Again, I didn’t have the patience to do sketches before watercoloring. I just stayed loose because I’m lazy and I was just going with the flow, with what I’m feeling. I just followed where the water was going.
I wish I could be like that in real life. However, I can’t because I’m in charge of the lives of two people who are completely dependent on me. I have to be organized and responsible so I won’t fuck up their lives and end up therapy. The only time I can be loose and free is when I watercolor like this. Even when I travel, I say “whatever, I’ll just go with whatever I feel like,” but in truth there are a lot of planning involved there. I’m just not rigid.
So this is my last hurrah before I go back to work tomorrow. Put my nose on the grinding stone again. Then pack our little things in between so I can drive these stuff to my house in bits and pieces…
Speaking of my house, my contractor gave me the bill for the construction work for my laundry area and a separate bill for the waterworks i.e. pressure tanks, etc. I hope these are the last of it because anything more than that means I would have to draw down on my moneymarket UITF. 🤦🏻♀️ Good thing I still have enough free cash/retained earnings to tide me by without touching my investments again.
Another bookmark in the works. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
I just got off from Microsoft Teams after chatting with my colleague in Japan for more than an hour about our colleague (L) who just resigned. You see, I held a farewell call for her during our team’s weekly call. Then after that I sent an email to APAC editorial mailing list about the Kudoboard for her, announcing her resignation.
Anyway, my MS Teams chat went from one topic to another and my colleague (N) was ranting about xxx and yyyy. He threatened to leave and told my manager about in February 2022. His former manager, M, who left us in March last year for some consulting firm, told him to stay in journalism. He said he sensed M misses journalism. M told him that in hindsight, her years with our company wasn’t so bad at all compared to her current company now where she is managing director.
It was a matter of the grass is always greener on the other side, I guess.
I told N that I also feel that discontent sometimes when I feel like the company is being unfair to me. L and I had been chatting as well and she was sending me names of companies that are hiring. I was looking at the job descriptions and nothing excited me. She said, maybe you would like to try something new. I said, I think I’m happy with journalism. And if I want to try something new, it would be data journalism/analytics that’s why I’m going to enroll in a training program for data analytics. Besides, none of the job openings are remote.
OMG, I didn’t realize that remote working is so important to me now, like it’s on top of my criteria. 🙀
During this chat with my Japanese colleague, N, we were talking about our angst about certain things. Then I sent him a photo of me (actually, my laptop) with a swimming pool in the background (the one I took after Christmas). He couldn’t believe I could work by the poolside or by the beach. I said whenever I feel shit about my job, I look at photos like this and tell myself that being able to work anywhere, according to my pace and comfort level, is something I cannot quantify yet. That flexibility as a single parent is very important, I just realized. Being able to turn off my Outlook or ignore it during the weekends is critical that most of us take for granted.
Even though being a journalist means you are always “on”, I can still afford to tune out when I need to.
Being at home to see my children and cook for them is precious. My kids always drag me out of my room to have proper meals with them at the table. It’s important to them.
L told me to just go through interviews, just to see what’s out there and how I compare against industry. Yes, she makes sense. But deep inside I feel it’s too exhausting and would just be wasting my time doing all that when I’m not ready to jump yet. I would know if a job description will click within me.
N said, you are doing good. You are where you’re supposed to be.
I don’t know how to turn off the confusion sown inside my chest. I don’t know how to quiet it down.
I don’t know. This disquiet is fueled by this desire to earn more so maybe if the company grants me the 8-point agenda I sent my bosses, maybe the noise will die down?
Twin A’s bookmark artwork. ❤️ Photo by CallMeCreation.com
This morning my thought was “If only I could just continue creating like draw/paint and make things with my hands, maybe I won’t be having this anxiety every Monday morning…”
Again, I don’t know where or how to reach that happy compromise.
I’m obsessed with stationery since elementary. I don’t know what it is about writing that has gotten me hooked on it. Maybe because I often lived inside my head and the only way to get myself out of it is through writing.
