After that pep talk from that sketchbook guy on Youtube, I finally decided to finish this thing that has been festering in my pile of to-do.

I decided not to line the baby blue eyes with dark liner and left the pencil outline and then I painted the filament silver.

Then I decided not to draw individual leaves and use the urban sketching technique of doing color washes (three types of greens) and do a collective outline of leaves and some individual leaves since the baby blue eyes in Hitachi were actually in a bed of grass.

Et voila! I now have a version of my favorite flowers on my wall. My favorite flowers in one of my favorite places on earth.

I think I will make another version of this baby blue eyes for my cousin.

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“Mommy,” Twin A said, “KKR si promoting liquid botox.”

“Huh? Who?” I asked, bewildered.

“You know, KKR, that girl. She is promoting liquid botox on Facebook.”

“Ahh, Tito J’s gf,” I said.

“Yes. Twin I and I were watching her videos on Facebook. She’s always doing all these beauty videos and she keeps showing off her boobs in revealing clothes. She still looks like a transvestite though,” Twin A said.

“Ah I don’t care. Let her be. As long as I don’t need that botox I’m fine,” I said.

I really don’t need it and will never need it. In the first place, botox is injected and not applied topically, as my girls said this woman is demonstrating on her video—whatever. Besides, I’m already beautiful as is and I don’t need to inject myself with botulinum toxin. Hello! Anybody with a half-brain knows it is a neurotoxin that can cause your face to be frozen and be without facial expression 🙄 Exhibit A: Nicole Kidman. Exhibit B: Renee Zellweger.

My self-worth need NOT be measured by how many wrinkles I have, by being a daughter of a restaurant owner (a very poor way to be identified, by the way), or by any other external identifier. As my gay friend K said, do not measure yourself against these people—it’s not you who is the problem, remember that.

Yes, K, I am believing you now. I measure myself against how I was a year ago, how I was five years ago. I am older but much wiser now (I hope). I have only myself to compare with.

Someday, someone will appreciate my 42-year-old clear skin that doesn’t need botox, for my intellect, my talents, my generosity, my capacity to love, sense of adventure, my wide range of interests, my resilience, my practicality, my strength—the overall me. I will be appreciated by someone who will not take me for granted and not use me for his selfish gains.

Someday. Not today.

I’ve got some more healing to do.

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Today’s news isn’t reassuring and on top of that I was busy dealing with errant reporters again. So Twin I asked, “Mommy, do you want hot choco?” “Ok,” I said.

This made me feel a lot better. My daughter made me a calorie-laden drink to ease the tension on my forehead and back. ❤️

Twin A asked me yesterday, “Mommy, did you regret having children?”

I said, “No. I will always choose you over everything else.”

And this question and answer between me and my daughter echoed in my head while I was reading this article and the FB comments on the WSJ post.

While I was not really aiming to get into an Ivy League school for my master’s degree, the opportunities presented to me before I got married and before I got pregnant with the girls were there. I was encouraged by one of my teachers at UP Masscom to apply for a scholarship at the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism where she is an alumna. I was preparing to apply when my father died. Then it all went downhill from there. My priorities have shifted; I got married, just as what my father had wanted. Then other opportunities came along (although not Ivy): scholarship at NYU and Germany but I couldn’t push through because then-husband didn’t want to come and I got pregnant, respectively.

I’m still thinking, would it have been better/made a big impact in my life if any of my plans to study abroad pushed through? For sure I wouldn’t have my girls if I did. Maybe I would have been somewhere else, living in Germany or making a bigger mess of myself in NY—but life would be lonelier without my girls.

I am meant to be their mother because I always knew—at the back of my mind at sixteen years old—I knew I will have daughters.

But I knew also that I am not meant to be with someone. I am meant to meet all these people, not because we were meant to last, but to teach me hard lessons in life.

Would I be earning a lot more if I had a degree from Columbia or NYU? I don’t know. Will I be more fulfilled if I obtained my MA and PhD there? I don’t know either. Probably I will just end up in the academe. It’s not like I will be pursuing a Master in Finance or MBA or law and end up as a hedge fund manager or work for Big Law.

All I know is I am glad I have my girls with me. They give me direction, strength, and reason for being. I believe that we always end up where we are meant to be. Where we need to be. The universe conspires and throws all these obstacles so I would not go in another direction. Kinda like that one blog entry I wrote about James Hetfield and Slash ending up where they were supposed to be and not turn into a football player or a mediocre bass player. Metallica and Guns N’ Roses may not have happened.

So for those kids who had been complaining about not getting into Yale and Harvard (in the WSJ article), they may not need to be there in the first place to be happier and successful later in life.

Life is short. I have a high school classmate, a gynecologist who has gone through chemotherapy because she is battling breast cancer. She just had a mastectomy last week. I know she would give anything to be healthy and spend more time with her son.

No amount of Columbia U PhD can compare to moments with my kids and their laughter when we swim in the sea, when we bike, when we hug on my bed.

As I said, I am where I am supposed to be. I am healing with my children beside me.

And one day I will be able to forgive.

Leaves

Ben&Ben

I can think of all the times
You told me not to touch the light
I never thought that you would be the one
I couldn’t really justify
How you even thought it could be right
Cause everything we cherished is gone
And in the end, can you tell me if
It was worth the try, so I can decide

Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees
And all will be alright in time
From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas
And all will be alright in time
Oh you never really love someone until you learn to forgive

Try as hard as I might
To flee the shadows of the night
It haunts me and it makes me feel blue
But how can I try to hide
When every breath and every hour
I still end up thinking of you?
And in the end, everything we have makes it worth the fight
So I will hold on for as long

As leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees
And all will be alright in time
From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas
And all will be alright in time
Oh you never really love someone until you learn to forgive

I never thought that I would see the day
That I’d decide if I should leave or stay
But in the end what makes it worth the fights
That no matter what happens we try to make it right

Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees
And all will be alright in time
From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas
And all will be alright in time
Wounds of the past will eventually heal
And all will be alright in time
‘Cause all of this comes with a love that is real
I said all will be alright in time
I said all will be alright in time
I said all will be alright in time
All will be alright in time
Oh, you never really love someone until
You learn to forgive
You learn to forgive
Learn to forgive