Author Archives: admin

The world is too small

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Sunken Garden, UP Diliman. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My world has gotten smaller and smaller. I barely get out of 5km radius of my home. I only get to see a glimpse of the outside world when I ride my bike, like yesterday. Just to get a glimpse of the sunset. To get out of my head.

January was too long for me. I guess February is the same. I’m a prisoner of this pandemic. I’m a prisoner of my mind as well. I want to escape. I want to be very far away from here.

Fruit shake. A simple treat while I rest before going back home. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The one thing to look forward to in my excursions is this 16 oz fruit shake. My world has been reduced to that.

Next week I want to go on a social media hiatus because everything will have Valentine’s Day ads. Not that I really celebrate it but this time it’s really painful. Two years ago we were in Hong Kong and on V-day we hiked to Victoria Peak to see the sunset. We took the ferry on the way to Kowloon and it was cold. He was so sweet at that time. Had dinner in some hole-in-the-wall restaurant there in Kowloon and took the last train ride back to Sai Ying Pun.

I’m a prisoner of my mind. I want to get away from here. I want to erase the memories.

My little girl told me, “Mommy, we will be your date on V-day.” Yes, my darling daughters. My heart may have been ripped out of me but you are there to help fill the void. I may even grow a new heart because of you, my angels.

Just keep swimming

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As Dory the Blue Tang in Finding Nemo said, you just keep swimming. When shit hits the fan, just keep swimming. When the sky collapses on you, just keep swimming. Because you need to live. Because the world will not stop.

So to keep me from dwelling on the past, I just have to keep busy. Use my hands, occupy my brain, prevent myself from thinking.

Growing food from food scraps and seedlings. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I revived my derelict container garden that is growing vegetables from food scraps and seedlings.

Growing lettuce seedlings. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I had been recycling egg crates, Coke bottles, and milk cartons to grow vegetables. Because they require more work, I embraced recycling to the hilt. To keep me occupied.

My sad bird of paradise. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I neglected this bird of paradise the past month–because you know, I was hardly a nurturing creature that time. Good thing it didn’t completely die. Just half of its leaves dried out; good thing there’s a new leaf bud there and the sucker below isn’t completely dead and hollowed out.

Breakfast. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I still get to cook on weekends. Weekday is just packed and I don’t have the strength to do it since I try to bike to UP every other day. Need to keep fit and lose weight. A lot of weight. To prove to the world I am so worth it and he is a fucking idiot. I may no longer be young but I am still so worth it.

So I just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. I need to drown out memories.

Bittersweet

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National Science Complex, UP Diliman. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This is the first time I’ve been here for months. We used to have our daily walks here during the lockdown. Most of the time it was just the two of us here. We walked around past Math, Chem (where we rescued the cats), around the observatory. We used to see sheep roaming around and sometimes when we passed by them, we could smell the stench of those animals.

Another angle. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It was at this same hour we would be having those walks. To have a bit of “fresh” air. We used to watch the birds flit from branches. There were colorful birds that hopped on the grass, enjoying the absence of humans. Dogs past Math used to bark at us savagely. We still used to hold hands then… Before everything went south. Or was he pretending then because he didn’t have a choice since he was stuck because of the lockdown?

And if I would erase memories, I would be conflicted about erasing those memories here in Science Complex. Just like Joel in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, he suddenly didn’t want those memories erased. But the process has begun to wipe out Clementine.

How do we live with memories? I don’t know… I have this uncanny ability of wiping out memories. I have done it many times, especially when it hurt so bad. My cousin and my sis-in-law had to remind me of a very important but painful memory that was the biggest warning sign that I shouldn’t have gotten married 13 years ago. It was completely blocked out of my mind; I had no recollection of it but they told it was real and that it happened.

In the movie Eternal Sunshine, the one doing the erasing is a laboratory. In real life, I am the Lacuna Inc, I can do it on my own. The question is, do I want everything wiped out?

Erasing memories

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Studies about memories suggest that false memories can be implanted. What I am doing right now is I’m doing the reverse. I am erasing memories, especially the painful ones, by supplanting it with new ones until the original memory fades away.