I’m talking about the physical aspect of writing, you know, the pen and paper kind. Writing on a computer makes it efficient and but pen and paper makes the act deliberate and in a way, calming. I used to doodle a lot in my notebooks back then, drawing embellishments on pages, writing with different fonts, making artistic signage.
My handwriting is bad nowadays because I scribble roughly as I am always in a rush. But when I am just taking down notes during conferences, my handwriting is neat. My colleague was amused that i also have schematic diagrams in my notes.
I loved sending letters as well. I wrote an article about the lost art of letter writing for 2bU!, Philippine Daily Inquirer when I was still in college. I kept penpals then, both girls or boys. Not everything had to be romantic, you know. I kept in touch with my cousins via letters even though we can call each other on landlines (no cellphones then). I sent friends greeting cards.
This documentary by NHK World shows the reason why I spend too much time in Japanese stationery stores. The care and obsession they have with pens, paper, and coloring materials make their products one of the best out there in the market. The markers like Uni, Pigma Micron, and Copic are the choice of artists worldwide. Pilot has always been my favorite pen.
Now I want to have those glass pens shown in this documentary ❤️. I haven’t started with calligraphy pens and fountain pens because I know I will be spending a lot of money on them once I get hooked. A lot of writers have this loving relationship with their pens and paper. My former colleague has a Lamy obsession and he spends so much money on fountain pens and expensive notebooks. Butch Dalisay is a known collector of vintage fountain pens.
I haven’t visited Kinokuniya at Mitsukoshi in BGC yet because 1) I haven’t had time yet; and 2) I may just get disappointed with their current offerings because I was told there is not much yet to see there.
Oh dear, don’t let me add calligraphy into my things to do…
Speaking of writing, I wrote a long email to my bosses as I want to proceed now with the offboarding process for my colleague who has just resigned. My manager told me to submit to HR to process it and she asked what do I suggest for staffing/hiring. I guess London didn’t want to make a counter-offer because how can they match a salary jump of more than 50% when they cannot offer it to the rest of the team? How would that make me feel as well???
I sent a long email comprised of action items (from number 1 to 8), that they should seriously consider because we ran out of people in Singapore, because they are so stingy.
From the tone of my email, I think they would sense that I am already frustrated with the situation, that I would soon quit.
Not yet though. I need to settle in my new home first then I take action. I just needed this promotion so I can have more leverage when it comes to salary negotiation in my next job. I have no idea what that will be but my patience is already wearing thin with my current situation.
Probably I need to do some fasting tomorrow so I can concentrate on praying for guidance. My mind is full of cobwebs now because of this staffing issue, on top of the editorial work that I must hurdle.
Smile even if your brain is hurting. My back is so tensed now. Sushi sharing my pain.
To cheer me up, our global editor emailed us all last night, announcing the best stories we produced worldwide. I was one of those reporters mentioned as I led the team in producing a series of reports about this particular story for 52 months since we scooped this thing in 2018 until it came to fruition late last year. We were always ahead of competition.
I still have my mojo.
This is the reason why I still couldn’t leave for a long time—I’m enjoying what I do. Plus the flexibility of not being in the office (heck, I can work at the beach if I can, which I did several times). But then I know I should earn more.
Maybe there’s a happy compromise somewhere?
I just realized, I want to enjoy a slower life in my new house. My new life.
I don’t know how I would be able to reach a compromise between higher pay and doing what I love to do.
I think this is the third coat of paint for the girls’ room. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I don’t know. I think my head is splitting now.
The stars would align, maybe? I should follow my own advice I gave a friend a week ago: you will know it’s just right when it falls on your lap and you are able to get it without so much of a resistance. Like everything just aligned for you to have it.
Just like this house; it was all smooth-sailing. I never imagined I could build my house in two years since I mused about it in December 2020 when I was so broken. I am meant to have this house and meant to go back home.
So ok, I just have to believe that there is a happy compromise somewhere.
One of the fountains I bought from Farmers. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My kids and I welcomed 2023 with our neighbors and we shared sparklers, fountains and fire crackers.
