I woke up at 3 am because Twin A was suffering from tummy ache that bothered her the entire night. The most I can give her was paracetamol. Her doctors didn’t give me home instructions for her pain; her last pain relievers were Tramadol and mefanemic acid and were given to her for 24 hrs after her biopsy.

At 5 am she was up again and wanted to vomit because her tummy was unbearably painful. She mentioned something about sharp pain that comes and goes. Sounded like hyperacidity so I gave her Omeprazole, which is part of her cocktail of daily meds to take. I let her sleep upright, propped up by several pillows. Only then her tummy calmed down and she slept soundly after it.

I cooked cheese omelette with pan de sal for Twin I while her sister slept. Good that she is responsible enough that I didn’t have to worry about her that much after serving her breakfast. Lest I be accused of not giving importance to my firstborn, I asked Twin I if I could go back to sleep because my head was already pounding for the lack of sleep instead of seeing her off to school.

I slept for almost 2 hours, which wasn’t enough, then subjected myself to torture—editing all day until 8 pm today. I was the only editor on duty today. 😩

But this is nothing compared to what I experienced the last three weeks. I would rather take this any day than be back to that horrible three weeks.

Sleeppppp…

Anxiety is eating me alive right now. I constantly have to monitor Twin A for pain and signs of fever. I also have to measure her abdomen regulary to make sure it’s not getting bigger until our check up next week. I need to have her blood test done to monitor her uric acid level but they forgot to give me the doctor’s order for that. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I haven’t fully stepped back into my regular rhythm. It’s kinda hard when you have had a big shock to your system. I don’t know how to function normally yet since my body just wants to shut down and rest.

Then there are the repairs. My contractor hasn’t sent his people back yet because it seems like the leak is not coming from the bidet spray but it’s from the pipe itself. Same thing with the lavatory, there might be some kind of leak seeping through the walls because my cabinet under the lavatory has grown mushrooms. Yes, literal mushrooms. It’s another cause for my anxiety. I mean, this is a new build so why am I having this kind of problems at this very early stage?!

I guess the culprit is our water booster. The pressure was just too much that my shower heater gave up and started leaking because one of the o-rings inside broke. Then my expensive bidet spray also broke, the head couldn’t contain the water so it started leaking as well while we were away. My sister bought a new one to replace my newish spray but that also broke despite adjusting the psi of the water pressure booster. When I got back, I bought another expensive spray but still the leak didn’t stop.

I want to shut down for a bit…

But I can’t.

It’s so wonderful to be back home. It’s nice to take a long hot shower in my own bathroom.

I am so exhausted. The emotional and mental toll on me is immense. I couldn’t curl up on my bed and pass out since I needed to unpack our lives for three weeks and fix broken things, such as the bidet spray that kept on leaking while I was away.

Going home was an ordeal since Twin A vomited inside the car. Good thing my sister has vomit bags in the pockets of the passenger side door.

And I need to wake up at 5 am to cook breakfast, help prepare Twin I for school, and make Twin A take her medicines. A lot of them.

🫠

It’s UTI. 😓

“What if this is UTI?” I asked our resident doctor when she told me the bad news that we had to be held back by 24 hrs + because of the fever.

She asked me, why do you think that? Her look was like, you are so random, Mommy.

I said, well, you know, in all the years I’ve been a mom, when fevers suddenly come out of nowhere and they’re high, 60-70% of the time it’s UTI.

Then I doubted myself because of that uric acid.

So overnight I held a vigil but failed (was too damn tired) to watch out for fever. Well, the highest temp my girl had was 37.6, which is not really a fever, at around 4 am.

Urinalysis showed that yes, it’s UTI and Twin A is on oral antibiotics now. So far so good.

As for the uric acid, the resident explained to me (well, she was also the one who also told me about the possibility of malignancy) that since cells are being destroyed (by the anti-TB meds), uric acid is released as a by-product.

That’s why our IDS is unperturbed. Our hema-onco, of course is hyper-vigilant, since my daughter’s genes are whacked (from my side and her dad’s side). She wants us back after I have gotten all the biopsy results and do another scan. There’s still this possibility of malignancy hanging over our heads.

We got discharged today but it’s very short notice so no one is available to fetch us. I decided to book a room with two queen beds at I’m Hotel in Makati because I want to treat my exhausted self. I needed to free up the room at PGH because a patient has been waiting for it since Thursday, poor kid.

I will still have battles ahead since I need to drive my daughter back and forth PGH for check ups. Plus the dreaded histopathology report.

For now, I’m luxuriating for a bit and will have a two hour massage later and take advantage of the unlimited access to onsen and sauna.

One victory at a time.

In a sick twist of whatever, her uric acid climbed again. She had a fever at 3:30 am, 12 hrs after her first fever in a week.

Our hema-onco is worried but the lead now is our IDS so the decision lies now with the latter. Hema-onco mentioned something about doing MRI since our histopathology will take 8 weeks to finish. I can see in her eyes what she is thinking.

But I spoke with our IDS later today and she was not that worried about the uric acid until she sees how much it has gone up today. She hasn’t seen the bloodwork yet. She said the fevers may be part of the TB infection but they’re making sure so they’re checking everything. An ultrasound may be in the mix because a dull abdominal pain has been bothering Twin A.

If my daughter won’t have a fever today or tonight, then we might go home tomorrow.

I trust their judgment but I’m apprehensive about that uric acid that fluctuates.

I have aged 20 years or more in the course of three weeks. At least this week I exerted effort to make myself presentable to feel human again.

But you know, in the grand scheme of things, looks and material things don’t matter. If I aged 20 years, so be it, as long as I have my daughters with me. I promise myself that I will make a lot more memories with them, take a lot of photos of those moments, and cherish the mundane. To tell them I love them everyday.

I told Twin A that I don’t care if I remain single forever as long as we three are all together until they fly out of the coop. That’s all I ask in this life.

I told her, I have not aspired to climb the ladder in our company even though I could because that means I will be flying all over the region every month. That’s not what I want for us, especially with what we’re experiencing right now.

So please, get well, little one. We will have more adventures and memories to create. Make the best of what we have in the present.

What the fuck is going on?!

I already paid our bills, already submitted our clearance to the nurses’ station and I will just get our bags when my daughter suddenly had a fever. Her last fever was last week.

Observation for the next 24 hours.

She took it badly. She cried so hard, wanted to go home now.

I’m scared of what this might mean. Again.