This is Kimchi. She used to be our cat but now she is just mine. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My cat’s face sums up my mood for days now. Sleepy and floating. Blinded by too much sunlight. I prefer to hibernate in my dark and cool cave. Away from people. Away from the real world that is getting more fucked up day by day. Just let me have this chance to escape reality for a bit more because by 4 January I need to live again.
Sunlight streaming through my curtains. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
This is how my cave looks like throughout the day. I love that it is in semi-darkness; he didn’t like it though because it’s not conducive for work. That’s exactly why I like it. It encourages my spirit to rest.
Too many people at Shopwise Cubao. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
However, as much as I want to stay in bed the whole day, I had to haul my ass off to the supermarket before the whole world descends on it for New Year’s eve food shopping. As much as possible I avoid the crowds. I hate holiday shopping even before the pandemic.
After this exhausting grocery shopping, I don’t think I can ride his bike to UP to buy veggies. If there’s one habit that J left me with, it’s the increased vegetable intake. Even in my mom’s house I nag them about food, particularly serving more veggies every meal. Because of that I end up cooking for everyone. 🤦🏻♀️
My work from home setup. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Bought myself a new 24″ monitor (a Lenovo for PHP 6,800), the one he was thinking of purchasing a few weeks ago. Prices online and in Greenhills aren’t that different so I opted to go to Greenhills instead of twiddling my thumbs for a week waiting for my Lazada purchase. I have a low EQ so I braved COVID and the crowd. I pulled out an old extra 20″ Dell monitor to have dual screens so I can be more productive.
Gotta pull my shit together. Be more productive and just work my ass off.
My personal life is crap right now but that doesn’t give me the license to mess up in my professional life. Besides, how do journalists even have personal lives anyway? I used to live this way: news, news, news, and chasing more news. I ate and breathed news. Maybe I should get back to that life; at least it loves me back.
He once wanted to live in a cottage by the sea. I no longer know if this is still true. I lost sight of what he wanted. What his dreams have evolved into. He retreated from me as if he disdains me.
From our balcony in Anilao, Mabini, Batangas. Photo by callmecreation.com
Anyway, I still hold that dream of living small by the sea. I’ve always wanted to live by the sea or by the mountains (I grew up by the foot of Mt. Makiling so it makes sense). Since I was a child, we always went to the beach at least once a year. My love for the sea is coupled with my interest in snorkeling and now freediving.
I never wanted to live in a big house. I’m a simple provinciana girl who just wants to manage a small but comfortable household; a small homestead growing our own food and keeping a few animals. I want to live sustainably. A cottage by the sea is perfect. I never tire of sunsets by the sea; it’s one of the most beautiful things to witness in life. Staring at the horizon, wondering what’s beyond it. Hearing the splash of water against the shore is calming at night, rocking me to sleep.
Ever since highschool, I’ve been fascinated with small interior design. Until now I watch Youtube videos of small homes. Like I’m preparing myself for a future in a small cottage by the sea. Simple life in the province. A condo in the city for business.
Bridge going to Pili Drive, UP Los Baños. Photo by callmercreation.com
Where I am headed? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.
I’m a goal-oriented person, that’s why I am where I am today. However, life fucks up, right? So I’ve learned in the past 20 years that it’s nice to have goals but it’s not the end all and be all of life. The goals set you on a course and help you weed out what works and what doesn’t. It lets you have boundaries. Like I only took jobs that would lead me to a journalism career. After journalism, who knows? It’s ok not to know. But at least now I know I may not go into investment banking (I was invited once or twice) because seeking mandates is tough. Chasing mandates is not as enjoyable as chasing stories. The money sucks in journalism but so far it is allowing me to support five people (my two nannies, me, and my girls). Let’s see how I would be able to increase income without having to jump into investment banking. I may go into business, but I don’t know if I still have the energy to run a business like we did before. Consultancy probably is the way to go…damn it. I don’t have a PhD. And I certainly will not pursue a PhD at this stage because scholarships abroad have an age limit of 36 or 37 years old. But I have earned my stripes and may need to earn more before or during a consultancy gig. Not really sure how this will work out but that’s the beauty of it. It may just fall on my lap one of these days and it will sort itself out.
That journey may not necessarily mean it’s only here in the Philippines. My girls and I may end up somewhere else. Who knows? But that’s the beauty of it. It’s the openness to possibilities that makes life beautiful.
It’s ok not to know what’s at the end of the bridge. For me it’s the journey over the bridge that’s most important. Make every little thing count. Enjoy the beauty in the simplest things: Preparing meals for my family. Watching sunsets. Watching the sunlight being filtered by my bedroom curtain while I am tucked between the sheets. Hearing my children’s squeals of laughter. Being by the sea and under the sea. Going up hills and mountains. Walking among flowers in Hitachi. Going to onsens. Taking hours-long train rides to somewhere. Discovering the best teppanyaki in the middle of nowhere in rural Japan. Walking around UP Diliman campus. Petting my cats. Sipping coffee in a coffee shop while I write or watch people. Writing.
Is it the pursuit of happiness? Umm, probably not. Happiness may be incidental, something that happens. You cannot be constantly happy because life fucks up. And chasing happiness is…fucked up as well. Maybe the best thing I can think of right now is the pursuit of contentment. Being content is not equal to being mediocre. Contentment may be reaching a high bar that you have set for yourself. But never being content may be equal to unhappiness and may launch you into this endless pursuit of nothingness.
So where do I go from here? I don’t know. And it’s ok.
My piano in my mother’s house. Well, I consider it mine sinceno one else plays it. Photo by callmecreation.com
What is home? Home is the place where you feel most safe and comfortable. It welcomes you when the world has defeated you. Whatever happens, it opens its arms and wraps you with it until you fall asleep. Home is like a lullaby. Home is where your heart is.
I am in my childhood home now for Christmas. But somehow it’s no longer my home. It no longer comforts me. It’s a bit stifling now, to be honest. It’s nice to go back to it but I feel boxed in. Like it doesn’t allow me to grow up.
I just realized that the home I have now, that small old apartment, is home. With all the quirks that come with an old building, the happy and sad memories, the cats, my soft bed…it sings me to sleep. It welcomes my tired heart. It envelopes me. It is mine.
