Author Archives: admin

Kapit/Hold

Posted on by

When melancholy hits, it hits hard. It’s just one of those days. Monday blues.

This song has been with me for 7.5 months now.

The beauty of the lyrics in Filipino is lost when I translated into English (the best I could manage)

Hold

In the darkness of the night
I have been searching for the meaning
of the times that have just passed
without any warning, I was just left behind

Eyes that used to twinkle
Are now swollen, used to tears
Is life on earth
supposed be like this?

That’s why
I will tighten my hold on the hands of time
So that it won’t just pass by
I wish I had savored every moment
of when we were younger

It has been days
the rain would not just let up
Couldn’t fathom
if I could get through this

From the mud I force myself
to pick up one by one pieces of my dreams
that shattered like glass at my feet
Does the rainbow really appear?

That’s why
I will tighten my embrace
For I know this will not last;
I wish you will remember me this way

I will tighten my hold on the hands of time
So that I will not get left behind
I only want to take a peek into the past

I will tighten my hold on God
It’s already getting brighter
For dawn is coming
This trial will soon be over

Kapit

Sa gabing kay dilim
Hinahanap ko ang kahulugan ng mga
Panahong lumipas lang
Nang walang pasintabi, ako ay iniwan

Mga matang noon ay
May kislap pa ngayon ay
Mugtong-mugto sanay sa luha
Sadyang ganito nga ba ang
Mabuhay dito sa lupa

Kaya’t
Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa mga kamay ng oras
Nang ‘di ‘to lumipas lang
Sana ay aking sinulit ang panahon na
tayo’y mga bata pa

Ilang araw na rin
Na tuloy-tuloy lang ang ulan
Hindi mawari kung ito ba’y malalagpasan

Pilit sa putik aking pupulutin nang isa-isa
Mga pangarap kong nabasag tila bubog sa paa
Ang bahaghari ba’y nagpapakita lang pagka

Kaya’t
Hihigpitan ko ang yakap sayo’t
Alam ko na hindi ‘to magtatagal
Sana ako’y maalala mo ng ganito

Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa mga kamay ng oras
Nang ‘di na maiwan pa
Nais ko lamang masilip ang nakaraan

Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa Diyos
Maliwanag na rin
Ito na’t parating
Matatapos ang lahat ng pagsubok na ‘to

(Tropical) Depression

Posted on by
Three tropical depressions.

So the rains just took a little breather this weekend but it seems like more will come in the next few days as we see we have three tropical depressions forming north and northeast. They look like they will be typhoons heading to Japan later this week, which may pull more southwest monsoon rains for us in Luzon and in Taiwan. Monsoon + lockdown = cabin fever.

Or extended lockdowns = joblessness/hunger. I need to keep my coffers available again for the community pantry.

Which spells trouble for us economically. As my economist brother posted on social media:

The purpose of the quarantine is to delay the surge so that the system, specifically the health care system can prepare itself. The question is, does the system have the resources it needs to prepare/recalibrate/upgrade? Can we expect additional health workers? Do we have enough vaccines for the planned intensified vaccination program? Have these vaccines been distributed or are they ready for distribution? Have we taken stock of the capability of our LGUs to vaccinate or intensify the vaccination drive? I HOPE THESE WERE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION BEFORE LAGUNA WAS PUT UNDER MECQ. REMEMBER QUARANTINE DOES NOT KILL THE VIRUS. BUT IT KILLS THE LOCAL ECONOMY AND THE LIVELIHOOD OF OUR PEOPLE.

Because this freaking government does not have any concrete plans at all. we’re 1.5 years into this crisis and yet we still don’t have plans. The healthcare sector is completely exhausted. There are no more nurses; hospitals are understaffed. Doctors are tired.

People are sinking into anxiety, anger, and/or depression because of this never-ending lockdowns while other countries with high vaccination rates are returning to normal. They’re opening Lion King on Broadway, while we scramble to get our shit together before we hunker down again and wait for another disaster.

So Filipinos are distracting themselves with the Olympics, with the stellar performances of our athletes, despite all odds. They’re serving as beacons in the dark days ahead.

