Where?

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Hitachi Kaihin Koen ひたち海浜公園, Ibaraki Prefecture, Japan. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Hitachi Kaihin Koen is one of those places where I felt really happy and at peace. I don’t know why but it’s just like that. I desperately want to go back there now but for obvious reasons I can’t. I was already a zombie at that time I visited in 2017 but somehow when I got there in Hitachi, I became human again. I started to feel emotions again. I realized that I wasn’t completely dead inside. Sitting there on top of the hill surrounded by flowers staring at the sea for hours made me realize that there might be something beyond the trees, the sea, the horizon that I should try to see and look forward to. That’s why in 2018 I opened up again to another person…

Now I have the chance to create a happy place that I could build with my own hands without anybody else. It’s now within my reach. I just need to decide where I should buy a lot and plant roots, figuratively and literally. I wish I could build my small home on a hill that I can plant with flowers, trees, and vegetables, like our home when I was growing up. Or have my little house perched somewhere high overlooking the sea, like in Anilao. I could recreate this view from Hitachi in my little cottage by the sea.

The thing that is keeping me from scouting for a lot now is 1) Metro Manila may be put on a hard lockdown again starting tomorrow or Sunday–it’s just a matter of between now and Monday; 2) I don’t know if I should be planting my roots now because I may end up living abroad–I can’t really tell. I have to decide soon because the window to acquire a lot may close.

If I do choose to build a home in the near-term, I have to concentrate on that while raising my girls. Nothing else should divert me.

And I could hear my friend commenting again, “looks like you’re not making space for anyone else.”

She’ll know that my answer hasn’t changed.

Illustration by @Avogado6 from Twitter

Baggage

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I had been unhappy for many, many years that I evolved into being a zombie. Nowadays, I am a prickly Mimosa pudica that shirks everytime that grief button is pushed.

I wish I could just forget.

I just want to be happy. Is it too much to ask?

Everything is so f*cked up right now

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Something to help me through this crazy time. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

After a year, we’re back to square one. Octa Research says we’re having a serious surge of COVID-19 cases in Metro Manila and the variants we’re having (damn, we already have our own ‘Philippine variant’) are not to be messed with.

The Octa team said that if the effects of localized lockdowns and stricter quarantine measures continue, the NCR would have a reduced number of cases by the end of March.

“The result is that the more optimistic scenario could reduce the number of new COVID-19 cases by the end of March to less than 4,000, compared with 7,500 if there are no changes,” they said.

We’re basically still stuck with a virus that is getting more clever. I’m just praying none of my friends and loved ones would get sick because this unseen monster could hit from anywhere. Hospitals are already at capacity again. We never managed to really to flatten the curve or had a downtrend. All thanks to the mishandling of the pandemic by this brainless authoritarian government. It makes me sadder that some countries are getting out of this pandemic and are already “near-normal” while it seems like we’re never going to see the end of this.

My hand-sewn masks for female friends. I do sew masks in male-friendly prints for guy friends. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

All the more I am busy sewing masks for friends to help me to manage my anxiety while encouraging friends to save the environment by using reusable masks while keeping safe from the infection. If they’re only going to run to the store and not be in crowded spaces or in healthcare facilities like clinics or hospitals, my masks that are made of tightly woven cotton (either Japanese, Indian, or Turkish cotton) would suffice. As a freediver, the news reports of face masks or PPEs littering the sea makes me angry.

Speaking of diving, I would have to have our reservation at Blue Ribbon in Anilao moved to…God knows when. I don’t think this surge will ease after two weeks. Besides, the weather now is f*cking crazy. Imagine, middle of March and we are dealing with low pressure areas (that could be a beginning of a typhoon). It’s supposed to be the hot and dry season right now. On a personal level, I am not complaining because at least it’s not as hot compared to last year but from an agricultural perspective, this is not good. The planting cycle is going haywire. Crops could be destroyed.

Meanwhile, my plan to buy a small lot could be within reach sooner than I realized. I have to decide where that lot could be. My job requires me to be here in Metro Manila but I cannot imagine myself staying here for the rest of my life. I could buy in my hometown and there’s a nice lot there on a hill just within or inside the university campus that is surrounded by trees that I knew was for sale. Two Cubo units that I could join together would be sufficient for me and my girls and I could upgrade it as time goes by since I will be saving a lot of rent money. However, I cannot drive to Makati everyday if face-to-face events and meetings go back. Either I give up being a super journalist and just be content being an editor so I don’t have to be mobile all the time–but I’m not sure if I am ready to hang up my shoes and newsboy cap. I love being in the field too much.

