What are you trying to prove?

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I asked myself this question when I was analyzing the situation with my ex-partner, J. What we were was really a combination of so many layers, of so many things. One thing about us is that I felt like I was not part of his plans. I never figured in it.

One time we were watching this Indian movie about the ‘Pad Man’, the true to life story of a guy who invented low-cost menstrual pads for Indian women. He was ostracized by everybody (because, India) as menstruation is taboo and a man tackling that is double taboo. Anyway, J asked me if I would support him if he was Pad Man. I said, I would, all the way. Even if it sounds crazy, even if it is daunting, I will give all I got to support him

Which I did. I never discouraged him from anything that he was thinking he wanted to do. I helped him do the leg work. For everything. The co-working space idea, the medical cassette whatever that is, and the last one was investment banking and consultancy. I pulled all the stops and did whatever and supported him to be where he is now.

But then, I couldn’t see myself in this future he was building. He didn’t include me. I asked him the last time we talked face to face, where are you headed? I don’t know where you are, I can’t see you, I no longer know what’s inside your head.

Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants. But he knows what he doesn’t want. Me.

I may be wrong but part of his restlessness is brought about by this need to prove something to other people. I don’t know. I just feel that he has to put on a face to his family, especially when he hid himself on LinkedIn from his cousin after he quit the large firm almost 3 years ago. I asked why. He said I don’t want them to know I don’t have a job/not successful/whatever. Aside from that I always felt that he was on a race to something, that by xx time he should already yy.

Meanwhile, I am probably on a different plane. I don’t have anything to prove to anybody. I’m not on a race. I have a classmate who is a literal rocket scientist helping to launch satellites into space. Half of my classmates have PhDs or whatever. My siblings are PhDs and experts in their fields, and so are my parents. However, I don’t feel any urgency to follow their paths. I may aim to be the head for Asia Pacific for my company and I can achieve that if I put my mind to it but it’s not something I would be killing myself over for. It would look nice on my CV but if it happens, it happens but it’s not really the goal.

I don’t have that much chip on my shoulder professionally. I am my profession, which is also a vocation. I’m in that unique space where my job is my passion. Which is in some way limiting as well because I couldn’t leave it without being torn apart. At some point I would have to leave because I have two dependents and their father is not contributing financially to their upbringing. Staying as a journalist is not financially rewarding but it feeds my soul.

So do I have anything to prove to anybody now that I’m in my 40s? Do I feel some pressure that I should be this xxx by age yyyy? I don’t know, not really. It’s hard to set lofty career goals when you’re also the primary caretaker of your children. Their needs come first. Women, especially solo parents, most of the time dial back because they have to take into consideration how career advancement would affect the children. I honestly haven’t been on top of my children’s school work because my own team at work is struggling and I manage them remotely while I need to hit my personal goals at work at the same time. For the life of me, I don’t know how I would be able to manage them if I don’t have my helpers to do the household chores. I don’t have the mental space for anything else. So when the grief button is pushed at random times, my weak walls crumble, become inanimate for a day or two and I have to work my way back up again.

What do I want to prove? I don’t know. I just want to live peacefully and meaningfully. I no longer think about what others would think. I don’t have anything to prove to my mother and she accepts me for what I am and what I have achieved so far. I don’t need my siblings’ acceptance and approval. As long as we stay away from each other’s business, we’re cool. My children love me. I no longer think I need a partner to make me feel loved and important. I’m still working on this mantra but just thinking about the work it entails to have another person in my life is exhausting. Besides it would surely lead to heartbreak that I don’t have the capacity to carry anymore.

Everytime I step out, I am playing hide and seek with death (reports of lung opacity and intubation of 19 year old COVID-19 patients with no comorbidities mean everyone is fair game), reminding me of my mortality. It makes me realize I’m on borrowed time. On our deathbeds, we don’t say I wish I became the global head for this and that before I go… My dad, a few days before he died, told his friend that he can already go as he already made peace with his children and he had settled all the things he had to settle. He was already satisfied.

So what do I want to prove? Nothing. I just want my children to be good human beings. Nothing else.

Back to where we were a year ago

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And it’s 2020 all over again.

We’re back to enhanced community quarantine (ECQ) a.k.a strict lockdown where you need quarantine passes or IDs if you are an essential worker i.e. healthcare, food service, and logistics.

And just like last year, this stupid and incompetent government still doesn’t have contingency plans!!! The presidential spokesperson said wait for the details on Monday… WTF!!! why can’t they treat this with urgency?! People need to go to work on Monday and there are no clear rules on transportation, financial support for the most vulnerable…

But unlike last year, we are now logging 10,000 new COVID-19 cases the other day. And these new variants are overwhelming us as the government is bungling our vaccine procurement.

I knew I would be so distressed so good thing I was able to make it to the Fabric Warehouse along C5 before everything shuts down. I bought 18 yards of fabric to make into curtains. By hand. To destress. To relieve me of my anxiety.

I just sewed one panel tonight and finished it at 2 am today. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I have seven panels to finish until Easter Sunday so I guess I will be pretty occupied until April 4.

