Headed for disaster

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Our new COVID-19 daily case has hit an all-time high of almost 22,500 today and yet the government will be loosening the lockdown. Even in my hometown all hospitals are already at capacity and can no longer accept patients.

We are really headed for disaster. The overpriced purchase of face shields could have been diverted to buying more remdesivir and tocilizumab for hospitals in dire need of it. The government goons decided that we are better off with granular lockdowns without proper contact tracing (Duque even admitted to Senate that the govt contact tracing app is useless) and mass testing. COVID swab tests are so expensive, even for the middle class.

Malaysia and the Philippines are in a contest now for who got it worse.

As for my girls, their fevers had gone down today and they were able to attend their online class. I had them take paracetamol when they had headaches tonight but their temperatures didn’t go beyond sinat so I wasn’t that worried. I need more data to gather before I schedule a tele-consult with a pediatrician tomorrow. I was kind of panicking at 2 am this morning when I woke up to check one of my girls and thought about having us all tested for COVID.

To cheer us up today, our books I bought from Big Bad Wolf in June finally arrived.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

They’re enjoying Horrible Histories. I am reading that now, too. Fascinating horrible stuff.

I’m slowly recovering and was able to co-write a time-sensitive story today about Philippine Airlines’ bankruptcy. Last week was a struggle for me because I couldn’t write. Or even transcribe an interview. Meds made me lethargic and I kept on sleeping during odd hours. At least I started the week right today, despite the lack of proper sleep because I was watching over my sick girls.

Over the weekend, a high school friend invited me to join them on their Youtube talk show, which started off like a podcast about nothing in particular that ended up as an interview platform about anything under the sun. They added me because all of them are guys–most of whom were my friends from way back high school or post-college when we played in a band. They needed a female co-host to sort of balance the show. And I think they chose me because of my interviewing skills. They were drinking buddies at some point 10-20 years ago.

So my plan to do a podcast with friends has sort of come into fruition. However, instead of a just a podcast, this is a live Youtube video show that requires me to face the camera and be presentable. Anyway, a podcast or a video talk show is one of my personal goals, including keeping this blog alive (albeit private), so I have other things aside from work that I could pay attention to.

I think I will be on air by November.

Balang araw, makakalimutan din kita.

20,000

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Last week we hit 22,366 and it seems like we’re just yo-yoing from 19,000 to 22,000++ with positivity rate of almost 30%. It seems like it’s just a matter of time that my household will get it. God forbid.

I’m on tenterhooks right now because both of my twins are having low-grade fevers. I’m still observing so I will have enough data to tell the doctor before I book our teleconsult. I don’t want to panic yet and book a Covid test for all of us. I checked their tonsils and both have inflamed tonsils so I’m hoping that could be the culprit and not Covid. I made them gargle Bactidol three times a day.

Two weeks ago one of them had canker sores on her tonsils after I teleconsulted their pediatrician in our hometown. She stopped with Bactidol once she felt better. I don’t know if what they have right now is the same viral infection (no sores though) or a completely new one.

Oh God, please don’t let this be Covid.

I’m just so tired and having a nasty headache now. I think my astigmatism worsened.

Burnout

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I just found a gem hidden somewhere on Youtube. I first fell in love with this song when 3D (Dancel, Dumas, Danao) did an acoustic live version of this, which felt like…burnout. Or the middle of a burnout. This version, on the other hand, feels like a breeze caressing your cheek after a meltdown. Especially the part where Clara Benin sang, “tinatawag kita/sinusuyo kita/di mo man marinig/di mo man madama…” I felt that.

Unfortunately for me this is not available on Spotify so I can’t add this to my playlist. So I always have to hunt this down on Youtube.

…Tinatawag kita, sinusuyo kita
Di mo man marinig, di mo man madama
O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin
O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin…”

Hanggang kelan? Hindi ko alam pero ang alam ko lang ay pagod na ako.

I went food shopping this evening and I bought slabs of steak for me to grill tomorrow because my very good friend, K, will be coming over. Must have heard that I got sick.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

But I wouldn’t eat this after my tests came back and indicated that I am a walking heart attack. I will have grilled salmon instead. Made potato salad tonight to go with these and some steamed veggies. No alcohol, as the doctor ordered so I just bought sparkling grape juice for me while K will have red wine. I also bought brie cheese to go with the wine.

