Author Archives: admin

To still the violent seas

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Oyakudon. Photo by Callmecreation.com

My insides are like the roiling seas during a violent storm. I needed to calm it before I explode.

To do that, I needed to revisit what I used to do to reach a zen-like state. So I returned to cooking.

I had abandoned it temporarily because cooking had hurt. I used to do that a lot for him, testing new recipes, learning dishes from his native country. I quit all that. Because I believed that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and love can be felt in the food that has been cooked with it. I used to accompany him while he ate, because that’s how you serve food with love, especially after a long hard day at work. Talk about how the day went, talk about politics, about ideas, about the future.

I cooked oyakudon again yesterday as I suddenly craved for something Japanese. Doing so gave me some kind of peace and purpose at the same time. To nourish my body and soul and that of my children.

To inspire me with beauty and stillness of home cooking and homemaking, I had been watching Girl in Calico and The Cottage Fairy on Youtube daily.

There is beauty somewhere even in the darkest night.

One day

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Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me (2 Corinthians 12:8-9)

One day I will find it in my heart to forgive myself. I need to be kind to myself. I was told that after I have forgiven myself, I would be able to to forgive him.

It’s really not healthy to be harboring this anger, the kind that even the heavens could not tolerate. It’s eating me up alive.

This anger is fueled by the past that I should have let go that day he left. But you know, the heart is stubborn; it clings to things that make it feel alive. It does not understand, especially when its eyes are clouded. What I should tell my heart is: what is done is done. You cannot change the fact that he used you and ditched you after your usefulness has expired. You cannot do anything about it, you cannot control the past but you can control your actions to avoid that in the future.

I’m still very angry. Heaven knows how angry I am and I don’t think I’m near boiling point yet. I think there will be some trigger some time in the near future that would me make boil over. I want to get back at him. I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me or probably more. But where will it get me? Will I get my peace? Will it make me move on quicker?

One day I will become indifferent. I long for the day that I will become indifferent towards him. Hopefully it’s just around the corner.

Plod along

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Sunken Garden viewed from School of Economics. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I biked the other day from the house to UP and around UP then came back home. I wanted to stay here longer to listen to music while I catch my breath. But no, UP Police is guarding the entire academic oval, making sure people don’t linger. The UP admin’s reason for closing the oval was that COVID-19 cases are rising so they’re getting people off the campus for two weeks.

Photo by Callmecreation.com

They still kept College of Science closed. Well, understandable since the Philippine Genome Center is there.

This is the first time I’ve been here without him. Well, as my friend said, there will be a lot of firsts like this in the coming days…until I stop noticing.

A colleague told me to have a completely new hobby. “Time and energy are best spent on yourself and your girls and not something unworthy.”

He is unworthy. Better spend the effort of harboring this anger into something more productive.

Once you pop, you can’t stop

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Decathlon bike section. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

So I bought a bike. Then bought extras. This disease afflicts all new bikers, even the occasional biker like myself. Problem is I bought one accessory that doesn’t fit my folding bike so I have to go back to Decathlon to return it.

Now that I no longer have a mountain bike to hitch at the back of my car, I can finally have the interior cleaned. 🎉

I didn’t fully fold my bike but it can be smaller so it can be carried in trains or in condos. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My triathlete friend said that bikes ruin the interior of your car. She and her husband (who’s a professional triathlon coach) prioritize the bikes over the car so our cars’ interiors share the same look. Madungis. 😁 They don’t want their bikes exposed to elements when traveling because the bikes are as expensive as second hand cars.

I brought along my bike yesterday when I transported his mountain bike to my hometown to deliver it to my nephew. I thought I could go around the campus but I arrived there at noon 😓 So freaking hot so I decided against it. I thought I could take advantage of the open spaces and traffic-less campus 😔 As my triathlete friend said, this is the disadvantage of living in Metro Manila: you need to have a car to transport your bike to a place that is more bike-friendly. Which is ironic 🤦🏻‍♀️ and moronic. Unlike in my hometown where it’s ridiculous to even bring your car to run errands like buying from a store outside the campus because 1) everything is so near; 2) no parking space. A bicycle or a motorbike is the way to go.

Metro Manila is a deathtrap for bikers.

That said, Singapore is supposedly ideal for bikes as main mode of transport but I seldom see people bike to work, unlike in Japan and Taiwan. I only saw a white dude in a suit riding a Segway. Which is a shame. If I transfer to Singapore, I will have a bike with me. I loved the mama-chari bikes in Japan so I rented one for a day when I was in Hitachi.

This new hobby sometimes make me forget him. However, biking is almost synonymous with him since I always drove him to places where he could bike around. Yup, I was a glorified chauffer. It was all that I meant to him.

F*ck you

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I wish I can say this to you right now. I wish you can feel my angst. It’s what keeps me alive these days. Otherwise I would have fallen apart.

F*ck you.

That feels so much better.