Wrong kind of Asian

Posted on 12/07/2021 by admin

A friend from way, way back was seeking my professional advice (via Zoom) how she could jumpstart her business development work for an advisory firm in Singapore since my job runs alongside hers. I am very familiar with her line of work even though she is in the legal sector. I gave her the step by step how she should do the three prongs under her departments. (Maybe I should do this for a living 🤔)

Long story short, she told me she was getting a lot of resistance from her subordinates, like they don’t believe in her. She had to assert herself to her subordinates and told that she is a lawyer, a CPA, and and MBA holder who graduated from one of Singapore’s top schools and that she has every right to be in that firm.

I told her the ugly truth: Singaporeans look down on Filipinos and they think you should not have been in your position. Then I saw in her face that it finally dawned on her what that was all about. Like it finally made sense to her why she is receiving this kind of hostility from rank and file staff. They only view us as maids and office cleaning ladies. I get that all the time, I told her. And if I tell them I am Filipino, they would insist I must be part Chinese. An ex-colleague in Hong Kong said the same. Then a Singaporean challenged me, my editing, my English… I just let it go. She didn’t last because she couldn’t cope.

So I told my friend that is the reason why I always had to assert myself, that I am as good, if not better, than others. Most Filipinos in our big company (there were only a handful of us) are not just rank and file; in fact we hold key positions. The head for Asia Pacific (before she left last year) was Filipino and we were contemporaries when we were still with local media. We almost had the same background. We are not mediocre. And when an editor from far away accused me of plagiarism because she could not believe an Asian, much less a Filipino, could write very well in English–and a technical finance article at that–I pushed back. I didn’t back down and gave a good fight. It reached headquarters and in the end she had to apologize to me.

As I wrote here before, J did not understand the hierarchy even among Southeast Asians. That we are the wrong kind of Asians so we always get the shorter end of the stick. I told J before that he won’t feel it because he is the “right” kind of Asian.

So I told this friend that she has to brace herself (she’s new in SG and her entire year she was at the university where the environment is more forgiving) because she will get a lot of that treatment so she has to fight her way through.

I guess I also have to fight my way through all the time.

Because Saturdays

Posted on 10/07/2021 by admin

*Soybean paste soup with rehydrated kelp, soft tofu, enoki mushrooms. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

We didn’t go out today because I tried fixing and cleaning my six-year-old LG refrigerator. And it took all my energy and it knocked me out by 2:30 pm. It was leaking again so I guess one of the drain tubes got clogged again, same as last year. I tried contacting the repairman but he never responded. So I took matters into my own hands and tried to do what that guy told me to do when this happens again.

As of this hour it hasn’t leaked yet so yey for that. If my fix didn’t address the issue in the coming days, then I guess I have to make that trip to Anson’s in Cash and Carry Makati and buy that Hitachi fridge. If not the Panasonic one.

I need a bigger freezer since we make fridge cakes and ice cream at home.

I read in an FB group about money saving hacks that you can go to Anson’s in Cash and Carry to haggle the sticker price if you pay cash and if you ask nicely ( for a manager’s discount). I know enterprises need to push out inventory as fast as they could and if inventory doesn’t move in xx days/months, they’re losing money. The brands I’m going for are not as popular as Condura/Samsung/LG so I can try my luck. If I can bring it down by PHP 5,000 then I’m good.

Meanwhile, I also need to visit a paint center and check if I can match the color of my closets, which is close to between light blue and Tiffany Blue. Because cats. I patched the scratches with filler but that means I need to cover the wood-colored filler with paint. If I can’t match it, then I would have to sand everything, put a primer, and paint it with teal or light blue.

I’m keeping myself busy so I don’t live inside my head. It’s the most dangerous thing for me these days. If a raw nerve gets plucked, just like last week, it results into basura days.

The IATF has now allowed children above 5 years old to go outdoors but not in malls, restaurants, or any enclosed space. Which is the right thing to do because Indonesia is suffering the consequences of their lax rules.

We still can’t go back to Anilao because the danger of Taal Volcano spewing ash all over the province is high and it could happen any time. We’re waiting for the big one again, just like in January last year. Resorts in Anilao and elsewhere in Batangas had shut down. Right now we’re in Alert No. 3, some communities have already been evacuated.

I’m racking my brain with things that we can do so we don’t go stir crazy and the kids won’t be glued to their computers all the time. Camping is a bit iffy these days given the monsoon rains.

After four months

Posted on 09/07/2021 by admin

*Sunset and sunflowers. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

We were able to go biking inside UP this afternoon after four months! I missed being in wide open spaces. I even missed shopping in that vegetable stall at the old tennis court.

*Veggies and fruits. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

I can say they’re a lot cheaper than the stalls lining CP Garcia Ave. This sackful of veggies and fruits would have been PHP 1,000 there or at the supermarket but I was able to get these for PHP 200 less. And the volume is more than the usual.

I had let my daughter, Twin I, bike freely here. It has been a long time since she biked without having to worry about cars. I did some brisk walking. We tried biking to some parts of the campus but it was already dark.

*Another day is dying. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

Waiting

Posted on 08/07/2021 by admin

Last night I had been chatting with an ex-colleague for hours while we were holding a vigil for another ex-colleague who was about to expire.

Basically we waiting for the expected and praying for his eternal peace. He got severe Covid and while in the hospital, it was discovered he had terminal liver cancer. After he was off the tubes, he was allowed to go home for palliative care. Then we were told by his family that we can send him voice messages. I wrote about this a few days ago.