Our boxer, Eumir Marcial just knocked out his opponent today, assuring him of at least a bronze medal. He’s up for silver in the next bout.

A genuine display of sportsmanship! 🥊 Philippines’ Eumir Marcial and Armenia’s Arman Darchinyan hug after the men’s boxing middleweight division at the #Tokyo2020#Olympics. 🙌 Read more: bit.ly/3ygA204. (📸: Luis Robayo/AFP)

Meanwhile, another woman in a “masculine” sport is gunning for gold. Nesthy Petecio will be facing off with her Japanese opponent in the finals. As Manny Pacquiao has proven, the Philippines is one country to beat in boxing.

Meanwhile, EJ Obiena is also up for gold in pole vaulting. These guys are so inspired now that they saw how Filipinos celebrated Margielyn Didal and Hidilyn Diaz the past few days.

Hoping for three golds. So at least my countrymen would have something to smile about in the coming days.

This reddit post has made the rounds on social media because of its universality among Filipinos. This is one of the most annoying attitudes I have encountered among those Filipinos who just happened to have stepped on foreign soil. I related to J this situation when he told me of his encounters with at least two Filipinos here in the Philippines who have distanced themselves from Philippines-based Filipinos and elevated themselves as superior to those who stayed here. One insisted he is a Singaporean (even if he’s really a Filipino) and he is just “forced” to be here because his company assigned him here because, well, he is Filipino! While the other one is a Fil-Am who grew up in the US and kept on insisting he is American and he disdains being identified as Filipino during his conversation with J.

As I told J, some of us chose to stay here because we can. Our families have means to stay here, meaning our parents didn’t have to go abroad to give us decent lives. Some of us stayed to help the country because if all the skilled manpower and the intelligentsia left, who would be there to help the oppressed and the voiceless build the country? Brain drain devastates a country. This is the primary reason why none in my immediate family left the country, even if we’re going to be a cesspit come 2022 elections.

And yet we get flak from those who just happened to have a whiff of foreign air. I have heard from my classmates, my sister (who tried to live in the US for a while) and other relatives and ex-in-laws stories about the Filipino communities in the US, the primary preoccupation of their members is to one-up each other. The reddit thread in the above post also talked about that toxic environment among Filipinos that some of them have all together avoided Filipinos or left the US to live back here. One high school classmate of mine told me about the toxic community she was forced to live with for a time when she was pursuing her master’s degree in the US. It was so toxic that she avoided all Filipinos within the state.

Third-world attitude in first-world country.

The week that was

Posted on by

Too many things happened the past week that I wasn’t able to write my thoughts about Hidilyn Diaz and Margielyn Didal making waves a the Tokyo 2020 Olympics.

Margielyn Didal of the Philippines in action at Tokyo Olympics 2020’s women street skateboarding finals at the Ariake Urban Sports Park, Tokyo, Japan on July 26, 2021. (Reuters/Toby Melville)

Margielyn was just a beautiful ray of sunshine in this dark, dark world. The Brazilians love her (and I’ve been seeing their tweets). She was just happy to be there competing and being friends with her competitors.

Meanwhile, that day was one of those days you just want to shut down and ignore the State of the Nation Address of Duterte. He was rambling for three hours, being his usual incoherent, unintelligible self. He even would not exert effort to read his prepared speech well. Then he would segue into one of his stream of consciousness that don’t make sense. When I caught him on TV (a rare moment that I watched TV, by accident), he was invoking China several times that I had hurled a string of invectives at the screen.

The irony later that day was that a woman–which Duterte looks lowly upon–earned the first gold medal for this country in a sport that as seen as masculine. And crushed China. How poetic.

This administration even demonized her when she asked on social media for private sector sponsorship for her bid in the Olympics because government support was not there. Then the DDS crucified her: how dare she challenge the government, the oh so benevolent Duterte! Then she was included by then-Presidential Spokesperson Panelo in the fictional matrix of destabilizers. Which the DDS trolls magnified and made Hidilyn fear for her life.

It gave me goosebumps. Kudos to you, Sgt. Diaz.