Since weekdays bleed into weekends and the distinction is getting blurred once more, I am putting more effort in cooking on weekends, just to make it distinguishable from workdays. So every weekend, I barbecue meat on skewers or chunks of chicken in sauce, grill stake, or do Korean barbecue… Just like what we did when J was still here.

Just because he’s no longer here doesn’t mean we can’t have good food regularly. I am getting better at starting the fire and have ember as soon as possible.

On a related note, the girls are now learning to eat spicy food bit by bit. Last week I ordered the spicy Korean fried chicken from Jjangkae along Kalayaan Ave just the other day. Yes, they struggled but at least it’s a vast improvement from before when they simply had refused anything with a hint of spice.

Spicy Korean fried chicken with side dishes. Photo by CallMeCreation.com.

Although this is not really spicy but at least they’re already eating yellow curry (either the Otogi brand or McCormick). It will take a long time before I would be able to serve Thai green curry or red curry. I still have all those Thai and Malaysian curry mixes (rendang!) here stuck in my shelf. Because no one eats them here except me and J.

Ah one of these days I’m going to cook them and send to friends who are stuck in condos with no proper home-cooked meals.

United colors of Benetton

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US is full of racists and I understand, based on first hand stories and literature, that Asians are the invisible colors there. We tend to try our darned best to blend in and not raise hell.

From J, I learned that the affirmative action was a disservice to Asian Americans. They get left out. They get dismissed and are the least priority.

From my relatives, the stories are like the expectation is that they need to do well, extremely well, for them to be acceptable. There was no other way. Asians needed to work doubly hard so that they can achieve at least the same level of acceptability or success as the whites do.

What I miss about J is the dining table conversations we have about these things (well it was just me listening and him talking). The Atlanta shootings of Asian Americans would surely fire him up and he would be talking nonstop over breakfast about this and that. The photo of that Chinese grandma attacked in California would make him worry about his grandma and also his brother in Alabama, of all places.

Xiao Zhen Xie was attacked in San Francisco. (GoFundMe.com)

They were actually the first thing on my mind when the killings in Atlanta happened.

Asian discrimination of Asians is present too and I’ve been a recipient of that. There was one time I cried when I was explaining to J why I didn’t like being in Singapore. He didn’t understand the hierarchy among Asians, him being Korean and all.

Since working with this xxx who looked down on Filipinos, he somehow got the idea where I was coming from. Why I had to assert myself, that I’m as good as everybody else. That our being poor is not an excuse to dismiss us that we are all gold diggers, incompetent, and brainless.

I remember a coworker remarking that I must have Chinese blood because I was skilled, very good in what I do, and well spoken. I say WTF 🤬 can’t I just be Filipino and just as good? That’s how low the view us.

I always get this: “Oh you’re not Filipino/can’t be Filipino. You’re fair and pretty or this and that.” WTF WTF WTF!

Yeah, racism is one of the evils of this life. It tastes bad.

I needed this alcohol break. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Yesterday I had back to back webinars and calls and I was writing and editing in between. I barely had time to eat.

But it was good. It made up for the patapon days I had that dragged me down. I have to admit my blog post the other day riled me up when I recalled this young biatch of J’s and the treatment I received. I keep suppressing my emotions so I can move on but when they surface, it’s like being hit by a train.

Repeat after me: I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better.

What is better? Me. I should love me. I don’t need anyone. No one else would look out for me. No one else would love my children and accept them. Except me.

No more emotions. It makes me weak.

Losing my mojo

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There are days when I’m so pumped up, with interviews left and right, online conferences to attend, a lot of edits to finish. But there are days that are just garbage. So yeah, the past days since last week were utterly garbage. I have been too lethargic that I no longer know what to do with myself.

Just this evening I was still editing a crappy compilation that I simply had to rewrite everything. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I was supposed to go biking to clear my head and have some exercise but it was already 6:30 pm and I still wasn’t finished.

I’m losing my mojo. I’m so tired. I’m tired of carrying the weight of the world. I’m tired of lockdowns. I’m just tired of pretending that things are going to be all right.

Maybe I just need to sleep.

Anxiety and control

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Tea to calm me down before tackling work. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

If there’s something that I’ve learned in the past 20 years is that there are things that I can control and I should let go of the things I can’t. And I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff.

I may be past the prime age for child-bearing but at least I have with me maturity that some 20-year-old girl can only acquire through time and experience. Maturity is not just taking on work responsibilities seriously, because, (WTF!) that is part of being an adult.

(*As a side note, J kept on singing about how glorious was his biatch of an employee, D, for being “so mature because she is taking work seriously” and he was full of praises for her while I who had done everything for him–from small stuff like folding his clothes to the big stuff like financially supporting him when he was still struggling, received nothing but disdain and he treated me like I’m nothing more than a cleaning lady and chauffer, and blamed me for every little thing. I remember it vividly, as I wrote in my journal sometime July or August last year*).

Part of the maturing process is the increase in internal locus of control and minimizing the external. Part of it is the mastery of the Prayer for Serenity. Part of it is the ability to take the focus off myself to shift to the bigger picture.