So last night this ex-colleague, A, and I were talking about him. We also talked about how we got so tired fighting for what we believed in, for what is right, which our sick friend and colleague, N, did all his life. He died last night while we were talking about him.

We all cared so much for an industry that did not love us back, that we were so passionate about our profession but we got burned so many times. There was so much corruption and abuse.

So it’s about time that we should start to live our lives, she said. Start preparing for retirement. She told me I was one of the few very good and clean journalists whom she wanted to stand out and do more great things but the system is so rotten that she understands why I turned my back on it. I told her I went to the extreme end; at least my niche is unapologetic about serving the corporate big machine and no pretense that this kind of journalism is the crusading kind. That it is upfront about being all about making money for our audience. That’s why I can be emotionally detached from it. Just bring my skills and produce good stories and that’s it. It was no longer about saving the world.

Every now and then I still do take up the cudgels, when the messiah syndrome comes knocking. One day I can go back to it. In another form. In some way or another.

A and I were talking about retiring into our small homes, growing our own food, living sustainably away from the city. She will go home to Mindanao while I am still figuring out where I want to go. My girls and I could end up in my hometown, or near the sea, or in Hyogo Prefecture, or outside Utrecht, or somewhere.

I’m no longer trying to reach the highest level in the ladder nor chasing accolades and titles…But I haven’t really been chasing them in the first place. I only felt pressured to do so when J came into my life because it was what he was chasing after. It was the time I questioned myself, what was I doing with my life? Why am I just stuck as a journalist when I can be doing something in the finance world?

Then when he dumped me, I began to question again what was really my core? What is my essence? What do I want to do for the rest of my life?

Peace. I want peace and contentment. I want to live a life, my life, and not chase somebody else’s dream for them.

So I am working towards that goal now. I don’t know how but I know I will get there.

Every now and then it does occur to me that I can pivot and do what my other ex-colleagues are doing now. My ex-boss in HK (also came from here, we were in the same circle when she was still here in the country) is now a managing director in an advisory firm, which I can do as well if I devote more years into this company to reach some milestones to fatten up my resume. Another friend who also came from a hardcore journalism background is now doing partnership deals for a fintech company. Which I think I can also do.

Now the question is, do I want to do it? Let’s see what the wind may bring. All I know is I want peace and to live my life. To have time to stop and smell the roses.

And write.

I am waiting.

When things are meant for me, they just fall on my lap. Let’s see what happens.

Back to sewing

Posted on 06/07/2021 by admin

*Sewing masks*. *Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

I’m back to sewing masks. I think we will soon run out of Greek letters to distinguish each SARS-COV-2 variant that keeps popping up every month. We now have Lambda, which was first detected in Peru and has now infiltrated 30 countries. So the future masks that I will finish would have a long time of service, unfortunately.

Today was a bit terrible. That interview I did at 5 pm got me triggered. The interviewee was nice and all, nothing was wrong with him and I got everything I needed for a story but at the same time he was all wrong. Very wrong.

He was same age as J, from J’s country of birth (when I thought my interviewee was from somewhere else), migrated to the same country where J migrated at a young age too. Same state and same city. He was relating his history because I asked why he built up his company in this particular segment. Then he told the same backstory of being compared to the neighbor academically, strict upbringing, going to xxx university for pre-med but dropped to go into military. Had a younger brother who went into law school but ended up in MIT. The two of them formed a company in Asia, sold it to a PE and the proceeds allowed them to run a family office investing in two sectors and then they also founded another start-up and now doing a capital growth fundraise. That’s how I ended up interviewing him.

He was so talkative that in 1.5 hrs he already related his political views and the racism he experienced growing up in the same city as J. He said stones were thrown at him when he was a kid and was often told to go home to China. He said, “I shot back and said I am not Chinese, I am xxx and I live in this country.” He said the same thing as J said, that Asians are invisible and are at the bottom rung when it comes to large ethnic groups.

Just as I was getting successful in forgetting and moving on, I suddenly slipped and fell and was back to square one. This interview triggered the memories of J telling me all those stories. Of memories of J.

Stop it. He has forgotten about you. He doesn’t like you. He lied to you about many things. He took you for an idiot. He’s a terrible person. Don’t go back into that dark pit again. Just stop.

So now I’m back to sewing while watching/listening to Youtube to take my mind off everything. I wish I can hold the fort and not crumble.

I hate being like this. How do I end this?

Good night

Posted on 05/07/2021 by admin

*Binangonan, Rizal. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

It is a heavy Monday. I was drowning in work. I again forgot to have lunch and only remembered to eat at 3 pm.

Then I said goodbye to a friend and colleague who has begun sleeping to never wake up.

How do you say goodbye to someone who is dying? What do you say? I was at a loss for words but I knew I needed to say something. His family says he still can hear as hearing is the last of the senses to go before one crosses the rainbow.

So we sent our recorded voice messages via FB Messenger or email. I told him I hope he realizes how much we love him and appreciate how he touched our lives. That I know he will continue fighting for our rights as journalists, as human beings. That he shouldn’t worry because we will carry the torch after he moves on, that we will fight his fight, that the fight will continue.

I always jokingly post on FB that I need him to keep me company trolling the trolls on Twitter.

I told him I hope he is no longer hurting and that he is happy with what he has now and what he has accomplished.

Sir, good night.

Stories from the sidelines

A journalist has a life other than news