PASH

Pseudoangiomatous Stromal Hyperplasia (PASH). That’s what my cousin had, not cysts. She has been recovering at home for four days now after her surgery. She had them removed because one of them had been growing and it started to hurt. She just removed her binders but it still hurt, she said.

out of order text on persons belly
Photo by Kat Smith on Pexels.com

I think at some point I got it when I was in college or right after college. It was quite a scare because my gynecologist had to refer me to an oncologist just to be sure but her initial findings told me these were lesions caused by hormones. I no longer remember what tests I had because I ejected them from my memory since it was quite a tense episode. The oncologist concurred that the lumps were lesions and were likely to disappear with my menstrual cycle—as my gynecologist had initially told me.

I never had a normal cycle and until now my hormones are often off. I have PCOS and it was already a miracle that I even got pregnant. Ah well, I had to go through hormone therapy just to have my girls. I always tell them that they were chosen because I had to work with my doctor to have them—my way of telling them that I already wanted them even before they came. (So girls, if you are already reading this because I’m already in the great beyond, know the difficulties I had gone through just to have you).

“Women with PCOS are twice as likely as women without the condition to deliver their baby prematurely. They’re also at greater risk for miscarriage, high blood pressure, and gestational diabetes (19).”

Healthline

There you go. Having twins raises the probability of premature birth, but having PCOS almost made it a certainty. I bled twice while I was pregnant and I had to work from home eventually at 5 mos because my doctor said I will lose the twins if I didn’t stop traveling. I had to take a pill to keep the girls and stop bleeding. She even told me to not climb the stairs. But what can I do? My ex-husband was cruel; he didn’t want to help with the chores to the point we had a fight and he threatened to leave the house. We didn’t have a maid at that time and imagine this: I was heavily pregnant and I was still mopping the floor. I decided to go home to my mom and spend the last trimester with her so I will be well fed (and didn’t have to order fastfood because I was too tired to cook), I didn’t have to clean, and I would be nearer the hospital and my OB.

Anyway, fast-forward, even if my sex life had been a desert after having the girls and after J lost interest in me 6 mos before we broke up, I still had to take birth control pills because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have my period for six months or more. That happened when I was in high school and college and that time when I finally had my period after several months without having any, my body was racked with pain that I had to be confined to my bed. I bled like a pig while I was curled up and cried myself to sleep because 500mg of mefanemic acid sometimes couldn’t relieve the pain. After getting pregnant and giving birth, my dysmenorrhea became tolerable but hormonal changes are still wild that’s why I always felt sick (my headaches were enough to crack my skull) during my periods.

That’s why I have high tolerance for pain. All my life I had been in pain physically and emotionally.

Another reason why I couldn’t lose weight is because of insulin resistance due to PCOS. It doesn’t help that diabetes runs in the family.

Hence, I must continue with my workouts even if my body doesn’t want to cooperate.

The 1.5 min planking caused my heart rate to spike.
Bought new moisture-wicking shirts for my walks/indoor workouts. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

When we were in Tiendesitas yesterday, we stopped by Decathlon to buy myself a new pair of dumb bells and moisture-wicking shirts. To motivate me to continue with my workouts. I can’t stop now—once I have diabetes, my days are numbered.

My 15th year attending this event

16 years covering the business beat. 15 years attending this event at the central bank and chasing all these CEOs, bankers, company owners, conglomerate owners…

Driving to the central bank this afternoon.

I could feel age catching up with me. I could no longer chase them as I used to. I used to target everybody but this time I only talked to the familar and dear ones.

Every year I also receive collectors’ items from the central bank. Only a few of us are given these. Back in 2006, I had one entire mat of uncut 20-peso bill signed by former central bank governors. Sadly, one of them passed only a few months or a year after he signed it.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
See-through bill. Can’t remember if it was the SGD 100 bill was similar to this. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

They also gave us some prints from the BSP art collection. I can have these framed for my tiny house.

An Arturo Luz print. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
A Juan Senson print. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m tired. I gave four reporters a ride home tonight and dropped them at their doorsteps in different parts of QC.

Bracing for super typhoon

Cooked this from scratch before we lose power tonight. Then we will resort to time-saving, ready to cook marinated stuff I bought from Monterey today when shit hits the fan.