And yeah, no caffeine for me either.

I now only have flower teas or milk for breakfast. Then lunch and light dinner. Can’t wait for this lockdown to end so I can bike and burn calories.

Death of a star

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Because J has fallen in stature in my eyes, thinking about him hurts less now. Or maybe this is because I have been sleeping better that’s why I can talk like this now. Maybe if I start to become sleep-deprived again I would be back to being emotional again.

He used to be the only star in my night. Now that star has died.

Maybe I needed that jolt that I’ve experienced these past weeks to be able to realize that, hey, he isn’t really that special. And he is not a nice guy after all. I died several times over this person but he really can’t destroy me. I know who I am and what I am capable of. I may not be a CEO of a company or a high-flying executive that he could admire but I know I’m very good in what I do. I have everything that I needed. I have a home and I have love in the form of two not-so-little girls.

While he doesn’t have those.

Death of a star. He has now become a stardust.

To add to our worries, here comes another variant. We are going through the entire Greek letters while the Duterte administration is raping us wide eyes open.

To calm my frayed nerves, I ordered new cloths to make into masks for my friends’ children in appropriate kid sizes.

From Shopee. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The weekend is coming soon. Let’s see how many I can make.

Blinders off

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This incident with J chasing the kid in my circle has slowly peeled off the blinders that has taken a hold of me for years. Maybe he wasn’t really a nice guy after all.

I remember him asking me the week we first got together if I thought he was with me because I am a journalist of xxx that would give him advantage. I said no, it didn’t enter my mind. Now, I am doubting myself and his intentions toward me then.

I’m confused. Like it shattered my core belief and everything I thought was the truth then.

Was everything a lie?

I can’t believe he could sink that loooowwww, pursuing that kid 🤦🏻‍♀️. I had held him in very high esteem, even during his most difficult time the last time he was in the US. I even admired him for toughing it out there. But now?

But maybe I was wrong about everything.

Maybe I fell in love with the person I thought he was and believed it. Maybe he was just like any other mercenary out there taking advantage of vulnerable people like me. And he’s still out there looking for another victim. Just like that kid.

This is giving me a headache. My emotions are in a turmoil. I don’t know what to feel. It’s as if I’m going through grief again but this time I am grieving over his death… The death of a person I thought he was.

Questioning everything

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photography of night sky
Photo by Juan on Pexels.com

I am sleeping better the last few nights compared to the previous weeks when I wake up almost every hour. The pain was just too much that it has completely wrecked my body clock. My body is now recuperating by sleeping every chance I get during my leave from work.

Lying on my bed before falling off to sleep, be it night or day, gave me a chance to ruminate over the things that happened recently. J’s recent behavior made me question everything about him and everything that went on between us. I probably put him too high on a pedestal that’s why I didn’t question things that I should have. Now, I am questioning whether there was some truth in the sexual harassment case against him in his last firm. When he told me about it after he was stripped off of his company phone and company laptop when he was forced to go on garden leave, I totally accepted that it was false accusation and that it was an injustice and that they just wanted him out of the company.

Now the way he pursued this kid from within my circle sounds so carnal. As one of my friends said, he is scary creepy.

It puts things in a new light that I haven’t viewed before.

Maybe his scary creepy behavior would be ok for some local woman/girl who wants to snag a foreigner boyfriend to milk or wants him as her ticket to going abroad and out of poverty.

Maybe I was too blind, gave him too much credit. Excused him too many times. I believed in him so much that I ignored everything else.

I don’t know what else to think. I wish he would leave the country soon so he could stop hurting me. This city is too small for the both of us.

I want my sleep back. I want my sanity back. I want peace. I want to stop hurting.

The world around me is collapsing; everything is on fire and yet this administration is doing nothing but politicking and ransacking the coffers. The healthcare workers are going on strike tomorrow. Our foreign debt has gone into trillions but we couldn’t see where the proceeds of those debt went to. No vaccines, no wide testing, no effective contact tracing. Those useless face shields are sources of corruption. Every corner of this administration was flagged by the state auditor.

We are a sinking ship.