Shattered

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Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future’s open wide, beyond believing
To know why hope dies
And losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
But the silence of this sound is soon to follow
But somehow sundown

And finding answers is forgetting all of the
Questions we call home
Passing the graves of the unknown

As reason clouds my eyes with splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight
A reflection of a lie will keep me waiting
with love gone for so long

And this day’s ending is the proof of time
killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold

And I’ve lost who I am, and I can’t understand
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love
Without, love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on
But I know, all i know is that the end’s beginning
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent
All this time spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain
All is lost but hope remains and this war’s not over
There’s a light, there’s a sun taking all these shattered ones
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding
Fall into your sunlight

Been swimming in David Hodges (including Trading Yesterday, Arrows to Athens) songs the past 48 hours. I don’t know why. I haven’t listened to him in years. Maybe because he has been very apt for the past few days.

It’s Monday again; it’s such a struggle to be productive but against all odds I was. There was a “little” mishap during today’s press conference not of my doing (never trust other people to do their jobs well) but I still managed to salvage what could be salvaged and still end up triumphant. But I ended up rushing a time-sensitive story, rushing to publish ahead of competition. I hedged an article related to this one last week, which was a good call since today could have gone another way. My 20-year experience always gets tested in situations like these.

To calm my frayed nerves. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I had to grab one bottle of Smirnoff to calm me down after the hectic day I’ve had. I had to finish another very long article today that was already overdue while trying to rush that time-sensitive story. And my editing jobs had piled up on me from last Friday.

All I wanted was to float today.

I wanted to process so many things today but life gets in the way.

Like you know, you can’t stop the world from turning just because yours already stopped but your children’s worlds continue to move on. You cannot die even if you’re already dead because your children need to go on living. You cannot afford to be suspended in air because your children need you. You have no choice but to be strong when you just want to buckle and give in. Because you’re tired of fighting. But fight you must, for your children.

Thus is the life of a solo parent. You carry the weight of the world and that is yours alone to bear.

International cat day and commodification of culture

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I am not one to celebrate silly special days like this but in honor of my cats who give me joy especially during the darkest days, I am now recognizing this day just for them.

One presscon, Kimchi pulls this stunt. Photo by CallMeCreation

Here I was, a screencap of our Zoom press conference last week with my cat, Kimchi, in her weird sleeping position. During the first Q&A my background was blurred but it looked so unnatural that I had to revert to normal background. And now I have a cat acting out in the background.

Meanwhile, I posted this on social media the other day at the height of my despair that may have something to do with Nas Daily’s exploitation of Filipino indigenous culture.

There is a lot of them out there. They make vlogs about the Philippines–from the fake “I love the Philippines”-type of content to exaggerated reaction videos of anything Filipino/Philippines to exploit the Filipinos’ hunger for validation from foreigners, especially the white ones, by doing Pinoy-clickbaiting.

This happens more often to Filipinos because majority of us are English-speaking compared to other nationalities in Asia, thus, we are very accessible and ripe for this type of click-bait content.

And this feeds into Nas Daily’s strategy. After the controversy with Nas Daily’s exploitation of Apo Whang-od (making a Kalinga tattoo course in Nas Academy), Nas Daily lost 500,000 subscribers. That’s how big his Filipino audience is, or that may just be a fraction of his overall Filipino audience.

Nas Academy also lost some content providers like Catriona Gray and Panlasang Pinoy.

As a half-assed academic, I wanted to write a paper about this phenomenon of commodification of culture by so-called influencers viewed through the lens of neo-Marxism. Like there is this conflict between social equality and freedom. In this context, Apo Whang-od has the freedom to monetize her skill (if indeed she fully understood the alleged agreement between her and Nas Daily) but it is not for Nas Daily to exploit because the designs, technique, tools, rituals, and traditions belong to the Butbut tribe of Kalinga (conflict between individual freedom and social equality). There is a governing body that protects all things concerning our indigenous peoples–to make sure that social equality is protected–that Nas Daily bypassed.

Let’s see how this controversy will turn the tide regarding the exploitative vloggers.

Music therapy

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I never thought I would be singing a Selena Gomez song. But I did. And it’s therapeutic. The lyrics are like a lightning bolt to the heart.

And I swear, I will never cry over you again.

In the end…

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As Linkin Park said:

I tried so hard and got so far

But in the end it doesn’t even matter

I had to fall to lose it all

But in the end it doesn’t even matter

I won’t quit, not just yet. Because you know why? I’m a great loss and I’m a threat. I will bid my time. The ball is in my hand. I’ll know when it is time.

Just like in other aspects of my life, they will only see my value after I’m gone.

And I’m having the last laugh. Good riddance.

No more feeling sorry for myself. No one can shortchange me again. I have everything; they’ve got nothing. Because I am me and they cannot replicate me.

You’ll see.

Lockdown again

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The strict enhanced community quarantine (ECQ) a.k.a. hard lockdown has started a few hours ago. Since I was busy with work, it was only this morning I was able to go to the barangay hall to apply for a quarantine pass.

But they sent me home because I didn’t bring a 1×1 photo for the pass, which they will make as an ID of sorts. Who the hell carries a 1×1 photo all the time?!

Good thing I always have a stash of photo papers at home. I printed 1×1 photos all over my A4 sized photo paper. I just don’t know how I will be able to use up all those when everything these days are digital 🤔

I went back to the barangay hall only to be told that I don’t need a quarantine pass because I can use my work ID. Drats. So I called up my househelp and told her to apply for her quarantine pass instead so both of us can go out.

While I was at it, I asked about the seal of authentication for my vaccine card. The barangay officer took my card and said the barangay captain will collate all those needing the authentication seal and have them stamped then they will return it to us. I just hope they do it soon.

Then I spent the rest of the morning and noon panic-buying. I bought a lot of meat from a Monterey Community Market, then shopped at Puregold for other food and household supplies we will need in the next 2-3 weeks. Then went to UP for vegetables.

My shopping cart. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Then added some essential stuff. For my sanity.

For mental health. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

In other news…

Carlos Paalam’s fight will be at 1 pm today. He can either win silver or gold.

Fighting!

Quit

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I just want to quit. Quit this company. All I can say is you cannot make yourself small for somebody who refuses to grow up.

As I told a friend, I just do my job, keep my head low, get my salary, then jump when the opportunity comes.

I’ve been looking at openings but so far none stirred excitement inside me. I mean, none tugged at my insides yet.

Pita bread and curry. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Beef strips with enoki mushrooms that I made myself. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Since we’re stuck indoors again, I have been trying to cheer ourselves by cooking yummy food (and yes I am forcing my girls to eat Indian food). I no longer know how to make things better for the four of us (the other househelp already went home to her hometown and got married the other day) because…we are all tired of all of these.

I have already asked for a leave of absence for a few days this month before they announced the lockdown. I was initially planning to go to my hometown for a mini-break (bike to nearby towns and just chill) but I guess that won’t be happening anytime soon. So I will be stuck with nothing else to do.

I don’t want to live inside my head again.