I had stayed with my cousin for three days and made sure her mom is stable before I went back home to attend to my household and work. My other cousin (the older one) finally arrived and they were able to make more arrangements in case my aunt turns for the worse. They were able to arrange for a priest administer the Anointment of the Sick (last rites) via video call (IATF protocol says no personal visits yet allowed? Or is this a parish decree? I don’t know) and funeral arrangement when the time comes.

Unfortunately, we will be going on a hard lockdown again a.k.a. enhanced community quarantine (ECQ) on August 6-20 so I don’t know how I would be able to go to my aunt when she…I was already assigned by my family as the first responder.

Speaking of lockdown, I did a lot of errands yesterday and today before everything shuts down. I contacted a plumber who charged me PHP 4,000 for changing faucets. And I had to redo all his work today because he did a bad job.

But it was a learning experience for me. I finally was able to do simple plumbing work like changing faucets.

Now that I know how to apply grout, I can chip away that dingy grout and apply a fresh one. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I had to change this as well because the whole pipe assembly leading to the shower was leaking. The reason why water is not bursting outside the walls is because the broken joint or whatever was being held together by cement. But it’s just as matter of time eventually the thing will give way and I would have a huge problem. We changed the original separate faucet and shower setup to a dual faucet shower installation so we don’t have to open up the concrete walls to install new pipes. This is cheaper and easier.

Unfortunately, the one we installed yesterday was a lemon despite the its hefty price tag. I had it exchanged for a better one and installed this one myself.

I changed faucets! Achievement unlocked.

The rains won’t stop. No chance to ride the bike before ECQ. *Sigh*. So I need to buy that can of paint so I can finally refresh my closets and doors’ paint because Kimchi loooooooooved scratching that corner of my closet. I need to find something to do indoors. The rains would not stop. Soon the strong typhoons would come after August or September.

Looks like a typhoon forming northeast that sucks the southwest monsoon. The dark rain clouds over Luzon have dissipated a bit though.

When the time is near

Posted on by
O2 regulator. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I went on leave yesterday to help my cousin, who is like my third sister, with–how do I term it? Her mom’s long goodbye? My cousin is not functioning well so I needed to be the one doing the rational thinking and the legwork because she couldn’t think straight. One thing is, she couldn’t let go. It hasn’t sunk in yet.

I told her the best option now is palliative care at home and make her mom comfortable. So I told her there’s no point in prolonging the stay in the hospital and we have to bring her mom home. We just need to set up a mini hospital there.

Which was not easy.

At a time of rising covid cases, looking for oxygen regulators is such an endeavor. I was told that Mercury is out of stock of O2 regulators because their supplier doesn’t have any left. I had searched for alternatives to Bambang, Sta. Cruz, Manila–the hub for mom-and-pop medical suppliers. Because I don’t wanna go there when it’s flooding all over the metro. Long-story short, I was able to buy an O2 regulator by going straight to the supplier’s house somewhere in Quezon City.

Now, the oxygen supply is another thing. I didn’t know that oxygen suppliers close early. Like 4 pm. And all I had with me was a 20-lb oxygen tank which I was told can last us the night. Wrong. It was only good for max of 6 freaking hours if the gauge was set up at 5! So I had to call people and begged to buy 50-lb tanks. One good-hearted guy took pity on me when I was almost crying and told him our oxygen will not last us the night and that my aunt was dying. So he relented and told his men to go to the factory and wait for us there so we can get 2 tanks, each one would only last probably 10 hrs or so. Each costs PHP7,000, just for the tank rental. The oxygen refill is another matter. We’ll just cross the bridge later today how to deal with supplies.

I had a long day and I still can’t sleep because of adrenalin. Driving around searching for medical supplies that are already dwindling. Hospitals that can increasingly cannot accommodate non-covid patients. Patients arriving at the ER, suddenly collapsing on the floor and dying.

I hoped to never use the PPE I had at home but unfortunately yesterday I had to.

Because my immediate concern was to get as much cash I could the quickest way possible to bring to the hospital, I totally forgot to buy surgical masks because we don’t stock up on it that much at home. So even if I have my PPE overalls, I was only wearing two cloth masks. I just hope I am not contracting anything.