Meatballs in gravy. Secret ingredient: lots of nutmeg. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Apprently, I haven’t been reading the weather maps well. Typhoon Karding hasn’t made landfall yet.

PAGASA and JWC had upgraded Typhoon Karding into a super typhoon after it crossed the Philippine Sea—notorious for its warm waters—that fueled its strength before landfall. It is yet to cross Metro Manila now at 2 pm but the periphery of the typhoon is already felt with the deceptively calm rain we are experiencing now.

If Signal #4 is already raised here, then Karding is about as strong as Typhoon Glenda or Milenyo, two typhoons that knocked out power in Metro Manila for at least a week. Milenyo was in 2006 when I experienced walking from the Department of Finance to my newspaper’s office because there were no public utility vehicles. There was no power anywhere and as a reporter, I still needed to file my stories whatever the circumstances. The bigger the catastrophe, the more we must work and be on the ground.

Then the unlearned still brand us as paid hacks and useless 😑

Glenda was in 2014, when the girls were still babies. That was challenging. Right after Glenda passed, Metro Manila was freaking hot and humid—a guarantee that would send babies crying at night because it was so uncomfortable. We had to go to Araneta Center to charge our gadgets, in my case my laptop, and have some air-conditioning. Power was out for more than a week and I still had to file stories.

Twin I helping me shop for supplies. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Twin I and I went out for our supplies run before Typhoon Karding hits us. Right now it is taking its time ravaging Quezon Province. 😔

Back to making curtains. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’ve also brought out my hobbies that won’t require power, like sewing curtains and sketching/painting.

I’m writing about these things so when I’m already gone, my girls will know what to do upon reading blog entries such as this.

Also posting this link to an IG reel that hit me hard. This is for my girls as well. If they feel like they are being treated like a human appliance, they should pack up and leave. They shouldn’t sink to my level; I who groveled at the feet of men who treated me badly.

So my children, if you’re reading this now that I’ve gone to the great beyond, then remember this: be always prepared before a calamity. It doesn’t hurt to be extra vigilant. If the typhoon passes without destroying Metro Manila, it’s good. Do not treat your prep work as wasted effort.

Second point: do not stay in a relationship because you are expected to. Once your partner treats you like a maid or human appliance, LEAVE! You don’t deserve to be treated like that.

That’s why I think I will end up as a cat lady. It’s only my cats who love me like this. Sushi slept on my pillows all day. We slept together this afternoon and this evening she’s at the foot of my bed, still sleeping. She doesn’t let me out of her sight. ❤️

Far from being chill Friday

Chamomile tea to calm my frayed nerves. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I edited a lot of stories today 😩 which left me mentally exhausted. I promised myself that I would walk 8k today but the weather had other plans.

It rained. 😑

But I needed to burn some calories or else I will become as big as a house again. Indoor workout again.

I need to shrink my arms and my pregnant-looking tummy.

I’m also cutting down on carbs. It’s hard though. I’m getting hungry at night.

My lovelies. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

If I don’t instill discipline in me, I will become that chonky Kimchi. It was so wrong to introduce her to snacks. Now she demands it in the morning whenever I come down to go to the bathroom. The leash I bought the last time was small so I think I need to buy the dog body leash for Kimchi and the normal cat body leash for Sushi. We need to train them to walk outdoors so they will be ready when we transport them when we move to our new house. Plus Kimchi needed the exercise.

Tomorrow I will have drinks with my journo friend who went on medical leave for three months after the trip to the ER. He didn’t know what was wrong with him when one day his BP shot up and he had to be brought to the ER. Upon arriving there his BP and everything else became normal. He says that his BP has become wild in the past few months… And he hates his job now.

Like zero fucks given to his job.

The last time we talked face to face he has been complaining to me about his direct manager and how he hates doing what he was good at before.

I told him he those are anxiety attacks and I was like that a few years ago. I frequently had palpitations, chest tightening and pain, and strong urge to puke. One time I was driving and I had one of those episodes that I willed my way into driving to the nearest ER. I thought I was having a heart attack. I was cleared when my ECG showed it wasn’t a heart attack; iy was heart burn/GERD. A friend of my sister said I had exhibited anxiety attack symptoms. That’s how bad my situation was when the girls’ dad and I had lived under the same roof but led different lives. When I had taken myself out of the situation, my anxiety attacks stopped.

