put together our sound system that involved amplifiers, microphones, and cords. Meters and meters of cords. Tape decks. He justified the expense by saying that I kept on joining singing contests that’s why we needed those (LOL!).

One time when we were in high school, at the height of alt-pop rock and grunge, my younger sister learned the guitar. She asked if she could have one. That afternoon my father came home with a guitar on his back. He just needed an excuse to buy himself a new guitar because he smashed the last one we had. All first three children had piano lessons but I was the only one who stuck with it for a couple of years. We three girls played in a rondalla (originally from medieval Spain) in elementary school. My younger sister and I played the 14-string bandurria while my older sister played the guitar. I can also play the 12-string octavina. Playing those were brutal on my fingers that I had very thick callouses for years. Tuning these things every time we played was a pain. 14 strings! And almost every other week the number “0” string would snap and I often had to go to the store and stock up. Because of that I learned to string these instruments. I can string a guitar! I also learned how to tune strings by ear without those electronic devices that most people use nowadays.

So when my girls picked up the ukelele, it was easy for me to learn it (in just one night) and I know how tune it (hello Youtube!).

I was always at the piano when I still lived there. My neighbors suffered whenever I learned a piece by oido (Spanish for “by ear”) because I would repeat and repeat the song until I got it right. I have little patience for learning a song by reading notes because published transcriptions came too late and I wanted to learn the latest song that caught my ear as soon as possible. Learning the power chords was invaluable. I have yet to master the diminished and augmented chords but I no longer have the time and patience.

When I left my parents’ home, I lost my access to a piano. It was only in 2016-ish i was able to buy myself a Roland keyboard as I promised myself I would. Now my problem is timing because I have neighbors and I have to be conscious of their working/waking hours…

I wish Youtube existed then for my father. He would have been like me now, drowning in concerts.


We weren’t able to ride our bikes yesterday because it rained hard but we were back on the saddle this late afternoon because I was already unproductive.

Lonely bench. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Stray cats around Vinsons Hall. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Ordering macha and milktea near Bahay ng Alumni. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
We stopped by the Carillon Tower to drink our tea before riding back home. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I won’t be able to bike tomorrow since I would be doing some grocery shopping. My freezer is already empty.