So how do you tell a loved one that their whole world was dying?

You don’t.

My cousin dedicated much of her adult life taking care of her mom and could not bring herself do the paperwork for DNR. I didn’t point out to her that her mom’s heart already stopped twice, which may have already cut off the blood to her brain. And Lord knows what that could do. It still doesn’t sink in.

I just told her, we need to bring her home now. We will be running the hospital bill needlessly. That finally convinced her to ask the doctors if we can take my aunt home.

I’m still here in their house because anything can happen at any time. And she would be totally useless, which she already acknowledged she will be when the inevitable happens. I will be the one calling for the doctor’s medical certificate that will declare the probable cause, calling the funeral parlor or memorial service, arranging the filing of declaration to whatever government entities, calling relatives, arranging household concerns. Logistical issues. Like what I did when my father died. No one was functioning well enough to do those practical things.

Because I know how it is to die when grief kills you. You’re just blank.

I didn’t eat during the first few days after the break-up and after my dad died. It was only ice cream that sustained me because it was full of sugar, enough to fuel my cells, and it was the only thing that is a pleasure to eat because everything else tasted like paper. As I said in a blog entry after my dad died (and after my break-up with J) that every moment at that time was like floating in memories that were played back like a movie. And it doesn’t stop. It just goes on and on and on. The pain is excruciating that you want to just inflict physical pain onto yourself to take the edge off the emotional pain.

That’s how I know my cousin will not have human strength when death comes.

Future-proofing against Windows 11

Posted on by

Ooh yeah so I needed to upgrade some hardware to be able to cope with Windows 11, which would f*ck me up when I shift to it. Because company IT may ask us to do it sooner or later since support for Win 10 will end 4 years from now. And our entire system is unfriendly to non-Microsoft users. Integration with my Android phone is pretty bad, but it’s worse with Mac OS and iPhone. Linux? Don’t get me started.

Ewwww. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I opened up the Acer gaming laptop I hijacked from J and cleaned its guts. Look at that exhaust fan. Ugh. I used a thin but stiff paintbrush to clean it and all the vents. I used my vacuum cleaner (good thing I bought a rechargeable one and ditched my old clunky one) to clean the rest of my laptop-turned-desktop’s innards.

Then I checked the RAM slot if I can still add. It currently has 8GB, which is decent for Windows 10.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I still can, so I ordered another 8GB DDR3, 1600 Mhz SODIMM RAM stick fron Lazada and I think by next week I can already plug it in that second slot.

The laptop runs on Core i5 5th gen (we’re already on the 11th gen; my new laptop is 10th gen) but I think it will still be all right. When Microsoft says min specs should be 4GB, that means you have to have 8GB of RAM for your computer to be serviceable, 16GB for it to be comfortable. I remember they said minimum for Windows 8.1 was 2GB and my hybrid tablet only had that and was running on Intel Atom. It was killing me. I had to run Outlook on it and MS Teams and it was freezing. All. The. Time. I only bought that thing as a backup to my Asus when I worked in Japan for two weeks in 2017. Which was wise of me because my Asus became temperamental during the most critical time.

Anyway, I spent majority of my Sunday (yesterday) poking into laptops. I just installed a fresh copy of Ubuntu in another laptop that my househelp uses for her online school.

Then the rest of yesterday was spent on revenge shopping. So don’t ask me how I ended up buying a new area rug and new pillows. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I only intended to buy a gas regulator for my LPG tank.

At least now the bigger rug will not roll and unroll and get displaced all the time because the wheels would no longer catch the edge of the rug. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Speaking of which, I thought it was my regulator that’s problematic. It turns out it’s my stove! It’s a Rinnai stove, by that Japanese MNC whose gas stoves are so ubiquitous in Japan. But then that stove suffered so much abuse that it’s about time that I retire it.

I am now eyeing this model that is common in Japanese kitchens, the one with an oven to cook fish and a grill on top.

I no longer have to grill skewered meat outside. Or yakitori. Or dried squid. But then no one is eating dried squid here anymore… So dried fish is it then; I could shred and make an olive oil-based pasta dish.