It’s kinda bittersweet. This is the last new year’s eve with the neighbors. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My girls enjoyed the evening, which was capped by viewing the fireworks of central QC from our neighbor’s roofdeck.
360-degree view of fireworks in central QC. Video by CallMeCreation.com
So for 2023, we will be embarking on a new adventure… Sort of. We’re going back to the place where my girls were born and where I grew up. Very familiar ground and yet it’s full of uncertainties. I will be in danger of making my world smaller because I will be back to my old stomping grounds. I’m in danger of regressing and throttling the growth that I had painstakingly nurtured. I’m scared of stunting.
But I’m doing this for my kids. They will benefit from growing up in a more protected and unpolluted environment. They’re now the priority, it’s no longer about me.
I say, I need to go forward, march to the tune of the band, and hope for the best. This new year will be a transition period for me, not only because I’m moving houses; I feel there’s a bigger shift that’s going to happen. I don’t know what exactly that is.
I’m out of therapy for 6 months now and 2023 will be a new start for me. I’ve been held back for two years and it was like I was loitering around purgatory longer than I should.
What will I be targeting to do this year?
More diving; it will be easier since travel time will be cut because I would already be in the south
Learn kiteboarding in Boracay
Go to Moalboal or Coron
Go surfing in Siargao, La Union, Zambales, or Baler.
Go camping again with my kids either in Caliraya again or Tanay, Rizal
Prepare for travel to Morocco or Spain in 2024; in the meantime I will bring my kids and mom to Singapore since it’s the easiest place when I have a brood to herd.
Travel to the Bangkok, Hi Chi Minh, and Phnom Penh for work.
Push for promotion of my two or three reporters
Build my small homestead
Start court proceedings for my annulment as I’m already out of therapy. I can finally battle it out in court
Our enormous shopping bag and Twin A. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My girls are growing exponentially.
They have already outgrown their new clothes–even if the ones we bought already had been one size bigger–only a few months after we bought them. 🥴 We culled the clothes that no longer fit (and there were a lot) and I realized that we needed to buy new of everything, from underwear to pants.
So went clothes shopping again today.
We just took Grab because my car was stuck in the garage because our neighbor’s other car was behind it and the entire family was out. There was no way I can get it out. Good thing that traffic was light; it only took us 10-15 mins from our apartment to the nearest SM.
Late lunch-early dinner of sukiyaki at Botejyu. I don’t know why they serve kimchi but, ok, if that’s how you roll, then fine. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I told my mom a few days ago about this constant growth spurts and said, “Oh yes. That stage where children are growing like blow-up balloons.” Her tone was like “glad I’m no longer in your shoes haha.”
My little ladies.
I’m so thankful that I can provide for their needs as a solo parent. I get zero financial help from their dad.
I’m just thankful I survived this year, just like I did in 2021, when I was just holding on. This year was a vast improvement over 2021 but it was still a struggle. I had to confront so much trauma to the point I had to continue taking tranquilizers to stabilize my trauma-induced anxiety. So that I could sleep. Staying weekends by the seaside and by the forest (my hometown) helped adjust my body clock as well. I had so much unpacking to do the entire 2022.
I remember in December 2020, around this time (specifically, I wrote on 26th of December) that I don’t know where I was going, but it’s ok.
It’s ok not to know what’s at the end of the bridge. For me it’s the journey over the bridge that’s most important. Make every little thing count. Enjoy the beauty in the simplest things: Preparing meals for my family. Watching sunsets. Watching the sunlight being filtered by my bedroom curtain while I am tucked between the sheets. Hearing my children’s squeals of laughter. Being by the sea and under the sea. Going up hills and mountains. Walking among flowers in Hitachi. Going to onsens. Taking hours-long train rides to somewhere. Discovering the best teppanyaki in the middle of nowhere in rural Japan. Walking around UP Diliman campus. Petting my cats. Sipping coffee in a coffee shop while I write or watch people. Writing.