Marikina River park. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The last time I was at the Marikina River Park was so painful. He wanted to bike and I served as a chauffer. During the entire time, he didn’t want to talk to me, hold my hand or anything. He just wanted to ride his bike, be over and done with it. I felt so abandoned and lonely. I was confused why I felt that way.

Then later that night in his condo, while I was cleaning, he was testy, like he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. I asked him why was he treating me that way. He probably felt guilty so he tried to console me. But it was hollow. Driving home, I felt really sad and lonely. I knew something was really wrong. Later that week we broke up.

Marikina River Park. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I am now erasing that memory of Marikina River Park. It was just too painful. Like I didn’t amount to anything.

I will supplant it with memories of me and my girls. Today we just went there to do just that.

If only I could do that to every painful memory I have of him. Which was quite a lot.

Come to think of it, it’s quite unfair that I get to suffer like this while he is happy and free when I was the one who sacrificed the world for us. For him.

I wish I could do an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and just erase memories. To the point that he never existed. To spare me of this anger and pain. I hope I won’t be like Joel in the movie, who fought to keep the memories and the pain rather than lose them while the erasing process was being done.

Maybe it’s better to have memories of having loved but in pain than not have loved at all? I don’t know. Come back to me in 10 years and ask me that again.

Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Contradictions

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My cousin told me one time that among the sisters, I was the one whom she expected to get married, have children, and be domesticated. It’s because when we were growing up, I was the one who was exhibiting homemaking skills and had all things sorted out. Another cousin said that if he were to be stranded at home because of some natural disaster, he would rather be stuck with me than my two sisters because he knew he would survive because I can cook and know my way around the house.

This sounds like I am a very stable and homey person. However, I am also the one who is always courting danger, who will never be content with a desk job. If I didn’t have children, I now would have been jumping off planes, covering wars, trekking to Kilimanjaro for a story.

The domesticated me and the daredevil journalist me are pretty much a contradiction. I’m still figuring it out how they were able to co-exist and how can I satisfy the other one without killing the other one.

Today, the domesticated animal that I am, made the usual Saturday morning fare: brunch bento box. Just because.

Brunch for today. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Since I was feeling extra domesticated, I varnished my coffee table which has been abused by my girls and cats. It has sustained so much wear in less than 3 years. Now it looks new.

New look for my coffee table after varnishing it. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I still had a lot of varnish left that I proceeded to varnish again my bedroom floor.

Varnished again my bedroom floor because I don’t have anything else to do. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

But I ran out of varnish so I couldn’t complete my entire bedroom. Oh well, I need to buy a can of paint anyway so might as well add varnish to my shopping list. I need to paint my walls in the living room, dining area and bathroom…

Oh quarantine, oh quarantine! I should have been planning my Myanmar and Japan trip now but I am just reduced to planning my DIY store shopping 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes, I am talking about mundane stuff because I don’t want to think about the giant elephant in the room. And yes, it still hurts, I am still angry, and fuck you!

There, that’s better.

I’ve become a boring person

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My cat vs printer. Video by CallMeCreation.com

What to do on a Friday night during quarantine, when cases are climbing fast and no vaccination program yet? Watch cats. Specifically, watch cats watch a printer printing and wait for it to spew out paper then kill the paper.

I’ve been printing vintage images to stick on my journal. Because after an 8-hr day of writing and editing, I still do more writing to decompress 🤦🏻‍♀️

My decorated journal. Because I don’t have anything else to do. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

21 years ago, you wouldn’t catch me sober on a weekend night. Now all I want is a nice fluffy bed and a good book.or movie.

If I’m feeling social, I will have a glass of wine or two at Barcino or some wine bar in Makati with friends. Because pre-Covid, driving home on a Friday night is torture as you get stuck on EDSA.

Tomorrow, I cook, clean, garden a little then buy veggies from UP. I’ll coax the girls to come with me to Binangonan for some mountain views and fresh air. If not, then…🤷🏻‍♀️