Anyway, what I’m driving at is, the 21-year-old me would have freaked out at what’s happening around me. I would be so focused on it that it would either make me catatonic or send me into hysterics–both of which would jeopardize all the things I have worked hard for.

Posted by a doctor high school mate of mine.
Another post by the same high school mate.

Since I’ve been through hell and have scars to show for it, I now have learned to calm down and focus on the things I can control so that the road back to hell–if I have the misfortune to be back on that road–would be less bumpy and violent.

  • I cannot change the incompetent government now but I have to register for the 2022 election so that my vote will count. Harboring anger without action is unhealthy and counter-productive. Relying on impossible what-ifs right now i.e. rallies or people power in the time of 8k daily cases is also not productive
  • Use social media to create awareness and knowledge of the situation. As a journalist, I know I have a platform. What I can do is to call the attention of all people to the wrongdoing, whatever that may be, so that this can be reversed. This is something I can do to change what it seems like a situation that is beyond what I can humanly control.
  • I can control the movement of my family and by hunkering down in place to minimize chances of catching Covid, I will not contribute to the worsening situation in hospitals.
  • I will donate to those who need help to alleviate their suffering as the government doesn’t want to give financial aid to the most vulnerable. Just like I did regularly a year ago when the lockdowns hit us hard.
  • I haven’t done this in a while but I must pray. This is something for God to handle.

The government’s handling of this pandemic is a mess and the greed and incompetence of Duque and the rest of the Duterte administration is killing us all. The situation in the hospitals is indeed heartbreaking and scary. So in order for me not to lose track of what is important and get gobbled up by anger, I need to focus on the things I can control and let go of the things I can’t. Do this refocusing and purging daily.

Thank God for cats. They make me laugh.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Photo by CallMeCreation.com

COVID cometh, COVID taketh away

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crucifix illustration
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

My high school classmate died of COVID-19 yesterday afternoon. He had to be intubated after complaining that he couldn’t breathe after getting positive for COVID. He had undergone dialysis. Only in a span of two days…

He used to play keyboards for my band because he was a better keyboard player than I am (yes, I used to have a band 21 years ago). But he had to drop out because he had a day job. We were fresh college graduates then who had a hangover of college life. He was my uncle’s godson and he and his wife were the next tenant after my older sister gave up her condo unit when she left for Australia some years ago.

He is more than a statistic.

Damn this government.

Yesterday we logged the highest daily new COVID-19 cases since the pandemic began. And Octa Research projects that we will be hitting 10k-11k before the month ends if the government doesn’t do anything to keep the people from moving about unnecessarily.

The situation is getting worse. We are a hot mess and those nincompoops in government do not have one iota of goodness in them.

Just read this: Fil-Chinese business group being ‘blocked’ from buying COVID-19 vaccines – Locsin

There are so many news items and anecdotal evidence of other things that point to incompetence, negligence, and self-interest reigning over this administration. I am really losing hope and I’m emotionally drained. Bankrupt.

One of my best friends is now thinking of migrating to Canada. I can’t do the same since a single mother has limited options. Countries like Canada and Australia would put single parents in the bottom of their list as desirable migrant because the thinking is that people like me will just weigh on their welfare system. My present company will not sponsor my migration since my skills are more needed in this region. That’s why a tourist visa to the US is tricky for a single parent unless I prove I have above average income, investments, and properties here. The two items I can easily provide but I haven’t invested in properties until the annulment is granted by the court.

I was distressed last night that I had had sewn by hand my new muslin kitchen curtain. In one sitting. I needed to be busy and mask sewing doesn’t cut it anymore. I need a more complicated project to take my mind off my classmate’s death, the sorry state this country is in right now, and my own personal grief.

My tiny hemming/felling stitches that I learned from Bernadette Banner on Youtube. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
It’s more of a window skirt to soften the window that overlooks the utility/laundry/cooking area of my apartment. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

UPDATE: We’re going to be on a lockdown starting tomorrow, but the government doesn’t want this to be called a lockdown because that meant they had to give financial support to the most vulnerable people–the poor. The poor who had no choice, cannot stay at home because they need to work or else they would go hungry.

Duterte approves 2-week GCQ for M. Manila, nearby provinces with add’l restrictions

They keep on saying we cannot afford it but they have yet to show where they spent the money they have borrowed for social amelioration. They have borrowed billions of USD for vaccine procurement and yet they are forcing the private sector to donate half of the vaccines they are procuring for their employees (because they cannot wait for the government’s verrrrrrryyyyy slooooooowwwwwwww vaccination program–if there is indeed a program). Because people like me had been very noisy/vocal about this anomaly on social media, the government now is singing a different tune.

Private sector need not donate vaccines to gov’t, ECOP chief says

Where is the money we borrowed for vaccines gonna go if they’re forcing the private sector to donate? Your guess is as good as mine. This is blatant corruption and this government is really taking advantage of the pandemic that keeps us from doing protest actions like the Burmese.

Or Filipinos no longer care.