Two years after, my words still hold true. I don’t know where I’m going but it’s ok. I am enjoying the simplest things still. I am enjoying the domesticity and at the same time I am still excited by my work: meeting new people, being challenged intellectually, and learning new things everyday. I’m not getting rich but I have more than enough. At least I have a home now and building more permanence for my kids. I am giving them a sense of belonging, like a warm hug that greets you every time you come home from roaming around. So that they will have roots and something to anchor them when they drift away from me someday. Even when I’m gone, they will still have a home and it’s theirs. No one can take that away from them. They will have always somewhere to come home to when they need to hide and lick their wounds and retrace their steps back into the wide world.
I wrote on 27 December that my simple dream was to build a small house or a cottage by the sea.
Anyway, I still hold that dream of living small by the sea. I’ve always wanted to live by the sea or by the mountains (I grew up by the foot of Mt. Makiling so it makes sense). Since I was a child, we always went to the beach at least once a year. My love for the sea is coupled with my interest in snorkeling and now freediving.
I never wanted to live in a big house. I’m a simple provinciana girl who just wants to manage a small but comfortable household; a small homestead growing our own food and keeping a few animals. I want to live sustainably. A cottage by the sea is perfect. I never tire of sunsets by the sea; it’s one of the most beautiful things to witness in life. Staring at the horizon, wondering what’s beyond it. Hearing the splash of water against the shore is calming at night, rocking me to sleep.
I am fulfilling that dream now. It’s not by the sea, though, but it can come later. At least I have checked that one item on my list. One step at a time.
This year I rediscovered that I could still draw. I wish the circumstances were different, of how I went back to it but…oh well. 🤷♀️
Am I healed? Not yet, I guess. I’m still angry. But I’m healthier in a way that I no longer get triggered (*fingers crossed*). I haven’t cried since February. And I promised myself I never will cry over that person. Ever.
So this year I climbed the ladder. Do I want it? I don’t know. Well, the pay raise was nice but I’m still severely underpaid compared to peers in the same position (thank you, ex-boss, for suppressing me like that). I’m still fighting for it, though. Let’s see how I can push the envelope this coming review.
So enough of the boo hoo episode and I must forge ahead. I read some past entries under the tag “anger” and what I’ve written last night is the recurring theme and I keep saying the same things over and over.
That means I’ve exhausted the topic. Eventually, I will get tired of it and I will no longer have any fucks to give.
Good.
The fact that I am no longer triggered with what I wrote last night (unlike before when I still get triggered everytime I did write about him) means I’m getting there. Take note, I’ve been off my meds since July and the topic didn’t send me palpitating nor I was sleepless. In fact, I fell asleep easily last night, with my phone on my hand as I dozed off while watching a reel. So this means the topic is no longer that grave as before.
Cheers to me!
Yes, I’m still angry but it’s no longer the heaviest weight on my mind, unlike before when it was occupying so much headspace. I realized now (after ruminating over this) that forgiveness is not needed for me to become indifferent to him. Just like with my past exes (and boy, they did some despicable things), I just grew up and no longer cared. I didn’t have to forgive them—I just didn’t care anymore.
I think this thing with J will just go down the same way…my anger will just dissipate, not because I had forgiven him, but because I no longer give a fuck anymore.
So yeah, the self-help books may be wrong with this one; they keep on saying need to forgive the person (or yourself) to be able to move on. I don’t have to because one day I will just stop caring since it will no longer have any bearing on me. And besides, it’s ok to keep that anger because that will keep me from engaging with such people.
Today we just ran errands and kept within the 2 km radius of mu apartment because OMG the traffic was really bad today. I keep hearing it being talked about while I was in the supermarket and reading about it on some FB and Twitter posts.
Here I was, waiting for the girls to finish their Kumon session. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The girls went to the Kumon center for their last session for the year and I followed to fetch them so we can go grocery shopping.
The most ridiculous thing today is that my onions cost PHP 250 for less than a kilo 🤦♀️
My contractor sent me these photos. Yey! My house is almost complete.
My window and fire exit. Tiny kitchen window.
Let’s see if by next week there will be more significant progress…
