I just got off the kitchen literally a few minutes ago. I had sauteed pork cubes for menudo and chucked it in the slow cooker with the tomato sauce mix, fish sauce, chopped tomatoes, bell peppers, snow peas, carrots, and potatoes. Cooking it for at least 8 hours.

That’s food prepared with love for my small family. In the morning they will wake up to the smell of menudo wafting through the air. They will bite into a melt-in-your-mouth meat poured over piping hot white rice.

That’s love.

Because nothing beats a home cooked meal prepared for hours.

---

I finally—FINALLY—I chipped through my huge to-do list. I was able to finish my car registration for 2023. And finally, I didn’t have to process it for a week, like last year. It only took me an hour today.

My rants on TV and Twitter last year had made an impact. LTO got its shit together. Doing renewals at the extension office instead of at the Main is wiser since the crowd thins out past 2 pm in the former.

Also helped push out two stories today. I’m so done for the month of January—the longest month of the year. It felt like this month went on and on forever and I had to deal with anxiety over so many things, a big chunk of that is my staffing problems. Although I did get CVs and I will be interviewing two candidates on Friday, I need to get more candidates because don’t just want to hire people because I didn’t have a choice. I need to work my butt off this week and gather more candidates.

Then the other nitty-gritty admin work and other stuff that managers do, like weekly calls with the commercial team, then calls with the bosses from the other side of the globe who suddenly flew to HK and decided, hey, we need to have this call. So I would be up to my neck with calls tomorrow until the evening.

Set up interviews for my stories. Then writing my pending articles before they go stale.

Then I had to ferry my children and their friends to UP Diliman for their picnic tomorrow afternoon.

That’s just all for Wednesday (today).

And Thursday I need to drive to my hometown to apply for a water connection to my house and I have no choice but to work from there and have a pre-interview call with a Singapore company.

OK, breathe.

Breathe.

I don’t have time for myself.

I think I need to work in Makati and meet friends next week. While I love that I no longer have to battle the horrendous traffic everyday, the isolation from the hum of business is driving me mad. I told my fairy gaymother, K, that we need to have dinner with our friends as I would be giving away bookmarks.

He said, why don’t you sell them?

Are you insane?! I’m not good and there are amazing artists on Instagram and Etsy doing just that. I feel like a scammer next to them, I told him.

I need to draw everyday to improve but I barely have time for that.

---

A friend just sent me this through FB Messenger a few hours ago:

Flowers (Miley Cyrus)

I told her, it’s a struggle and it requires a steep learning curve. I’ve been working at this for the past two years. Self-love requires a massive dose of self-confidence as well. As I said a few days ago, the little wins I had can quickly be eroded by insecurity and self-doubt. But hopefully I will be as solid as a rock and won’t have to deal with momentary vulnerability like that.

I just have to teach myself how to be numb and just work on being a superwoman.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Tanner Leatherstein (@tanner.leatherstein)

This was a downer. I mean, if there was a brand that I would be assured of leather quality, it’s Bottega Veneta and Goyard. But apparently, no. It’s just like Louis Vuitton, which is peddling monogrammed PVC as a luxury item. USD 650 or over PHP 35k for a leather-coated plastic wallet—what a scam! I think I’m better off with locally made real leather bags and wallets. My Our Tribe handbag is already nine years old but it is still like new. I just had the zipper changed by their factory outlet but that’s it. I have another bag from this brand that I don’t use because it’s made of real heavy leather. Built like a tank. I wanted it to get destroyed so I have an excuse to buy a new one but I think it will outlast me.

Cheaper brands are better in this regard since the manufacturing cost is closer to the selling price, albeit it’s still 3x the real cost. So far my Kate Spade bags have yet to see any wear and still looks new despite being older than my kids. My Michael Kors bag is already showing wear since I often use it when I go abroad because it’s so roomy!

I couldn’t stomach buying PHP 100k worth of bag. Yes, I’m looking at you, Gucci.

As a I said, I would rather replenish my ETF and VUL that were drained because I am building my house. A Bottega Veneta leather-coated plastic wallet worth PHP 35k will not build me a house.

---

After sleeping away most of my morning, I had to pull myself out of bed and do errands. It was a nice day to be out. Maybe tomorrow if I get off early from work, I should take advantage of the dry but still a bit cooler days.

However, I could already feel the dry and hot days coming sooner than I expected.

I’m still awake because I’m doing this annual maintenance thing:

I’m reseting my Windows OS and reinstalling apps/programs that did not come with this laptop. A bit painful but my PC is already running faster as I was able to get rid of a lot of junk that I may have picked up along the way.

So sleepy…

---

I think I need to see my OB-Gyne. Something is really wrong with me.

Please no. I’m not yet prepared. I hope that it is not what it is.

I just pray that I catch it early.

---

Why do I always torture myself by comparing myself to others? I really go out of my way to bring myself down, don’t I? Every person has her own pace and I can’t use others’ success or way of living as a measuring stick for myself. But then I can’t help it. I guess it’s exacerbated by social media, where everybody “humble brags” about everything and I can’t stomach doing the same thing myself.

But why do I need to do that? Who do I need to impress?

Well, nobody really.

I am now scolding myself for thinking that I’m worthless and that how others treated me in the past shouldn’t be the way I should view myself. Those people are no longer important and shouldn’t be the basis for gaining self-worth. I should just matter to my children, who are my world now and I also mean the world to them.

You do you, as the GenZ kids would say.

I should just strive to be the best I can be and don’t mind the others.

But then it’s easy for me to say that. Damn, this overthinking is killing me.

My back broke. Sort of.

I started the day with good intentions. I cooked brunch for my girls and me and it went downhill from there.

I said to myself I will just get rid of the barrier between me and my messy neighbor so I won’t have to deal with it later when moving time draws near. So I took out the wire shelf where some potted plants resided, the old chair where I used to place mums, and the hanging bar where I had hung plants.

And I bit more what I can chew.

These idiots thought they could just dump trash on my side. I shoved all their rubbish back to them.

I saw little rodents darting in and out of that motorcycle. I had no choice but to clean all the debris that should have been their responsibility.

I also removed the excess pots because the plants they used to hold have died. Most of these were mums/annuals anyway so their lifespan was already spent. I tamed the unruly baccularis and repotted them as they had uncontrollably multiplied. Summer is creeping in so some of my plants will start flowering again.

I did this for several hours. It was literally back-breaking work. After I scrubbed myself clean under a very hot shower, I attempted to climb the stairs by myself. I couldn’t straighten up. I had to hold on to the railing with Twin A assisting me.

I promised them we will have dinner in one of the Vietnamese restaurants around here but—it was already out of the question. I had to order it via Grab because my back is killing me. To ease my frozen back, I booked a two-hour massage from Zennya.

I feel like I’m 80 years old. I’m already in bed by 8 pm. 🫠