I need to convince this friend that no job is worth dying for. He has to quit. He has been telling me over and over he wanted to quit and will just put up his own business (he’s loaded anyway). So pep talk is what he needed. I told him last Wednesday when we saw each other in BGC that he doesn’t look good and he looks like he needs to rest for a few months. His colleague (and also my friend) from the same media entity also quit recently and it seemed like he is burned out. He (second friend) told me he is just loafing around and will soon go to Peru to unwind. There must be something wrong with their management now, methinks. Reporters are just getting burned out at the same time. 🤔

It’s a terrible, terrible feeling. I had been in that position before. When stress and anxiety are taking a toll on your health, you should just quit. There’s nothing wrong with quitting. When the current situation is no longer working for you, cut your losses. Stop and reassess your situation, realign your goals if needed. Plan an escape route. After you have figured out what you needed to do and what you wanted to do, then re-engage with the world.

Your mental health is at stake here. This eventually would bleed into your physical health and all aches and pains will become psychosomatic.

As my sister said, quit while you still have your dignity intact. Because if you keep pushing beyond what your mental state can take, you will make a mess of yourself and destroy your reputation in the process.

Save yourself.

I am a living testament of quitting-before-I-fuck-up. So far it turned out pretty well for me.

So now I wonder if we can go to that wine bar we went to…

Cronyism Part 2

This is the reward for cozying up with despots like Duterte and criminal families like the Marcoses. Manuel Villar acquired the franchise of ABS-CBN (after the latter was stripped off it by the demon Duterte) in a midnight deal with the National Telecommunications Commission (NTC) that surprised us all.

The bastards.

Meanwhile, ABS-CBN and PLDT had to call off the x-deal between them (PLDT’s acquisition of a stake in SkyCable and in return ABS-CBN gets to acquire TV5) because of political pressure from the House of Representatives.

This is to make sure there would be no opposition media.

I never thought I would live to see such things happening again.

I was set to attend Center for Media Freedom and Responsibility (CMFR)’s meeting with journalists about “what next?” and how we can maneuver in these dangerous times. However, I was too busy that I forgot about it 😶 Geez.


On the brighter side of life, I was able to cook a dish in my Instant Pot this morning. Chicken curry (using an Ottogi curry mix) for 5 mins only in the Instant Pot. Five minutes. Perfect for very busy homemakers.

Chicken curry on rice. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The potatoes and carrots were soft and easy to eat, as is the chicken. It was lovely to have lunch within minutes of putting all the ingredients.

I’ll just have to check my power consumption since this gadget consumes 1000 watts of power. 🥴🥴🥴


Finally issued a manager’s check to my contractor for the 50% down payment through my mom this morning. Construction materials will be arriving tomorrow and I’m scared and at the same time excited that this is finally happening.

I’m scared because I will be going back home and I’m afraid of shrinking my world again. My hometown is like a nice cocoon that is very comfortable that will also stifle my personal growth.

While I was walking from my apartment to UP yesterday, I felt melancholic that I would soon be leaving the scenes I had been seeing for the last 20 years or so of living here in QC. I felt a tug in my heart when I watched the sunset and the colors that painted the sky. I will be leaving the memories of walking there in the evenings holding hands with someone, as well as the heartaches I had whenever I remembered those times while I was already walking alone. I will be leaving the pain that tore through me when I biked or walked around the campus when I was trying to recover my lost self.

Biking along University Avenue, UP DIliman. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

UP Diliman was home to me, a substitute for my hometown, minus my nosy family. I started graduate school there in 2003 and it has always been my go-to place when I wanted some comfort. It was where I brought my girls when they were still babies until now, to spend the weekend running around the grassy fields because we don’t have enough open spaces here in the city.

I will miss the convenience of having two grocery stores within 100m-200m away from my house and the many restaurants/food kiosks that dot the village. I will miss having Grab delivery just within minutes of me. Lazada and Shopee deliveries are easy because the QC hub is probably just near here.

Suddenly I have an epiphany…

I’m sad because I will be exchanging my freedom for convenience of having family nearby so my girls will grow up in a village, with a male role model (my brother), with cousins, grandma and aunties. They will help keep an eye on them while I’m away. I’m scared that I will be forfeiting a chance to have someone new in my life because my family is nosy.