Think, think, think.

But that little dream of having a homestead by a hill/mountain or the sea is nagging me. It’s calling me. Now that I’ve decided to remain a single mom for the rest of my days made that voice louder.

Think, think, think.

Another impending lockdown

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They’ve started hoarding San Miguel beer at my neighborhood grocery store.

On the first anniversary of the Philippines COVID-19 lockdown, we are facing a threat of another lockdown as cases continue to rise to 5,000 daily. My city has started to ban alcohol (I don’t understand the logic behind this when people can stock up and have drinking parties at home), gyms, and spas.

People started hoarding beer because the ban starts today. I managed to stock up on beer in cans, vodka, and I still have red wine to tide me over the coming weeks.

The market did not take the news very well.

So basically, I need to do off-hours shopping for food again to avoid long lines at the supermarket and curfews. Trying to keep everyone sane because we’re going to be stuck again at home since Quezon City will start implementing the quarantine pass requirement again.

Which is utterly ridiculous. People need to go to work, keep their jobs, and feed their families. Quarantine passes are just instruments to bully people. There are households with more than one adult who needs to go to work. Limiting it to only one adult who can go outside is against the basic human right to earn a living. If this government only implemented a good contact tracing program, testing, and quick and wide vaccination program, this wouldn’t be happening. All they know how to do is to praise themselves because of this delusion they are doing a good job for the benefit of the DDS. Like how delusional Trump was.

I am completely drained right now. I don’t have anything to look forward to in the coming weeks.

Smaller world

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Taking shelter from the rain. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

5000 new cases yesterday, the highest since August. This is why they try to curtail movement again. That’s the only thing this brainless government knows how to do. No comprehensive vaccine program, no useful contact-tracing program where our records are not stolen by scammers, no nothing. It’s like being in Myanmar right now.

It’s kinda like being on a semi-lockdown again on the anniversary of the COVID-19 lockdown. I can’t explain what I’m feeling right now because I am trying to suppress any strong emotion these days. The closest thing I can say is I’ve given up hope that we will be ok.

UP Diliman started banning joggers and bikers again until further notice. My daughters and I tried cycling along University Ave but it rained. We had to go back and just bought Korean ice cream from Seoul Meat on the way home to make them feel better.

Finishing their “dirty” ice cream near Mang Larry’s during our exercise last week, before UP campus had shut down. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I couldn’t bring them elsewhere to have our exercise. Police had set up checkpoints at the border of QC and Rizal so we can’t go to Angono or Binangonan for biking. I guess that would be the same case everywhere. No more going home to Laguna this Holy Week. I can’t have my Laguna biking trip. I wonder if we can still go to Anilao a week after that. I booked Blue Ribbon resort for four days before cases started spiking.

Circumstances are really forcing me to live inside my head again. I want to scream. I want to cry but I’m tired of crying. Been crying for exactly three months now. I’m stuck. In my room. The worst place to be stuck because I shared this room with him for two years. I couldn’t move houses because at the moment it’s better to be in this location since it’s near UP. My brain needs the openness of my university, figuratively and literally. It’s also convenient to have supermarkets within walking distance when you are trying to avoid people.

I want to be in Japan right now. To be in Gifu and Ishikawa. Once this madness is all over, that’s where I will be.

Taken for granted

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Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I now know the reason relationship J happened. The raison d’etre.

It is teaching me now to walk away from a person who is just taking you for granted. The relationship gave me the red flags to watch out for. It is teaching me that just because that person happened to be by your side physically, it doesn’t mean he loves you and you deserve to be treated like that. It doesn’t mean things will improve even if you push more to win his love. You can never win the love of a person who is just taking you for granted. Do not be with somebody who didn’t think you are precious because he will not take care of you and not think that you are worth his time and effort.

When you’re giving much more energy than you’re receiving, walk away.

Do not accept chump change of affection.

You are a good, respectable, and intelligent person. You have so much love to give. You deserve love and respect. Nothing less.

It’s better to be alone than be with somebody who doesn’t love and appreciate you. Or else you will be one mess of a person popping antidepressants, thinking that things are fine because he is gaslighting you.

He fell in love with you. But falling in love with you is much different from loving you. The latter requires more work and it is the acceptance of the person you are today, rather than the person he initially thought you were when he fell in love with you.

It’s ok to be alone. It’s better to be alone.