I’m exchanging my personal growth for what is best for my girls.

Because it’s no longer about me. I want them to have the best childhood and teenage years I could offer them with my meager resources. I want them to have the best education I could afford and manage.

So children, if you’re already reading this when I’m already dead, I hope you realize now that I gave up my life and personal growth for you so you can have the best.

In the open field near UP MassComm. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Booked!

Matabungkay, Batangas. Photo by Matabungkay Beach Hotel.

OK, that’s taken care of. Booked for three days and let’s see if the girls can still attend class online. If not, then so be it. A day’s absence will not hurt. We’ll make the most of this beach trip to Lian, Batangas.

I used to frequent this part of the province as a child. The last time I had been here was when we had an exercise for our Bio 150 and I couldn’t remember what we were doing then. I think it was about biodiversity or something. There was a secluded area of this coast where underwater life was still unspoiled. When my mom was still teaching Bio 150, I used to tag along when I was a kid because I really loved the sea.

While I was doing a loop in UP academic oval this evening, I decided that I probably won’t stay in Anilao for a week. I may just end up holed up here at home or I visit the construction site.

A little sacrifice won’t hurt. By 2023, I would have more financial and physical freedom to travel more frequently as the girls will be nearer extended family who can check on them daily.

If I get to have my ADB conference approved in January, then I will be able to save on airfare for my holiday by extending my stay there. I just need to work my ass off and produce 16 stories again.

If Covid didn’t happen, I would have traveled to Incheon with J in May 2020 (I told him I can bring him as my guest) so he can network with all the big guys there. In Yokohama, I was able to talk to top execs of the big Japanese trading houses like Itochou, Marubeni, Mitsui and was able to get an exclusive story from the president of Hitachi. My Japanese colleagues’ jaws dropped because they said they normally don’t have access to such high profile people, much more have a chat/interview with them. I had been treated to dinner by an executive of JTI. I had chitchats with top bankers in Asia since we sat next to each other during meals.

At the receptions (sponsored by government of Yokohama [dinner 1], ADB [dinner 2] and Japanese government [dinner 3]), I was able to establish ties with some Japanese sources. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to maintain the connections because I became too busy. Nurturing connections like these take a lot of time and effort.

I expect the top execs of the chaebols would be there in Incheon, as well as medium and small enterprises in Korea and some Asian conglomerates. A lot of solid connections for him there since his sector is now one of the top priorities of ADB’s private sector arm.

Well, it’s not meant to be. 🙃 It was good Incheon 2020 meeting didn’t push through because that #$@#$%^&* would still have cheated on me anyway.

Imagine that, he wouldn’t have to pay for his airfare (we would have used my miles) and hotel (my work) and I was able to pull some strings so I could cover the Incheon meeting (even though we have a Seoul bureau) so he can have access to all these. That’s how supportive I was of him.

Ah well I was stupid.

I’m not going to be that stupid again.


Today I grilled some ribs because…why not? Since I am limiting our restaurant jaunts for a bit, I will just splurge on home cooked meals.

Chef’s kiss 👌😘 Photo by CallMeCreation.com

After that late lunch, I went vegetable and fruit shopping because my body is craving for veggies. I need to limit my red meat consumption and carbs if I want to get in shape for my November conferences. I need to fit into an evening dress. 🥴

Shopping at Enrique’s in UP. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I left the car near that area and did my brisk walking to make just one loop.

Wohoo! I missed this. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Only 200 kcal burned. *sigh* It was already getting dark and I needed to bring the car to Cainta to have the final buffing and polishing.

Need to lose weight and get back in shape.

I am taking advantage of this nicer weather. I hope it won’t rain heavily this coming week.

Let me finish the paint job please!!!

Screen shot from NOAA West Pacific Visible Loop.

It looks like it’s going to be clear for the rest of the week (*keeping my fingers crossed* 🤞). It breaks my heart to see this clear satellite view. This would have been the perfect weather to go to Palawan or even Anilao but I can’t go. 😥

Ah well, I’ll just bring my bike to my hometown this weekend when I meet my contractor and then I will go to that secluded place my high school friends posted on IG where they grilled food on their camping stove while waiting for the sun to set over the swamp. ❤